It took more or less half an hour in the taxi for it to finally stop in front of a small church in Belleville, New Jersey.

During our trip Gerard had explained why the sprinkling of the ashes was going to be done here.

His parents had apparently wanted to have their ashes cast at the same church where they'd been married.
It was really sweet that they got what they wished for and I hoped that when I died in the distant future people would respect my wishes...

I wanted to be stuffed by a taxidermist.

Just anything that doesn't involve disintegrating or burying me alive because my greatest fear is waking up in a coffin.

It trumps spiders, heights, enclosed spaces, sea monsters, anything that you could imagine me being scared of it beats.

"Hey, come on." Gerard shook my hand, snapping me out of the zone I'd entered and bringing me back to reality.

I looked at him before getting out of the car when he politely held the door open for me.
Once I was out he closed the door and the taxi drove away, leaving us standing outside the church.

We both took a moment to absorb the surroundings, him because he grew up here and me because it was my first time in New Jersey.

My stomach went from normal to tied in knots when I saw someone walk past the church window. I really didn't want to do this but I was here for him and wouldn't leave until he wanted to go.

I took a deep breath, getting myself prepared for whatever could happen in the next ten minutes then looked at Gerard who seemed tense, with good reason.

"Are you ready?" I asked him and he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath like me then finally nodding, this was going to be hard for him and both of us knew it.

I began to take a step forward but halted when I felt him reach out and grasp my hand tightly in his, my stomach filled with butterflies.

"I'm sorry, I just..." His words drifted off and I squeezed his hand for a moment, letting him know it was okay.

"Gerard it's fine, I won't let go until you do, alright?" He's been with me through much worse so it was no big deal for me, the biggest thing I had to deal with was fluttering in my heart caused by his hand grasping mine.

"Yep, let’s do this." He took the first step towards the church and I followed him, trying to keep up with his brisk pace.

Within what felt like seconds we'd gone from the edge of the road to standing right outside the church.
Gerard clenched his jaw then as if not giving himself the chance to hesitate grabbed the handle with his free hand and twisted, opening the door.

Despite the loud creaking of the rusted hinges no one turned to look like I expected so Gerard and I quietly entered.

I don't think either of us had much of an idea as to what we were supposed to do until the ceremony started so he simply half dragged me to a corner, looking like he was on the verge of panic.

His breathing had gotten faster and his grip on my hand had tightened to the point of being almost painful.
I've never seen him like this before and I have no idea how on earth I'm gonna get him to relax.

"Gerard, Gee, look at me." I spoke quietly to him, I was freaking out as well but I hoped that if I kept it inside and seemed laid back then I'd be able to calm him down.

"Think of something else okay? Nothing bad's gonna happen but you need to stop panicking." I don't know exactly what kind of person he is but I got the feeling I'd need to slap him if he had a panic attack, I didn't want to but sometimes those things need to be done.

"Just think of something else then? Like the fact I killed someone?" He whispered back loudly and I held a finger up to my lips, we couldn't have people overhear that.

"Gee." I put my hands on his shoulders, "everything will be fine, we'll take this one step at a time."

He nodded, actually seeming to believe me, his breathing slowed slightly and I counted my lucky stars he'd calmed down or at least for a moment.

"Gerard?" Someone said, sounding surprised and disbelieving at the same time.

I took my hands away from his shoulders and at the same time Gerard and I turned our heads to see the man pushing his way past people.

Strawberry blonde hair hanging in his face, a piercing in his lip and an air about him saying 'leave me alone.'

Bob Bryar didn't even stop for a second before wrapping his arms around Gerard and giving him what looked like a crushing hug with me stepping back and staying out of the way.

"Man, I thought I'd never see you again." He told him and Gerard patted him on the back a couple of times before being released.

"What the hell did you do to your hair? Never mind, stay there while I get the guys, I swear to God if you move an inch I'll whoop your arse." Before Gerard had even gotten a chance to say anything Bob disappeared into the throng of people.

"So what were you saying about how everyone gets tired of you?" I asked, making reference to the conversation we'd had last night while walking back to his apartment.

Gerard opened his mouth then closed it again, as if he had some retort then realised he was wrong.

