The World Is Ugly, But You're Beautiful To Me

Fallyn's POV

~~~

For once in my life I'd been lucky and within moments of standing by the road a car came by and I managed to catch a ride.

Sure it probably wasn't the smartest decision of my life to get in the car with a complete stranger but it was better than nothing.
And anyway, hadn't the band been strangers when I met them?

I don't know anymore, I really don't know.
I think I've done the right thing.

My heart doesn't agree though.

It hurt, my whole chest hurt and I felt like I wanted to throw up or maybe just cry.

I wanted Katelyn, I needed to talk to my best friend and have her tell me I'd made the right decisions.
That I haven't just possibly made the biggest mistake of my life.

But I haven't seen Katelyn for a while now, about a week.
She hasn't magically shown up to see me or made some angel sign that let's me know she's watching.

Maybe there was an angel schedule she was on and only had a finite about of time she could spend down here.
Still it wouldn't kill her to contact me.

See I may not know much about socialising but I kinda have the idea that when you come back from the dead to see your friend you stick around for a while.
You don't just appear and disappear as you see fit!

If it was a role reversal and I was the angel or whatever then I wouldn't leave Katelyn alone for a minute.
I'd be around so often that she'd get tired of me.

Oh and another thing, isn't she supposed to be my guardian angel?
They're kinda like supernatural school councillors aren't they?

She should be around, helping me to decide whether it was the right thing or not to leave the band.

No I shouldn't need her help to make that choice, it's done and I can't undo it even if I want to.

They were my friends and my...brothers I guess. Katlyn hasn't had anything at to do with them at all, just me so she really should stay out of it.

Ugh I still can't get past the fact Gerard and Mikey are my brothers.
Gerard and Mikey Way, they're not just complete randoms.

I'd dreamt of going to their concerts and I have their CDs and posters of the band on my bedroom walls.

I've literally cried listening to their music, I've cried to it with my dead best friend for fucks sake and the whole time I've been listening to my brothers?

This really isn't something I can just get over, my whole life is a lie, just one big fucking lie.
Gerard even played part in that lie, he kept the truth from me even once he knew I was his sister.

Argh!
I hate him right now!
I actually hate him, I hate my brother and the lead singer of my favourite band.

He sat there, listening to me spilling my heart out, telling them everything and crying.
Then he'd hug me, that whole fucking time, did he even consider telling me the truth once?

I'd heard Frank and the rest of the guys when Gerard was telling me the truth, they didn't know and they were completely innocent.
Especially Frank who was angry at Gerard for keeping it from me.

Frank was even the one who told me that they were vampires, I wouldn't have found that out for a while if he didn't sit me down and explain things.

I'd always imagined Gerard being this wonderful guy who saved kids lives and wrote inspirational songs that could make me feel something even in my saddest moments which he can do but in reality he's a complete lying asshole.

How on earth had the band tolerated him for this long?

So is ht just me he lies to or is it everyone else as well?
How long had it taken for Gerard to tell the band he was a vampire when he first became one?

Days, weeks, months?

Sure I've done some bad things in my time but I've never lied to people who've earned my trust, not fucking once!

I've always told Katelyn the truth, I've never kept a thing from her and I'm proud to say that.
If anything Kat was the one keeping secrets, if the sleeve of her shirt didn't get torn I would never have found out she cut.

So there you go, aside from Frank I'm the most honest person in my life.
I tell myself the truth too, that's the reason I'm in the middle of nowhere, in a car headed for Chicago and thankfully passing through Blackford.

I don't know why I feel such a strong urge to go back there, I just need to. Maybe because I need to tell everyone to go fuck themselves, yeah that's probably it.

I'm going to punch Jules in the face once more time, I'll tell Brock that he should stay away from any members of the female species and I'm gonna confront Mo- that woman and make her tell me everything.

I want to know why she did it.
What on earth could possess a person into wanting to kidnap a child.

Then I wanted to know why she'd lie to me for my whole life.
I'd been eleven when she stopped caring so why didn't she just admit everything then?

Probably because I could go to the police and dob her in for abducting me when I was a kid.

I wonder what it was that made her just give up, probably the sudden realisation I had no intent to be a hillbilly like her.
It could have also been her noticing I couldn't look less like her if I tried, she had brown eyes and brown hair.

