It's Not Lovin' If It’s Just Fuckin'.

As Gerard woke up, it dawned on him before he’d even opened his eyes that he wasn’t in his own bed...it just felt wrong. He was laying on his back, propped up slightly on a slightly too firm mattress with a lumpy pillow behind his head. Through his closed lids, he could tell that the room was brightly lit...so definitely not his room. He felt cold, and wondered where the blankets were. He opened his eyes then slammed them shut again as he felt blinded by the bright white room. He groaned, turning his head to the left before trying again. He slowly, tentatively opened his eyes again, but regretted it almost instantly when he saw that there was a needle sticking out of the inside of his elbow...he hated needles. He whimpered and turned his head the other way...coming face to face with his dad, who was sat on an uncomfortable looking plastic chair beside his hospital bed, smiling sadly at him.

"D-dad?...what...what happened?"

"That's what I would like to know Gerard. Would you care to tell me what's been going on...before I tell you what the doctor told me?"

Don was usually not cross with his oldest, but this time his worry for his health had been worse than when Gerard was a boy and he had contracted a terrible bout of Pneumonia. Gerard frowned slightly, he didn’t understand. His head felt fuzzy still.

"I was...I was out with Frank and...and I didn’t feel well. I...I don’t really remember what happened."

"That's not what I mean Gerard..."

Don softened and put his hand on Gerard's arm.

"Son, what has been going on with your weight?"

"My weight?..."

Gerard tilted his head slightly.

"Well I...I've lost a bit, I guess."

"Gerard...you lost 20 pounds in less than two months. That is not healthy son."

"But...I needed to."

"Why Son? Gerard you were a fine weight. You were in the right percentile for your age and height. Who told you that you needed to lose that weight?"

"Everyone...kids at s-school."

Gerard sniffed, closing his eyes.

"Gerard, those people don't matter. Do you understand how sick you got yourself with this sudden weight loss? You need to go to therapy to fix everything."

Gerard opened his eyes and blinked disbelievingly at his dad.

"Therapy?!...really dad? I...I’m not mad."

"Not that kind of therapy son, hospitalisation."

"What?!...no dad I..."

Gerard’s breath and the machine next to his bed that had been beeping slow and steady, started to speed up as he began to panic.

"No I...I don’t w-want to dad...please?...please dad, I wanna go home. Please? Can I go home with you dad?...please?"

"You have to go in for at least a week. You'll be evaluated and then they'll decide if you'll be an in patient or in out patient therapy."

"But I...I just w-wanted to be...normal."

Gerard’s voice dropped to little more than a whisper as tears slipped from his eyes.

"You are normal Gerard. This is something many girls and boys go through. You'll be fine and get better with time."

"Where’s Frank?"

Gerard really wanted to change the subject. Hopefully his dad would forget about having him committed...or whatever.

"Frank? I haven’t seen him. I can bring you your phone though and you can call him."

Gerard frowned.

"How long have I been here?"

Don looked away for a moment. He couldn't meet his son's eyes.

"Dad?..."

Gerard heard a noise outside in the hallway and looked toward the open door, his eyes were drawn to the patients board on the wall above the nurses desk...and the date written in red pen at the top.

"Oh my G...a week dad...really?"

"You wouldn't wake up. You had to be fed intravenously. We were afraid..."

"I’m awake now dad..."

Gerard assured softly, hearing his father's voice crack with emotion.

"But has Frank not been here at all?"

"No, sorry I haven't seen him and I've been here every day. Do you want your phone to call him?"

"Please."

Gerard nodded, though he was worried that Frank wouldn’t answer. Maybe Frank had figured out what a waste of time Gerard really was, and decided to cut his losses and leave. Don went and grabbed the boy's phone from his jacket pocket and handed it to him.

"I kept it charged for you."

Gerard gave a small grateful smile as he accepted the phone. He turned it on and was disappointed, but unsurprised to see no messages or missed calls. He sighed and went to Frank’s contact. He let his finger hover over the call button for a moment...then pressed it, closing his eyes and putting the phone to his ear. He listened to it ring.

"Yo Gee, sup?"

Gerard swallowed at hearing Frank’s voice...sounding just like he always does.

"Err...hi Frankie. How’re...you?"

"I'm good Gee, real good."

Frank sounded mellow and distant. Gerard frowned slightly, dropping his voice and turning his face away so his dad wouldn’t hear.

"Frank, are you...stoned?"

