I felt almost dizzy after seeing the contents of the box, it wasn't something I ever expected.

At first it was okay and just happened to be some missing object, me trying to guess what was up with it.

Even the old blood made it more mysterious but what I'd just seen made it something else entirely.

There was no mystery left, there'd been no mystery from the start, just my mind rejecting what it'd seen.

If I told myself it wasn't what it seemed then everything would be fine and would have a rational explanation.

This had a rational explanation too, except it was one I didn't want to hear or think about.

I didn't want to see it either and I just had, looking in the box and seeing the fresh blood confirmed the thought at the back of my mind.

When Gerard had come out of the bathroom before I went in he refused to look me in the eyes and was wearing a strange expression.

Now that I think about it more he'd been tugging on the sleeves of his shirt.

Ever since I've known him he's been wearing long sleeved shirts, he hasn't words a T-shirt even once.

Not once had I seen him wearing anything else and if something didn't have sleeves he'd be wearing a jacket or a sweater.

Anything as long as it kept his arms covered up to the wrists.

He'd also be pulling down the sleeves of his shirt all the time, it was a habit just like how I'd play with my lip ring.

Another thing was how he'd excuse himself all the time, whether it was saying he needed to go to the bathroom or check on something.

When I saw him after he came back he'd have this look, his walk would be different and he wouldn't look me in the eyes for at least half an hour.

It was something I was surprised I didn't pick up on earlier, I'm the kind of person who always overthinks, whether it's a persons words or just their body language.

I guess the depression really had taken hold of me.

Not enough that I didn't care about him though, most of the time I wouldn't even bother trying to talk to someone.

Gerard was different, I didn't want him to be upset and no matter how I felt I'd be willing to go out of my way to make him feel better.

When I entered the living room Gerard was sitting with on the couch with his legs crossed, like usual tugging on his sleeves.

I'm gonna talk to him about it, one way or another it needs to be brought up because it's either him or there's a ghost in the apartment.

"Um, what's on?" I asked, he looked up, crossing his arms over his chest before staring at the table.

"Sucker Punch." He mumbled and I walked over to the couch sitting down far away from him.

I knew that I needed to talk to him about what I'd found but it was a terrifying thought since I didn't know how he'd react.

Bringing it up was gonna be a wildcard, I knew that much.

He could get angry and flip out at me for looking at something that didn't belong to me.

He could randomly start crying or maybe just go even more silent.

From what I'd put together of my time with Gerard the most likely reaction would be pretending he has no idea what I'm talking about.

If that were to happen I'll just go into the bathroom and bring out the box which will get a reaction for sure.

The movie started and Gerard glanced at me for a moment before turning his head back to the tv.

"I brought the food over." He told me, pointing to the coffee table and I leant forward to grab a bowl.

"Do you want some?" He shook his head and I sat back against the cushions.

We sat like that for a while, watching the movie and remaining completely silent the whole time.

I didn't feel like eating and after a while I put my bowl back on the table.

Over the time space of half an hour I must have opened my mouth, trying to come up with something to say before closing it again.

I wanted to talk to him about it but I didn't at the same time.

If he was just my friend I probably would have never done it but I cared for him as a friend and a bit more than that.

Ever since I reopened the coffee shop for him I knew I liked Gerard as a person, not just as a rockstar whose interviews I saw online.

He was smart, empathetic, had a quirky sense of humour and he looked at things the same as I did.

I could relate to him more than I thought I would.

"Gerard." I mumbled, feeling awkward just saying his name because I knew what starting this conversation would lead to.

"Yeah?" He didn't move his eyes from the screen but I noticed how he started grabbing his sleeves.

"I was wondering, what happened at the church between you and Mikey?" The second the words left my mouth Gerard frowned, I could tell he didn't like the question.

"Nothing, w-we just talked." I knew he was lying from the moment he stumbled over his words, Gerard has never been the greatest liar.

"What did you talk about?"

"He just wanted to say that he missed me and stuff..." His voice drifted off and he uncrossed his legs, he was looking very uncomfortable.

"What the 'and stuff' for? What did you talk about exactly?" He leant forward, grabbed the bowls and stood up, mumbling something about putting the dishes away.

"Gerard, sit and talk, please." I watched him take a deep breath before he put the food back on the table and sat down.

"What did you talk about and give me some actual details, a sentence or two." I moved closer to him and he sighed, putting his face in his hands.

"There was a little bit of yelling." Gerard was failing at giving me details but it was enough to know here was yelling involved.

