Just look over your shoulder

Chapter 12
Gerard’s 18th birthday comes and goes and nothing changes, only the fact that on some unimportant paper he’d be an adult now, but it changes nothing between us. He treats me just the same as ever and I’m thankful for that. The days grow longer and spread into the hot days of late spring and then early summer and by the end of late summer, at the end August, when it’s crazy hot and humid every day, my foot is completely healed and the crutches long forgotten but carefully hidden in special spot in our dressing room.
On the morning of my 15th birthday in September, I’m 6 inches taller than Gerard, just like I always knew I would, and I tease him about it non-stop, but he doesn’t seem to mind. We barely fight anymore and if we do, we make up only a short time after and everything is okay again. Gerard’s hair grows longer and I forget to cut it, but neither of us minds.
When October turns into November and we come back from another few days in the cave after the yearly storm, I think back to a year ago when I was so utterly depressed when things between us got out of hand and I spent my days in the darkness of my old room. Then I smile to myself, because so much has changed in the last months, and only for the better.
The end of November marks our 7 years on this island and yet no ship came ever by, and we’re the happiest we’ve ever been.
-
A week after Christmas, we get a special visitor.
Behind the line of trees, that separates the beach from the deep rainforest, sits a little yellow creature with only three feet and a long tail and I know I would recognize him everywhere because he saved my life almost a year ago when I thought everything was lost and I was about to pass out.
It’s Peppermint.
Gerard is actually the one who finds him on his way to cut coconuts, in one of the many bushes, and calls me over, and I immediately know it’s him. He hasn’t changed much, he’s still as tiny and furry, has the same deep black button eyes and those fragile little fingers. He might have gained some weight, but probably he was just extra hungry. And, of course, I recognize him because one of his feet is missing.
“What’s he doing out here?” Gerard asks when I kneel in front of the bush he’s sitting in and carefully reach out to pat him.
“I don’t know, I haven’t seen him since that night, I almost thought I imagined him after all, but here he is..” I say bewildered, trying to keep my voice quiet and low so I won’t startle him.
I might haven’t seen him in the last 10 months, but I thought about him many times. Gerard once asked me to tell him about the little monkey who apparently saved my life, and so I told him the story of how I tried to get back to the beach after we fought so terribly and I was tired and weak from the lack of water, how I almost passed out and fell over and got my foot stuck in the root of a tree and how I thought that I wouldn’t ever see my brother again, that I might never get to apologize for running away and not understanding what he was going through the last months when he was so afraid because of everything Brian had told him. I told him that I was about to give up when suddenly Peppermint appeared and lead me to the plant that gave him his name and made me hang on for just a little while longer until I saw the light of Gerard’s lantern in the dark of the night.
Gerard listened closely when I told him all of this and said that Peppermint sounded like a squirrel monkey from the way I described him, judging by the books he read when he was a kid and said it was fate that we met. He said that he must have sensed that I couldn’t walk because of my broken foot and tried to show me that it was no obstacle to live with a broken foot because he himself had one missing, and yet acted like he had all four still. He said that I and Peppermint belonged together because of the handicap we both shared and that made me smile; I never even thought of it that way.
So seeing him now, alive and well and as chipper as ever and even well-fed, makes me unbelievably happy. I always wanted for Gerard to meet him, we even went back to that place a few times but the little yellow monkey was never around.
“He might have gotten lost,” Gerard says, matching my quiet tone and kneels down next to me and absently putting his hand on my bare shoulder, looking at the little foreign animal in front of him with wonder in his eyes.
I’m not sure what to do, I don’t want him to leave again but I also don’t think that he really wants to be here, this isn’t his territory after all, but there must be a reason for his visit.
“Hey you,” I say and grin widely when he slowly crawls on my outstretched arm after a moment of hesitation. “Did you come to visit me?”
Peppermint chirps at my words and jumps on my head and starts rummaging through my hair, just like he did that eventful night. That makes both me and Gerard laugh and giggle because really, what is he doing?!
