I Hate You, I Love You

I woke up to Gerard shaking me gently. I rolled over and looked up at his hazel eyes and groaned, I didn't want to get up yet. I didn't know what time it was but I knew that I didn't want to be awake.

“Hey, you’ve been asleep for awhile now, no one’s home if you wanna get up and get something to eat,” Gerard said softly. I groaned again and sat up. I went to the bathroom and when I got done I went to the kitchen where Gerard was waiting for me.

He placed a plate of food on the island for me and I started eating. The cravings were hitting me hard again and it was difficult to concentrate on Gerard talking to me. I think that he knew I wasn't listening because I stopped hearing him talk. The food tasted really good.

“What time is it?” I asked. I looked over and Gerard wasn't sitting next to me anymore. I looked around, he was on the couch watching TV. I bit my lip and walked over to him. “I’m sorry I wasn't listening to you. I heard you talking but I wasn't paying attention.”

Gerard was smiling up at me. “I wasn't talking to you, I told you that I would be watching TV if you needed me,” he rubbed his hand on the couch next to him. I sat down and he put his arm around me. “I would like to talk to you though, but when you are ready.”

“What time is it?” I asked again.

“Almost six in the evening. Are you still tired?”

“No, I feel fine,” I looked up at him and he looked down at me. Gerard leaned down and kissed my forehead. “What did you want to talk about?”

“Do you want a cigarette?” he countered.

“Uh, sure,” I said and we stood up. Gerard had washed my clothes and told me to change into them. I didn't want to, but they were the only clothes I had here and it was cold outside. I left the boxers on though.

I met Gerard outside and sat down in the empty plastic lawn chair. He handed me a whole pack of cigarettes and said I could have them. He waited until I had puffed on the cigarette before he started talking. At first it was some catching up, and then that lead to talking about last night.
“Cory, you arent going to go back to that place are you?” he asked.

“No, I’m not going to go back to Big D-”

“I meant mentally. Are you going to go back to wanting the drug or are you going to be okay?” Gerard cut me off.

“I don't know,” I thought for a moment, “I have no job and no where to live except with my parents. My dad is the reason I did it. It was just an added bonus that I felt like shit about myself and about us. He doesnt care about me. He doesnt want me there, he thinks I’m a freeloader. I don't know where else to go though,” I admitted. Gerard was quiet for a moment.

“We have the basement,” Gerard said quietly.

“No. No that is your practice area. I cant take that away from you,” I shook my head and lit another cigarette.

“It’s big enough to be both. There is already a bathroom down there and like half of the basement is not being used. I know you are thinking about rent and how you are going to pay for it, and don't worry about it. I know for a fact that the guys are not going to care about having you here while you look for work. Trust me,” Gerard insisted. I wanted to say yes. I would be closer to my friends, and closer to Gerard.

I wasn't sure if that was what I wanted right now. I had been chasing him for so long that it didn't feel right. But maybe us being more open about what we want, and living in the same place would mean that we would be together one day soon. But it could also turn out horrible. I decided to accept, it was better than living at home.

“Okay, we will bring it up to the guys and we will get your stuff tomorrow. But Cory,” Gerard’s voice got serious, “I hope that you never do that kind of stuff again. I will be here to help you now. You wouldnt like it if I did that kind of stuff, you know? Please, I care for you.”

{if i pulled a you on you, you wouldnt like that shit}

“I wont Gerard, I promise. I don't want to risk this,” I said.

“Good,” he replied and stood up, putting his cigarette out. I followed suit and put mine out. We walked into the house and the guys were home, watching TV. I sat back at the kitchen island while Gerard continued to the couch and got their attention. “Hey, I have a serious question for you guys.”

“What?” Frank whined as he turned the volume down. No one noticed that I was sitting behind them.

“Would you guys be okay if Cory moved into the basement?” Gerard asked, and it was quiet for a minute before Mikey let out a small chuckle.

“What are you talking about G?” he asked. Gerard looked up and into my eyes, causing Ray to follow and noticed me.

“Cory!” Mikey and Frank turned around and their mouths opened. Frank looked from Gerard to me, and then back to Gerard.

“Okay, someone explain what is going on, right now.” Ray demanded.

I didn't want to talk. I wanted to lay in bed and sleep or just not be in this situation. I think that Gerard noticed how uncomfortable I was and he got their attention off of me. He told them about last night, he told them about breaking up with Jackie, and reiterated how horrible my dad was treating me. I don't think that they needed convincing because they agreed to let me live in the basement, asking nothing in return.

I thanked them and told them I wanted to go to bed. Gerard led me into his bedroom and shut the door behind us.

“Are you okay Cory?” he asked. I sat on the bed, facing him.

“Yeah, I just want to sleep. I don't want to be around people,” I mumbled. Gerard reached over and tugged on the comforter and I stood up. He pulled it back and I sat back down.

“Do you want to undress?” he asked. I nodded, and noticed how close he was to me. I felt his fingers graze over my stomach as he helped me take my shirt off, revealing my bare chest.

Gerard wasn't looking though. He kneeled down infront of my and I stood up. He pulled my pants off, leaving the boxers on, and I could have sworn I saw a small smile on his lips. I sat back down and he put a hand on my kneecap for balance.

“Does that feel better?” he asked, softly.

“Yes, thank you,” I whispered. I laid down and Gerard pulled the covers over me. The sheets were cold.

Gerard leaned down and kissed my forehead and started to turn away but I grabbed his shirt and pulled him back down, putting my other hand behind his head and pulled him into a kiss.

“Cory-”

“I don't want to be alone,” I whispered.

{i put this reel out}

I pulled him closer and kissed him again, this time, he kissed back, but only for a moment. He pulled away again, and I didn't stop him. He didn't step away, but he was standing over me.
“We both aren't ready for that Cory. I’m sorry. I will stay in here with you if that is what you want. I can hold you again if that is something you want,” he offered.

