I Hate You, I Love You

After I calmed down, I told him what I had just seen, and what happened with my dad. He even offered to help me fill out applications. He got dressed and we went to bug Frank into helping as well. We were hanging out in the living room, watching some TV and having a good time, when Gerard came out of his room.

“Can you guys keep it down a little, please? Jackie has a headache,” he told us.

“We arent being loud. The TV is at 20,” Mikey said.

“It's not the TV it's you guys talking. We’re trying to go to sleep for the night,” Gerard said in a harsh tone, and turned on his heel back to his bedroom.

We continued to talk and fill out applications, a little quieter. After about an hour, I forgot, and laughed, loudly. We fell silent and didn't hear anything so we talked quietly again. A moment later, we heard their door open, and the bathroom door slam shut. We stayed silent.

“Please shut the fuck up, your little witch laugh is so annoying,” Jackie said in a sheepish tone as she left the bathroom and slammed the bedroom door. We stayed quiet for the rest of the night.

I woke up before anyone else and I used the bathroom. I fixed my hair and went back out to the couch to lay down. I was playing on my phone when I heard Gerard’s bedroom door open. I quickly pretended I was asleep, regardless of who came out. I didn't want to deal with either of them. I heard someone in the kitchen and I assumed it was Gerard because they were making coffee. I heard a sigh and I knew it was Gerard.

“I still don't want her here anymore,” I heard Jackie say from the bedroom to the kitchen.

“There really isnt anything that I can do about it. She is the guy’s friend and they pay rent here, I cant exactly tell them they cant have a friend over anymore,” Gerard said.

“Yes you can. If you are not comfortable-”

“You are the uncomfortable one,” Gerard said in a flat tone. I heard coffee being poured and it was quiet for a minute. “I love you Jackie, you know that. No one is coming in the way of us baby.”

Tears had been welling and they finally fell. They hadnt been dating that long and they were already saying that they loved each other.

{you want her, you need her}

“You are more beautiful than any person in the whole world, my love,” Gerard said in a softer voice.

“I love you so much Gerard. Now come on, we are going to be late for work,” Jackie said and walked into the living room. I quickly and stealthly covered my face so she couldnt see my tears. They left and I cried to myself.

{and i’ll never be her}

I was laying on my back in bed, Jackie was to my left, snoring. I had my arm behind my head and my phone in my other hand.

{i miss you when i cant sleep}

I stared at my phone, open to my conversation with Cory. I wanted to text her, maybe even call her. I missed her voice. It had been atleast a week since she had come over last. Atleast since I’ve seen her here. It had been months since we had last texted. It was killing me, but I was doing it for our own good. I cant be with her.

Jackie is the woman that I love. It sounded like a joke. Jackie, she was so annoying sometimes, with her high pitched voice and her harsh words. I sometimes wished that she was my fuck buddy, and that Cory was who was laying in my bed with me. It killed me that I messed up our chances of being together.

“Hungry baby?” Jackie asked. I shook my head and stared at my coffee. She made food for herself and I continued to wish that it was Cory that was making food. I might be hungry then.

I took a sip of my coffee and gagged. “This coffee is horrible,” I said, pushing my cup away from me.

“Whats wrong with it?”

“Bitter with a side of stale,” I responded.

“Didn't you just make this coffee?” Jackie asked, looking confused. I shook my head. “Guess it's from yesterday, sorry baby,” she said and kissed my cheek.

“It’s fine. I’m not feeling too good, Im not going to work today,” I said and got up from the island.

“Okay, I’ll call for us both,” she said.

“No, just me,” I said and walked to the bedroom to call work.

{or right after coffee, or right when i cant eat}

I called Cory. And then hung up. I sat on the bed and put my head in hands. What would I say? She hated me, I could tell. She hadnt come over, nor contacted me. I knew that that was my fault. I put up a brick wall and pushed her out of my life, all because I didn't know how to tell her that I loved her. Why was it that it is so easy for me to be with Jackie, but I cant be with the girl that I have wanted since freshman year of highschool?

Jackie got ready for work and left, giving me a kiss as she went. I walked to the garage and stared at my old Rolls Royce that my grandpa gave me before he passed. Cory and I would sit in there and smoke weed in high school. She always said that it was helping get the cigar smoke out of it from Grandpa.

I walked to the door and opened it. It still reeked of cigar smoke. I sat down in the driver’s seat and ran my fingers over the steering wheel. Sometimes I wished that I had my driver’s license still. I would actually drive this car. I would spend the money and have it fixed and looking perfect. Then Cory and I could dress up and drive around, smoking a joint through town.

{i miss you in my front seat}

A tear fell down my cheek. I wiped it away as the garage door opened, revealing my oldest friend, Ray.

“You should just sell it,” he said as he opened the passenger side door. “You could get so much money.”

“I don't want the money,” I said quietly.

“No, you just want what you had but let it slip through your fingers. Gerard, I love you bro, but get rid of Jackie. You and Cory-”

“Ray, it's not that simple. I know that Cory hates me. She hasnt come over since Jackie made her feel unwelcome. I heard Mikey and Frank talking and they said that she is living with her parents. I know that her dad is probably giving her loads of shit. She would rather be at her parents’ house, getting yelled at about every move she makes by her dad, than to be here and risk seeing me,” I wiped my eyes and I swear my heart was hurting. I opened the car door and got out, Ray following me. I walked back through the house to the porch and lit up a cigarette.

“Maybe you need to stop being such an ass to her,” Ray said sternly. I turned to look at him and blew smoke out at him.

“I don't know how to act around her... I don't know how to be her boyfriend. It's either sex, or it's arguing.”

“Because you havent chosen to love her,” Ray patted my shoulder and turned to go back in the house. “Maybe just loose Jackie and don't worry about getting Cory, I don't think that she is going anywhere.”

Notes

Thank you for your support :)