All of the Stars

"This is it." Frank's speech was emotionless. We had driven through the night, taking as many shortcuts as possible until we finally reached Jersey. We weren't happy, of course not. We didn't even speak to each other during the whole twelve hour car ride. There was no hand-holding this time, no kisses during red lights, not even tiny glances in the corners of our eyes. When I say not a single word was spoken, it's the honest truth. I'm sure we barely heard each other's breathing. Scared, that was the only emotion set in the small compact of Frank's suffocating car. What had we been expecting? Most likely changing our minds, but it never happened. I ran that scenario through my head a million times, if we turned the car around and went to Ohio instead and made a living out of it. Frank said no. He said I had to go to school. He said I had to graduate. He said I had to been an artist and find a way to use the voice I was gifted with. He said I needed to find my main purpose in the harsh world.
I didn't disagree with him. He was right. I couldn't throw away my life, as much as I wanted to. If I threw it all away, right then and there, it's probable that my yellow paint would start turning grayer and grayer until it wasn't even the slightest bit of a hue. That was an oxymoron though, because going away with Frank would make it fade and being separated from him would make it fade as well. The second faster than the first. But it wouldn't matter. In the end it's still the same God foresaken result.
"Gerard, this is it." Frank repeated, an edge trickling on the edges of his scratchy,beyond exhausted voice. It was then that I noticed that the car was halted at the end of my street. I could see the pathway to my front porch from where we were placed, my stomach felt queasy and uneven like there were rocks in the form of bile trying to erupt out of my throat. I wasn't thinking straight then, and the only thing I could do correctly was panic in the leather passenger seat with my hands clutching the edge of the armrest. Rapid breaths came from me and filled up the hollowed out sounds of the car.
My head spun like a fucking ferris wheel on acid, "Frank...I...Frank no. No. I can't. This can't happen. No, I'm not leaving..I can't leave Frankie."
He outed a defeated sigh and slumped in the drivers seat. He didn't say anything. He didn't look at me. "Sweet Pea's leash is in the glove compartment. If I had her food, I'd give it to you, alright? She eat's Purina, the steak one. She likes to chew things too, so hide your paintings and-"
"You aren't being fucking serious right now." I spat, my mouth dropping open a little in shock of his douchieness.
"Gerard. There's nothing I can do." He remarked grievously. His voice was austere with me, which I did not appreciate when I was trying to show him my genuine feelings. He was going to be that stubborn, I-don't-give-a-fuck facade character that was locked in the depths of his emotions. Fuck that, there was no way he was going to pull that on me after all the hell we'd gone through in the last month. All the fucking sacrifices and risks I took and all he wanted to do was throw a dog in my hands then kick me out of a car as fast as humanly possible.
I shook my head, shifting my whole body in the most anger-filled gestures I could manage, "You're not going to fucking do this to me right now."
"We messed up, kid." He replied boredly. He flicked a ball of white lint off the black stitching of his aged jeans, still not looking at me.
"What the hell?" I snapped.
"I'm a felon."
I rolled my eyes and harshly unbuckled my seat belt to free myself of it's confinement, "You aren't. We've been over this, the age of consent is sixteen-"
"That's where we messed up." Frank hissed back. His tattooed hand pounded itself against the black leather of his steering wheel. His fists clenched and unclenched while his pink lips pursed tightly, across his sorrow ridden face.
"W-what?"
Frank scoffed as if I was supposed to know what he was talking about, "Age of consent is sixteen, yeah. I googled it while you were asleep a few hours ago. It's only legal if the latter is five years older, no more than that. I'm a fucking felon, Gerard. I'm getting put away, you realize that? I'm eighteen years older than you, but you had to reel me in."
"Why are you saying that like it's my fault?" I retorted grimly, my hand reaching from the handle of the door.
"Because it fucking is."
My heart stopped midbeat. "Excuse me?"
"Never mind. I'm not doing this right now. I don't have the energy to fight with you."
