The Hardest Part Is Letting Go Of Your Dreams

I fall asleep in the middle of my mental freak out, terrified that Frank and I will fall apart and when I wake up Frank is banging around in the kitchen. A few minutes later he comes in carrying a tray with a delicious looking breakfast on it and he smiles at me as I sit up and he rests the tray on my lap before leaning over and pressing his lips to mine. "Morning baby" he says when we pull apart and I smile at him and thank him for breakfast. "You're welcome babe" he says and I pull the blanket back a little and pat the bed beside me. Frank climbs in next to me and I lean against him as I start to pick at the croissant on my plate. I eat a little before picking off another piece and holding it to Franks lips, waiting for him to open up before I put it in and he smiles before chewing. We finish the plate this way, me sharing my breakfast with him and when I'm done I sit the tray on the floor before turning back to Frank and climbing over him, pinning him to the bed while I attack his mouth with mine. Things turn heated and Frank flips us over and when he's hovering over me I feel panic set in and my breathing hitches before I lash out and shove him off me. I sit up before getting out of the bed and running for the bathroom, locking the door and sliding to the floor, bring my knees to my chest and trying hard to just breathe. A minute later I hear a light knocking on the door before Franks voice drifts in saying "Babe please let me in, I'm sorry. I know I pushed it too far and I'm so sorry, I would never hurt you like that." I whimper and tell myself to stop being so pathetic before I pull myself off the floor and unlock the door before stepping back and sitting on the floor again. A few seconds later the door slowly opens and Frank comes in, taking a step towards me but leaving a gap between us as he sits too. "Babe are you alright?" He asks and I shrug my shoulders and he smiles reassuringly and says "You can talk to me, I'm not going anywhere no matter what you say." I take a deep breath before I say "I wasn't asleep last night. You thought I was but I wasn't and when I saw you it didn't turn me on like it should and I'm scared they took that away from me and I fucking hate them for that so much. This morning I wanted to see if I could feel that way again and I pushed myself beyond what I could handle and it's not your fault that happened, it's mine and I'm so fucking sorry for pushing you like that but I need to feel like me again. I need to just go back to how I was and the longer I stay like this the more terrified I'm becoming that I won't ever get that back. I don't want to be afraid anymore Frank, I just want my life back." I feel silent tears roll down my cheeks as I lay it all out for him and I sit there expecting him to get up and leave, walk out of my life for good. But he doesn't, he slides over and pulls me into his lap and I go willingly, clinging to him tight and burying my face in his neck. "Babe, I don't expect you to be intimate with me. I know that will take time and I know we'll get there again but for right now you're healing and I will be here every step of the way for whatever you need I promise. I won't ever pressure you for anything, just being in your presence is enough to keep me happy for the rest of my life so this is all on your terms ok, everything is your decision of whether we do anything or not and you will always be in control until you're comfortable again. I'm sorry that I got carried away in the moment but I would never do anything you don't want." I cling to him tighter before I murmur out "I don't deserve you." Frank pulls away from me and stares me in the eye as he says "That's rediculous Gee." I lean forward and gently press my lips to his before I pull away and we drag ourselves off the floor and I tell Frank "I want to shower." He nods before saying "Do you want me to leave?" I hesitate for a second before I say "Can you stay and keep me company?" Frank leans in and pecks my nose as he says "Anything for you babe" before he pulls away and walks over, sitting on the closed toilet while I start the water. I keep my back him as I strip off my clothes and step into the water, not wanting to see his reaction to my now tainted body.

After the shower I go to the bedroom and get redressed before I join Frank in the living room. We sit and watch tv for a while holding hands before I pull away and say "I'm gonna go see my boss, see if I still have a job." Frank looks at me concerned before he says "Want me to go with you?" I shake my head before I say "I'll be fine. See you later babe" leaning in to kiss him before I pull my shoes on and leave the apartment. Once I'm out on the street I shove my hands in my pocket as I walk along the busy sidewalk my thoughts racing about what to do now that Frank knows all my problems. The voice in my head is still screaming at me that he's gonna leave and I can't seem to shut it up anymore.

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