"Oh yeah baby, I am so gone right now."

There was giggling in the background. Gerard sighed.

"Where are you?"

"Chilling at Pete's house. Where are you?"

"Where am...?!...screw you Frank!"

Gerard hung up as forcefully as you can with a cellphone, then threw the phone across the room as tears started to run down his cheeks...he should’ve known Frank didn’t even care.

"Gerard what's wrong?..."

Don looked at his son with concern, he never acted like this before. Gerard shook his head, covering his face with his arm. He didn’t want to talk.

"Gerard? Gerard talk to me please?"

"Excuse me?..."

Don looked up and saw the nurse.

"Sorry to interrupt, but the doctor wanted to know if you have a plan set for your son?"

Don looked away from the nurse to his son.

"I think we are going to do in patient."

Gerard whimpered behind his arm, but what was the point in arguing when his dad had already decided his fate? Besides, what did he have to go home for anyway?

"Alright, well then let's get the papers to set everything in motion. Don't worry Gerard, you are going to be so much better when you get out."

The nurse gave a reassuring smile and then left. Don turned to his son.

"I'm going to pack some things for you at home and bring them tomorrow for when you move."

Gerard didn’t answer, what was there for him to say? Don kissed Gerard's head and then left. After a few moments another nurse showed up.

"It's dinner time. Do you want to try and eat?..."

Gerard shook his head, he didn’t want food, he just wanted to be left alone.

"Alright then, I'll be back with an IV bag."

She turned and left. Gerard shivered, curling up onto his side with his knees up to his chest, trying to ignore and not disturb the needle in his arm. If Frank were there he would probably try to distract him...but Frank wasn’t there, and that hurt more than Gerard could describe. He closed his eyes as tears slid down his pale face, soaking the pillow beneath his head.

(time passes)

"Welcome home son..."

Don enveloped his son in a big hug. He had seen him on and off for the past month, but now he was home and would sleep in his own bed. He was surprised that Gerard needed a month to start recovering from his eating disorder. He was a good weight now and learned to balance eating and exercise to maintain it. It would be a battle with more slides than steps up the mountain, but Don was confident in his son.

"I hope you don't mind, but I redid your room while you were gone. Paint, new shelving, even a new bed."

Gerard gave a hesitant smile...he was trying.

"As long as it’s not pink, I think I’ll live."

"I think you'll like it. Go ahead and check it out while I bring in you bags."

"Ok dad."

Gerard turned and headed slowly up the stairs. He was happy to be home, but a little disappointed that his mom hadn’t taken the morning off work to greet him...he’d barely seen her at all this month, she’d only visited him three times, and seemed eager to leave from the moment she arrived. He was disappointed that she wasn’t here now, but hardly surprised.

Reaching his room, Gerard opened the door and was actually pleased with what he saw...he was pretty sure his mom had hated the colours when his dad picked them. Gerard loved them.

"You like it son?"

Don appeared behind him with his bags. Gerard gave his dad a tired smile.

"Yeah, it’s great. Thanks dad..."

He nodded toward one of the jet black walls.

"Bet mom hated that."

"It isn't for her."

"But she did hate it, didn’t she. Is she gonna be home later?"

"I guess. She's been staying late for the past month at work."

Don's words didn't match his eyes. Gerard sighed, laying a hand lightly on his dad’s arm.

"Longer than a month. I’m sorry if I made things worse though."

"You didn't and it's fine son."

Gerard sighed again, he knew it wasn’t fine.

"I think I’m going to have a nap, is that ok dad?"

"Sure son, welcome home again."

Don kissed Gerard on the head once more and then left. Gerard thought about unpacking his bags, but figured that could wait until later. He toed off his sneakers, stripped off the sweatpants his dad had brought him to come home in, then slipped under the covers of his new bed. The sheets were cool and fresh and still had creases in them from being folded and in packaging, but even that newness wasn’t enough to hold Gerard’s attention for more than a minute, and soon he was fast asleep.

(time passes)

"Alright class, I know this is unusual in June, but we have a new student. Everyone this is Robert McCracken."

Gerard looked up from the book he was half heartedly reading and saw a skinny boy with straggly hair and a shy smile. The boy looked harmless enough, and had blue eyes that looked pretty when they caught the light. Gerard knew that there were only two empty seats in the room, one next to him...cause why would anyone want to sit with him?...and the other next to Julie Newman, one of the prettiest girls in the school. He could guess where the newcomer would choose to sit. He looked back down at his book.