“I think he’s delousing you!” Gerard says and my eyes almost pop out of my head, because what?
“I don’t have lice! I just had a bath and you’d be the first to know if I had parasites in my hair!” And okay, my voice might be a bit squeaky and high-pitched, but this is kind of embarrassing to me for some reason. Whatever.
To my surprise though, Gerard just laughs some more and reaches out to touch the tip of Peppermints tale that dangles in my face.
“No I know, but remember when I was a kid and I always read those books about nature and animals in foreign places? I think I read that monkeys delouse each other as a sign of uhm..friendship or trust or anything? I’m not really sure, but this is a good thing he’s doing, he likes you!”
Okay, that I can live with because I like him too and he’s definitely considered a friend after saving my life. And trust? If that’s true and he really does trust me, then I feel honored.
If I was him I’d probably be scared of me because come on, humans are weird looking, walking on two legs, with no fur and this strange language and all.
Maybe he did want to come back to see me, maybe his nose is super sensitive and tracked our footsteps back or something like that. The thought makes my heart swell and puts a huge smile on my face.
“Should we get him back to our place?” Gerard suggests and is already on his feet to help me get up with the monkey still on my head. He doesn’t even make a move to jump down on the way to our house, just sits there and strokes through my hair as if it was the most normal thing on earth.
-
“He looks just like you described him, only a little thicker,” Gerard says in fascination that evening, Peppermint lying fast asleep in a small box that we filled with a thin cloth so it’s a bit more comfortable.
He had stayed all day, only run off a few times to get food but he came back every time and eventually made himself at home in the very box he is curled up in right now. He must want to stay here because he had plenty of chances to run away, yet he decided to stay with us for some reason. Not that I’m complaining, quite the opposite actually. It’s nice to have him here, he made us laugh really hard a couple of times today with his silly behavior that neither of us is used to, he’s just so fun to watch. It can get boring here really fast but he took all of that away in a second.
“Yeah I mean,” I start and shift around a bit, making myself more comfortable on the ground next to his box, “It was pretty dark, maybe I just saw it wrong. He’s beautiful though, isn’t he..”
Gerard nods, the hand he has put his chin on moving in the process.
“There must be a reason why he’s here though, I mean this is kind of unnatural, don’t you think?”
“I guess so yeah..maybe he’s in pain? Oh God, I hope not!” I say, suddenly terrified and already reaching out to wake him and trying to make sure his small limbs are okay, but Gerard catches my wrist and pulls my hand in his lap, holding it there.
“Let him sleep Twee, maybe he just needs some good rest, he didn’t appear like he was in pain to me.”
I sigh and keep watching the little creature in front of us, making sure that he’s breathing steadily. I owe him that much, he looked out for me, too, after all. Gerard stays a while longer but eventually gets up before kissing my temple and goes to bed. He knows it would be a lost cause to ask me to join him right now, so he just lets me stay here on the ground with Peppermint.
Even though I tried so hard not to, I must have fallen asleep eventually because suddenly it’s morning and I’m tucked in under a blanket in Gerard’s and my bed. Gerard isn’t sleeping next to me like usual and when I make a quick move to jump out of bed, I see that the box is empty as well.
Panic is already rising in my chest and I’m just about to jump down the stairs when I make a stop at the big window and see Gerard lying giggling in the hammock with the biggest and happiest smile on his face and Peppermint on his chest, his tiny fingers wrung around Gerard’s pointer fingers. It looks like he’s trying to teach him how to dance and I have to put one of my hands over my mouth because I might as well cry on the spot.
He looks like a father right then, with a baby on his chest, so completely fascinated by another creature’s life and looking totally in love. It makes my heart ache that he’ll probably never have a child, thinking back to the brief conversation we had a while back in the cave last time, and it hurts to look, but it’s also the purest, most beautiful thing I’ve seen in my entire life. Maybe if Peppermint decides to stay with us, he can be some sort of child for us.
