Notable Occasions on the Calendar of Dread

I was out for almost the entire night--and part of the day. I lie in the bunk with my eyes closed but awake, as I hear some of the bandmates come on.

"She's still asleep," Frank said.

"Why is she always asleep?" Frank asked if I was annoying him.

"Depression takes a lot out of you," Gerard said back to him.

I'm not depressed, I'm a borderline.

I moved slightly and felt my body crack as I stretched my legs out in front of me, curled up in fetal position for nearly fifteen hours never really had its perks. I maneuvered my way out of the bunk and made my way to the bathroom, dizzy from either the medication or lack of food, I didn't know.

Once I was in the small bathroom of the bus, and man, do I mean small, I leaned over the toilet and emptied the minor contents of my stomach into it, hoping no one heard me.

I stumbled out of the bathroom, hastily making my way to the bunk, seeing that Frank and Gerard had disappeared off the bus again, only to find Mikey lying occupying the bunk engrossed with something on his phone.

"Are you hungry?" he asked, the question floating out of his mouth like a balloon, coming towards me.

"No," I lied.

"Let me take you to get coffee or something," he said over to me. I tried to picture what I must've looked like. My hair, as dark and as short as it was, was probably a mess. I hadn't showered since we were back at the house they borrowed and my clothes were stained with blood. Sure, let's go out.

"I'll get you some new clothes while we're out, too" he added.

"You don't have sound check or a show, or anything soon?" I asked, literally ready to get down on my knees and pray to whatever God was up there.

"No, I'm free the rest of the afternoon," he managed to answer.

There is no God.

I exited the bus, welcoming the fresh air and Mikey followed suit. He lit up a cigarette as we walked and he offered me one, but I decline to smoke. I didn't want to get myself hooked on it if I ended back up in the hospital--or wherever I was going to end up.

I noticed while we walked Mikey kept looking up and down at my arms, since I had previously taken my cardigan off. He could see my tattoos, not to mention all of the scars I had caused onto myself.

"What does that tattoo mean?" he asked, pointing to the crescent moon on my forearm.

"It's a moon?" I said back, coldly.

"No shit, does it have a meaning?" he mused.

"My mom always says 'I love you too the moon and back', she's been saying since I was little. My grandmother used to say it too, before she passed from breast cancer.

It was an odd suit, I was never particularly close with her on my mother's side, because they lived in France, so I hardly got to see them. When I turned 18 and entered the ward, she passed suddenly without any warning to her immediate family members. I always had a tinge of guilt, because I never got to attend her funeral or memorial year after year because of the time I was in the ward. I made a silent promise in that moment that I would get better, get out, and visit her grave.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Mikey said, almost sounding sincere. "My grandmother passed suddenly, too" he added. We connected within that moment, reminiscing about our lost loved ones.

"What about the symbol on your wrist?" he asked, pointing to the one just below were my bandage ended.

"It's a personal symbol of happiness. I got it when I turned eighteen to feel some sort of happiness," I answered. In that moments I wanted to spill myself to him, tell him how much I wanted to get better, how I sought treatment for myself and how just spending time with him, and his bandmates, made me feel more ay home than any other possible place.

"The French?" he asked.

"Counting for anxiety attacks, it was the first language I learned." I answered.

"Do you have more?" he asked.

"Yes, several others," I said. On account my arms were folded as we walked, he could only see the ones that faced outwards, towards the world, exposing themselves.

"Someday you'll have to show me," he said, I could swear he was almost smiling at the idea.

The talking of my ink jobs left me churning for what his sole tattoo meant, as well was why it was covered by one of his wrist bands, but I kept my mouth shut.

We arrived at a small cafe within some time of walking the streets together. Mikey ordered two coffees and we sat in the corner, out of view from the chaos that was surrounding the establishment. The sun shined through the windows, and for a moment, I felt calm. When urs coffees arrived, neither of us moved right away.

"Tell me about yourself," Mikey said in between sips of his coffee.

"I'm sorry I'm sleeping in your bunk, instead of the floor," I said before I could stop myself, trying to avoid his gesture.

"Don't worry about that, I don't mind it. It gets lonely in there." He said back, and I just nodded.

We each finished our coffees in perpetual silence, before Mikey stood up and tossed our cups out.I was staring out the window when he came back over to the table, tapping my shoulder to break my concentration.

"Let me at least get you a new shirt, it's the least I can do for being such a jackass to you," he said.

"Sure, I mean, I don't want to sound desperate or anything. I'm fine with the way I look," I said, sounding unconvincing.

"Your clothes are bloody and people keep staring at you, and you havent showered since we were back at the borrowed house, even I can tell," he smirked at me, half a smile creeping over his lips.

I smacked his chest, saying "I hardly care! Besides, when was the last time you showered, Mikey?"

We exited the shop and arrived back into the bustling street. Mikey grabbed my aching wirst and dragged me into the first clothing store we came across. I looked at an assortment of clothes, trying some on to make sure my scars weren't as visable as they were, espically to Mikey. He even agreed that black was a happy color. In the end, I ended up with similar black clothes like I started with, leggings, shirt and cardigan, along with a pair of shorts if I deide to stay with them.

We walked back to the tour bus in silence, me holding the new clothes while Mikey lt up another cigarette.

"How was your date?" Frank yelled in our general direction when we arrived baack.

"It wasn't a date," Mikey spat before disapperaring onto the tour bus, with me attempign to follow suit.

"It was a date!" Frank mouthed back towards me as I walked up the steps. I threw the empty bag onto the bunk and went into the bathroom to change.

Outside the door I heard the commotion as evertone else got on the bus.

"You see this?" Mikey said outside the door, and I assumed he was talking about his tattoo.

"It's suppose to mean forever," he added. I was right.

"You'll find someone beter than Alicia, hell, you spent a lot of time with Lacey, keep that up, ou two seem to fit well together!" Gerard's voice said.

Ray chimed in saying: "So you're telling him to end his problem with a woman by occupying it with another woman?"

I quickly changed into my clothes, and looked at myslef in the mirror, trying my best not to cry no matter how far down my eyes wandered.

"Always worked for me!" I exclaimed sarcastically while I exited the bathroom, feeling the height of all three of them around me.

I pushed passed them and back to the bunk, pushing the sheets away and currling back up into fetal postion, trying to doze off dspite the laughter from the group I just passed.

Notes

Trigger warning.