Just look over your shoulder

Chapter 11
“Do you mind if I ask you something?” I say the next morning, shortly after we’ve woken up.
“'Course,” Gerard says tiredly and stretches his arms gracefully over his head where he’s lying next to me. How beautiful to watch.
“What's it feel like to sleep with a minor?”
Just as the last word leaves my mouth, Gerard stirs and looks up at me with huge eyes. There might be something like anxiety in his gaze but I can tell that there's also a tiny smirk hidden somewhere.
“Well,” he starts and shakes himself a little. Then he closes his eyes and sighs. “First of all, I could ask you the same question.”
He squints one eye open to look at me and smirks for real this time. “Because if I remember correctly,” he continues and pulls me in close so I'm hovering over him, “I'm just as much a minor as you are, young man!”
I grin down at him and scoot around a little so I can put one of my legs between his and prop myself up on both elbows next to his head. “Yeah but not for much longer, your Birthday is right around the corner and then you're 18 while I'm still 14 for a little while longer.”
“Does that bother you?” he asks and does indeed look a bit concerned.
Of course, it doesn't bother me, not in the slightest, but it's fun to tease him and I'm curious as to what he has to say about this. I bet he sees the things just like me. We're pretty much alike like that.
“Just answer the question,” I say and give him testing eyes in a playful way.
He rolls his eyes over-dramatically but purses his lips, thinking.
“You wanna know what it feels like to sleep with a minor..well to answer that correctly I have to step in and tell you that we didn't sleep together yet,” he starts and shushes me with a sweet smile on his lips when I want to jump in to argue about that.
“My turn, you wanted to know my thoughts on that so let me finish, Twerp. Where was I..right? We didn't sleep together yet but everything else we did is definitely in the area of sex so I see where you're coming from. To be honest, I don't see you as a minor. I mean sure, on the papers you are one but Mikes, you're the most mature person I know. If I had to guess your age by just looking at you or from what you say sometimes or how you see things, I'd never think of you as a fourteen-year-old. Do you really think most boys your age act and behave the way you do?”
“I don't know,” I say honestly and try to remember how boys that age acted but I come up with nothing. I don't think I ever paid special attention to anyone who wasn't my age back then, with the exception of Gerard and Ray of course. But even they weren't 14 and older then so no, I really don't have an answer to that.
“Trust me, you're pretty special in that regard,” he says and gently strokes over my hips with his thumbs. “Guess you were always a little ahead of your age but especially these last few years. You grew up faster than me.”
“I did not,” I mumble and duck my head, maybe a little sheepishly.
“You did too. And also, do you really think that if things were different and we'd still live at home that I'd crush on a random 13-year-old?” he asks and raises his eyebrows when I slowly lift my head to look at him. Oh right, he said once that he became interested in me when I grew up a little which, according to him, was when I was 13.
“Why not? I mean you don't choose who you fall in love with. You could have fallen in love with Frank and he was even younger than me. The important thing here is that you gotta be sure that you're not taking advantage of the younger person.”
When I say that, Gerard turns his head to the side a bit and asks me to explain that a little further.
“Well, I mean..okay look. Let's just pretend you're not 17 but 35, okay? And I'm...I don't know, 17 or 18. The same situation as now, we both like each other and are in a relationship, not just as brothers. Would there be anything wrong with that? To others maybe, yes. But then again, that's because they probably wouldn't understand. Just like with the sibling thing. It's out of the ordinary, that's because they'd be against it. We would have to make them understand, or anyone in that situation, for that matter. Of course, I'm not saying that it's exactly 'normal' for older adults to feel this kind of love towards someone who's way younger, but I mean..the world is full of exceptions, right? And if there's a reasonable explanation on both sides, then I don't see a problem here.”
“You know, I was supposed to answer that,” Gerard says with another one of his smirks when I'm done with my speech and ruffles my hair. “You're right though, just like you always are.
That's exactly what I meant when I said you're ahead of others your age. You think like a grown person with lots of knowledge and life experience and I admire that.”
I'm not quite sure how to respond to that, so instead of saying something, I give him a smile that I hope looks earnest and touched by his nice words, and lean down to cuddle up against his chest.
He seems to understand that I want to say thank you for what he said that way because I hear him huff a tiny laugh before he winds his arms around my middle and buries his nose in my hair.
“You wonderful boy, Mikey Way,” Gerard says quietly against my hair and my heart starts to swell and I grin against his chest.
