Safe Haven

I couldn't breathe and I couldn't talk. I was shocked. What did he just say to me?


His eyes scanned my face and along with his hand they slid down to my neck where I could feel Hayley's necklace resting against my skin. He picked up the key and studied it for a second before clenching his jaw and letting out a heavy sigh. He was close enough to me that I could see the storm of emotions behind his eyes.


Exactly how close was he with my sister?


As if a sudden realization crossed Gerard's mind, he dropped the necklace and loosened his grip on me. He cleared his throat as he let me sit up a little.


"I -" was all he managed to stutter out whilst avoiding my gaze, dropping his now glassy eyes to the carpet. I still wasn't saying anything, too stunned to even think of a formulation of the right question. And believe me, there were many that I needed to ask right now. Beginning with why he took my pills, then why he acted like an asshole, and finally to how well he actually knew Hayley.


As these thoughts flooded my head, I suddenly realized that he could potentially know something that I didn't. Did he meet up with her before that night in January? What if he had something to do with it? But then again, he didn't even know that she was dead when he arrived.


I was preparing myself to say something, anything, when the door burst open.


"Yo, Ray is waiting for you... Kayley?" Mikey's confused face hushed my thoughts away almost immediately. "What are you doing here," he eyed me up and down, still standing in the doorway, "in your pyjamas?" He suddenly looked at his brother, frowning, before shooting his gaze back to me again.


I didn't have to bother answering as Gerard stole the show by quickly gathering some of his stuff, including a few notepads and pencils, and stuffing it into his bag. Without giving me another glance or a word, he stormed out, his feet banging against the stairs as he ran away from the awkward situation. Once again, I was left with no answers and to make it more interesting, now I had even more questions to ask. I was standing in the middle of his room, lost in thought, x-raying the surface of his desk which was scattered with graphite and brushes. It hadn't changed much since the last time I was here.


The way he touched me. The way he looked at me. The way he held the necklace. That's nowhere near normal friendship behaviour. I reminded him of her. But what exactly did she mean to him? How would the two of them become even close to developing something like feelings for each other? Sure, Hayley had those feelings for him for years. But Gerard? I was pretty sure he didn't acknowledge her existence ever since he left high school.


"What was all that about?" I forgot that Mikey was still here. How am I going to explain this to him? Could I ask him? No, I wanted to hear it from Gerard himself.


"I'm sorry, last night I forgot, uh." I turned to face him again, scratching my head awkwardly.


"Forgot what?" Mikey pressed, not buying my bullshit whatsoever. I shrugged, giving up on making up excuses. "Kayleigh." He sighed, walking over to me. "This is not what I meant when I said that the two of you could get along." He spoke slowly. The seriousness in his voice made me shiver.


"What are you even talking about, Mikey?" I folded my arms on my chest, hoping he wasn't going to start with what he said yesterday morning.


"Kay, you know what I'm talking about." He hissed. "I'm telling you, you're gonna get hurt if you don't stop this right now."


"But I'm not doing anything, Mikes!" I sighed, exasperated. Damn you Gerard! For making my life so damn complicated!


"You're in his room wearing your pyjamas at half eleven on a Wednesday morning. Tell me, did you spend the night again?"


"No!" I shouted, waving my arms in the air dramatically, when I realised what he just said. "Wait a minute, half eleven? Shit!" I exclaimed as I ran out of Gerard's bedroom, making my way to the front door. Gerard and his friend were already long gone. "Sorry, Mikey, I'm gonna be late on my first day!" I was already half way across the street when I turned around to see my best friend looking at me with concern as I sprinted barefoot back to my house. "I'll talk to you later, I promise!" I'm not sure what I wanted to talk about or if I wanted to talk to him at all. It was his brother that I needed to have a chat with.



I don't think I've ever gotten ready so fast in my life. I ran out of my house following the directions that my mum gave me the night before. It must have been two minutes to twelve when an elongated rectangular building came into my view. I was about four or five blocks away from our house and I was speeding towards the glass door. Underneath it rested a massive neon sign that read "Harley's Diner". Here we go.