Since Mikey looked angry when he dragged Gerard away and was swearing at the same time it wasn't hard to guess he was the one who did the swearing.

"Let's go back to the movie alright?" He turned up the volume, yeah I was touching on a sensitive subject and I could tell he wasn't enjoying it.

On the other hand I was getting him to say more words tonight than he's said on the past five days combined.

I'd gotten him to say a little but nowhere near enough, we were slowly peeling back the layers of the subject and I wasn't giving up on.

I still had no real idea what the conversation between Gerard and Mikey was about but I felt like the best way to find out would be to bring up the box I found in the bathroom.

There was a problem though, I knew the second I brought that up he would more than likely shut down and not say anything else for the night.

So I decided it would best for me to have cold hard proof that he couldn't avoid talking about.

"Gerard." I tried again and he sighed loudly enough for me to hear him over the tv.

"What?" He started to sound annoyed and I had no doubt he'd be going through a few other emotions tonight.

Just wait till he finds out what I know.

"Can I hold your hand, please?" He looked rather thrown off by my request and obviously didn't see what I planned.

"Oh, um, sure." He hesitantly held his hand out to me, moving closer so I could reach it.

It was strange feeling his palm against mine and it made my arm tingle a little bit, almost distracting me from what I intended to do.

While he was looking at the tv I slowly inched closer to him so we were almost sitting together.

He was right handed so if there's any marks they'll be on his left arm won't they?

Gerard seemed to be distracted enough by the movie and I carefully reached for the sleeve of his shirt with my free hand.

I managed to move the fabric back about a centimetre before he noticed and immediately pulled his hand away like I was on fire.

"What are you doing?" He wasn't pleased with what I'd done and I could tell by how his eyes went darker.

"Why are you always wearing long sleeved shirts, don't you get hot?" He crossed his arms so I couldn't reach his sleeve.

"No and it's none of your business." He muttered angrily, looking like he was about to stand up at any moment.

"Why are you hiding something?" His jaw clenched, I was definitely getting to him, I just couldn't see how the conversation was going to end up.

"No."

"Then let me see your arms." He looked at me, pursed his lips then tugged his right sleeve back.

His arm was pale and smooth of course but it wasn't the arm I was trying to see.

"The left one please." Gerard moved away from me, he knew I was onto him and definitely wouldn't be letting me see his arm any time soon.

"For gods sake, no." He put his hands on the couch, pushing himself up and before he could move anywhere I stopped him in a fashion very typical of me.

I'm normally a very physical person plus I don't really know the meaning of personal space so I have no problem getting in other people's bubble.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" He demanded as I sat on him.

Hey don't blame me, it's the only way I could think of making him stay on the couch.

"I was in the bathroom earlier today and you know what I found? A box full of razorblades and there was dried blood on it."

Saying that got me a surprised look and took the wind out of his sails.

"Then I looked at it again today, right after you came out of the bathroom and you wanna hear something else? There was fresh blood. Is there something you'd like to tell me?" He completely froze, not saying anything at all, he was busted alright.

So on that note I decide to confirm everything.

I grabbed his left arm and before he could pull it away I tugged his sleeve down.

"Oh, Gerard." I gasped, his other arm had been so smooth and pale and completely unmarked.

Then there was this one.

Cuts everywhere, at least fifteen, all bright red and a couple of them looking very fresh.

There was no doubt the razors belonged to him and he'd put them to some serious use as well.

"Don't." He tried to pull his arm away and I tightened my grip.

"Gerard, why would you do that?" I asked him, moving his arm so I could clearly see all the cuts.

Now that I looked closer there was more than fifteen, some had faded to the point of almost being gone and some were scars.

He's been doing this for a while, the whole cutting thing isn't recent.

"Why?" I asked again squeezing his wrist and making him look at me, instead of a wall or just anywhere else.

"Because it's better than drinking or taking drugs." He hissed in response and I was surprised by his tone, despite him seeming angry his words choked off at the end.

"At least with this I can go onto the stage without falling over." He told me and I shook my head before he'd finished.

"Had it occurred to you that they could get infected?" I thrust my finger at the marks and the expression he was wearing suggested he hadn't thought of it.

"And why? Why would you start doing this?" I thought he was happy, before the whole thing with the church he was smiling, he seemed like he was feeling better.

"Because everyone's hates me." He had to be joking, who on earth could hate Gerard, he was so nice and he saved kids lives.

He's never done anything that could make anyone hate him.

"What are you taking about? Who would make you think that?" Gerard mumbled a word under his breath then repeated himself when he realised I couldn't hear him.