“You wonderful man, Gerard Way.” He giggles when I say that and starts to stroke over my back soothingly.
I knew that we would be on the same page about this. Not that I gave him really a chance to speak up because of course, I couldn't keep my mouth shut for one second, but whatever. It also touches me that he thinks of me that way. I always knew that he liked my opinion on certain things, such as what we just talked about for example, but that he admires it and thinks it's something special? That's definitely something I didn't know. I don't think he just said it to be nice, either. He usually truly means his words, especially in situations like this when it means so much.
But thinking about it now kind of opens my eyes in a way: Maybe I really am ahead of others that are my age. Of course, I can never be sure because I was so young back then and didn't pay attention to certain topics, but maybe I am premature when it comes to things like sex and liking someone the way I like Gerard. I'm also pretty tall already, I definitely started puberty early, at least in some ways, whereas Gerard kind of just skipped a few steps. And yeah, maybe I do think differently. I know that I was always open-minded, but a child thinks different than a teenager and I like the idea of me being smart when it comes to topics like the one we just had.
I wonder if people would understand that if they saw me. Like, would our parents support my actions and decisions? Would others at school accept it when I told them how I see the world? Would they accept that I am sexually active at the age of fourteen?
And I'm counting Gerard as my partner out here, as much as I dislike the idea of it, but I have that strong feeling in my stomach that no one would ever understand what we have. Not even our parents. Actually, they'd probably the first ones to tell us that what we feel and do is wrong. But I would always defend myself because I know, just know so surely, that I'm right with the way I think and with what I do. I wouldn't do anything if I wasn't completely sure that what I was doing is the right thing.
In the end, I come to the decision that I'm a little proud of myself, and that is a rare thing for me to say about myself so it really has to mean something.
Gerard's stroking on my back could easily bring me back to sleep for at least another hour, but then I remember another thing that I'm curious about since yesterday evening.
“Gee?” I whisper and carefully tap my fingertip on his chest next to where my nose is located.
“Mhh?” he mutters back like he's on the verge of falling back to sleep himself.
“What you did yesterday, y'know..with your mouth. Why'd you do it?”
His only response at first is that he nuzzles his nose inside my hair some more and huffs a soft and nervous sounding laugh before saying, equally quiet and nervous, “'Cause I wanted to try it.”
“Have you thought about it for a while now?”
“I...yeah. A long while.”
Now his voice is even more softly and I have to wonder if there's more to it, but I'm not going to ask, he'll tell me himself if there's more when he's ready. Maybe that’s why he’s been chewing on his nails so much lately? Because he was too nervous to ask but excited about the idea of me saying yes?
Then my body goes stock still and I hold my breath when I ask, “Was it like you imagined it? I mean, was it good?” Thank God he can't see my face from this angle because I'm pretty damn sure my face is every shade of red right now.
The reaction to that is a mixture of snort and nervous, high-pitched giggle and a chocked out, “Ohh yes!” and his entire body squeezing around me even more than before.
His response kind of surprises me, but on the other hand, it really, absolutely doesn't. Gerard is a weirdo sometimes and I wish it was easy to believe his words but the thought of what he did yesterday, I mean the very act of him sucking me off and apparently truly enjoying it? These two things just don't really work together when I think about it.
“What was it like?” I want to know then and bury my face deeper against his chest because I'm not so sure myself if I want to know the answer. And why am I suddenly so shy again? I thought I worked on that quite nicely over the last few months, but I was wrong it seems.
I blame it on Gerard. He has that effect on people.
“You taste really good if that's what you want to know,” he says in a happy voice, totally unperturbed and pleased with himself.
“Oh my God, you're the worst!” I say and slap my left hand over my eyes in embarrassment.
He just giggles some more and kisses me on the hair. “It's true though, don't be embarrassed about it.”
“How did you even know that this is a thing,” I mumble against my hand that is still slapped over my face.
“Just...intuition I guess? Dunno.”
Okay, I can accept that. And if he liked it and didn't make him feel uncomfortable, then that's even better because I sure enjoyed myself a lot. Just thinking about it would be enough to get me going right on the spot, to be honest.
“Did you like it?” he asks after a moment as if he was reading my thoughts, sounding a little shy and insecure himself now.
Now it's my turn to huff out a tiny laugh along with a nod against his chest. “It was incredible, actually.”
I can practically hear the huge and pleased smile on his face when he says, “'M glad then.”
