The Hardest Part Is Letting Go Of Your Dreams

I lay face down on Bert's pillow until I can't breathe. I can't find the will to get off the bed so i roll onto my side and curl into a ball laying there and wait for the pain i feel shooting from my chest and radiating throughout my whole body to fade. Eventually the tears tire me out and my eyes drift shut, my mind shutting down and giving me temporary relief as I slip into unconsciousness.
When I wake up I feel no motivation to move. I lay there for what feels like hours, broken and defeated and alone. The dark haired tattooed man was in my dreams again, glowing like an angel. He was on the other side of a crowded room and no matter how hard I pushed through the crowd he never got any closer but he continued to smile at me as if he was waiting for me to reach him. I scream out in frustration, dragging myself off the bed and stumbling into the living room for my sketch pad and pencils, throwing myself back on the bed and closing my eyes, the image of his perfect face burned into my mind. When I reopen my eyes I pick up the pencil and pad and let out a deep breath, clearing my mind of everything else and starting to draw.

Three days later I have only left the bed a few times to use the bathroom. I am still in the clothes that I was wearing when Bert left, not having showered or eaten. Yesterday the phone rang several times but I had no motivation to remove myself from the bed to answer it. Since the first sleep I had right after
Bert left I haven't allowed myself to sleep again, the pain of waking up and not having Bert or the mystery man of my dreams when I wake fills me with a crippling pain that I don't want to experience anymore. I am sketching out his face for the millionth time when I hear keys sliding into the lock on the front door. I snap my head in the direction of the bedroom door hopeful that it's Bert but a few seconds later Mikey appears, looking worried. I sigh and drop my gaze back to my sketch pad. "Gee what the fuck? Why aren't you answering your phone? Jesus it smells like someone died in here and you look like total shit, what the hell is going on?" I don't bother to look up, spitting out "Bert left, so what's the point in anything anymore?" Mikey crosses the room and sits beside me on the edge of the bed. "Oh Gee I'm so sorry. What happened?" I lift my head slowly to finally meet his gaze and hold up my latest sketch. "This happened" I say and he nods in understanding, already knowing about the dreams. "Why is he haunting me like this Mikes? Why am I so fucked in the head?" I ask tears running down my face again. "Gerard have you even left the bed at all recently?" Mikey asks and I think for a moment before saying "Bert left Wednesday. That was the last time I felt the need to get up in the morning." "Jesus Gerard that was three days ago. Get up and get in the shower, you smell disgusting. I'll make you some food while you're in there. Then we'll sort all this out." I shake my head and Mikey rolls his eyes before snatching my sketch book from me and saying "I'm not giving it back until you shower and eat." I sigh, defeated knowing he's found my one weakness in the whole situation and drag myself out of bed and towards the bathroom.

After I've showered and eaten Mikey insists I come stay with him for a few days and give myself time to heal in a place not filled with memories of Bert. I reluctantly go with him and for the first two days I try to act normal but the lack of sleep I'm allowing myself to have makes it difficult. On the third day of my staying with him it is 2am and I swear my dream man is standing outside on the street. I watch him through the window for a moment and he is still there so I run downstairs and out the front door, running into the middle of the street towards where I see him. I hear someone scream out "Gerard" and when I turn my head to look toward the source of the noise I see the car speeding towards me. At the last second I hear the brakes squeal and it skids out around me, narrowly missing me but the force of the air coming off it knocks me to the ground. I lay there stunned when Mikey comes into view still screaming my name over and over as he kneels beside me checking if I've been hit. "What the fuck are you doing?" He yells in my face when he sees I'm ok. "He was here, I swear he was standing right here waiting for me" I babble out and Mikey looks at me in concern and takes a quick look around. "There's no one out here Gee. It's two in the morning." I shake my head not believing him. "He was here. I fucking saw him, I know he's around here, he can't have run off that quickly" I insist but Mikey just continues to stare at me with what looks like pity in his eyes.

Notes