Then I’m reminded of what I told him in secret that first night we met, and I still hear my own words so clearly... “I think that’s how nature wanted us to be all along, you know? Together. Me and my brother, I mean.” Peppermint came back here, carrying this secret and now knowing who the person on the other of that secret with me really is. He stayed all day yesterday, even spent the night and is now as happy as ever, playing outside with my wonderful Gerard, and he accepts it. Of course, I know that the monkey has no idea about all of this, about the secret I whispered to him and the full meaning behind it, but I like to think that he does understand, came back and just accepted it.
Accepted us, together. Just because it can be that simple.
In the end, I decided to go back to bed and let the two bond or whatever it is they’re doing. Gerard’ll look out for him, I know he will.
I know Gerard has read all those books years back, but I bet my two hands that monkeys aren’t so...I don’t even know what to call it, open-minded? Trusting? I mean sure, if we would have raised him from the beginning, I guess he would let us touch him and all that, but this seems weird to me. He’s only known my brother for a day and yet he trusts him enough to be so close to him. I really hope he’s not sick or dying and tries to look for some comfort before he has to go, but I try not to think about that and just accept that he’s here now and wants to be with us, for whatever reason.
-
About a week or so later, I’m really convinced that he’s sick.
The days he has been here so far, he acted ‘normal’ I would say, ran off for food a lot, slept a lot, jumped from tree to tree and stayed close to us wherever we went. And while I know that this isn’t quite normal, I still say it because two days ago he suddenly started to get jittery, never stayed in one place for long, and just looked sick all over. I could even live with all of that, but when I woke up this morning and went to check on him, I found that his box was empty and was surprised to see him sleep on the pillow next to me and when I took a closer look, I saw that he must have ripped some of his fur out because the entire ground of the box and cloth were covered with it along with bits of grass and dead leaves he must have put in there.
Gerard suggested that he might have a bad stomach ache because he’s gotten even bigger over the week he’s been here now, but his eating habits didn’t change and since there isn’t anything we could do even if he was in pain, we let it go and just hoped he would feel better soon.
He’s gotten so clingy and it shatters my heart that he’s probably trying to tell us something and we don’t understand it and therefore can’t help him. He must be so alone, Gerard told me that he read that monkeys usually live in groups, and Peppermint was a loner from the beginning, or so it seemed at least since he was alone back in the forest when I first met him, and he came here alone, too. The entire situation breaks my heart, we’ve gotten so used to him being here with us and in a way, he really is like a replacement for a child. I don’t want him to go or worse, to die.
The situation stays like that for a couple more days, the weather gets worse and it rains a lot, and then something really, really unexpected happens.
It turns out that my little boy Peppermint is actually a she because when I wake up one morning, rain still falling heavy on the roof, I’m shocked to find Peppermint with two tiny, tiny babies under his warm and now thin, body. Actually, I think my heart stops beating for a second or two.
I’m so stunned that I didn’t notice Gerard coming up behind me, and when I’m finally able to turn my head from the sight in front of me, I see that Gerard has teary eyes, much like my own.
“Did you know?” I ask him with a jittery voice.
“I had no idea..it seems so obvious now..” he answers gently and pulls me down to sit with him.
“So that’s why he acted so weird lately.”
“I think you should say that’s why she acted so weird lately,” Gerard says with a tiny snicker, and I take a moment to think about that.
All of the time I’ve known Peppermint, I always just assumed he was a boy. I don’t even know why, it just fit from the moment I saw him and weirdly enough, seeing him now with two babies clinging to his fur, which is the ultimate proof that he’s a girl, he’s still a boy to me.
In the end, I shake my head slightly and say, more to Peppermint than to Gerard, “No, he’s still a boy to me,” and both Gerard and Peppermint accept it.
When I take a closer look, after wiping the tears out of my eyes, I see just how incredibly tired and wrung out he looks, which is understandable after giving birth twice last night, but he doesn’t look happy, somehow. I can’t really name it, but seeing him down there, he appears unhappy, almost sad.
I remember that Gerard told me that monkeys always live in large groups, yet Peppermint kept to himself. Maybe getting pregnant was more of an accident? I don’t know, but he doesn’t look happy right now. But who knows, maybe he just needs time to get used to the new situation.
