I Hate You, I Love You

It wasn't long before Big D tried to get my attention, but I pretended to be asleep and he eventually left. As soon as he did, I sat up and cried. I wanted more coke, my body was shaking and my mind was telling me that I needed more. What I actually wanted was to leave, but my car wasn't here. I didn't want to be around Big D anymore, I went up to the door and locked it. I wasn't sure if he was going to be checking on me but I needed time to think.

Before I could do that, my phone rang. I dived for it on the bed and answered without looking at the called ID.

“Hello?” I asked frantically. The line was silent, but I swore I could hear someone breathing. “Hello?” I asked again.

“I’m sorry that I called, I know it's early in the morning. I just cant sleep and-”“Gerard?” I asked.

“Yeah?” he asked.

“Wh-why... I need help,” I said, suddenly realizing that he could help me.

“Whats wrong?” he sounded serious.

“No need to pretend to be concerned, but I am somewhere I don't want to be and I need a ride back to my car.”

“Wait... what is going on Cory? Where are you?” I needed him and he was here for me. I burst out crying, the after effects of the coke was messing with me. I had to be dreaming, but I kept hearing Gerard say my name from my phone. Like he was actually concerned about me.

{fucked around and got attached to you}

“Cory!” I yelled into the phone. I was on my back porch, smoking a cigarette at 4:12 am, trying not to make a lot of noise. I wasn't expecting her to answer, but she did and here I am, trying to get her to stop crying. I was scared that she was hurt. I was scared that someone was preventing me from finding out where she was.

I was scared she was doing cocaine again.

“Gerard, are you really there?” I heard her ask.

“Yes, Cory. Please tell me where you are and I will come get you.”

She laughed, “A. You don't have a drivers card and; B. I don't know where I am and; C. You don't have a car. So to conclude: I am fucked,” she laughed hysterically.

“Cory, I have a car, I will come get you, just please tell me where you are!” I pleaded.
“I don't know. I went to the club... the one I used to go to. That is where my car is. I found Big D and he told me to get in his car and he took me to his house. He said he would drive me back, but I don't want to be around him anymore, Gerard.” She sounded so high.

“Okay, Cory, do you remember seeing anything on your way there?” I asked.

“He made a left out of the parking lot and I remember being in the nice part of town. Not the gated area, I don't remember a gate. Oh I can see out of this window, oh cool. Okay It faces the street, I cant see a street name, but there are three black cars in the driveway. Looks like a mailbox in the lawn...”“Can you see any numbers on the mailbox?” I urged.

“No, but I remember that it was the third house on the right.”
“Okay, so, left, nice ungated community, three black cars, three houses on right. Left, ungated, three and three,” I repeated. “Okay, Cory, I will be there as soon as I can, okay? I will text you when I get there and you can come out, okay?”

“Okay, thank you Gerard, so much thank you,” she hung up and I put my cigarette out.

I grabbed my coat and went up to Mikey’s room. I grabbed his keys and ran out of the house. I drove to the club and I saw Cory’s car. I pulled in and quickly made a u-turn, taking a left out of the parking lot. I kind of knew where Cory was saying she was. There was a nice, new, rich neighborhood, not far away from the club, it would make sense that they would live there. Also, it was close to the gated rich community.

I drove down a few streets and wasn't seeing three and three, but I wasn't losing hope. I would drive all through town if I had to to find her. I was nearing the end of the neighborhood when I saw three black cars in the driveway of the third house. I parked just before the house and pulled out my phone to text Cory. A few minutes passed before my phone started to ring.

“He’s in the livingroom,” Cory whispered loudly.

“Is there another way out?” I asked.

“I don't think so, the hallway goes to a dead end and the other way is right into the livingroom.”“So what should I do? Can you go through the window?” I had no idea what else to do.

“Let me try, if you don't see me in five minutes, thats a ‘no’ and you should knock on the door or something, I don't know,” she said and hung up before I could say anything else. I waited the five minutes and she didn't come out.

I sighed, turned off the car and got out. I walked up to the house and I saw Cory standing with her back to the window... Naked. I quickened my step and rang the doorbell. The door opened to reveal a tall, large muscled man. My stomach got tight.

“Can I help you?” he asked.

“I’m here to pick up Cory,” I said, trying to sound confident.

“You a cabbie?”

“No, I’m her friend. Please let me in,” I pleaded.

“Sorry, no one by that name is here-”
“Are you Big D?” I asked, suddenly remembering that she mentioned that name.

“Man, get off my property.” He tried closing the door but I heard Cory yell my name. I pushed past the guy that was now distracted and ran down the first hallway to my left and I saw a naked Cory standing outside a room.

“Cory what is going on?” the guy asked, right behind me.

“I want to go home,” Cory said quietly. She looked like hell, and I knew it was this guy’s fault. Anger built up in my stomach, I wanted to punch him.

“I could have driven you back to your car in the morning, baby girl,” he said, trying to push past me. I stopped him and stood in front of Cory, shielding her.

“She is coming with me now, she doesnt want to be here anymore. I’ve known her longer than you, I realize this is probably your house but we will just be grabbing her things and leaving.” I said, sternly.

He looked from me to Cory and back to me. “Cory, I can take care of you here. This is Gerard?,” he gestured to me, “You just told me he broke your heart. He was the reason you came to me. And you just want to leave with him? You are so high right now Snow White, that you are crazy, even for a druggie. Get the fuck out of my house,” he yelled. I narrowed my eyes and pushed Cory into the bedroom. She locked the door behind me.

