18th Floor Balcony (Frerard) (Reupload)

***Time Stamp: January***

A beam of sunlight woke Frank up. He groaned and hissed, then turned into the soft skin next to him, burying his head under a pillow to block out the bright sun in his eyes.

“It’s too early,” he mumbled.

“Is it too early for coffee?” a familiar voice asked. Frank looked up and saw Mikey in the doorway.

“Mikey Way, do you love me?” Frank asked playfully, his voice still muffled in the pillow.

“Yeah, well…,” Mikey blushed. He could not get over how everything seemed to work out for them. He crossed to his brother’s bed and sat down in the chair next to it. “Is he awake yet?”

“Not yet, Mikes,”

“Rough night?”

“Just an accident. Had to change him and the sheets and give him a bath, but it was alright,” Frank said, looking over at the patient next to him fast asleep, his C-PAP doing it’s work helping him breathe as he slept.

“He must have felt bad,”

“Actually, he was asleep through most of it. I think his catheter came a little loose,”

“You take such good care of him,” Mikey smiled, handing Frank a mug of hot coffee in one of his hands.

“He deserves it,”

“He does. Well, I’m going to start breakfast then,”

“I’ll wake up Gee and we’ll join you,”

“Okay,” Mikey said, leaning over and kissing Gerard’s cheek. He then kissed Frank lightly and left. Frank sighed and then leaned in and kissed Gerard.

“Gee, Gee, come on baby, time to get up,” Frank cooed, lightly shaking his body. Gerard groaned, struggling to open his eyes. He was still far too embarrassed from last night’s incident. He hated how the stuff he’s tube-fed daily always messes with his digestive tract, and the mess it always leaves afterwards. Something else about him didn’t just feel right this morning for some reason.

“Come on, beautiful. Open your eyes for me,” Frank whispered in Gerard’s ear softly, stroking his hair as he took of his breathing mask. Gerard did so, his half-awake and weary eyes typing his words on the device’s monitor above his bed.

“I’m sorry about last night, Frank…,”

he said, feeling lower than a dog for the mess he made all over himself for Frank to clean up.

“Stop it. It was fine. I was fine, Gee,” Frank laughed.

“You sure? I can only imagine how bad all that shit was to clean up, even though I was only a quarter awake,”

“It was really not that bad. I caught it in time, so it was pretty easy. Now stop worrying and kiss me, pumpkin,”

“You’re gonna have to do that for me. I can’t move my neck or mouth anymore,”

Gerard frowned in his mind. Yesterday he was able to move his lips...a little bit. Not today, though.

“Gee...I know that. Stop taking everything so seriously,” Frank rolled his eyes, leaning down to kiss Gerard. Just as Frank did, Gerard found himself at a loss of air. He gasped and choked, coughing and hacking like he’s been doing for the past few days, no thanks to the cold he caught.

“Gee, I think you’re getting sick. We should take you in to get checked,” Mikey said, walking back into Gerard’s room.

“I agree with Mikes, Gee. Better to be safe than sorry,”

“I know. I’ve been coughing really bad lately. Damn this weather,”

“I’ll call them and let them know we’re coming. Mikey, you wanna get Gerard dressed?”

“Sure, Frankie,” Mikey said. Frank got up and headed for his room. He kissed Mikey on his way out.

“Come on Gee, let’s get you ready,” Mikey told his brother, taking out some clothes from Gerard’s closet for him.

“Okay,”

Gerard replied before coughing up some more, his spittle flying in all directions, his throat dry and deprived of air. Mikey worked quickly as he got his brother dressed and into his chair. He wrapped a heated blanket around him and plugged it into one of the outlets in his chair that his computer is plugged up to. He also grabbed one of Gerard’s emergency oxygen tanks behind his chair and turned it on, putting the mask over Gerard’s face.

“Got the van all warmed up,” Frank called out, walking back into Gerard’s room.

“Okay, you load Gee in and I will get dressed quick,” Mikey said before he kissed Gerard’s cold cheek, and then left the room.

“Hang on, Gee. You’re gonna be okay,” Frank whispered to Gerard as he wheeled him to the elevator and down to the front lobby, making their way out the door and to the van.

“Are you sure?”

Gerard looked up weakly, his eyes being the only thing left he could move, his dominant hand he’s used to navigate his chair now limp and moveless.

“Frank...my hand. I can’t move,”

“Yeah, baby. I’m sure. Come on,” Frank said, loading Gerard in the van. He closed the door just as Mikey came out. “Mikey...I’m worried. I think we are looking at the beginning of the end,”

“Let’s try not to think about it til we are sure. Come on, Frankie,”

“Okay…,” Frank smiled through tears. They got in the van and drove to the hospital.