We're in comfortable silence for a while after that, just enjoying the silence and company of each other when another thought crosses my mind.
“You looked like a doll yesterday,” I say quietly, now lying next to him with my arm flung across his belly and nose and forehead pressed against the bone of his shoulder. This close I could count the many tiny freckles on his shoulder..maybe I'll do that someday. Then I decide to kiss the skin there, just because I feel like it and because I can do that now, kiss him at (almost) any given time and in random places.
I don't have to look up to see the last faint remains of the dark color around his eyes and even fainter red on his lips, the soft powder high on his cheekbones. It was all pretty smudged after we went to bed yesterday, or well, fell asleep on top of each other after last night’s events. It looked good even then, the smeared color around his eyes kind of gave it character and made him look mysterious and secure at the same time.
“Is that a good thing?” Gerard asks after considering my words for a minute.
“Yes, that is a very good thing! But I like how you look no matter what, you know that right?” At that, he takes my hand that rests on his belly, lifts it up and gently kisses my knuckles.
“I do know that yeah, I always feel good around you,” he says with his lips still pressed against my skin. After a moment he adds something that makes me incredibly happy because that's exactly what I wanted to hear. I want to be the one who makes him feel like that; “I'm never ashamed of anything when I'm around you you know, you make me feel pretty.”
“Hmm..you really are pretty,” I agree dreamy, not caring that I sound like a school girl in love, and dig my nose deeper against his shoulder.
-
After we spent another half an hour in bed and talked about random things, we decided that we should maybe get up and get some work done.
So after our usual 'bathroom' routine, Gerard started to saw new wood for a broken part on the facade of the house and I dug out my sewing-kit because a few of our clothes need to be patched.
Gerard washed up the leftovers of the make-up and dressed in his normal clothes and while I tried to search for something like disappointment or regrettable for not seeing him like yesterday again, I only found honor and worship. Gerard is his own person and he can do whatever he wants as longs as he feels comfortable doing it, and now that I know that he feels good around me in whichever attire, I'll just go with the motions and wait for the next time he decides to change his looks.
While I'm sitting here in the shadow of a palm tree with my yellow dress in my lap and a needle in my hand to patch together an open seam on the armpit of the fabric, I let my mind wander back to something that I thought about this morning in bed.
The very thought of me being premature.
Over the last few years, when I started to notice changes on first Gerard's body and then a little later on mine, I always wondered why these changes had happened. Of course, I know that part now, but back then I didn't and I often caught myself comparing our bodies to each other.
Back then it was just little things like how his voice slowly started to croak and then just stayed that way until today, while mine was still child-like and clear. Or little details like the hair on his legs that suddenly looked a deep shade of black and a tiny bit curly, not like the almost non-existent and light blond baby hairs on my own legs.
I remember how confused and almost shocked I was when I first took note of the hair that started to grow under his arms and then between his legs. I also remember that I found myself not liking the sudden change on him at first because it was just so strange to me to talk to my brother and hearing him answer with another voice, or see him scratch absently under his arms where the strange and new hair scratched him when he wasn’t yet used to them suddenly being there.
I was only ‘used’ to the Gerard he was until then, the Child-Gerard, and waking up almost every morning and notice something new or different on him was just strange and confusing to me. Of course, I never felt revolted or repelled by any of this, I was always drawn to him. It scared me, more like. Maybe it would have been different if I had known that the very thing would happen to me sooner than later and that it was purely natural.
I was always so astounded about the simple fact that he was so totally calm about all of this. I would have thought that he was the one who’d be startled and scared because everything was changing, but he just took it and lived with it, all confident. Now I know that he knew that it was just puberty wriggling through and that he was prepared and all, but still. I was never so calm about any of this.
And yes, while it kind of scared and confused me, I also found myself more and more drawn to it as the time passed. And I say ‘as the time passed’ because I only took further notice of certain things when I myself started to grow up and feel changes on my own body.
Suddenly, one morning I caught myself staring at him while he changed and pulled faces in front of the mirror, stroking softly over his cheeks and chin with the palm of his hand. Thinking back now, he was probably looking for facial hair, and when he found none, wondering when he’d finally grow some and being excited about it ever since Brian had told him about it.
I remember the first time the air got caught in my throat when he stole one of my smaller loincloths and the muscles on his lower belly stood out more than ever and I just wanted to touch them, find out how they would feel under the warm skin that was almost constantly sprinkled with grains of sand.