Me on the other hand I had green eyes and naturally red hair even if I had cheated nature and bleached it blonde ages ago.

I didn't think my hair will ever go back to it's normal colour after what I've done to it.

I don't care, I hated being a redhead anyway, people would always be like 'that explains her temper.'
Which was alright the first few rounds but after hearing it on an average of ten times a day, that's when you decide you want to kill everyone.

That's why I bleached it blonde when I was twelve, people stopped with the redhead jokes after then.
Although when the bullying started up again they went onto calling me an 'airheaded, peroxide blonde.'

The last straw had been me adding black to the tips, then everything stopped and they just stuck with the regular, garden variety name calling.

It didn't take long for me to flat out decide I hate nearly all people after that.
Well the small exception being Katelyn who I'd met at twelve but hadn't decided I liked until I was almost thirteen.

The band's pretty much the only people I've opened up to other than Katelyn, they know almost everything about me.

There's only a few things I've kept from them and it was within reason, some details they didn't need to know.
In the small window of time between Katelyn dying and me standing on the side of the bridge I'd made some, mistakes.

I've done some things that I regret, like everyone else in their life.
I just did it quicker than most.

I'd managed to shred almost every piece of dignity I have in one night once.

The only thing that reminded me what I was doing had been me getting lucky and having a fleeting moment of drunk clarity.

Maybe I'd need to start drinking again to see if what I'd done was the right thing, I'm open to it.

As long as I don't have to see the guys I can cope, I'll just pretend it never happened at all.
But there's so much I have to remember, it wasn't like I only hung out with them for a few hours.

What I'd done was something you can't forget easily.

For example I've been made aware there is much more out in the world than humans, there's vampires and angels too, and God knows what else.

When I say 'God knows' I mean it literally, he's probably out there as well.

Maybe I should consider a life as a nun?

No I like cigarettes, swearing and drinking too much, on top of that I let a vampire bite me so that more or less means I'm going to hell.

Thinking of being bitten I let my hand drift to my neck, feeling the marks that have almost completely healed but it didn't mean the memories weren't raw.

I kept thinking of that night, Frank biting me.

'What's it like to be bitten by a vampire?'

'I don't know, I was dead when I was bitten. You could ask Gee, Ray or Bob when they wake up though.'

'Bite me then.'

'Haha, what?'

'Bite me, I want to see what it feels like.'

'You're kidding.'

I found myself smiling at the memory, Frankie's laugh was so cute, it was like a giggle.

He'd been as awkward as I was, I was little bit more okay with it though, since I was still feeling a slight buzz from the Skittles I'd stuffed myself with earlier.

'What do you prefer?'

'Um, I usually go for the wrist but I think I'd rather bite you, uh on the neck. I just wanted you to know that I've never bitten anyone like that before and uh, you're the first person that's ever been awake for it and I wanted you know, for it to be different.'

'Sure, okay.'

'You do remember the saying curiosity killed the cat right?'

'I'm not a cat and your name's not curiosity.'

'Okay, uh, move your hair.'

'What's with the laughter?'

'I'm sorry, I laugh when nervous.'

'I still can't believe I'm agreeing to this. Gerard's gonna flat out murder me.'

'Just do it before I chicken out.'

He'd actually been shy, the confident, talkative, goofball Frank Iero had been shy, he was so adorable.
I even remember him blushing.

The smile on my face faltered, when my heart grew fuzzy at the thought of him.

No, no, no, I can't go back on this, I've made the right choice and nothing will change my mind.
Not even Frank and the very real possibility that I might have allowed myself to fall head over heels in love with him.

I've fallen and sooner or later I'll hit the ground and when I do it will fucking hurt.
It will hurt and I'll never be mended.

I'd barely been able to put myself together again after Katelyn and I just loved her as a friend.
I love, loved, Frank more than that, it was a kind of throw yourself in headfirst without thinking love.

It's the sort were both parties get injured whether it ends good or bad and I wasn't just worried for myself but him as well.

I'd heard him on the bus saying that he loved me, he might but he's only realised it today right?

Because I left immediately he won't be able to fully fall in love.
I did the right thing, I saved him from getting hurt.

I don't want his heart to be broken but I don't want mine broken either.

There's a fine line where it's reasonable and where it's selfish.
I honestly believe I've managed to stay on the side of reasonable.

