S-I-N, I, S-I-N

"Lainey, what's wrong with you?" Iris asked as I pulled her by the arm out of the nurses office and towards the front of the school building where the wall I'd used to sneak out before was hidden.

"We're sneaking off campus and going into town." She attempted to dig her heels into the ground which didn't work at all.

"There is no chance that I'm sneaking out with you! We'll get in huge trouble if we get caught. Why are you suddenly psycho anyway?" I pushed the shrubbery covering the particular spot in the wall out of the way and stopped to look at Iris who was freaking out.

"We won't get caught and you seem to have forgotten that we'll need to leave through here to get to the concert. Pierce The Veil isn't exactly on the list of 'acceptable recreational activities' and there's no reason I'm like this, I just want to get away for a little while."

There was absolutely no fucking chance on God's green earth I was going to admit to Iris that I'm dragging her to town to buy a pregnancy test with me.

To be honest I was terrified and I needed the support of my friend, I'm afraid to be alone because I'll break down into a million pieces.

I'm seventeen, barely, and there's a good chance that I'm pregnant with the school priests child, it's not like it could be anyone else's, I'm not a slut but I am still a kid at the end of the day.

If I am pregnant I have no idea how I'm going to deal.
My parents would kill me, I think literally, I'm an unwed teenager who hooked up with a man of God who's seven years older than me.

The school would have a fit, a fit to end all fits ever fitted, Gerard will get fired and it's damn certain he'll get kicked out of the priesthood.

Of course I haven't forgotten one of the most important people in this predicament, Father Gerard Way who shares half the blame for my situation.

He could hate me or have a spazz...that's basically the only reactions I can come up with, nothing good can come of this.

What am I going to do?
If the pregnancy test is positive, I can't get rid of the baby, I don't want to. It'd be a part of me, a mini human being grown from a fragment of my DNA.

It'd be like flushing a piece of myself down the toilet.

"Uh, could you loosen your grip? I can't feel my arm." Iris said quietly and I came back to reality to find myself standing on the other side of the wall, I must have stepped through while spacing.

"Sure." I realised my death hold and mumbled some apologies, where the hell is my head at?

"So are you planning to tell me the real reason you're going into Brighthollow?" I'd started walking away from her, towards the bus stop, and she jogged to catch up.

"I think it'd be best if I kept it to myself, you don't want to know." From what I'd collected of being around her, she would be horrified to hear the truth.

"Has this got to do with the pregnancy thing?" I almost fell over, I'd been praying Iris would be naive enough to not pick to on that.

"No, don't be stupid." I walked faster, my brains logic telling me it'd throw Iris off that scent of my lie.

We reached the stop and I had my fingers crossed that the bus would show up sometime very soon.

"Lainey, have you been having sex?" She whispered the whole thing as if we were talking about a socially unacceptable subject that could get us killed.

"Do you really want an answer?" There was a pause before she shook her head and stared at the ground, "are you planning on coming to town or not?" She gave a deep sigh and quickly calculated the possible consequences if we got caught.

"Might as well, I'm already off grounds." Another sigh before she dropped on the bus stop bench next to me.

I smiled at my friend, feeling grateful for some company even though it didn't manage to take my mind of the stress and worry it was currently going through.

I'm not sure how long I sat in silence, wondering what I'd do once I'd bought the test and been given a moment in privacy.
Maybe it's a false alarm, maybe I'm completely fine and what I'm going through is just a cold....but probably not.

"Lane, the bus." Iris poked me in the side, I slowly stood up, followed her on and flashed my student pass card.

We found a spot at the back and sat down in a corner, away from the rest of the passengers who had been forced to use public transport like us.

"Will you be okay enough to go to the concert?" Her voice was filled with concern and I couldn't decide whether it was for me or herself but I still found it entertaining.

"I'll be good, I'm not going to miss that band for anything in the world." Of course there were a few exceptions but I hoped they wouldn't come up.

The silence between us fell for the final time and I stared out the window to keep myself distracted. The trip wasn't too long but to my brain it felt like an eternity before the bus made its stop outside the towns main road.