*

*

*

Gerard coughed and gagged the entire ride to the hospital. Lucky for them, he didn’t have to wait in the lobby of the emergency room when the nurses got a good look at his sickly state. Frank and Mikey waited painstakingly, time passing by as slow as humanly possible. Even a few naps didn’t help much.

“I hope Gerard is alright,” Mikey sighed, lying his head on Frank’s shoulder.

“I’m sure he will be alright, Mikes,” Frank replied, hugging the older man tightly. “We will talk to the doctor and find out what’s going on soon,”

“Frank? Mikey? Dr. Urie is ready to see you. He’s in room 734 with Gerard,” a nurse called out from the desk once she received a phone call. Like lightning, Frank and Mikey got up and headed to Gerard’s room.

“I guess they decided to keep him,” Frank whispered as they walked inside. Dr. Urie greeted them with a somber look on his face, with Gerard behind him asleep and hooked up to oxygen, with a tube down his throat and breathing for him. He never looked so weak and ill before, his eyes sunken and his skin ghostly pale. Seeing him made Frank and Mikey’s hearts drop to their stomachs.

“It’s not looking good for him. The disease has been progressing faster than we predicted, and as you may know, Gerard has been losing his ability to breathe. You guys are lucky you caught him in time. He could have simply stopped breathing and died in his sleep,”

“How much longer?” Frank swallowed hard.

“We’re not sure, but at best...Gerard has maybe a month or two to live, maybe three if he’s lucky. Besides inserting a tracheostomy in him, which we can go forward with, the best we can do is make him comfortable until the end,”

“Does he have to stay here?” Mikey asked, trying to control the quiver in his voice.

“Yes, to go through with the surgery for the tracheostomy. He can return home after he recovers, but…,” Dr. Urie flipped through some notes in his clipboard. “Because of the complexity of Gerard’s condition, it’s strongly recommended that he either has more aides in his care at home, or that he’s placed in a care facility,”

“We will hire more aides. I don’t think Mikey here wants Gerard to be anywhere but home,”

“That’s fine. I’ll contact your homecare agency later,” Dr. Urie turned to Frank. “Frank, after the surgery, I will hand you a booklet on how to care for Gerard’s tracheostomy,”

“Okay…,” Frank said, holding Mikey close as Dr. Urie left the room. He knew he was going to really need him now as much as Gerard.

*

*

*

“Wow, this book is comprehensive!” Frank exclaimed, sitting in the living room and sipping on his coffee as he read up on Gerard’s care. He turned to his grandmother who sat next to him. “Hey, Nonna. Can I ask you a question?”

“Yes, bambino?”

“What would you do if your best friend was dying?” Frank asked, setting down the book.

“Well…,” Rosalie said, looking down and deep in thought as she sipped her tea. “I would be upset, of course...but I’d do everything in my power to make him as comfortable as possible,”

“I’m not sure I have the power to do that, honestly…,” Frank frowned. He looked over at Mikey, who was in the living room with them. He was curled up in the corner, sitting in the wheelchair that Gerard used to sit in. He was shivering under his blanket, and Frank knew it was tears and fear, not the cold.

“Why not, bambino? You’re a wonderful caregiver, and I’m sure Gerard agrees,” Rosalie asked.

“It’s not Gerard that’s dying...well, he is dying, but I am more worried about Mikey. I knew he always knew this day would come, but he is not handling it was well as he thought he would. In short...he’s dying,”

“Well, you must do the same for him. Make him comfortable. Help him understand that his brother will be in a better place when he passes on,”

“I’m thinking when Gerard passes, that Mikey and I should move and get a place that is smaller that we can create new memories in,”

“That’s a good idea. This place would bring back too many bittersweet memories. It’s always good to start on a new fresh canvas. I’m sure Gerard would want the same for you two,”

“I’m afraid Mikey won’t do it, though,”

“Why not? Are you afraid he’d be living too much in the past, when Gerard’s still alive?”

“I don’t know...I just...Gerard in a roundabout way rejected my marriage proposal in favor of saving his brother’s heart. What if Mikey rejects me in saving his own? I don’t think I could take that kind of rejection…,”

“I know, bambino. Right now I’d focus on what’s right here right now. Worrying too much about the future will bring no good. Worry about when Gerard comes home from the hospital, alright?”

