The Hardest Part Is Letting Go Of Your Dreams

Two months pass and Frank doesn't contact us at all. I try calling him so many times, Ruby needing her other father in her life but he never answers. I have Matt keeping tabs on him for me and atleast that way I know he's still alive. Ruby and I try to move on with our lives, me taking on a second comic job for a magazine and I enrol Ruby in a preschool three days a week. She absolutely loves it there, learning to count and learning her alphabet really well. The program involves a lot of art and she is always bringing me home paintings and macaroni pictures which I hang on the wall of my bedroom, making a giant collage which makes her smile. Most nights I read her some easy to read books I bought her and once I've read it once we go through it again, Ruby sounding out the words and reading it to me. She's incredibly intelligent and is learning very quickly, which makes me really proud. We are curled up on the couch together watching spongebob one night when my cell starts ringing and I see it's Frank. I slide off the couch and make my way into the kitchen, answering the phone. "Hello?" "Hey Gee" he says and I find myself smiling at just the sound of his voice before I remember that he's abandoned us. "Where have you been Frank?" I ask and I hear him sigh before saying "I needed a break, you broke my fucking heart Gerard." "You needed a break you selfish prick? What about Ruby? She needs her father but I guess you can only man up and be a parent when it suits you huh? My heart is fucking broken too but I sucked it up and put her first, just like I always have, I didn't pussy out about it and immediately move on with someone else and ignore my responsibilities" I yell at him and he lets out a sob before hanging up on me. I scream out, throwing my phone across the room and sinking to my knees, the heartache feeling fresh all over again. Ruby comes into the room and wraps her arms around me, whispering "Shh" in my ear as she holds me close and I cling to her, knowing I need to pull myself together and not act like this infront of a four year old who is depending on me. "Sorry baby" I mutter out when I regain control of myself, standing up and taking her hand as she leads me back to the living room.

Three days later Matt calls me and asks me to come in to the store. I drop Ruby off at preschool before making my way to the store and when I get there Matt takes me aside. "Gee, I don't know what happened the last few days but Frank was doing better and now he's crashing again. He showed up for work drunk yesterday and today, well I don't know what he's on but he's currently passed out in the back room." "And?" I ask, feeling irritated that he's making this my problem. "He's been cutting himself Gee." At these words I feel my breath catch in my throat and I choke on it. "Where is he?" I choke out and Matt tells me again that he's in the back room. I make my way out to the room, finding Frank sprawled across the couch Ruby once sat on, hiding from her mother and I slowly walk over, dropping to my knees on the floor infront of him. I see a small amount of blood on the sleeve of his sweater and when I pull it back the inside of his arm is littered with angry looking red cuts, some look very fresh and some look atleast a few days old and I start to cry, feeling like a complete asshole for yelling at him like I did. I kneel by his side, taking his hand in mine after I pull his sleeve back down and I stay there, holding his hand until he wakes up. When his eyes flutter open I reach out with my other hand and gently stroke his hair back off his forehead. "Hey Frankie" I whisper, knowing he's hung over. "Hey" he croaks out, sitting up slowly and I let go of his hand. "I'm gonna take you home ok?" I say softly and he shakes his head. "M fine" he slurs out and I shake my head and say "Come on, just let me take you home." He shakes his head again, standing up as he says "Don't have a home anymore, the home part left." I swallow down the small amount of guilt I feel about this whole situation and I stand too, taking his hand and leading him from the store, hailing a cab and ushering him inside, climbing in after him and ignoring his protests. When we reach the apartment I ask for his key and he sways on his feet as he digs through his pocket to find it. Once I've unlocked the door I push it open and the smell that hits me makes me gag. "Jesus Frank, did something die in here?" "Yeah, my heart" he slurs out, pushing past me and making his way into the living room, collapsing on the couch. I tiptoe across the apartment, avoiding the piles of putrid rubbish he has laying around as I make my way into the bathroom, digging out the first aid kit and feeling my heart clench at the dried blood and dirty razor blade in the sink. I make my way back to the living room and kneel on the floor infront of Frank and telling him to take off his sweater. He sits up and shrugs it off, throwing it on the floor and I gasp at how much weight he's lost. "Fuck Frankie, when was the last time you ate?" "I could ask you the same thing, you're looking pretty thin these days too Gerard." I ignore his comment, knowing I've lost weight since the breakup and focus on cleaning up his arms and bandaging them. Once I'm done I decide I may aswell ask. "Where's Lindsey?" Frank scoffs before saying "She left, just like you. Apparently I talk about you too much." I remain passive, not knowing how to respond to that. Frank lets out a groan, his hand moving up to rub his forehead and a minute later he passes out again. I push myself off the floor, making my way into the kitchen and grabbing some rubber gloves from under the sink, pulling them on and grabbing some garbage bags. I start in the kitchen, cleaning up all the rubbish and stacking the dishes on the sink. I make my way around the apartment, the only room still clean is Ruby's old bedroom. When I get to the bedroom my heart breaks all over again, the room completely trashed. I pick up the dirty clothes, throwing them in the hamper in the corner before stripping the blood stained sheets off the bed, remaking it with clean sheets from the cupboard. I'm on my way out of the room when I spot a framed picture of the two of us in the corner, the glass smashed like it was thrown against the wall and as I bend down to pick up the broken glass I see our wedding rings in the mess on the floor. I pick them up, slipping them into my pocket while I continue to clean up the glass. Once I've scrubbed the bathroom clean and thrown out the razor I start a load of washing for him, disposing all the trash and coming back into the kitchen to wash the dishes. I leave them on the rack to dry, checking my watch and realising I've spent almost the whole day here and I need to pick up Ruby soon. I make my way back to the living room, Frank still passed out on the couch. I scoop him into my arms, putting him in bed and leaving a note on the pillow next to him. 'Frank, please try to pull yourself together. I know it's hard but Ruby needs you so do it for her if nothing else. Please stop hurting yourself. As hard as it is to believe I do care, a lot. Call me anytime you need, for anything at all. Gee.' I lean in and press a soft kiss to his forehead before making my way out of the now liveable again apartment, going to pick Ruby up and take her home. That night I fall asleep thinking about Frank, yet again, our wedding rings clenched in my fist.

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