We stood there looking at each other for a moment, Gerard frowning and probably trying to come up with a reason why people should hate him like he enjoyed doing.

The silence between us was quickly crushed when Bob came back with two other band members, Frank Iero and Ray Toro but Mikey Way was nowhere to be seen.

Before he could duck, run away or stop, drop and roll Gerard was pulled into another crushing hug, this time from Ray and Frank.

"Shit, I can't believe you're really back." Ray said, looking like he was on the verge of picking Gerard up which wouldn't be that hard since he didn't look like he weighed much right now.

As upset as Gerard had looked before there was a tiny, almost undetectable smile on his face with his friends hugging him.

"Gee, you're light as feather. Have you been eating properly?" Ray asked and Gerard mumbled a response that I wasn't close enough to hear.

After what was apparently too long in the manly man world of hugging Gerard pushed them away and crossed his arms.

"I want you guys to meet, Lyric. She convinced me to come." Well I didn't really do anything, it was more along the lines of him taking advantage of the nice side of me and only agreeing to come here on the conditions that I go with him.
But however he saw it, it was fine.

"Thank you so much for bringing him back." I almost screamed out of surprise when I got a bear-hug from Ray and Frank.

The second the hug got so tight that my feet left the ground I asked for them to let go and they did immediately.

"You look really familiar." Frank frowned, giving me a scrutinising once over, I freaking knew I'd get recognised.

"You're that girl from the coffee shop." Bob announced, causing Ray and Frank to have the puzzle pieces put together for them.

Uh oh, they're gonna call me out any moment I just know it, they're gonna say it was all my fault they didn't see Gerard sooner.

"You wouldn't believe some of the crazy shit that's happened." Gerard steered the guy’s attention away from me and I reminded myself to thank him for it later.

"Oh yeah?" Yep it only took a couple of words from Gerard and they completely forgot my existence, never in my life have I enjoyed being ignored so much.

"Mm-hm, did you know that-aaah!" Gerard got knocked over by Mikey who had suddenly noticed us standing in the corner and took Gee down with a hug.

At the sound of Gerard's yelling people turned to look but being unable to see his face went back to what they were doing without realising who it was.

"Where the fuck have you been?" Mikey demanded, standing and easily pulling Gerard up with him.

"Busy." Gerard murmured, going surprisingly quiet and looking like a little kid getting a scolding from an adult.

"No busy isn't fucking good enough, tell me everything right bloody now." Looks like Mikey's not as shy and quiet as I originally thought he was or he at least likes to get loud when he's angry.

Not looking like he was planning to let go anytime soon Mikey grabbed Gerard by the wrist and began all but dragging him across the room, not in an enthusiastic 'I'm happy to see you're alive' way either.

"How the hell did manage to convince him to come here?" Frank asked watching Gerard and Mikey disappear into the crowd before turning his attention back to me.

"I didn't, he said he'd go if I went with him." The way they were acting suggested that it was some incredible, magical feat but it wasn't.

I couldn't see Gerard and Mikey anymore which made me wonder what they were talking about.
When Mikey saw Gerard he looked both happy and incredibly pissed off at the same time so I had no idea how the conversation would go.

"It's still thanks to you that he's here. Once Gee makes his mind up on something there's no changing it. We've all texted him about thirty times asking for him to come to the memorial. We didn't think he was gonna be here, Mikey was kinda pissed off at him for it." So he was angry at Gerard then, oh well he should be happy that he's back now.

"How do know Gerard?" Bob who had been standing quietly on the sidelines of the conversation joined in.

"The day that his parents, um, passed away he came to the coffee shop I work at." It was probably gonna be 'worked' instead of 'work' if I don't call Imigen soon and come up with an excuse for me not being there.

"So you've known him for a while then?" I nodded and glanced in the direction I'd seen Mikey and Gerard walk in, I can't see them anywhere.

"And you actually knew where he was when we came to the cafe and asked if you'd seen him?" Despite the fact they were speaking calmly and were actually being very nice I still felt like I was being interrogated.

"Uh..." I didn't want to say yes because I knew they wouldn't be happy with me for lying to them earlier but I didn't want to lie to them now either.

I decided to just change the subject and looked around, trying to find something that would spark an idea so I could talk about something else.