“I am hoping that Mikey will snap out of it,” Frank said as he finished his coffee. “I’m gonna get him to bed. Gerard comes home tomorrow and I want Mikey to be his best...but I’m not sure if Gerard will be able to use his computer anymore. He looked really weak when I saw him yesterday,”

“Oh? Is it really that bad? Poor thing,” Rosalie put a supporting hand on her grandson’s shoulder. “You go take care of Mikey. His brother was right. He does need you,”

“I know,” Frank stood up and kissed his grandmother and then headed across the room to get Mikey.

*

*

*

“Gee, this is Mandy, Sasha, and Thomas. They’re gonna work with Mikey and I to take care of you,” Frank spoke calmly to Gerard, introducing him to his three new caregivers in the living room as Gerard’s stiff and motionless body laid in the new reclining geriatric chair that’s been ordered for him, his tracheostomy machine and feeding tube hooked up to him and functioning for his gradually weakening and frail body, his tired and sunken eyes looking at the three new people that have been hired to take care of him alongside Frank and Mikey. He would greet them graciously, but he couldn’t. He had lost the ability to use his computer due to his eye muscles giving out, leaving him completely mute and without any form of communication. He couldn’t even twitch his fingers, and could barely blink his eyes to give a yes or no answer to whoever tried to talk to him. His body had become so atrophied and statue-like to the point where it stayed in a contorted and uncomfortable position, his arms and legs bent and curled up, and his back hunched. To prevent hand and foot drop, he has to have rolled up washcloths put in each of his rigid hands and braces placed on his feet. Aside from an occasional grunt or moan that escaped from his throat, his body was completely shiftless and silent. To say the least, he looked braindead to the normal human eye, but Frank and Mikey, we well as the new CNAs, knew that wasn’t the case.

“Nice to meet you, Gerard,” Mandy, a red-haired girl in pink Hello Kitty scrubs, said as she smiled at him.

“I hope we all get along,” said Sasha, a tall black girl with curly dark hair and gray scrubs with penguins on them.

“We want you to know we are going to do everything to make you comfortable,” said Thomas, a young man with neatly combed blond hair and navy blue scrubs. Gerard smiled back at them all in his mind. He was confident in them. They all didn’t have that same negative aura that Marco had around him.

“Alright, so I will still be here all the time. I’ll help each of them out on their shifts with you, Gee. Mandy will be here in the morning from seven to three, Sasha in the evening from three to eleven, and Thomas overnight from eleven to seven,” Frank said, still speaking properly to Gerard as if he could answer back. He turned back to the three coworkers beside him. “Right now it’s about ten. Sasha, Thomas, you guys are free to go til your shifts start later. Mandy, you and me will check Gerard here in a bit to see if he needs to be changed. After that, I’ll help you give him his bath. Okay?”

Sasha and Thomas both nodded, saying their goodbyes to Gerard as they left out the front door. As they did, Mikey walked in with some groceries he grabbed from the store and set them down, walking over to his brother in the living room as Frank and Mandy gathered the supplies for Gerard’s bath. He slowly kneeled down to face him and stroked his cheek, trying his hardest to fight back his tears seeing him for the first time since he got home from the hospital this morning. It was almost too hard for him to look at his brother in the eye, seeing his rapidly deteriorating state that made his heart shatter.

“Hey, bro. You alright?” Mikey whispered, his voice quivering as Gerard’s weary and shiftless eyes stared back at him. Under the soft hum of Gerard’s tracheostomy machine, Mikey could have sworn he heard his brother’s throat squeak with the sound of mucous sloshing in his tube. Mikey turned away, his face contorting from the tears getting to the best of him. He knew Gerard would hate to see him cry. He had to get away to let it all out. “I’m sorry, Gee. I’ll be back…,”

Mikey got up and rushed to his bedroom, slamming the door shut and landing on his bed, sobbing loudly into a pillow. As Frank and Mandy got out of the bathroom with Gerard’s supplies for his bed bath, Frank stopped by Mikey’s door and heard his cries beyond it. He sighed deeply and shook his head. He knew this was going to be a rough couple or so months for him and Gerard, as well as his baby brother.