“That’s so unusual,” Gerard says suddenly, startling me almost.
“What is?”
“Two babies. I’m almost positive about the fact that monkeys, especially the really small ones, usually only carry one baby because of their small bodies, yet he gave birth to two.”
I let that sink in and I’m yet again astounded by him. First, he saved my life, then the missing foot, and now this. Peppermint truly is a hero.
“We should let them sleep,” Gerard says gently after another few minutes of us just watching and appreciating the sight in front of us with fascination and love in our eyes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my brother so moved and rapturous by anything and my heart grows three sizes inside my chest.
After we got dressed as quiet as we could and went outside, Gerard turns to me and says, “He didn’t look like a happy dad to me.”
“I know,” I say back, without hesitation but a hint of sadness hidden in my voice. So he felt it too, then.
-
During the day, we tried to figure out what to do with the new situation but in the end, decided to let nature do its thing.
Peppermint is smart, he’ll know what to do. But that’s not the only thing, it’s also that I and Gerard don’t know how to act around the new family inside our house. The first week or so we let them alone most of the time, only came in to check on them and make sure they were all alright.
The second week, I dared to carefully stroke one of the baby’s heads with my fingertip and to my sheer and utter surprise, Peppermint let me. He didn’t even seem nervous or angry like you’d think he would. He just looked up at me through his beautiful big eyes and I smiled down at him to somehow show him that he can trust me, and he seemed to understand.
A few days later, I took one of the babies out and held it carefully in my hands while Gerard sat beside me with his palm on the small of my back and a gorgeous smile on his face. And yet again, Peppermint fully trusted me with this.
“Autumn.”
“Huh?” Gerard says and turns his head to watch me hold the baby close to my face to inspect its tiny button face.
“I want to call him or her Autumn, because the weather,” I start and nod my head upwards in the direction of the roof, “was always like this in Jersey, not only just in Fall and I like to remember that. It hasn’t really stopped raining since they were born so I thought this would fit, and since we don’t know yet if they’re boys or girls, I thought Autumn would fit for both..does that make any sense?”
“It does,” Gerard whispers lovingly and kisses my ear before carefully stroking over Autumns extremely tiny fingers that are clutching the pad of my thumb, grinning when the little bundle chirps and says, “Hi Autumn, you know you have a bit of milk on your mouth, here..let me-“ and then he gently wipes the small pearls of milk off of their mouth with such tenderness and attentiveness that something inside of me shatters, but in a good way and in the beat of second, I break a promise I made myself so long ago, maybe because I can’t handle all those great big emotions lately, and say with a shaking yet strong voice,
“I love you, Gee, I’m so in love with you,” and Gerard turns to look me in the eyes, finger with milk still in the air between us and huge eyes of love and adoration.
“I know Mikey, I know I know I know,” he whispers over and over again and buries his nose in my hair, right under my ear where he kissed me earlier.
“You know I feel the same,” he whispers once again and I nod, leaning my head against his and carefully press Autumn against my chest where it’s hopefully warm and a little cozier. He or she immediately snuggle in closer and right at this moment, with Gerard here, Peppermint and his babies, my heart feels full and everything is perfect and peaceful.
-
It turned out that Autumn is a girl as well as her sister and Gerard named her Ermintrude, after Mrs. Pines, who served as our nanny and kept an eye on us while we were on board. We loved her dearly and Gerard wanted to keep her memory upright by naming our sweet baby girl after her.
It’s been 9 weeks since the girls were born and they start to get independent and don’t cling to Peppermint 24/7. They don’t need as much milk as before and they even tried their own first and careful swings in one of the lower trees behind the house. Most of the time though, they want to cuddle and explore their new and interesting environment with us and their dad.
Peppermint fully trusts us with the babies, lets us carry them, watches vigilantly when we feed them tiny bugs or leaves or flowers and even allows for Robin to play with them.