I was so out of breath from all the running that I didn't have enough time to be anxious about this shift. I pushed the door open, taking in the interior. The shiny floor resembled a gigantic chess board. There were deep red leather seats in the booths and the stools on the bar were covered with the same material. Everything was so shiny and polished to perfection. As I began to catch my breath, subtle rock'n'roll music made its way into my ears. It must have been something like Be Bop A Lula from Gene Vincent, the one that my dad used to listen to in his car whenever he drove me somewhere.


There were a few people scattered around the diner, a guy with a baseball cap at the bar, a young couple hiding in the booth in the corner at the back doing what appeared to be them making out and a middle-aged mum with two slightly overweight kids not that far away from me who were, of course, stuffing their faces with ice-cream and waffles.


Looking around the diner, I soon realized why it was called "Harley's". Silly me for thinking it was named after a comic book character. There were pictures of motorbikes and trophies all over the place. Behind the bar, there was a massive wall painting of the infamous 1960's photo with Brigitte Bardot sitting on a Harley Davidson. I knew nothing about motorbikes, but this Eddie guy was surely in love with them.


"Hi, welcome to Harley's diner, how can I help?" A polite voice came from behind me. I turned around and saw a young guy in his early twenties, smiling at me from behind the bar. He was wearing a deep red uniform with the diner's logo on it. This only meant that I would have to get one too. Fantastic.


"Hey, I came here for my trial shift." I replied with much less enthusiasm than he spoke with.


"Oh, you must be Kayleigh, right?" I nodded, considering darting for the door and running away before it was too late. "I'm Jake, just give me one minute," he smiled whilst scanning the restaurant. "Eddie!" Jake shouted towards the back of the bar where a robust man with a bushy beard appeared out of nowhere. He was wearing a biker vest and both of his arms were inked with endless ornaments and flames and whatnot. I shrank into myself a little at the sight of him but when his eyes found me he grinned widely and made his way towards me.


"Well, if it isn't Lizzy's daughter. My gosh, you look just like her." His voice boomed across the diner. I don't understand what made him say that since the only thing that I inherited from my mum were my lips and the shape of my face. She was brunette, my hair was ashy blonde. I guess he was just being polite. If I was half as pretty as my mum, I'd be very satisfied with myself. He stopped right in front of me and examined my face, still wearing that toothy smile. "Welcome to Harley's, I'm Eddie." He offered his hand to shake. I took it and introduced myself, using all my might to pull a smile on my lips. He seemed like the kind of a guy who is terrifying to look at but most probably has a heart of gold. When he took me in the back of the diner to give me my uniform, he told me about how him and my mum were good friends in high school and that they were still in touch after all those years. Apparently we had met before but I must have been too young to remember. He also mentioned how terrible he felt when he found out about what happened to our family, however, I wasn't entirely sure how to react to that. I just cringed inwardly and kept my mouth shut.


The menu, taking orders, serving drinks and food along with taking payments to top it all off. All those things were explained to me within fifteen minutes. I was shaking. This was too much human contact at once, too much talking with strangers and simply too much to learn. I very soon realized that I wasn't very fond of carrying trays either.


As the shift kept dragging on, somehow I managed to break about five glasses and to top it all off I messed up three orders. There's no way Eddie would keep me after this. Why am I still here? Knowing that I couldn't go and simply take my magic pills to calm me down made it a thousand times worse. The only thing that kept me sane during this seven hour shift was Jake. That guy actually turned out to be pretty cool. He also happened to speak fluent sarcasm which cheered me up whenever I wanted to give up and go home. Luckily, he also didn't interrogate me about why I was wearing a long sleeve underneath my uniform when it was about a thousand degrees outside.


I've never worked in my life and the long hours on my feet really started getting to me. Three girls around my age were sitting in front of me, quickly scanning the drinks menu. I walked over to them, eyes glued to my paper pad, ready to write down their order. "Hi, can I get you any drinks?" My voice must have sounded tired and bored. The girls were still deciding but I knew that they would order three cokes anyway, just like the majority of customers that I have served today. I wasn't paying much attention to them until one of them spoke up.


"Sorry, are you Kayleigh? Kayleigh Sutcliffe?" Upon hearing my name, I looked up over my paper pad, confused and curious.


"Yeah, that's me." I replied hesitantly. The girl who asked was looking at me with a surprisingly friendly expression. She had long brown hair and big bright eyes. Although she seemed a bit familiar, I didn't recognise her face.