"Hi, um...I actually like Bert please. My dad moves a lot so I'm used to starting new schools. Uh...I like comics, rock music, and...yeah."

Wait, did he say comics? Gerard’s head snapped up. The new guy was kinda cute, and into comics?...shame he was 99% for certain going to sit with Julie, and end up being a homophobic douche.

"Alright, well there are two seats free so choose one."

Julie ran a hand through her hair and batted her eyelids. Bert smiled at her and then looked over at the other seat. Gerard offered a timid half smile, then looked down, giving Bert an out so he wouldn’t feel bad about choosing the blonde over him...as Gerard was sure he would.

"I'll sit by the window thanks."

Bert walked down the aisle and sat down.

"Hi, I'm Bert."

Gerard looked up, startled.

"Err, hi. I’m G-Gerard."

"Hi Gee, oh can I call you that?"

Gerard bit his lip, feeling heat flare in his cheeks.

"Uh, yeah...sure..."

He glanced over to a rather pissed off looking Julie, then back at Bert.

"Can I ask...why did you sit with me?"

"Who said I sat near you? Perhaps I prefer a window seat."

Bert spoke with a straight face, but then winked. Gerard gave a tiny shy smile, then looked down, tucking his hair behind his ear.

"You...you like comics?"

He asked tentatively.

"Yeah, but I'm a Marvel so you better watch out if you're a DC cause I will argue how much Superman sucks all day."

Bert made two fists and jabbed playfully at Gerard. Gerard swallowed nervously, not sure whether the other boy was joking or not. He wasn’t good at reading social cues, except for Frank’s...he internally cursed himself for thinking of Frank.

"I...I like Batman, but I’m not a fan of Superman."

"So you are a DC. Well I'll let it slide cause Batman is pretty kick ass."

Bert smiled at him and then the teacher called for their attention. Gerard wasn’t sure, but he thought he might’ve just made a friend...miracles really do happen.

(time passes)

"Hey Gee wait up..."

The bell rang and everyone was out of the class pretty quickly, but Bert caught up to Gerard.

"What do you have next?"

"Oh um...art. You?"

"Gym. Want to ditch with me?"

Gerard bit his lip, at least he wouldn’t have to sit next to Frank and think about how much they seemed to be slipping apart.

"Sure, why not. Where do you wanna go?"

"Do you smoke?"

Gerard shook his head.

"No, I can go with you if you want to though."

Bert smiled and led Gerard out behind the auto garage. It was closed cause there was no class this period. Bert pulled out the joint and lit it. Gerard’s eyes widened.

"Oh!...you meant smoke...Ok then."

He should’ve recognised the smell on the other boy’s clothes and hair...like Frank.

"Let me know if you change your mind and want a hit."

Bert slipped down to the ground using the building for leverage. He pat the ground next to him. Gerard looked around to make sure no one was watching, then sat himself down next to his new friend. They sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, then Gerard thought of something to say.

"I’ve never smoked before...but I had acid once..."

He looked down at his hands.

"...by mistake."

He whispered the last part.

"I don't like the stuff. It makes you do stupid shit. Weed just mellows you out, but you are still in control, you just kind of want to do things nice and slow..."

Bert looked at the boy next to him. He had nice eyes. They were innocent and begging to be taught.

"Here, come here."

Gerard swallowed, considered, then shuffled closer. Bert gave another gentle smile as he took a hit and then gently, so not to startle the timid boy, touched the back of his neck, drawing his face closer and then barely touching his lips to Gerard's, let the smoke drift into the other's mouth. Gerard’s eyes went wide and he sucked in a breath instinctively...then choked and started coughing, his eyes watering as he turned his head away. Shit, now Bert would think he was a loser too.

"Easy baby easy. Don't try to take it all in at once. Breathe in normally."

Bert moved his hand from Gerard's neck to his back. He rubbed it murmuring soothing words. Gerard coughed a couple more times, then tried to slow his breathing. He turned red eyes to the other boy.

"I’m sorry..."

He said quietly, looking down sadly.

"I guess Frank was right when he said I was too innocent."

"And what's wrong with that? Being innocent means that when you learn something, it will mean so much more. I don't know who this Frank guy is, but he had no right to make you feel bad for being innocent..."

Bert reached out and touched Gerard's face, wiping away the tears.

"Wanna try again?"

"Uh...yeah, ok."

