When I made the spur of the moment decision to kiss him I had no idea how he was going to react.
Well I hoped a little that he didn't jump back screaming 'cooties' or something along those lines but that was about it.

Nearly all the choices in my life were random, in the moment decisions and more often than not it was obvious in the results.

This choice I made though, it would have to take position at the top of the cake for randomness.
I didn't know I was going to do it and Gerard definitely didn't know, he thought I hated him for gods sake.

So yeah I think I did a royal effort of surprising the both of us at the same time.
The only difference was that I knew for sure I liked the kiss, didn't know how he felt about it though.

He might have been disgusted but then again he could have gone through the same thing as me and had his heart speed up, his palms get sweaty and all the bad choices he'd ever made hit him at once.

I could feel Gerard under me, stock still and not moving at all, I think he actually stopped breathing.

He as going to reject me, I knew it, the only time in my life when I've ever truly felt anything for a guy and acted on it and I was gonna be rejected.
I just shouldn't be around people, ever.

I was right about what I thought before, a few seconds of his lips against mine, it didn't cancel out the pain of rejection.
I could feel it already.

Before I'd have to deal with having him shove me away I dropped his wrist and let go of his shirt, immediately pulling back.

"Sorry, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have done that, sorry." I stood up and looked at Gerard for a moment, he seemed completely taken by surprise, oh well, at least he's not asking me to prove it anymore.

I turned around and picked up the bowls from the table and walked towards the kitchen.
Maybe I could just pretend it never happened.

That's what I wanted to do, avoid it until it went away, Gerard did the same thing with his problems.

"I'm just gonna do the dishes and I'll uh, call my friend Dayna then probably get some sleep. You should go to bed." My voice had shot up in pitch and I was fluctuation between half yelling and muttering.

Gerard was gonna say something to me, whether it was today, tomorrow or next month and I was scared to hear it.

I should ask Dayna what to do, she knew about guys and she'd dated a fair few in her time.
I'll leave his name out of it and ask her what to do but knowing her she'll tell me to grow a pair and that'll be it.

No I know what I should do, I'll go back to my aunties place, who cares if the mafia get me, it can't be worse than this.

I feel all fuzzy inside, my hearts going at a million miles an hour and I can still feel him on my lips.
But at the same time a feel sick to my stomach with nerves.

It's fucking awful, it's like being on a roller coaster that I can't get of, I'm riding a high and I'm terrified of the plummet I'm going to take.

What if everything I said was completely useless, what if Gerard doesn't stop with the razorblades and keeps using them?

I've made it obvious the world doesn't hate him but he more than likely won't listen to me, once he's made up his mind it's impossible to get him to change it.

What I've done is undoubtably a million times worse though, I don't think I could ever forgive myself for some of the mistakes I've made.

I've said things I wished I kept to myself and I've done things I wish I could undo.
Some people say it's better to feel regret than remorse but honestly I would rather wish I did something.

I wanted to go to my room and was hastily packing things into the dishwasher, I don't know why but it felt a little like I was organising things in my head.

I was putting away all the cluttered thoughts so I could sleep.

It was something I had to do or I'd just lie in bed, thinking of what'd I'd done, regretting everything and letting it make me feel sick.

Besides I promised to call Dayna and I have to do it, dealing with my thoughts for the moment would also stop me from babbling my head off to her. Because if I were to hear her voice in this state of mind I'd spill everything like a gossip magazine.

"Lyric."

I almost dropped the plates in my hands when I suddenly heard Gerard's voice in the kitchen.
With a deep breath I pulled myself together and continued putting the dishes away.

"Lyric, I'm trying to talk to you." I sighed and looked up, I really don't want to talk to him after what I did.

"Can you please just give me a moment?" I chewed the inside of my lip at the thought, put the rest of the plates away then straightened myself.

"Uh, yeah." Feeling my nerves build up but not allowing it to show I sat on the bench.

"That was kinda unexpected." Gerard mumbled, no shit, I didn't even know I was gonna do it.

I opened my mouth to say something and Gerard held up a hand, telling me he wanted to speak so I sat there silently.

"But I like you too. I like how when we talk you can make me forget, whether it's for a few minute or hours or days. You make me forget what it's like to hurt and I feel okay again."