"I'm Jessica," she gave me a genuine smile and that's when I remembered, "I'm -"


"Frank's girlfriend." I finished for her. "I remember you from your graduation. Amazing speech, by the way." I smiled back. Gosh, was she pretty. It's people like her that make me feel like I'll never find anyone who would simply stumble over me with their eyes.


"Thanks. I've heard so much about you, it's really nice to finally meet you." My heart flattered at that. Although I didn't hang out with the boys for ages, Frank still talked about me.


"Likewise. Last time we saw each other it wasn't exactly the best opportunity to introduce myself properly." I said remorsefully with a smile, remembering Frank's party and how I walked in on them in his bedroom.


Jessica went beetroot red and put her head in her hands. "Oh no, that was so embarrassing." The other two girls cringed supportively. They obviously must have heard that story from her.


She looked like a great girl. I was honestly very happy for Frank. She seemed like the exact opposite of him, innocent and humble. "Anyway," she looked at me again, grinning, trying to change the topic. "It's so cool that you're working here. Will you get us a discount?" She wiggled her eyebrows at me jokingly. Okay, I take back what I said. She's exactly like Frank.


I explained that it was only my trial shift but that if I got the job, in the future I would definitely get them a discount. I then went to get their three cokes and they wished me good luck with the rest of the shift. Luckily, they happened to be my last table to serve as Eddie called me for a word into his office not long after.


"So, what do you think? Do you like it here?" He asked me casually, sitting in his chair, motioning for me to do the same.


"Shouldn't I be asking if you liked me?" I laughed, taking my apron off.


"Oh, come on, Kayleigh. This was just a formality. Of course you get the job." Eddie didn't even look at me when he said that. He was digging through his drawers, pulling out a form and a purple pen. Really, a purple pen? "Let's get the paperwork over with and settle on the days you want to have as your shifts."


Wow, I didn't think that it would be this easy. Life is all about contacts, isn't it? Mum is going to be pleased, I'm sure. I told Eddie that I only wanted to work about three days a week so that I would have enough time to prepare my application for university. That was of course bullshit but my mum never specified how many days I had to work every week so I simply took the situation in my own hands. Three days will do. I signed the forms, gave him all of my details and thanked him for having me. Even though I couldn't be bothered working this summer, Eddie was a good guy and I promised myself that those three days a week I would work hard and try my best to be a good employee. Apparently I was allowed to eat as many fries and drink as much coffee during my breaks which I found pretty motivating as well. Plus I'd totally welcome some extra money right now.



Satisfied with myself but also absolutely shattered, I left the diner, waving Jake a goodbye. My feet were aching and all I wanted to do was to lie down and not get up for the rest of the day. It must have been around eight o'clock but luckily it wasn't too dark for me to walk home. Jersey at this time of the day wasn't exactly the kind of a place you wanted to hang around and I was glad that this job would be over once school starts again. As soon as I arrived home, I aimed for the bed, simply announcing to my parents that I got the job, ignoring their questions and hushed arguments after I went upstairs into my room.


I fell onto the bed, still wearing my uniform. I was beyond exhausted but my mind kept running a thousand miles an hour. It felt like those times when you're ill and have a high temperature and you're trying to sleep but you can't turn off the most random thoughts flooding your head. My brain seemed to be mixing everything from the previous few days together. Scenes of the stress in the diner were playing in my head along with the conversation that I had with Mikey and Frank the other day. My parents arguments were ringing in my ears at the same time as Jessica's voice from earlier. There was also Gerard. All those question marks surrounding this guy were screaming at me, begging for answers. And then there was my sister. I saw it all again, everything she put me through. Once my mind reached the point of thinking about her, it became too much and my head simply shut off. The noise stopped and I drifted off, escaping from the reality.


When I opened my eyes again, everything was pitch black. I tried to get up but groaned loudly instead. My neck was stiff and aching from sleeping in an incredibly awkward position. I literally slid off my bed, landing on the soft carpet with a subtle thud. Rubbing my eyes, I squinted at the alarm clock on my nightstand, shocked to find out that it was only after half two in the morning. I must have slept for at least five or six hours which for me was above average. You see, normally I go to bed really late and then I get up at the same time as any other normal person would. Now that it was the other way round I didn't know what to do with myself. Everything around me was quiet. I couldn't go and watch the TV, knowing that my parents would come and tell me off for waking them up on a working day. I wasn't in the mood for reading either. Even if I could go out without waking up my parents, it's not like there was much to do in Belleville at two thirty in the morning. Getting mugged maybe.