"M-Mikey." My mouth fell open.

"Mikey said that? Your brother Mikey?" He nodded and I swallowed, my throat feeling thick, his own brother said he hated him.

"It was at the church. He said I abandoned him and he hated me and wished I wasn't his brother." I bit my lip, I don't know what to say, what words could you use after hearing something like that?

Now I knew what made him upset, that's what Mikey yelled at him while I'd been talking to the band.

It was the same thing that made him so depressed.

"He's right, I abandoned him and he should hate me for it. Everyone should hate me, I'm a horrible brother." No he wasn't, he went to the service, he talked to Mikey.

Everyone had a way of dealing with their problems, Gerard did it by getting away from the world.

He didn't do anything he coped the best he could and I'm sure Mikey had his own way of mourning.

"Gerard you didn't abandon him, you kept yourself sane. It was to much pressure to continue the album and be in the spotlight after something like that and you helped yourself, you needed to." He looked away from me, as if he was thinking before looking back.

"I didn't keep myself sane." He muttered then followed it up with a huff.

"Yes you did. I've seen you, you can smile and be happy. You didn't let depression rule your life." At least not until now, my brain added before I told it to shut up.

"No you didn't understand, I've never kept myself sane, you did."

Wait what.

"P-pardon?" I couldn't have heard him right, my minds probably making stuff up, it wouldn't be a first.

"That night at the coffee shop, I was planning to kill myself. Why do you think I have a gun?" I opened my mouth to say something then closed it again, I didn't have any words.

"But you gave me a hug and said how you were looking forward to hearing the next album and I rethought it. You didn't really leave me with any room to say thank you though so I kinda pulled it together and came back to the shop."

He continued talking and I couldn't come up with anything. Me who could talk someone's ear off when she wanted to.

"You were busy and I lost my nerve so I left you the note instead. Then I managed to talk myself into it later, came back and we talked." It was strange hearing everything from his side of things and it made me think of things differently.

I managed to stop Gerard, Gerard Way, the leader singer of My Chemical Romance from killing himself.

What he said reminded me of a line in the note I'd gotten from him.

'I'd like to say thank you for the words you said to me the other night, they've really given me something to think about and have made me reconsider some of my decisions.'

That's what he was talking about, I made him rethink suicide.

"Why the marks then?" I finally said, I probably should have come up with more to say but it was hard when I could feel the cuts under my fingertips with my hand wrapped around his wrist.

"I told you, everyone hates me, I hate me and this is my way of hating myself." I frowned, it wasn't attractive on me but I didn't care much at the moment.

"No, I don't hate you and you shouldn't hate yourself. You should know that better than anyone else, I've heard you tell kids that at your shows."

I hadn't really thought about it much but I'd just realised we had the whole conversation with me sitting on his lap, which would have been weird if we weren't distracted by talking.

"It's one thing to say something and it's a whole other thing to do it. Besides you've spent a week here and over the past few days you've hardly talked to me at all."

Are you fucking kidding me?!

I just spent my whole day trying to talk to him!

"Gerard for gods sake I don't hate you, no one hates you, except for boy band fan girls and fuck them anyway. My friend Dayna loves you, she's a huge fan of your music and I had a few friends back in Oz who loved your music as well." Trying to explain things to him was like talking to a brick wall, if said this earlier and was right.

Whatever I say bounces off him and comes back, it's useless, he's in a glass house of his own ignorance.

"I truly like you, even my sub-conscience likes you. Did you know I had a dream where you sung to me?" I totally regret saying that, it was a stupid thing I should have kept to myself.

Gerard started to say something and I cut him off, I knew it'd be about the dream and I didn't want to talk about it.

"If anything I should be worried that you like me, I've done nothing for you but make you have to kill someone and be a whiny, angst riddled teenager who has too many problems." I sighed, this night was going nothing like I planned and I was saying more of my thoughts that I meant to.

"So I like you alright, can you please just understand me for heavens sake?" I finished my mini rant with him sitting there, eyebrows raised and looking at me questioningly.

"Prove it." I groaned in frustration, actually wanting to slap him just a little.

At first I pitied Gerard but now he was annoying me with his cynicism.

"Prove it? How can I-ugh. You're my friend, I'm here I can't just prove that in friggen, oh fuck it."

It was to hard to prove to someone that you liked them, although it was easy to show when you like, liked them.

I grabbed Gerard by the front of the shirt, leaned forward and kissed him right on the lips, like I've been wanting to for ages.