*

*

*

The rest of the day was filled with everyone getting used to the new routines of taking care of Gerard. It was strange not having him at the table with Frank and Mikey, and it hurt even more that they couldn’t converse with him anymore. Due to Gerard’s immensely weak and withering state, he stayed in bed for most of the day, with his caregivers staying on top of changing and repositioning him periodically, as well as keeping him company. Despite Gerard still being alive, Frank felt that he has been absent from the apartment lately. It felt almost completely empty without his lively presence within the home, and downright depressing. It didn’t help that his brother was a completely depressed wreck, refusing to come outta his room and join the living. He didn’t even bother to come out for lunch or dinner, or sit with Gerard and the others when they watched a movie in his room earlier today. Whenever Frank tried talking to Mikey, he simply ignored him, telling him to just leave him alone. Later that night shortly after Thomas arrived for his shift, Frank could barely sleep, as Mikey next to him in bed kept tossing and turning and stealing the covers, mumbling Gerard’s name in his sleep. He figured that Mikey needed him nearby, since sleeping with Gerard at this rate was too dangerous. Frank soon gave up trying to sleep and looked over at the alarm clock on the nightstand--it was past midnight. He sighed and sat up in bed, rubbing at his tired eyes and walking outta the bedroom and to the living room, where he found Thomas on the couch reading a Star Trek novel.

“How’s Gerard?” Frank asked.

“Just checked on him. His diaper is dry, but he’s not sleeping for some reason. He looks pretty shaken up, honestly,”

“Oh, alright. I’ll go in and check on him,” Frank said, walking down the hall to Gerard’s bedroom. He knocked on the door lightly and walked inside, the room lit by a lamp in the corner. He knew Gerard hated the dark. His eyes were open, facing the ceiling as his body laid in bed, with blankets covering him to keep him warm and pillows tucked under and in between areas of his body to make him comfortable, and also lessening his risk of developing pressure sores. There was a machine hooked up to him to monitor his vitals alongside the feeding tube machine and oxygen concentrator for his tracheostomy. When Frank sat down to get a closer look at him, he noticed his eyes were a little open wider than the usual and his pulse on the monitor was slightly elevated, as well as his oxygen level. He knew Thomas was right; Gerard didn’t look all too well. He looked restless at this late time of night.

“Hey, Gee. What are you doing up this late? You okay?” Frank asked, brushing away Gerard’s bangs from his perspiring forehead. “Are you too hot? Here, I think you are,”

Frank got up and removed some of the blankets off of Gerard, placing them aside so that only a light sheet was covering Gerard’s fragile body that’s dressed in a black t-shirt and plaid pajama bottoms. He then turned on the ceiling fan on low and returned to Gerard, seeing that his heightened pulse has barely changed.

“You poor thing,” he sighed. “Is something on your mind, baby?”

Frank looked deep into Gerard’s eyes, trying to find the tiniest bit of life behind them. He coulda swore he saw them light up slightly. He thought long and hard about what it is that’s been bothering Gerard, the first thing coming to him being Mikey.

“I know, Gee. It really sucks knowing how down in the dumps Mikey is. It’s gonna take time for him getting used to the situation at hand,” Frank said, carding his fingers through Gerard’s hair. “I just gotta be there for him, like we all are for you. You were right, Gee. He does need me,”

Frank leaned down and left a kiss on Gerard’s forehead, wiping up a string of drool that fell from his lips and ran down his chin. He looked back at the monitor to see his pulse starting to ease down a bit and smiled.

“How about some music, Gee? That ought to help you sleep,” Frank smiled, getting up and putting on a song on Gerard’s mp3 player that’s hooked up to a pair of speakers, with the sound of soft guitars filling the room. It was “18th Floor Balcony” by Blue October, a band that Frank knew that Gerard is very fond of. As the song played, Frank slowly laid his head down on Gerard’s stomach and shut his eyes. He hummed along to the song softly as Gerard’s body breathed in and out, his stomach rising and falling.

And I knew it from the start, so my arms are open wide

Your head is on my stomach

No...we’re not going to sleep

Here we are on this 18th floor balcony we’re both…

Flying away…

Frank looked up back at the heart monitor once the song ended. He sighed in relief and smiled, seeing his pulse back to normal levels. He looked down and felt butterflies flutter in his stomach when he suddenly saw Gerard briefly smile, his lips twitching as a small laugh escaped from them. Frank knew this wasn’t just nerves. Gerard was genuinely happy. He slowly shut his eyes, falling asleep with Frank smiling above him. He leaned down and kissed Gerard on the cheek.

“Sleep well, Gee,” he whispered, getting up from his seat and slowly walking out of the room, shutting the door behind him. He walked down the hall and back to Mikey’s room, getting back into bed with him and under the covers. Mikey now looked a lot more peaceful next to him, much unlike earlier. His body turned towards Frank and snuggled up against him as he wrapped his arms around the younger Way and shut his eyes.

Notes