I stood up and realized that I was still wearing my uniform. I tried to find my home clothes but it was too dark for me to recognise my surroundings so I shuffled over to my desk to turn the lamp on. There was a wide window right in front of my desk and as I was leaning over for the switch, my eyes caught a movement outside, making me jump slightly. I quickly retracted my hand from the lamp, glad that I didn't attract any attention by turning it on.


Outside across the road, there was a tall shadow leaning against our neighbour's porch. The street lamp was giving off a dim light, revealing a cloud of smoke coming from the spot they were sat on. I recognised him immediately. He was wearing his signature leather jacket, hunched over, puffing on his cigarette. Does this guy never sleep or what? Standing by the window, I found myself observing him carefully as he sat there quietly, enjoying his own company. He was a strange person and I had to admit that he intrigued me. Staring at him like that secretly, I let my mind go back to this morning when he was looking at me in a way that no one else has ever looked at me.


Determined to find out what his deal was and to get my meds back, I prepared myself for something I haven't done since I was about fourteen. The last time that I sneaked out of our house was to go to Mikey's who had a sleepover with Frank but I wasn't allowed to go for whatever reason. Our front door made this annoying noise that travelled through the walls and would alarm my parents that I had left the house, leaving me with no other option. Luckily enough, the roof of our garage was literally right next to my window, offering me an easy escape route.


With my heart beating wildly in my chest, I opened the window silently, keeping an eye on Gerard, making sure he wouldn't walk away as soon as he saw me coming over. However, once my feet landed on the top of our garage, his head snapped in my direction. I froze when our eyes met for a second and to my surprise, he didn't make a move. He kept his eyes on me with an expectant expression, slowly breathing out more smoke. I don't know why I thought that he would get up and leave before I got to him. Probably because walking out on me is all he's been doing recently. I hopped off the garage and feeling his gaze on me, I prayed that I didn't land flat on my face. Although it has been many years since I last left the house this way, I still managed to land softly and almost inaudibly.


It was a peaceful night, the only thing we could hear were the cars from a nearby road. I was marching towards him, having a battle with myself about how to open this conversation. Of course, Gerard didn't wait for what I had to say. I was a few meters away from him when his rusty voice pierced the still night air.


"Nice landing." He mumbled over his cigarette, clapping slowly. I ignored his remark, walking as close to him as possible.


"I think you owe me a few answers." I tried to sound confident but as I stopped right in front of him, his curious gaze made my determination falter a little. He eyed me up and down and didn't say anything for a few seconds.


"Where do you work?" He motioned towards my uniform. Last time I saw him, I was wearing my pyjamas. This guy must be thinking that I don't have any normal clothes.


"Harley's." I replied sternly. He's not supposed to be asking me anything. It's my turn to ask.


"Quinn?" He retorted, raising his eyebrows.


"No, Davidson. Now tell me what the hell your problem is." I snapped and clenched my jaw, wrapping my arms around my torso, trying to keep myself warm in the chilled night air.


"Whoa, calm down, princess -" He laughed, putting his arms up in a defensive manner but I cut him off.


"I don't understand, Gerard. You ignored me for years and now you seem to enjoy bothering me on every occasion you see me, and by taking those pills you went too far." It felt good finally saying out loud what I have been thinking for ages but my words didn't seem to affect him. If anything, he was amused by my little outburst.


"And what makes you think that I'm doing all this for a reason?" He asked with a mocking tone. "How do you know that I'm not just being an asshole?"


"That's what I had been thinking ever since you came back. What you said to me this morning made me reconsider a few things though." I watched his smirk disappear, knowing that I hit the right string.


He narrowed his eyes at me, blowing a great amount of smoke in my direction. I tried not to flinch at that gesture and stood my ground. "So what is your theory, Dr. Freud?"