"And neither do I. What the fuck happened Frank? You were fine awhile ago. Am I really that bad? That you can just turn on me and blame me for your dickhead actions that quickly? Do I mean nothing to you? You were telling me how much you loved me last night but somehow does that just disappear in a matter of hours?" My voice was raising to extent of borderline yelling at Frank. He was silent.
"You mean everything to me." He said so quietly that I barely made out what he was saying.
"Then stop acting like a cunt and say goodbye to me, properly, Frank. Don't just shove your dog in my face and tell me to get out. You're not the only one who's upset right now."
"There's no simple way to do this." He said softly, finally turning to me to return my elongated gaze that was fixed on his pretty face.
"I know." I whispered back. We leaned toward each other, pressing our foreheads together and slipping our eyes closed.
"I don't know how I'm supposed to say goodbye." I told him with a maximum amount of hesitation and gentleness in my voice. He said nothing and inched his face forward and pressing our lips together in the most tender way we'd ever done it. I reminisced in the all the times we kissed that led up to this one, feeling my lips packed tightly against his for our final touch. I tangled my fingers in his dark auburn hair one last time, rubbed my tongue against his and breathed into his mouth one final time. Letting tiny noises come from our throats and we kissed and kissed and kissed until our lips were swollen three times bigger than normal.
"I..I fuck...I fucking love you." He sobbed against my lips. I felt his tear transfer onto my face as a few of my own streamed down my cheeks.
"I love you too." I choked out.
"To the stars and back."
"To the stars and back." I confirmed in a murmur, "Thank you for teaching me, and helping me let someone inside. Thank you for teaching me how to love and be who I wanna be, to look at the smaller details in life alongside a positive mind. Frankie.. I can't fucking thank you enough for everything you've opened my eyes to. Thank you for making me feel like home again and God, I don't know how else to thank you. Just..fucking hell, you've done so much for me. I feel..so, beautiful and I have nobody else to fucking thank but you, you're a fucking influence-"
He cut me off with a kiss, still crying softly and dampening him long eyelashes, "Gerard, baby. Baby...thank you for giving me a chance. Thank you for doing what's the absolute best for you. Thank you for putting up with me and loving me just as much as I love you. I was born to tell you I love you, and I'm fucking torn to do what I have to do. But you're going to be so much better off, you're going to live the most bad ass life ever, and you're going to live it to the absolute fullest, you understand me?"
I nodded, gripping his hands in my own.
"You're not going to be scared of yourself anymore," He continued, "You are going to smile everyday and you are going to be positive, okay? I love you. I love you, I fucking love you."
"I love you too."
The rest of it was bittersweet, didn't day anything else. We didn't kiss each other again. He simply handed me my bag of items along with Sweet Pea's sleeping body, gave me the quickest but most warming hug ever, then let me get out of the car. We stared at each other for some long seconds, letting me take in the beauty of his eyes. The eyes that I fell in love with on the first day I met him. I watched him drive away, Sweet Pea squirming in my arms as she watched her owner of fifteen years leave her, as simply as that.
"It's okay." I cooed to her as I brinked myself from tears, rubbing between her ears as she whined and howled in confusion. "I'll miss him too, okay? We'll both miss him. We both love him. He's gonna be alright, he loves us very much."
I held her against my chest, letting a million disgusting and held back sobs escape from me, and fell to me knees right on my front porch, in front of my house that was filled with probably every member of my family. I didn't care. The paint in my chest was excruciating. I screamed. Loud. It hurt. It hurt so fucking bad. That was the last time I ever kissed him. The last time I ever saw his tattooed hands placed against mine. The last time I ever saw his beautiful hazel and emerald eyes looking back into mine with such a look of admiration. I'd never sit in his dumb little Honda again with the radio playing. I'd never feel the scruff on his chin tickle my lips when we kissed. Never again. I'd never see or feel any of that again. It was just Sweet Pea and I. For good.