I don’t know exactly when, but at one point it became part of my daily routine to just watch him. Watch him swim with such grace and concentration, watch him carry heavy things and pay special attention to his strong yet not very muscly thighs, listen to him talk with that new voice and being so completely comfortable with it as if nothing had ever changed. And it wouldn’t matter what time of the day I was paying such strong attention to him.
Sometimes it would be early in the morning and I’d secretly watch him stretch and get up from under the blanket, yawning and absently scratching at his crotch hair. Sometimes it would be at the light hours of the day and the sun would catch his hair just right and make it look even softer and darker. Even at night, when it was so dark it was impossible to see when there weren’t any lanterns on, he’d still be so beautiful and mysterious to me, simply because he was.
On some days, I felt extremely self-conscious being around him, simply because I felt like I had nothing to offer against him and all that he was. At one point he had grown into this strong, tall man with dark body hair and firm hands while I was still just a kid. I was almost jealous and frustrated when the months passed and I was still just the same. My hands weren’t weak, but they were thin and never as strong as Gerard’s. My muscles only started to show much later when I finally grew some body hair myself and my voice started to break. How many times did I look down at my body and cursed at my strange wobbly knees that were always turned at an angle and my feet that were always turned inwards and made me look all weird and shy. There were a few months in my still so short life where I hated to look in the mirror because I couldn’t stand the way my face looked. I had a short phase, years and years back when I still had a bit of baby chub going on and my face looked all round and strange and I hated it. It started to thin out rather quickly after that and my sharp cheekbones made themselves prominent and I started to like it because that was almost the only thing that looked manlier than the things Gerard had to offer up until that very point.
Gerard’s facial featured are still so soft and make him look almost fragile and girly, while I like to think of mine as strong and masculine. I have a trail of coarse curls down my belly and even discovered the tiniest of hair around my nipples a few days ago while Gerard has none of those. We both have pit hair but I guess women have those too. Everything else on me though, starting with my feathery hair and small shoulders to my tiny waist and long legs makes me kind of girly looking. I guess the choice of clothes I’m wearing isn’t doing me any favors in that regard, but I put that on myself and that’s the only thing I was never self-conscious about. Boys and girls can wear whatever they want and that has always been final in my mind.
Gerard is tall, but I know I’ll be taller than him not long from now which is yet again weird to me because all of my life, he was always the taller one and it worked well with the reference of ‘big brother’. He also carries himself so differently than me. He knows how to move his body, knows how to work with it in every situation that comes up. He’s bendy and always looks graceful, even when he cuts of bananas and should look funny, but he never does, not really. I sometimes feel like my body was randomly given to me and I never figured out how to live with it. I’m so clumsy and awkward, my shoulders are always hunched over and my spine is crooked and I’m not bendy at all. I’m almost glad I don’t have to go to prom anymore because I’d embarrass myself when I’d have to dance. I mean, okay. Maybe it’s not that bad, I can swing my hips a little and all that, but have you seen Gerard?! That boy has hips like a Goddess and everyone compared to him just has to stink against him. I’ve never actually seen him dance, but I bet he’s great at it.
I like Gerard’s hips because they’re soft and kind of curvy and I guess also girly looking and I kind of want to bite them. They’re nice to grab and probably the only part of his body where you can find a tiny bit of chub.
But yeah, back to the thought of me being premature.
It may have taken a while, or at least it felt that way because looking back it really didn’t take that long at all, but puberty started fairly early for me and now that I made my peace with it, I like how everything turned out. I guess I find myself pretty now, or at least good-ish looking. I now like my weird knees and too long fingers, I actually love my hair because I can do so much with it now and I definitely like my new voice, except when it embarrasses me to no end, of course. Gerard likes all of these things too, apparently, and that’s enough for me.
Gerard is by definition perfect in my eyes and if such a perfect person decides to fall for me on so many levels, then everything else stays unconcerned.
-
Late in the evening, when our chores are long done for today and dinner was served and we called it a night and went to bed, I found myself confused over something Gerard had said this morning and even though I thought about it during the day and tried to find the answer myself, I came up with nothing. So that’s where I am right now, head lazily resting on Gerard’s upper arm with my arm flung across his heaving chest that’s covered in thin sweat after another make-out session not too long ago.
“Gee uhm, you said we didn’t sleep together yet..what does that mean, exactly..?”