Together, Iris and I got off along with a few other people and walked to the stoplight, waiting for a chance to cross safely.

She kept taking glances, appearing worried that I might suddenly flip and break down or do something equally crazy, I wanted to but knew I couldn't.

It was hard to pretend I felt normal, it was a struggle actually and I had to clear my mind to cope and focus on nothing other than what I needed to get done.

There was also a small flicker of hope in the back of my mind that I wouldn't get another bout of nausea that'd send the contents of my stomach onto the floor.

I haven't puked in public before and I'm smart enough to know that it's not something people would appreciate very much, especially whoever has to clean it up afterwards.

As we walked across the road I counted my lucky stars that I'd collected my allowance packet from the office this morning, otherwise I'd have no money to spend.

"The chemist's over there," Iris pointed to a small building that'd been neatly tucked away between a video store and a newsagents, "do you want me to go in with you?" She added, chewing on her lip and glancing at the clothes shop not too far away from the chemist.

"You don't have to if you don't want to." I told her, pulling the sleeves of my hoodie down to keep warm, however this goes, it's gonna be awkward buying a pregnancy test.

"I really wanna stay out here. It's just that my Uncle knows the man who runs this place and he'd probably tell my family that I'd been seen with someone buying...uh yeah." I got her point and smiled before turning then walking into the aged building.

~~~

I was more nervous than I'd ever been in my entire life as I walked towards the shared bathrooms in my dorm, knowing what I had to do.

I'd already gone through the incredibly horrible experience of buying pregnancy tests that I'd happily never repeat again.

Okay, I need to stop being a sissy and get this over and done with before I chicken out.

I pushed the door in front of me open and walked into the bathrooms, automatically entering and locking myself in a stall.

Trying to pretend it was a bandaid I quickly scanned the instructions, peed on the little plastic stuck then left the bathrooms before anyone could come in and guess what I was doing.

Alright, I have to admit at a christian school the first thing people would expect probably isn't teen pregnancy but I wasn't taking any risks.
My inner daredevil is at an extreme minimum.

Barely managing to avoid bumping into someone I retreated to the safety of my room and dropped onto my bed with a sigh.

Iris had volunteered to give me some alone time if I needed it and I gladly accepted, if this came back as positive I didn't want her to see me have a panic attack.

I put the test next to me, set a timer on my iPod then covered my head with a pillow, not wanting to open my eyes until I had to.

"Fuck." I groaned, trying to get some of my internal frustration out.

I'm stupid, so sucking stupid.
How on earth could I be dumb enough to not use a condom?

I've had high school reminding me to practice safe sex ever since I was in middle school. Girls in the movies I watch get pregnant all the time and their lives are always fucked up.
There's a fricken tv show dedicated to pregnant teenagers!

Whatever happens I'll know that I've gotten what I deserve, I was stupid and I'm now in deep shit.

Never in my life have I ever thought I'd be that girl, the one who gets gossiped about because she's seventeen and expecting.
There's a good chance I'm now her.

beep
beep
beep

The alarm on my iPod went off and I sat up, the pillow falling onto the floor with my heart beating faster.

How am I supposed to do this?
Is there a mind frame I need to be in?
Do I just look?

With my hand nearly shaking I picked up the test and squinted in an attempt to read the screen.

One, two, there's two lines.

If I'd been standing I would have collapsed.

I fucked up, I fucked up big.

"Oh fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." God dammit, this isn't supposed to happen, this isn't fair at all, I don't deserve this.

What am I going to do?
I'm pregnant, I have a freaking kid inside of me.
I'm an incubator for a mini human being because I'm a fucking idiot who has screwed her own life.

I want to vomit and I want to cry and I want to scream. I want my Mum to comfort me and say everything's gonna be fine but it's not.
Nothing's gonna be okay and my parents will hate me for the rest of my existence.

How am I going to tell them what I've done?

They're christian and they believe in no sex before marriage, they thought I was a virgin before I came here.

There's no way I can tell them I'm pregnant.

What about Gerard?