{but you wouldn't bite that shit}

“No, it's okay, you’re right. I’m sorry,” I said, biting my lip.

“It's okay. If you need anything I’ll be in the living room, okay?” I nodded and he left, turning the light off as he shut the door.


One Week Later
It was awkward between Gerard and I again. Whenever we were left in a room alone together, neither one of us knew what to say. Well, I did. I wanted to tell him how badly I wanted him. But I knew that wasn't what he wanted. I didn't know how to be his friend. I paced around the basement, trying to think of things to say to him, or how to act around him. We really fucked this up. We werent ignoring each other. He wasn't mean to me. It was just... different.

I was all moved into the basement. My room being blocked off from the rest with a few sheets for privacy, but I almost always had them tied up. I had barely unpacked, I was scared I wasn't going to be here that long. Mikey brought me an old tv they used to use and put it in my room for me.

I was flipping through channels when I heard the door open and someone come down the stairs. It was Gerard.

“Hey,” he said, looking around the room.

“Hey,” I responded and went back to channel flipping.

“We are practicing in an hour, just reminding you,” he said. He hadnt moved from the bottom of the stairs, about 20 feet away from me.

“I remember,” I said, trying to make it not sound rude, “I’ll be upstairs by then.”

“Okay. Do you need help unpacking?” he asked, noticing my boxes.

“No,” I shrugged. I didn't know what else to say, and I kind of wanted him to leave. Or come make out with me.

“Okay. I’ll-uh... See you later,” he said, giving me an awkward, flat smile, and jogged up the stairs.

I turned the TV off, and threw the remote at a beanbag chair across the room. We really fucked this up. I texted Mikey and asked him to come downstairs. A few minutes later, the door opened, and Mikey came bouncing down the stairs with a smile on his face.

“Whats up, prisoner?” he asked flopping himself down on my bed. I cracked a smile and some tears fell down my face. “Oh shit, whats wrong Cory?”

“Gerard and I fucked up. We can't even have a conversation anymore. When we are alone, we just sit in silence, with one of us trying to start a conversation. I don't know why, but it’s just so awkward. It's like we don't even know how to be friends,” I wiped the tears off my face.

Mikey propped himself up on one arm and said, “Maybe you guys need to go on a friend date. Hang out outside of the house.”

“But how do I explain that without it sounding like a date?” I asked.

“I have the perfect idea. I’ll invite you and Gerard out with me for drinks after I get off work. Since Gerard can't drive, and you have a car, you two go together and when you get there, I’ll text either you or Gerard and say I got held up at work and I wont be able to make it,” he suggested.

“I guess that could work,” I said, looking down at my hands. I was suddenly nervous. We agreed to do it tomorrow and then Mikey hung out with me until practice. I went upstairs when everyone got down there and I watched TV in the livingroom.

I could hear them playing, and they were rattling the floor a little. The vibrations put me to sleep and I awoke to Frank shaking me.

“Cory! We’re going to go out for drinks, want to come?” he asked.

“Who’sgoing?” I mumbled, trying to figure out what was going on.

“We all are. Come on, get your shoes on, and we will go.” I rubbed my eyes and saw Mikey sitting in the chair.

“What’s going on?” I asked, finally comprehending the people in the room and where I was.
“Ray wanted to go out after practice,” Mikey shrugged.

“Oh man, we’ll have to take two cars!” Frank exclaimed, coming back into the room with my shoes and a pair of socks. Ray and Gerard entered the room and everyone was talking loudly. Frank was telling me to put my shoes on, and then started to bicker with Ray about the car situation. I heard Mikey say something to Gerard and I couldnt think.

“I don't want to go,” I said, dropping my shoes. I realized no one heard what I said because the room became silent after I dropped my shoes. I repeated myself and everyone stayed silent for another minute.

Frank was the first one to speak up, “Are you sure Cory? You havent been out of the house in a few days.”

“Yeah, I just thought we all might want to grab a drink and some dinner together. We havent all hung out in a while,” Ray said.

“We hang out every day,” Mikey retorted.

“Yeah but we never go anywhere.”

“I just don't want to go,” I said for the third time. “I don't feel like going anywhere. I’m going to make something to eat and go to bed. But you guys go and have fun,” I forced a smile. I stood up and walked to the kitchen and started to look in the cupboards. I heard them all whispering.

“I don't... alone. Someone has... been here... her,” was all I could hear Gerard say.

“She’ll be fine,” I heard Ray respond. I pulled out a pan and started making macaroni and cheese.

They said goodbye before they left and then I was alone. From what I just heard, the first time in a week. I ate my dinner at the island and stared at the blinking bar and the words: Text Message. The recipient was Gerard.

{i type a text but then i nevermind that shit}

I wanted to tell him how I felt. Maybe if we slept together we would get somewhere. We just had to get over this weird hump.

After eating, I watched TV in the livingroom. The door opened a few hours later and I heard I girl giggle. I turned around and saw Gerard stumbling around the hallway, drunk, with a girl, equally as drunk. I watched as they walked to his room, oblivious to my presence. The door opened again and the rest of the gang came in. Mikey sat down next to me.

“I’m sorry. There was nothing I could do.”

“It's okay, what could you have done?” I asked, my stomach turning.

Notes

I'm sorry about my absence. I started culinary school in February and its an 18 month program, so I will be busy with no real breaks until August 2018. Im on summer break (a week and a half) right now, and I hope to get at least one more chapter out before I go back. Im really sorry, but thank you for sticking with me!

I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

Please COMMENT, RECOMMEND, and SUBSCRIBE!!! I would really appreciate it :) <3<3<3
kj