He doesn’t answer for a long while and when he does, I’m surprised by his words.
“I actually don’t know what that means.” I’m surprised because he always seems to know the answer to everything, especially in that regard. When he says it, he turns his head in my direction and smiles kind of apologetic and there’s a little flush on his cheeks.
“You don’t?”
“No, I mean,” he starts and sighs and turns his head back to stare at the ceiling in the faint light of the lantern. “I mean I do know what that means, theoretically. I mean..real sex, I mean I know how it works and how you do it and all, at least I think I do, but..”
I just stare at him and try to make sense of the mess of his rambling but it’s pretty confusing and I’m not sure if I’m getting what he’s trying to say, but I wouldn’t dare to interrupt him, this is probably hard for him and I respect that, so I’m staying quiet and let him continue.
“I try to imagine it sometimes, sex with you. And me, well..obviously but you’re still so young and still just a kid even if I said you weren’t, in some regard, but this is so much bigger you know? But anyway, that’s not what I’m trying to say, I try to imagine it sometimes but I kind of get stuck whenever I do because well...I uhm, I wouldn’t know where to..urgh, please Mikes, don’t make me say it,” he says with a remorseful voice, sounding more and more frustrated and embarrassed towards the end but I still can’t make sense of any of that.
“Say what,” I ask honestly, trying to think of a way to make this somehow easier for him because it wasn’t my intention to make him feel uncomfortable with this.
I see him squeeze his eyes shut and when I take a closer look at his body language, I make out that his right hand fidges and his knee bounces lightly. He must be really nervous about this and I feel minutely guilty.
“You’re not a girl you know,” he finally breathes out quietly, sounding strangled.
I don’t know what to say to that because well, I know that much myself, yet I don’t get what he’s trying to tell me with that statement. When I don’t say anything back but keep quiet and look at him confused and apologetic myself now, he opens his eyes and turns his head in my direction with a matching look on his face. He even has his lower lip tucked awkwardly between his teeth.
“You’re not a girl Mikes, I wouldn’t know where to..where to put it, okay?”
And oh. Oh! God, why am I always so stupid with these things?!
My eyes widen and I mentally slap myself in the face because that one was really obvious and I didn’t get it, again! Maybe I am only 14 after all, I don’t even know anymore. I try really hard not to, but I’m so damn uncomfortable right now and I know he is too and this is me being so incredibly brainless again, that I just have to laugh at the entire situation.
I’m laughing and my entire face is red, I can feel it and at first, he looks at me confused and as if I was a maniac, but then Gerard joins me and starts to laugh and giggle as well. And it’s good because it definitely lightens the mood and maybe makes it easier to talk about this.
Sex, of course. Babies come from sex and the man has to somehow get it inside the woman. I didn’t even think that far, which, again. A clueless teenager who lives alone on an island in the South-Pacific with no experience whatsoever.
“Soooo,” Gerard says after we calmed down again and grins at me awkwardly, obviously still uncomfortable which I totally get now.
“Yeah, so, when I tried to imagine it, I kinda got stuck at one point in my imagination because we are in fact two boys and I don’t know how that would work..if that would work. So yeah, to answer your question, I don’t know.”
He shrugs his shoulders when he’s done and purses his lips and looks kind of sad.
“Maybe two boys don’t do it?” I suggest and shrug my shoulders myself.
He doesn’t say anything to that but shrugs his shoulders again, looking in thoughts.
“I’m happy with the way things are anyway,” I blurt out before I can stop myself, and Gerard’s tiny smile makes me smile right back at him.
“Yeah?” he asks with a tiny voice and brushes a strand behind my ear.
I nod and say, “More than happy.”
“I’m happy too,” he says and pulls me in closer and I immediately snuggle up against his chest which makes him giggle and I snuggle in even closer.
-
We’re both almost asleep when a terrifying thought crosses my mind and I find myself asking with a breathy and small voice, “Gee..would you also be happy if we were still at home? I mean, would we be like this? Would you still want me when there would be so many others for you to choose?”
I almost don’t want to know the answer and I’m glad that the flame from the lantern has died down a while ago because I don’t want him to see my pathetic face right now.
His first response is that he turns us around so that we’re spooning, him being the big spoon like almost always. Then he tucks his nose behind my ear and entwines our fingers against my chest before saying, with the biggest amount of love in his voice I’ve ever heard and like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, “S’ always been you, Mikey.”
And I believe it.

Notes