How am I going to bring this up? Pregnancy isn't exactly something you can just casually slip into a conversation.

I'll have to tell him, there's no other options, he'll find out one way or another.

I slept with him for the first time on December the nineteenth and it's gone onto the fifth.
If I were to get pregnant on the first time that means it's been over two weeks.

That's why I'm like this, I've been stuck with morning sickness. The whole time I've thought it was just a cold or something but it's fucking morning sickness.

Slowly I stood up and tucked the positive pregnancy test into my hoodie, "I have to tell him."

I walked towards the door, not allowing myself a moment to think of what he'd do or say. The dizziness hit me as I descended the stairway and I had to remind myself to slow down a little so I wouldn't stumble.

"Lainey, are you alright?" I looked at Luka who was sitting on a sofa at the bottom of the stairs with Iris beside him.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I mumbled as I went to the door which was unconventionally placed next to the couch.

"Are you sure?" I left without answering, there's only one person I want to talk to.

I ran a thumb over the test, then placed my hand against my stomach, still not being able to believe I was carrying a baby no matter how tiny it may be.

In nine months...if everything goes well, I'll have a full size baby, on the outside of me.
I'll have a bunch of problems to match, don't know what exactly but it'll he something bad.

Will it be a boy or a girl?
I kinda hope it's a girl.

I'm getting a bit over the top, I've only just found out and it's like I'm planning a friggen family.

What am I going to do when I start showing? That's gonna happen and I won't be able to do anything about it even if I try.

The headmistress or someone will call my parents then my parents will call me and I will be in indescribable amounts of trouble.

The church was completely empty, Father Way wasn't walking around or looking through the huge bible he read from every morning. He obviously wouldn't be in the confessional either so I went to the place I'd seen him most often over the past week.

I walked to his office to find Gerard sitting at his desk, head bent down and writing on a sheet of paper. Stacks of forms and files were on either side of him, just like the last time I'd come by here.

His hair was a little messier than usual and hanging in his face, an indicator that he'd need to take a shower sometime soon.

He was wearing the same thing I'd seen him in earlier on today, black button up shirt, his collar and black jeans although the leather jacket was gone.

I rapped on the door a couple of times to get his attention but he didn't even look up, he's stuck in the land of paperwork.

"Gerard." I said but he didn't even blink let alone raise his head enough to see me standing there.

I closed the office door behind me and leant against it as a precaution in case someone decided to walk in whenever they felt like it.

I reached back and locked the door as well, I already knew it was there since I know every inch of his office by this point.

"Gerard." I tried again, my voice a little louder this time.

"Hmm?" His reply was barely even a sound but it was still better than nothing at all.

"I really need to talk to you." I took a couple of steps away from the door and towards the desk.

"Hmm." It was the exact same sound and proof that he wasn't actually listening.

"It's about how I've been throwing up lately." I might as well have been having a conversation with a wall, it'd be a better listener than him.

I don't even know why I kept taking, maybe because I just needed to say it out loud to confirm the test was real.

"Hmm."

"It's morning sickness. I've got morning sickness and I'm pregnant." I felt like a great weight had been dropped off my shoulders and I could breath again, at least until his response.

"Hmm." I felt angry now, it wouldn't kill him to just tune in for a couple of damn seconds, it was paperwork and the world wouldn't end if he put it off a little.

"Gerard, for fucks sake, listen!" I yelled at him and he finally looked up, paying attention to what was going on around him for the first time.

"What?" He snapped, seeming annoyed that I'd interrupted him from his precious work.

He angrily brushed his hair back, green eyes blazing brighter and if the situation we were in wasn't so tense I would have jumped on him.

"I'm pregnant."

The pen in his hand dropped to the wooden tabletop with a clatter and the look on his face became one of complete shock.

It took a couple of seconds for his expression to change then ever so slightly the corners of his mouth tugged up into a soft smile and the words that left his lips were barely more than a whisper.

"I'm gonna be a dad?"

Notes