Peppermint has become very close to me and he’s become a big part of my life, yet I can tell that he’s still unhappy. As much as I hoped it would change after the birth, it didn’t. He takes more and more distance from the babies and sometimes sits for hours alone in the trees, far away from us.
Gerard told me that baby monkeys stay at least six months with their mother until they become fully independent and that’s still such a long time, but I feel as if he wants to have his free and independent life back. Not that he doesn’t love his kids, he cares for them, provides formula and teaches them things, but he was put in this role and never really wanted it, it seems.
So yeah..in the end, it shouldn’t take me by surprise and hurt the way it does, but when Gerard gently strokes my hair back one early morning and whispers that he’s gone, a big part of my heart breaks.
But I know it’s for the best. This was never what he wanted, it wasn’t what gave him purpose and he wanted his freedom back and I had to accept that, no matter how much it hurt.
When Gerard tucks the blanket around me again and gets up to check on the babies who started to wake up as well now that there was movement in the house, I squeeze my eyes shut to try to keep from crying and listen to his soft and gentle whispers and mumbles when he greets them and it hurts, yes, but deep inside I’m also happy because while Peppermint might be gone, part of him will always be around us with his babies.
Gerard carefully lifts the two up along with their own blanket still wrapped around them and brings them to our bed where he lies down next to me and places the little bundle between us where it’s warm and cuddly.
He lies on his side, matching my position, and reaches over to me to stroke over my eyebrow and when I open my eyes, I find him smiling, all pure and happy.
“Don’t be sad Mikes, you just became a Papa after all,” Gerard whispers and when I reach out, wanting to tuck a strand behind his ear, Autumn catches my pinkie and pulls it towards her and when I look down at those tiny, beautiful creatures in our bed, Autumn already falling back asleep and Ermintrude sucking softly on her thumb like she always does when she sleeps, I suddenly get it.
This was Peppermints plan all along. It must have been because it makes so much sense now.
It started when I first met him and he took interest in me for some reason, he trusted me that night and I trusted him. He must have kept that memory and when he sensed that he was about to have a baby, or babies, for that matter, but also knew that he didn’t want them, he came back, tested the life on the foreign beach and learnt that Gerard, me and Robin already were a loving little family and would accept new members into it.
Peppermint will always be part of our family, but I know that much like Robin, he won’t come back. He did his part, contributed to fed the girls with the much-needed formula, raised them for the last ten weeks and taught them what they needed to know until time had come and he had to go, almost like it was with Brian and me and Gerard, as little, unknowing kids back then.
He trusted and loved us so much that he entrusted us his offspring, and with that, giving me and Gerard the chance to become parents of our own in the most beautiful way life could offer.
It broke us that we could never have children of our own, a little version of ourselves with Gerard’s eyes and my hair, but this is almost better, in some ways. This is nature, this is life, new and tiny life put in our hands and we will do our best to be amazing parents to these little girls.
Of course, they’ll miss the one who birthed them and was so much more like them then we could ever be, but they also trusted and accepted us from the beginning. They started copying some simple parts of our human behavior even when they were just a couple of weeks old and improved their skills ever since then. They had no problem clutching to our hair when Peppermint wasn’t around and they let us feed them with bugs and flowers Peppermint brought back, so it’s not like that much is going to change for them.
-
It’s so fascinating how much baby monkeys and human babies are alike. Right from the habit of sucking on their thumbs to the crying when they’re left alone for a moment too long, their voices yet weak and uncontrolled but getting stronger and more defined every day.
I even sewed them tiny diapers a while back, even when Peppermint was still around because they seem to poop everywhere in the house and there’s nothing funny about cleaning that! They want to eat every few hours and need so much cuddle units that sometimes, we fall asleep right with them.
I mean, I’ve never been around human babies for long and neither has Gerard, but our aunt had a new-born not too long before we went on the journey with our father, so we do know a little bit about the way they behave, I guess.