Gerard stuttered softly, his cheeks pinking at Bert's gentle touch. Bert's eyes crinkled at the corners as they matched his smile. He took another drag and then leaned in touching Gerard's lips once again and breathing the smoke out softly into the boy's mouth. This time Gerard tried to breathe in normally, he still coughed slightly when their lips parted, but it wasn’t as bad as before, and he actually kind of liked it. He supposed that had been his first almost kiss. He smiled shyly at Bert, nodding slightly.

"See I knew you could do it..."

Bert pulled away and then moved his hand from Gerard's face. He slipped it down to touch the boy's hand and clasped it. He urged the boy to lean in and rest on his shoulder. Bert closed his eyes and sighed.

"It's a nice day isn't it?"

Gerard smiled as he relaxed, starting to feel loose and happy.

"The best."

He murmured quietly.

They sat there for the rest of the period till the bell rang. Bert helped Gerard up and the giggle that he let out made Bert smile even more.

"So how about coming over to my house today? We can watch a movie, play a game, you can eat over too."

"Oh um...I’ll have to call my dad. He worries."

Gerard said self consciously, digging his cellphone from his pocket. He wasn’t embarrassed by his phone now, not since Ray gave him this one, but he worried that Bert would think he was just a kid cause he had to call his dad.

"No that's cool. My dad can talk to yours if you think it would help."

Gerard shook his head, tapping on his dad’s number and then pressing call. It rang just twice before his dad answered.

"Hey son, everything alright?"

"Yeah, hi dad. Um, is it ok if I go to my friend Bert's house after school today for food?"

"Sure, it's nice to see you making friends. Just give me his parent's number."

"Dad..."

Gerard whined slightly, turning away from Bert as he felt his face heat up.

"I’m 17 dad, not 7."

"Yes, but you are my only...now. Forgive me for being a little over protecrive."

They didn't talk about Mikey much anymore. It hurt too much. Gerard felt bad now.

"I know dad...sorry..."

He said quietly before turning to look at Bert.

"Can I give my dad your dad's number please?"

"Sure."

Bert rattled off his dad's number. Gerard nodded, then repeated the number to his dad, looking to Bert for confirmation that he'd gotten it right, and getting a nod.

"Ok dad...so I’ll see you later then?"

"Sure son. Love you."

"Love you too dad..."

Gerard hung up, his cheeks burning as he looked back at Bert, smiling shyly.

"He said it’s ok."

"Awesome, so I'll meet you at the front after last period then..."

Bert looked at the joint, which had one more hit in it.

"Wanna share it?"

"Oh um, yeah...ok."

Bert grinned and placed the joint in his mouth. He sucked in the tainted smoke and then beckoned Gerard to him. Gerard smiled nervously, then leaned in. Bert gently touched Gerard's face and this time placed his lips right on Gerard's and released the smoke slowly. Gerard breathed in normally this time, but still coughed a little...but he didn’t mind too much, he kinda liked it. He kinda liked Bert too. Once the smoke was all gone, Bert didn't move. Gerard made a small, questioning sound in the back of his throat...was Bert actually kissing him now? Bert's eyes were closed. Gerard whined slightly and pulled back, swallowing and sucking his lower lip in between his teeth.

"We should uh...go to class?"

He suggested hesitantly, not knowing what else to do or say.

"Wait till the bell rings."

Bert pulled the boy next to him and rested his head on his shoulder. Gerard nodded and relaxed, he guessed they had time. After a few minutes of quiet, he plucked up the courage to ask.

"Was that...a kiss?"

He whispered, eyes on the floor.

"It was what you wanted it to be."

Gerard swallowed, looking up.

"What did…you want it to be?"

Bert smiled and leaned in again.

"What do you think?"

Gerard smiled softly as his cheeks pinked.

"No one ever...I mean Frank did, but not like that...I mean on the cheek like a friend and he doesn’t see me like that and..."

He giggled self consciously, chewing his lower lip for a moment and looking down at his hands.

"I l-liked you doing that. You could...you could do it again, if you want?"

Bert didn't know who this Frank guy was, but anyone who didn't want this boy was crazy in his book.

"Yeah, I would like to."

Bert leaned in again and kissed Gerard properly this time. The bell rang, but neither boy moved.

Notes

Hi there chipmunks, how’s you?

So I know this fic has been away for a while, but we are back to writing now (SLOWLY) and we hope to have more of this for you soon.

Until next time...PLEASE COMMENT and peace out babies!
<3