I tilted my head and back to lean on the side of my house as I sat flat on my ass, giving up completely. Everything had just been taken away from then. Frank was probably turning himself in to the school in that very moment, because he was an honest person. And I respected him for that. He was going to confess to his huge fuck up of falling in love with someone who wasn't even eighteen yet. He was a courageous, and caring, and headstrong. He had every quality that any average person wished they could've posessed in themselves.
Sweet Pea nuzzled herself into my stomach, letting out a tiny ruff and relaxing into my hold on her. I gazed up at the top of the porch, wondering where everything went wrong as more and more tears of utter defeat spilled from my eyes. I was so zoned out and done with everything, that I barely noticed when Mikey stepped out of the front door and nearly screeched when he saw me on the ground with a rat looking animal in my lap.
"Gerard?" Mikey questioned softly, lowering himself next to me. I rolled my head over to him, giving him a look of self pity. He exhaled and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, letting me lean on him.
He squeezed me in his tight hold, "Don't ever leave us again."
I sniffed and kept crying. For once, he didn't insult me and let me soak his shirt with my tears. He didn't complain or push me off, he didn't even question the dog or the bag beside me. He eventuallt helped me to my feet, guiding me inside the door and taking my bag for me while I still kept Sweet Pea in my arms where she'd be safe.
"Um, Bert and Ray are here." Mikey said awkwardly as he closed the front door behind us. I shrugged.
"Mom and dad?" I asked hoarsely.
"Oh um, they're uh.." Mikey scratched the back of his neck and looked down at his sock covered feet, "They're at some thing with the head of the school board and the Sheriff. I'm sorry Gee. They wanna press charges. A lot of them."
I only nodded and made my way through the house. I heard muffled voices from the kitchen, that made Sweet Pea's little ears perk up at the sound. I pet the top of her tiny head and trudged through the doorway of the kitchen, ignoring the instant silence that fell over Ray and Bert when I walked in. I could feel their eyes on me as I set Sweet Pea on the floor and searched around the cupboards for a water bowl for her to drink from.
"Staring is rude." I sniffed.
I heard a few bodies shift while I rushed to the sink and filled up a bowl with water and placed it on the hardwood floor.
"Gerard?" I voice said calmly behind me. I turned only halfway to see Bert behind me, there was a worried look on his face. I found that ironic, it never really seemed like he had sympathy for anyone but himself.
"Why are you here?" I spat, watching Sweet Pea down her water.
"I wanted to make sure that you're okay. I care about you. We all care about you." He said gently and touched my shoulder delicately. I stared at him.
"Gerard, do you think you and I could talk, just you and I?" Bert whispered, not daring to get any closer to me, "I won't let Ray say anything to you. I know what happened and I want you to know that I don't think of you differently and by no means am I judging you in any way, shape or form."
I studied his face for a moment. I could've been shocked that the infamous Bert McCracken actually want to help someone else other than his own sorry douchebag ass. I was grateful for him then because he was talking to me like a normal human whilst Ray shot me death glares from where he was sitting at the kitchen table. He didn't get it. I didn't expect him to anyway. I looked back at Bert and nodded slowly, really not sure where this was going.
"Ray? Make sure the dogs alright." Bert said, then smiled at me sadly and calmly took my hand in his, leading me back into the musty living room that obviously hadn't been dusted since I left six days ago. Bert sat us down on the leather couch, the concerned look never leaving his face.
"How are you holdin' up?" He imparted plaintively.
I shrugged. Bert let out a deep breath and tugged a pack of cigarettes from the pocket of his jeans, pushing his greasy hair back, he pulled on from the box and stuck it between his teeth. I didn't really give a shit if he decided to smoke in my house at that point. I didn't really care about anything. He lit the cigarette and took a quick drag from it before turning his attention back to me.
"I know it sucks, Gerard." He told me with a passive sadness lining his raspy voice.
"How could you possibly know?" I snapped. Tears welled behind my eyes yet again.
Bert took another drag of his cigarette, his eyes sorrowful as he let out a large sigh. "I really care for you, you know that?"