It’s intriguing to watch as their fur slowly grows a bit longer and starts to get fuzzy and changes color here and there. They still don’t have teeth yet, which is why Gerard and I have to make extra sure that the small bits of flowers or leaves or even bugs are as pulpy as possible, which is sometimes a little, well, unpleasant I’d call it, but there’s far worse.
I love how the fur behind their ears curls into kind of long-ish strands, at least compared to their otherwise rather short fur. I love their tiny button eyes and their little noses. Their faces look still so smashed together and almost even human-like, even after eleven weeks of being on this world. Gerard once called them Pacifaces because he said that they’re so extremely small and adorable and remind him of a human babies’ pacifier, and while I wasn’t so sure if I got that, I totally agreed and even started calling them Paciface as well.
When I thought Peppermint was tiny, I was completely wrong because these little creatures are the definition of teeny tiny! Their fingers and fingernails are so small and fragile looking that it amazes me how much strength they have in them already. Their tales are already so bendy and long and look almost funny on them.
Ermintrude is a little bigger than her sister, yet they both still fit easily in our hands and sometimes you have to be almost scared that you won’t accidentally smash them, especially when we fall asleep with them in our bed, yet that never happens, so I guess we kind of developed something like a mother instinct, we even wake up in time with them when it’s feeding time.
The morning after Peppermint left and we were left alone with his offspring a week ago, Gerard immediately went to build them a brand new bed and painted a little A and E on it and they mostly sleep in there when they get tired from playing during the day, but they always sleep in our bed at night when it’s dark and they become extra needy for cuddles.
Gerard called them our daughters last night before we all went to bed, and something inside of me clicked; The fact that we biologically can’t have blood-related children is shattering because as I said earlier, it’s crashing that I’ll never see Gerard’s eyes on a little version of me, but I guess that’d be taking it a step too far. Our relationship, I mean. Even I know that siblings aren’t meant to have children together, something about that just seems a little wrong, even to me. But then here’s the thing, Autumn and Ermintrude are probably what comes closest to human babies, at least on this island, and they were brought to us and we loved them from the second they were born. I saw it in Gerard’s eyes that morning when he tried to hold back tears, just like me.
Peppermint gave them free to adoption, in a way, and we immediately took that responsibility upon us. So yes, they might be an entirely different species, they’re animals and usually don’t belong with humans, but we, Gerard and I, we don’t belong here either when you think about it. The entire situation of us being here, being together the way we are is so twisted already, no one but us would understand it. This is their territory and not ours, yet this wild island in the middle of the ocean has become our beloved home. We are free here, there are no rules.
We can call ourselves lucky to have that much freedom while others don’t. And when you put all these facts together, we have the damn right to call them our daughters and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
-
“I love watching you two,” Gerard says lovingly later that evening, and I look up at him questioningly and a little startled, having fallen almost asleep with Autumn on my chest tucked under the blanket around me.
“You look so peaceful and happy when you’re with her.”
“Well,” I start and gently stroke over her tiny fuzzy head, “I am happy. Doesn’t she make you happy?” I ask and nod my head over to where Ermintrude is curled around Gerard’s upper arm and grin when she makes one of her adorable baby squeaks.
Somehow, Ermintrude has become Gerard’s and Autumn has become mine. I don’t even know why, but from the moment I first took her out of the box all these weeks ago, she was just so special to me and the same happened with Gerard and his little lady. Of course, we don’t treat them any differently! It’s not like we ever separate them during the day or love them more than the other, not at all. It’s just that I have a closer relation to my little baby Autumn here.
And it’s also kind of funny because her fur is much lighter than Ermintrudes, which fits perfectly with Gerard’s dark hair.
“She’s my baby, of course, she makes me happy,” Gerard answers my question from before and holds her close to her face and presses a kiss to her head. He does that a lot, kissing her and Autumn, and it takes my breath away every time. He’s so loving and gentle with them, it’s beautiful to watch.
“You know E,” Gerard says, calling her by her nickname and holding her up, looking at her with a funny expression on his face, “I haven’t had a minute alone with your daddy since you were born. And as much as I love kissing you, I also want to kiss him a whole lot. How do you defend yourself?”