No I don't want him to think about me like that, I'll let him down, I've done it to other people before.

"I should call Dayna." I muttered, hopping off the bench and starting to walk off.

"But what you did it made me think and I truly like you and it's not just like. I really admire how you've managed to stick around even though you've seen what I'm like. I can whine and I don't always want to talk, I can annoy the band yet you still like me."

I paused, everything tonight was just a surprise after surprise and I felt my heart beat faster with what he was saying to me.

"And you know, I think I kinda love you a little bit." He mumbled and I turned around, the pessimistic side of me managing to take over.

"Haha very funny, I know it's just a joke." Even saying that I was aware of how bitter I could be but I enjoyed seeing the dark side of life.

Gerard took a couple of steps closer, looked at me, staring more like it before frowning and moving his hand up to my face.

I jerked my head away before he tucked a stray piece of black hair behind my ear.

His hand stayed there for a moment longer than necessary and the room grew very warm, very quickly.

"I'm not joking, if you can like me then how can it seem so impossible for me to love you?" His palm was resting on my cheek and I was trying to think of what I should say to him.

Before I could think of anything his fingers went around my wrist and with a sharp tug he pulled me towards him.
Our lips collided and I instantly forgot how to breath.

We'd barely been touching for a second before we were all over each other, his hand gripping my hair in a fist and holding me against him.
My fingers hooked in the loops of his jeans.

I gasped as he pushed against my body, the edge of the bench pressed into my back. His mouth left mine, going to my neck and I felt his tongue run along my throat.

Gerard's behaviour was completely different from what I was used to and I think I like it.
No I know I do.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do this for." Gerard murmured before kissing me on the jaw and bringing his lips back to mine.

Our tongues swirled against each other as Gerard took a couple of steps away from the bench, me stumbling after him.
He backed me against a wall, I could tell we were getting further and further from the kitchen but it didn't matter.

"Do you really wanna go down this road?" He asked, I couldn't speak if I wanted to and simply nodded in response then he pushed me harder against the wall.

I opened my eyes to see him looking at me, his bright hazel eyes glazed over with a lustful gleam I'd never seen before.
We were pressed so close together that I could feel every inch of him against me and there was no doubt he could feel me as well.

His fingers slipped to the front of my jeans and I felt his hands trying to undo the buckle.
I could have stopped him if I wanted to and I definitely didn't want to with how good I felt right now.

While he was struggling to undo my pants I kicked my shoes off and heard them hit a wall on the other side of the room.

My heart was pounding hard enough that I could hear blood roaring in my ears.

Gerard's fingers glided the zip of my jeans down and I pulled him closer to me, undoubtedly making things more difficult for him. He managed to drag my jeans off before pulling me to the hall stopping halfway.

My fingers ran over his belt, I undid his jeans, sliding them down and I heard his bat belt buckle hit the ground with a thump.

I put my arms around his neck and jumped, his hands clasped at my back and I wrapped my legs around his waist.

"How long has it been since you last...?" I panted against his lips and his mouth went back to my throat.

"About a year." He said and I nodded, incapable of thinking of something to say next.

I managed to say wow before grabbing his chin and bringing his lips back to mine.

My fingers went down to his shirt and I pulled on the edge a couple of times before it slipped up.
With some effort on both our parts I managed to pull his shirt off without breaking some form of body contact for a moment.

Gerard's hands went up the back of top, running down my skin and sending shivers up my spine.

My brain kept telling me that I shouldn't be doing this and I knew there was a good reason why but I couldn't think of it.

He walked me backwards to the doorframe of his bedroom and I rested against it while he dragged my shirt off and tossed it somewhere.
His breath felt hot against my neck and I had to remind myself to breath so I wouldn't pass out.

"What do you want?" He demanded, pressing his lips against mine for a moment.

"Ice-cream." I joked and he kissed me hard, almost angrily before drawing back and moving his mouth to my ear.

"Try again." He whispered, the words ending in a growl and his fingers dug hard into the skin on my back and blurring my thoughts so much I had trouble thinking of a sentence.

"You." I told him, sounding completely feral which was exactly how he'd made me feel.

Every possible inch of our bare skin was touching as he moved towards the bed, dropping me down on the mattress.

