You Only Hear The Music When Your Heart Begins To Break

An hour later I drag myself off the floor to get ready to go work the dinner shift. Gerard tells me not to go but I tell him I need the distraction and he is going out for drinks anyway. I change into black pants and a clean chef jacket before going into the bathroom to finish getting ready. When I look in the mirror I see my jaw is red and swollen and I bite my lip to keep from crying again. I fix my hair and then go into the living room to put my shoes on. When I stand Gerard comes over and rests his hand over my lower stomach tracing soothing circles with his thumb. "I love you two more than anything" he tells me and I smile wide before kissing him. "I'll walk you back to work" he offers before handing me a jacket telling me he doesn't want me to get cold. He helps me put it on and we head off to the restaurant.
At work the kitchen crew all stare at me focusing on my swollen jaw. I try to ignore it before I overhear a comment about domestic violence and Gerard being a low life scum bag when I snap and catch everyone's attention by yelling "Shut the fuck up, all of you. Gerard didn't do this to me if you must know Zack did it" before turning back to my station. I try my hardest not to cry but I still feel my eyes welling with tears. I bite my lip and keep quiet, focusing on what I'm doing and the night passes tear free.
When I finish work I find Gerard standing outside with a few of his art school friends waiting to walk me home. I am still a few steps away when I start to smell the alcohol. When I reach them Gerard stumbles forward and reaches out to cup my face in his hands but in his drunken state he is too rough and it feels like he is trying to crush the bottom half of my face on top of pressing against my already bruised jaw. I whine and try to pull my head from his grip but this just makes him tighten his hold so I say "Baby you're really hurting me please let go" and he immediately drops his hands and hangs his head like he's in trouble. I reach out and cup his chin in my hand, tilting his head back up and smile at him, examining the small bruise on his cheekbone from the fight earlier before leaning in and sealing my lips to his. "I'm sorry for hurting you baby" he slurs out when we pull apart and I link fingers with him as we set off towards home with his friends.

The next morning I wake up and Gerard is not in bed with me. I glance at the clock and it is only 6.45 and I know he wouldn't normally be awake at this time. I think back to last night and when we got home I ended up going to bed by myself while Gerard fooled around in the living room laughing and joking with his friends. I get out of bed and walk to the living room doorway where I am greeted with the sight of Gerard, mostly naked, passed out in a pile of his friends who are also passed out in various stages of undress. I shake my head at the sight before tiptoeing into the room and starting to pick up all the empty food packages and beer bottles and once I'm closer to the pile of sleeping bodies I notice a mark on Gerard's neck. I lean in to look closer and the dark splotch is surrounded by lighter smaller marks and I get a knot in my stomach. Gerard has a hickey and bite mark on his neck, and it didn't come from me. I leave the room with what I have in my hands, dumping it in the garbage on my way past the kitchen before going into the bathroom and locking the door. I sit on the edge of the bathtub as I feel my breathing become unstable and tears prick my eyes. I can't believe he would do this to me. I get in the shower and make it so hot it stings a little but the sensation distracts me from the thoughts swirling in my head of who he got it from. When I get out I go to the bedroom to dress and after I come out they are all still passed out. I decide I can't deal with the fight I know will happen when Gerard wakes up just yet so I grab my bag, pulling on my boots and leaving the apartment.

I go to the diner and have breakfast alone before wandering around doing some shopping. I come across a baby store and go inside looking at all the tiny clothes and shoes. My breath catches in my throat at the thought that my baby will ever be tiny enough to fit into stuff that small. I buy a few little outfits in various sizes and other necessities like pacifiers and baby bottles. I spend more than I know I should but the more I wander the store the more excited I get and I still have most of my trust fund. I have only used it to buy furniture for the apartment as my earnings from the restaurant and quite high and more than enough to pay the bills.
By the time I finish in the baby store I am loaded down with bags and when I check my watch I have half an hour until my appointment with Dr. Wentz. I step onto the street and attempt to hail a cab but with so many shopping bags it's difficult. I go to sit a few down when a man comes over and tells me he'll help and hails it for me. I smile at him and say thank you before getting in the cab and giving the driver the address of the building where Dr. Wentz's office is.
Once I enter his office Dr. Wentz takes a look at the bags I sit to the side and raises his eyebrow at me. "So I am pregnant" I tell him and he smiles stepping towards me before remembering he shouldn't touch me let alone give me a hug and settles for just saying congratulations instead. "When did you find out?" He asks and I fill him in on the whole story. Once I'm done I also tell him I have an appointment with a doctor tomorrow for a proper check up. He smiles at me and tells me he's proud that I'm taking proper care of myself and the baby. I nod and open my mouth to say something back when everything that happened the last two days comes crashing down on me and I start to sob. Dr. Wentz waits patiently until I'm ready to speak and I tell him about the fight with Zack and him hitting me and the horrible things he said to me and then Gerard and the hickey I found on his neck this morning that wasn't mine. When I'm done he tells me to take a deep breath and try to be calm because being so worked up isn't good for the baby. I take a few deep breaths before he continues on to tell me that I should go home and talk to Gerard and that running away this morning with no note and no contact all day is irresponsible in my condition and I feel like a little kid being scolded by their parent but I know he's right and that Gerard will be freaking out about me.

When the hour is up I leave the building with all my bags to find Gerard waiting outside. When he sees me he rushes over and wraps his arms around me tightly tears falling from his eyes as he buries his face in my hair. "Oh my god baby I'm so glad you're ok" he rushes out and I pull back from him before telling him I'm sorry for making him worry. He smiles and stops crying and tells me it doesn't matter now that he knows I'm safe before taking the shopping from me and I hail us a cab to go home. Once we get there Gerard looks at where most if the bags came from and smiles wide asking to see what I bought. "I want to talk first" I tell him and he nods and looks worried. "Who gave you the hickey Gerard?" I ask and he swallows hard before looking me in the eye and telling me "A drunk girl at the party we were at" and I shake my head and turn to leave the room. Gerard runs after me and grabs my wrist stopping me from walking away before saying "But nothing happened with her, we were doing tequila shots and the salt was on my neck so she went to lick it off and that's when the hickey happened and after she took the lime from my mouth we kissed once and that's it, I promise." I stand there in disbelief that he thinks that it's fine before rage overtakes me and I shove him hard yelling "Fuck you Gerard" and running into the bedroom slamming the door behind me.
Later that night he attempts to come in and get in bed with me so I slide over to the edge to be as far away from him as possible, disgusted that he's done this to me again. He reaches out and grabs my arm pulling at it to try and move me closer to him so I snap and hiss "Don't fucking touch me" before getting out of bed and leaving the room. I go into the living room and lay on the couch crying myself to sleep.

Notes