When he’s done with his speech, spoken in that funny and adorable baby voice he has developed, his eyes flicker down to me and he raises his eyebrows, grinning brightly and huffing a tiny giggle.
That in return makes me giggle too and I look down at Autumn, who’s twitching in her sleep and say in a joking and mocking voice, “Yeah little lady, you should defend yourself too! Your daddy wants to kiss me but there’s just no time anymore, what do you say to that?”
She’s totally unperturbed by my words, I mean of course she is, but it’s funny to play along. And it’s also so very, very true! I barely manage to keep the household upright, the dirty laundry piles up, there are barely any clean dishes on the shelves and I can’t remember the last time I swept the floor. And besides all of that, I seriously barely had Gerard all to myself because the babies take all of our attention and I get that, I really do, but Gerard’s right, we haven’t had a chance to do anything that goes further than a few pecks and too rushed hand-jobs a few weeks ago, but that was when Peppermint was still around and helped us out.
Gerard sighs dramatically and says, “I guess that’s what parenting is like huh, no sex until they move out..”
“Aw come on Gee, it’ll get easier. They’re just babies now, what’d you expect? Besides, maybe waiting will make it even better in the end?” I suggest and okay yeah, that was dumb of me, because it’s always good. I don’t see how it could possibly get any better and judging by the way Gerard pulls a face and grunts, he must feel the same.
“I just like sucking you off is all,” Gerard says and pouts and I actually have to stifle a laugh.
“Oh I know, trust me I do!” Because seriously, he loves it for some weird reason. Ever since he tried it the first time he’s gotten more and more into it and better at the job each time if that’s even possible. And I don’t have to say it out loud, but he knows I love it too. How could I not? Gerard’s an expert at it.
“Hey, come on,” I say roll my eyes in a playful way when he ignores my latest statement and just watches as Ermintrude rolls on her back and plays with her tail in Gerard’s lap.
“Gee, come on,” I say again and shake my head amused at his immaturity and apparent sexual frustration. It’s adorable.
He finally looks down at me again and I take the chance to carefully curl my hand around his neck to pull him down for a kiss without squishing Autumn. He seems startled at first but leans down willingly and when I dip my tongue into his mouth, he sighs and returns the favor. Surprisingly, he’s the first one to pull away and when he does, he props himself up on one elbow, holds E in his lap with his free hand and brushes my bangs out of my eyes with the other one.
“This is the best happiness for me, nothing could ever change that,” he says quietly and when I tilt my head to the side in question, he adds, “Seeing you like this. I don’t know how I got so lucky.” Then he lets go of Ermintrude and strokes over Autumns small head and smiles sweetly down at her before maneuvering us all four into a comfortable position with Gerard’s arm flung around my shoulders and my head in the crook of his neck and the babies in our midst. It’s amazing how good they smell, you’d think that wild animals smell like dirt, grime and probably urine or something equally gross like that, but no. Their feathery yellow fur smells just like Gerard, soft and like dry sand and salt water and sun.
“You got so lucky because you chose to be it,” I mumble quietly and with closed eyes when he’s almost asleep, but I had to get the words out there. And it’s true, too. He could have easily decided not to accept me as his lover and stayed brotherly with me, could have just listened to Brian and never tell me about all the gruesome words he plastered into his head all these years ago. He could have stayed on the beach after he slapped me in the face and didn’t come looking for me after like he did. He could have decided to not keep the babies, not act as a parent to them and bring them back into the forest where they ‘belonged’. Yet he did all of this. Not because anyone forced him, but because he himself chose that he wanted all of that, every second and every single day, for hopefully the rest of his life.
When I open my eyes to see if he heard what I said, I find him already looking at me, lying on his side and matching my position, and with a pretty and content smile and his face and sleepy eyes glimmering in the flicker of the lantern on the far end of our room.
“Wiser as the years go by, Mikey Way,” he says eventually and nuzzles in closer, tucks his nose in the birds’ nest of my hair and sighs happily.
We both got so lucky.

Notes