That's when I noticed Gerard, he seemed to have finished his talk with Mikey and was now walking back, very quickly.

He paused at the fringe of the group for a moment, switching his gaze back and forth between his friends and me, after a moment his eyes finally settled with looking into mine.

"We're leaving." He told me then without saying anything else he grabbed me hand and started walking away at the exact moment I saw Mikey in the crowd.

"Gerard, why? What's going on?" I asked as he pulled me along but he didn't say anything and kept his mouth shut.

It only took me a moment to realise he was leading me to the church doors and I turned my head around to see the rest of the band standing there looking shocked.

"It was nice to meet you!" I called out to them before Gerard pulled me through the now open door and closed it behind me.

There was no car waiting out the front and Gerard made no mention of a taxi, he just walked down the road towards the town with me almost having to jog to keep up with his fast pace.

"Gerard what happened?" I tried asking him again, he slowed his walking before dropping my hand and coming to a standstill.

"It's nothing, it's just, ugh, Mikey doesn't appreciate how I've coped with what's happened and we had a little disagreement, that's all. Everything's fine but I don't want to go back in there. Let’s go into town and get a taxi." Gerard started walking again, this time slow enough for me to easily keep up and I was grateful for it.

"You said you'd come to the memorial with me if I talked to the guys. You held up your end of the bargain and I held up mine, only things from my end didn't turn out so well." I sighed angrily at his words, I wanted to go back to the church and demand that Mikey apologise but Gerard didn't need the stress of that right now.

"The band seemed to really miss you." I said, looking at the ground and kicking small stones.

"Yeah they did but I still regret going, I should have stayed at the apartment." He mumbled in response, putting is hands in his jean pockets.

The gravel road stopped, changing into tarmac and leading into the town of Belleville that was spread out in front of us.
Continuing to walk Gerard pulled his mobile out of his pocket and dialled a numbed before pressing the phone to his ear, calling a taxi.

He talked to the person on the other end for a moment, giving them an address to pick us up from before ending the call and putting his cell away.

"It'll be ten minutes until the cab arrives, do you wanna get some coffee?" I nodded and Gerard immediately started walking towards the nearest coffee shop.

I had a lot on my mind as we walked with two topics being front and centre, demanding attention.

1. I want to talk to Mikey and one way or another I'm going to. He and Gerard are brothers and no matter what problems arise they should be supportive of each other with no fighting.

2. Gerard had a new kind of energy radiating off him, he seemed sad and it made me worried. I don't know what he and Mikey said to each other but whatever it was he'd been changed by it.

We stopped at a coffee shop and Gerard asked me what I wanted before telling me to sit down and wait (which I was planning to do anyway) then heading inside.

It was nice seeing him smile today no matter how brief it was it'd made me happy or as happy as I could get when I was stressed out and worrying about him.

While waiting for him I picked at the chipped nail polish I'd had on for the past month then once that had been taken off I switched to playing with my hair, the little things that would drive my Mum nuts if I were to do it next to her back in Australia.

I missed Mum, I wanted to call her up and say help, help I've gotten myself in too deep and I need you to come and sort my life out.
As much as I wanted to do it I wouldn't though, she'd come and get me then it'd be bye bye art school, bye bye Dayna and goodbye Gerard which I wasn't ready to do just yet.

I know I didn't have a direct view into Gerard's mind but I got the feeling things would get worse for him if he had no one to talk to.
For example he wouldn't have even tried going to the memorial service and he wouldn't willingly go talk to his brother and his friends.

I wanted to stay around and help him until he got himself on the right path again, back to hanging out with the band, back to recording the album, back to smiling without needing to think about it first.

"Here." Gerard came out of the shop and pressed a cup of coffee into my hand before sitting down next to me.

We'd only been sitting for a minute before the cab Gerard called came to a halt by the curb, waiting for us to get in.

I didn't really want to get up since my legs hurt from all the walking I'd done today but I managed to make myself stand then with some pulling managed to Gerard out of his chair and over to the taxi.

Like earlier on today he opened the door for me except this time I got in before moving over as he slid into the car, closing the door and telling the driver where we were going at the same time.

Back to his apartment in New York.