Cory sat on the bed and I could tell that she was shaking. Her breasts had red streaks on them, and she smelled like come. I looked around the room and saw clothes everywhere. I started to pick them up and I handed them to her. She just stared at them. I sighed and sat next to her.

“You have to get dressed Cory. We need to leave. Do you need help?” I asked. She shook her head and found her underwear and put in on. She got her clothes on and I handed her her coat.

“I need my sweater.”

“I didn't see a sweater,” I said, looking around.
“Check the bathroom. I need it,” she begged. I stood up and checked the bathroom and I saw an old green sweater on the floor. My old green sweater. I couldnt believe that she still had it. That she still wore it.

I walked back out and she looked ready to go. I handed the sweater to her and she put it on. I looked her over and noticed she didn't have her shoes, but I didn't see them either.

“Where are your shoes?” I asked.

“By the front door,” she replied.

“Okay, do you have everything?” I asked. Cory checked her coat pockets and nodded. “Do you have anymore of the coke?”

“No, I did it all already,” she said, looking down.

I frowned, but I grabbed her hand and led her out of the room. There was a different guy in the living room, and he was keeping an eye on us as Cory put her shoes back on. I opened the door and grabbed her hand again and led her to the car. I opened the door for her and helped her in and then got in on my side.

{friends can break your heart too}

Gerard drove back to town without saying anything. I didn't know what to say. My head hurt, my emotions were out of whack and I didn't know why he helped me tonight. Or why he called me. I decided to ask.

“I don't know. I was just awake and I felt like you needed someone,” he said softly. My eyes teared up and I noticed we werent going back to the club.

“Where are you taking me?” I asked.

“Home. My home. I need to keep an eye on you apparently,” he wasn't looking at me.

“What about my car?”

“We will get it when you have had some sleep,” he responded.

“I don't want to go to your house,” I said flatly. He shot me a look and sighed.

“Why not?”“Jackie,” I shot back immediately.

“I’m going to break up with her. Cory, I am sorry that I hurt you,” I saw his grip on the steering wheel tighten, and he pulled out a cigarette.

“Mikey is going to kill you,” I chuckled.

“Probably. Want one?” he offered and I took one and lit it up.

“Can we go somewhere else?” I asked after taking a drag.

“Mikey will need his car in a few hours for work, and you need to sleep. So, no.” I sighed and took another drag. It was nearing six in the morning, my parents were going to notice my car being gone.

My dad wont care, but my mom will probably call me, asking where I am. I wanted to be dead on my bedroom floor 12 hours ago, but now I was confused and I needed to talk to Gerard. This was an unsolicited call for help. This could have been a suicide attempt if I wanted. But now, I didn't want that, I needed to figure out what I did want.

We got to his house and we sat in the car for a moment before getting out. We walked to the back porch, decided to sit out there and talk and wait for Jackie to get up at seven. We handed me another cigarette and we lit up.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

“Tired, but not tired. Depressed, craving. I want more so bad,” I said as I let out smoke.

{and i’m always tired but never of you}

“I’ll help you get through this, Cory. No more of this bullshit. I want you in my life again,” we locked eyes and I could tell he was being sincere. I missed him. “I want you to know that I am really sorry, I don't know why I pushed you out of my life. I didn't want to, I missed you everyday. I missed not talking to you or anything. I drove you out of Belleville. I drove you to do coke again.”

We sat quietly while I mulled over his apology. I finished my cigarette before I responded, “I accept your apology Gerard. But where do we go from here?”

“You know I love you, but I think we should just be friends. But I want to be more open to a future relationship. I miss you being my best friend,” he said, finishing his cigarette.

“I think right now, I am okay with that. I just want you back in my life. I want Mikey, Ray, and Frank in my life. I miss them so much,” I said, weakly. I wanted to lay down.

“It's almost seven, just stay out here and I’ll come get you when she is gone,” Gerard said and handed me the rest of his pack. I was thankful because the second he left I was shaking. I was so scared of what was going to happen.

I was holding an unlit cigarette in my hand and focusing on the ground when I heard Jackie yelling at Gerard. I quickly lit the cigarette and puffed on it fast. I heard her yelling something about cheating.

“Just pack what you need for a few days and leave Jackie. We will talk about when you can get the rest of your stuff later, but right now, you need to get out of my house,” I heard Gerard’s booming voice. That voice was rare.

A few minutes passed. I was about to grab another cigarette when the back door opened and I jumped.

“It’s just me,” Gerard said in a soft voice, “She is gone, come on.” I followed him into the house and he led me to his bedroom. “Do you want a change of clothes to sleep in? Or a shower? Why don't you take a quick shower?”

I nodded, “A shower sounds really nice actually.” Gerard got the water going for me and left me be. Halfway through my shower he brought me some clothes.

I was entering the final stage of my crash, I was craving so hard, and my body was working so hard to reject the crave. I didn't want to do it again. It was such a huge mistake. I got out of the shower and dried off.

Gerard had laid out a pair of boxers, and an oversized t-shirt from high school. I ran a comb through my hair the best that I could and pulled it back out of my face. I turned off the light and walked into the bedroom where Gerard was laying in bed. He was reading something with his Batman lamp providing dim light.

“How do you feel?” he asked.

“Better, but I need to sleep,” I replied. Gerard nodded and gestured for me to lay next to me.

“I can sleep on the couch if you would like,” he suggested. I shook my head no and climbed into bed next to him. I turned so my back was to him and I heard him turn his light off and get more into bed. “Is it okay if I hold you?” he asked.

“Yes,” I whispered and Gerard placed an arm around me. I closed my eyes and quickly fell asleep.

Notes

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