"That you knew my sister better than I thought and now you're taking everything that happened to her out on me." I surprised myself with how honest I was but I couldn't take it back now. Gerard was staring daggers at me, standing up straight on their porch steps. Towering over me like that, I took a step back, not feeling comfortable in that position. I definitely awoke some strong emotions inside of him.


"I didn't know her any better than you." He said darkly, throwing the cigarette somewhere behind me onto the pavement. "The Hayley I knew would never do that."


"But she did it." I whispered not trusting my voice. It turned out that my honesty affected not only Gerard but also myself. I didn't talk about her very often, and a conversation like this brought me to the edge of keeping my shit together. Looking at Gerard, he must have felt the same. They were close to each other and I couldn't believe it. I wanted to know more about their friendship. About her. He kept his gaze on me, motionless. I took his silence as a cue to ask away but I think I pushed my luck with Gerard when I blurted it out all at once. "Did you see her around that time? Did she say anything? I'm sure she trusted you more than -"


"I don't want to talk about this." He barked sharply, quieting me immediately. I nodded curtly and let my gaze drop to the pavement in embarrassment. Once again, I felt tiny in his presence. Only Gerard could make me feel this way. He sat down on the porch steps, sighing heavily.


"I'm sorry." I heard him say after a while. "Naturally, you'd want to know more. Especially after what she put you through." I was shocked to hear those words coming from him. Empathy wasn't Gerard's strongest quality. "Is it true?"


"Is what true?"


"That you were the one who found her." He whispered as if saying it too loud would make it any more real than it already was. Shivers ran down my spine at that question, we were getting pretty deep with this conversation. Gerard peeked at me from under his mess of black hair, waiting for my response. Unable to formulate a comprehensive answer, I nodded subtly. There was a minute of silence and I decided to sit down next to him after I realised that my answer was a confirmation to him that all that happened was in fact reality.


"What -" he opened his mouth but was unable to form a suitable question, although I knew exactly what he wanted to ask. This was exactly like that one time when he gave me a ride, "how-"


"It was in her bathroom." I made it easier for him, not letting him finish the sentence. He had the right to know, I hated the rumours circling the town. "We were alone, she waited for our parents to be out of town." I was staring at her bedroom window, trying to block out some of the gruesome images that started flooding my memory. Gerard was silent, listening to me eagerly. You could literally cut the tension with a knife.


"I don't know how long she had been lying in that bath for but I tried -" my voice started breaking and I swear that Gerard stopped breathing for a few seconds. I haven't said these words since the night the paramedics arrived at our house. "I tried to tie the wounds together anyway." Tears were staining my cheeks now, the painful reality hitting me hard once again. "Clearly, it took me too much time to get there." I added, wiping my eyes with the back of my sleeve. "It's not like it would do any help anyway. Somehow she managed to cut her skin open at many different places. There's no way -"


"Stop." I turned to look at him from the corner of my eye. His voice was so quiet, as if he was running out of breath. I didn't even realize that he was crying until I properly looked at him. "I think that's enough for one night." He connected our eyes once again, his lips parted, releasing shaky breaths in short intervals. His hand travelled into his pocket, searching for another cigarette. Just like that, he cut the conversation and for once, I was grateful for that.


And so he sat there with me at three o'clock in the morning, smoking cigarettes, letting our tears dry in the night breeze. We were both embracing the silence surrounding us, missing the one person that was never coming back. It hurt. And it hurt a lot. As selfish as it sounds though, it was nice knowing that someone else was feeling the same pain as me. Not as a parent but as a friend. And I knew that this was not the end. Gerard would come for more. He wanted to know more but he was scared of the truth. For what reason - I didn't know yet. He left me with no answers once again.


"Gerard?" I broke the silence after what felt like forever. "Can I have my meds back?" I wanted them. I needed them. At least for tonight. He didn't even look at me.


"No."


"Why?" I whispered, letting more tears escape my wet lashes.


"Because you're not ill. And neither was she."








...

Notes

Thank you so much for your patience and all the lovely comments!!!! Hope you like the new chapter, I'm already working on another one, finally I have time to write again!
Soooo the exams are over and I promised myself that if I pass all of them, I'll buy myself a new Les Paul - probably won't happen though.
Anyway, within the last two weeks I went to TWO concerts - I saw Frank Iero and the Patience and a week before that I went to see Green Day. Lets just say that I'm not over it just yet....