He'll be fine, he's a vampire and he gets to live forever.
Enough time will pass and he'll get over it, besides guys can't love as deeply as girls can.
Okay that just sounded flat out stupid.

"So what did you say your name was?" The chick asked and I looked at her, taking my eyes off the view of the road through the window

"Misty." I told her, propping my head in my hand and leaning against the window with a sigh.

I didn't want to be Fallyn anymore.
Originally Fallyn had been a way to escape my old life in Blackford as Misty.
Now I was picking the name back up and dropping Fallyn.

My true name, I'd only ever be able to relate that to the band and my time with them, especially Frank's nickname for me.
Fal's.

"It's nice to meet you, I'm Rose." She held a hand out, keeping the other one on the steering wheel and I halfheartedly shook it.

"So whatcha going to Blackford for?" I adjusted myself in the seat of the old station wagon, turning enough to face her.

I thought for a moment, deciding whether I should tell her the truth or come up with a cheap lie.

"I'm originally from Blackford and a little while ago I decided to commit suicide so I found the highest point in town, The Widows Arch Bridge. This one night I was standing on the railing, getting ready to jump." Rose kept on taking cautious glances at me, more or less wondering if she'd just let a crazy person into her car.

"And I swear I was about to jump when I heard this voice behind me 'stop! What are you doing?! You're going to hurt yourself!' It said and the voice eventually turned out to belong to the rhythm guitarist of my favourite band." Now she's definitely giving me a look, oh well, I'd freak out too if someone got into my car and started babbling about stuff like that.

"But I jumped off the bridge and died which would probably seems like it sucks and believe me it does. But this rhythm guitarist, I don't know, let's call him Frank, jumped into the water and saved me." I was gesturing about recklessly and practically babbling, whether Rose realised it or not I was venting.

"I won't go into all the details of it right now but the people in the band Frank belonged to turned out to be vampires which was cool very briefly. I'll keep the names to myself but I let one of them feed off me which didn't actually hurt that much." At this point I sounded almost hysterical and had to focus on keeping myself calm.

"In the end I made out in the snow with Frank and the lead singer of the band got really pissed off because surprise, surprise I'm actually his sister. It turns out the woman I grew up with actually kidnapped me when I was six and my whole life is a lie."

"Now because I'm too afraid to be in love and have a future I'm running back to Blackford like a complete pansy where I'll be attending my dead best friends memorial service that's being held ridiculously close to to Christmas. Oh and that dead best friend, she's now my guardian angel and she hasn't visited me for nearly a week." I finished with a huff and dropped my head on the window with Rose staring at me for a moment.

The car was silent before being filled with the raucous sounds of the drivers laughter.

"Haha, you're a funny one kid. Have you ever considered being a writer? You could come up with a story and a half, that's for sure." Good, I was actually hoping she wouldn't take me seriously, I'd be in trouble if she did.

She gave me a smirk and turned back to the road, driving as the sky began to get dim.

"How long until we get to Blackford?" I asked, not bothering to look at her anymore.

"Lets see, it's about six now, I'm gonna be making some stops so it'll be around six in the morning by the time we pass through Blackie." I nodded, trying to think of how I'll keep myself entertained until then.

First thing I'll be doing when I get to Blackford is going to my old house, the one I'll never be staying at again for as long as I live.

Running off and abandoning the bus meant leaving all my things behind, including my clothes.
I'd briefly considered taking my phone but changed my mind and left it there as well, pulling it out of my pocket and dropping it on the ground at the last moment.

I need to get some of my clothes from my old bedroom, if everything's still in there.
That woman's probably thrown everything out by now, that'd be just my luck.

I don't know what I'll do if that's happened, I'm actually a little scared.

I'd been calm when I originally ran away from home but then I'd had a bag full of clothes and a plan.
If you could count suicide as a plan.

"Alright, I'm gonna try to get some sleep." I told her, reclining the seat and pulling my jacket tighter around me and curling up.

I lay a hand on my stomach, trying to calm the uneasiness and regret building up inside me.

'It's okay, nothing's going to hurt you, I'm not going to let anything touch you.'

'If you stay with us I promise nothing bad will happen to you ever again, no more loss or depression.'

Apparently Frank never realised it wasn't just the world that was able get to me.

It was my mistakes.

It was my self doubt.
My fears.

Notes