"I can tell." I said.
He flicked his cigarette harshly and hit his knee, "But for fucks sake, Gee. You're so fucking stubborn. And you know that you're fucking stubborn, don't you? You take pride in it, right?"
I was silent.
"And listen, I'm sorry this is all happening to you. I'm so damn sorry. I could tell that you loved that guy, just from how you looked at him in class. I'm not judging you, I promise you that from the bottom of my asshole heart. I don't think love should have such a restricted limit as long as both partners are consenting." Bert held his cig tightly.
"Why are you doing this?" I rejoined suddenly.
"Doing what?" Bert asked.
"Being like this."
"I want to help you in any way that I can."
"Why?" I asked again, harsher than the first time.
"I just," His voice was on the edge of breaking as he pushed a strand of hair from his eyes, "I can't see you get hurt. You're not mine, Gerard. You'll never be mine, and it's fucking disgraceful for me to be this possessive over you right now. You don't deserve how much of a douche I am, honestly, you don't deserve anything that I've given you since we've known each other. I've never been the kindest to you, but when everyone said that you ran away, I got so upset and I felt like a pile of complete dog shit."
"It's fine." I breathed.
"I was worried."
"Okay."
"You're okay now, right?"
"No. He's gone."
"I'm sorry, Gee."
"It's fine," I repeated.
Bert left me alone after that. So did Ray and Mikey. I sat in my room just like old times, but I was accompanied by Sweet Pea thankfully. She had been keeping me busy so far, playing tug of war between us with a sock. She took my mind off things. She was the piece of positivitey I had I left.
My parents still hadn't come by time it was about 9pm. That was usual for them. I grabbed Sweet Pea in my arms yet again, making sure my bedroom door was closed before I strode over to my window and peaked out into the sky. The stars were out. All of them. For the first time in that day, I simpered every so slightly. Sweet Pea stuck her little tongue out and licked at my paw, "Your dad's lookin at those stars.Just like we are, right now." I told her barely above a whisper. At that point, I didn't care if I was talking to a damn dog. She was all I had left.
Mother and Father came home later that night. They were over dramatic, taking me into their arms and crying like there was no tomorrow. They acted like I had just returned from the fucking war. They made me explain everything to them, in which they wrote it all down. How I met Frank, when we became physical. Uncomfortable things. I didn't have a say in whether I answered or not, either. It was required under law that I answered them so 'Mr. Iero could be further questioned about the events that recently took place between him and I.'
Before I went to bed that night, I looked at the stars again. Every time you look at stars, it's like opening a door. You could be anyone in any place, you could be yourself at any moment in your life. You open that door and you realize that underneath everything you've thought you've overcome, it's still tucked under there to remind of how things used to be. Or how things started. Suddenly you're eleven years old again, riding your bike on your father's campground at night and there they are, those same fucking stars.They're the sense of reality where your world begins and ends. They make it feel like nothing ever stops happening.
I lay in my bed with Sweet Pea snoring next to me that night. I thought of Frank, I thought of everything we shared. How we kissed. How we laughed. And then, I made peace with it. He would have wanted me to. He would've wanted me to move on, just like Zacky wanted for him. That was okay with me, because I wanted him to move on too. Because I loved him. I loved everything he was and I loved everything he taught me. He was my sense of hope. The silk in my veins.
My yellow paint that would never fade away.

___


"I've loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night."
-Galileo

Notes

i didnt edit this haha that fucking sucked anyway but calm ur beans we still have epilogue left that ill either post tonight or tomorrow morning
anyway thank you so much for actually reading this because for once i actually finished a fic and didnt leave it high and dry which is fucking neato !! but im sobbing cause i got rlly connected to frank in this fic also hes not going to prison so calm urselves im not that mean :)))))
idk what else to say here except thank u, i didnt think anyone would read this shitty thing when i first wrote it cause im trash.
ill see u in the epilogue
lol bye xx