I looked up at him, a grin on my face as he leant forward, ours lips almost touching and his hands running up my back.
His fingers reached the clasp on my bra and easily undid it, the straps falling down my shoulders.

My breath got faster, I was nervous and feeling things I was nowhere near used to. I wanted to kiss him and cry or maybe just put up the tough chick act I could do so well.
The one that could trick even the best psychologists.

I wrapped an arm around his neck before dragging him onto the bed, straddling his waist and pinning him down.

"Before we go any further I want you to promise you'll stop." I said firmly, looking pointedly at his left wrist.

"But-"

"No, Gerard. I want you to promise me you'll never do it again and if you want to then come and talk to me, alright? There's other ways around it." Despite the look on his face and the fact that my heart felt like it was about to explode I kept my no nonsense voice on.

"I promise."

~~~

Gerard and I were lying in bed next to each other, panting and still trying to catch our breath.

I was trying to make up my mind, who was more in need of an oxygen tank, me or Gerard.
I think I won since I'd been out of breath before we'd even started.

It'd been a surprise and a half what happened since a couple of hours I was trying to figure out how to ask Gerard about the box.

Now flash into right now, Gerard had said he loved me and we're in his bed together, naked, me with my head on his chest and him with an arm around my waist.

But when I think about it when has my life ever been predictable.
Random stuff comes flying at me left and right and that's the only thing on a schedule.

Our clothes were all over the house, I think my shoes might be in the living room or possibly the kitchen.

He'd had a complete personality swap that I hadn't expected, instead of being the soft spoken guy I was used to he'd actually gotten bossy which was a little startling.
I'm not saying I hated it though.

Even though I'd been all over him at the beginning I became a little hesitant but after a confession from me (in other words explaining that I was a virgin) we took our time and uh, things turned out well.

I was now completely exhausted and ready to go to sleep, I was just waiting for my heart to calm down.

"You are very good, I feel kinda light headed now." I mumbled and Gerard laughed, vibrations running through his chest.

"By the way, where the hell did all that come from?" I had a right to know what was up with the sudden shove against a wall behaviour manifested from.

"You've seen me happy, depressed, nervous, sad and a bunch of other things but have you ever seen me when I'm turned on?" I shook my head and looked up to see the grin on his face that lasted momentarily.

"You don't hate me for it do you?" I propped myself up on an elbow, peering at him, he's really not as confident as he seems.

"Gerard I love you, will you please just believe that someone loves you?
The world doesn't hate you." I brushed my hand across his cheek, giving him a smile.

"The world can loath me for all I care. The only thing that matters is you love me back." He murmured, then pressed his lips against mine, running his hand up my side and pulling me closer.

"And would you stay right here, did I tell you, that someone out there loves you? If you stay right here, did I tell you, that someone out there loves you after all?" He murmured and I felt my mouth drop a little, that was the song, that was the one he sung to me in my dream!

"Gerard..." I started, knowing that I was on the verge or having a complete panic attack, that means he got in my bed and cuddled me and sung to me.

It means he heard me cry about my Dad.

"Would you like me to sing to you? You should really get some sleep, there something I need to do tomorrow and I want you to come with me." I didn't ask what it was, I figured if it was important enough he'd tell me.

"I'd love it if you'd sing to me." I curled up against him, enjoying the heat of his body next to mine.

"Sometimes the things can always be so far. And sometimes you could look me back and walk down to catch this reason. I tried to make the most of this. And could you make me miss you when we dance beneath the stars." I'd remember the words this time, I'd make sure of it.

"And would you stay right here, did I tell you that someone out there loves you? If you stay right here did I tell you, that someone out there loves you?" It felt special hearing him sing those words to me, even more after I'd heard him say he love me.

I'm that someone out there who he loved and I'm that someone who loves him.

"If there's no one, no one out there. Is there no one, no one who cares. If there's no one, no one out there. Is there no one like you to share. But would you ask yourself. Would you ask yourself."

"Stay. And would you stay right here? Did I tell you that some out there loves you?" I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath and basking in the beauty of his voice like a cat in the sun.

"Stay with me, stay right here. Stay with me, stay right here. Stay right here, stay with me." I nuzzled my head into his chest, making his arm tighter around me.

His voice became barely a whisper, his lips pressing against my hair as he sung.

"Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay..."