We were sitting back in the hotel room; all of us. I was curled up on the queen sized bed, my knees up to my chest. Unable to feel anything, like it was after any suicide attempt I tried. Something was keeping me alive.

“Jade,” Gerard finally said.

I didn't answer. I didn’t know how to answer. I was stopped from killing myself, again. I didn’t know whether to feel like a failure or a god sent.

Ray sat on the bed across from me, and I watched Frank light up a cigarette look at me, I probably looked worse now than ever before. Eyes blank, worried, what would happen now?

“We don't care what you told us,” Ray said, calmly. “But you need to get help, Jade. We're supporting you one hundred and ten freaking percent,” It felt good, almost relieving to be called my actual name. I don't have to hide anymore.

I knew they all had questions, I could see it in their eyes, as I gazed from one pair to another.

“I'm – I'm sorry,” I weakly muttered out, trying to make it sound as sincere as I could. I brought my hands up to push them through my hair, rub my eyes and kept them there for a moment, hoping that when I removed them, I would be in my bed in NYSPI and this was all just a horrible, messy dream. Why wasn't anyone asking questions, yelling, ridiculing me for what I did? For what I did to Mikey? They're possibly the nicest group of people I've ever met, they're beyond words.

“You have to go back, back to the hospital,” Gerard said, interrupting my train of consciousness.

“I know I have to but I can’t now,” I said, avoiding eye contact. “They wont take a patient back who escaped, they’ll move me somewhere else. Like prison,” I added.

“You will not end up incarcerated,” Ray huffed.

“Who knows where I’ll end up—a ward for the criminally insane,” I weakly moaned.

“Stop,” Gerard said quietly. “Jade just stop thinking for a second,” he added.

“I can’t,” I said, whimpering, feeling as though I was going to cry.

I suddenly began to think about Genevieve, and what happened, it said she was reprimanded, but at what cost? Honestly, I hoped she was dead. I took several deep breaths, counting up to ten, back down, and then up again, holding my breath in between each set.

“You’re not sick,” Mikey said breaking my concentration. I looked up at him, fidgeted slightly but couldn't respond. I didn’t want to argue about me anymore.

“I can’t talk about me anymore,” I weakly cried.

I couldn’t explain what was going on inside my head—not to mention anywhere else in my body. I had been so cold to them, so foreign, and they tried, and tried again to save my life no matter how I treated them. I knew Mikey was feeling the same way, they probably all were. I huffed and tossed around the idea of calling Jeanne, or even Barbra. What I wanted right about now was Ernie’s wisdom. Shaking, I picked up my phone and dialed the hospital putting the phone on speaker, when it reached the ward that I resided at, Ernie picked up the ringing phone, thankfully.

“Ernie, it's—it's me,” I said, my voice cracking.

“I’m here,” he said after I said whom it was.

“I know you're scared, Jade, they aren’t going to hurt you—this was all for your own protection.” he said. I can’t control myself because I don’t know how. I sat there shaking my head and mumbling incoherently to myself. The group has officially, seen me at my lowest point.

“They will not hurt you, hun,” Ernie said again after I was silent.

“You’re not insane Jade, you’re just stuck,” he said.

“Okay,” I mumbled. “Okay,” I said again, making it permanent.
I am a prickly bundle of nerves, my stomach feels as though I have swallowed that damn knife—but I show that I have myself under control. If I yell and scream, I might feel better, but that’ll probably make them think I do belong in the hospital. If I’m polite, I might shame my “kidnappers” a little bit but it would make that transition easier for them.

I got pretty far, almost 200 miles away from where I initially started. When they came to get me, I ushered myself over slowly, and they handcuffed me for my protection, before escorted out of the room.
“Will we see her again,” Ray asked one of the officers while I left.

“That’ll be up to the ward,” the officer stated. “She did the right thing, we’re just relieved no one got hurt,” he added. They would never come near me again.

Notes

Trigger warning: suicide mention.