Safe Haven

Sometimes I look back and think that it's a miracle that I'm still here. That after everything that happened in the last few months, here I am, making drinks in my new summer job, still alive and still miserable. I still haven't come across anything that would convince me to take a more positive outlook on the world. I was just waiting for the right opportunity to end my awful excuse of a life.


After last night's conversation with Gerard, everything came back to me. All the memories, the feelings, the pain. I didn't understand what exactly he meant by what he said to me. He didn't give me any explanation, living up to his mysterious reputation. He went to bed shortly after, leaving me more confused than ever. It didn't take me long to realize that I was in a desperate need of relief. I couldn't just switch those thoughts off. They don't teach you that in the psychiatric ward. Oh, but guess what, I didn't have my pills either. Mister know-it-all got rid of all of them, being the hero of the day, trying to prevent me from becoming dependent on them or whatever it was that he was doing. It looks like it was too late for that anyway. Why did he care so much all of a sudden? Was he feeling bad about what happened to Hayley so now he tried to somehow save me? Why would he? We haven't seen each other in years.


Those thoughts made me extremely irritated and the entire day was dragging on. I was waiting for Jake to come in at three to take over my shift for the rest of the day. I was feeling awful, finding it very hard to offer the customers as little as a polite smile. When Jake finally arrived, I grabbed my bag, clocked out and made a run for the door. I needed fresh air and some proper space around me. Once I was out, I sighed heavily, rubbing my temples slowly in an attempt to calm down when I heard a voice, that out of all voices it was one that I wanted to hear the least.


"Wow, looks like someone had a bad day at work." I turned around to see Gerard leaning against the hood of his car, putting down what appeared to be a take-away coffee cup, squinting his eyes in the mid-summer sunshine so that he could get a better look at me.


"What are you doing here?" I groaned, slowly walking towards him.


"Waiting for you." He replied casually.


"What? Why?" I didn't wait for his answer as another question popped in my head. "How did you know when I was supposed to finish today?"


"I bumped into your mum this morning when she was leaving for work. She was saying how she had to stay in late tonight. She felt bad that you'd be on your own all day since you finish at three." He chuckled at my horrified expression. Wow, thanks mum. Did she not realize that maybe I wanted to be on my own for the rest of the day? "Anyway," he continued, "I wanted to talk to you-"


"Well, I'm not in the mood for talking so... have a nice day." With that I started walking off, shocked at my own words. I was having a really bad day and it was his fault. I needed to turn my mind off and I couldn't. The last time I've gone this long without taking my meds was when I left them in his car. That was four days but I sure as hell wasn't in such a state of mind. The fact that it was like a billion degrees outside wasn't helping either. I really needed to get changed into something more summery. These long sleeves were driving me insane in this weather.


"Jesus, what is it with you today?" I felt a tug on my arm. I tried to shrug him off but he spun me around to face him, holding me in place.


"I'm feeling crap, Gerard, and it's all your fault!" I shouted, hoping that none of my colleagues could see or hear me. " I'm not sure who you think you are but you are sure as hell not helping me. If you didn't steal my meds, I could have been feeling numb by now." I added in a hushed tone.


"And you'd want that?" He looked at me incredulously, making me sigh in exhaustion.


"Quit being a hypocrite. You're stocked up with antidepressants yourself so I don't know what you're trying to accomplish here." He paused at my statement, not expecting me to bring that up.


"Tha - that's different." He stuttered, making me snort.


"Oh please, enlighten me." I said mockingly, watching him roll his eyes.


"Look I just want to talk to you about... you know." He trailed off, letting go of me. "You caught me on a bad day last night." He explained and sighed, waiting for me to say something. I stood there for a second, contemplating my next action. I don't know - should I feel bad for him? Frank said that he's had it tough recently, maybe I should have been more understanding yesterday. I knew that he would come and ask more questions but he hasn't answered mine yet so why should I listen to him? "Come on, I'll drive us to-"


Nope. I was not getting in that car with him ever again.


"Ugh, just give me a break, Gerard." I shook him off and crossed the road, heading in the direction of my house. For a good minute I thought that he'd leave me be but then I heard the sound of an engine getting closer and closer to where I was speed-walking on the pavement.


"Kayleigh, you're being ridiculous." I heard his voice coming from aside. I turned to see him driving with all windows rolled down, leaning across the front seat to get a better look at me through the passenger's window. I ignored him completely. He was calling me ridiculous? I was honestly getting fed up with this guy. "Just get in the car!" Driving at the speed of a snail, soon enough there was a car behind him, honking like there was no tomorrow. Gerard simply stuck his left arm out of the window, signalling the driver behind him to overtake him. The other car sped off down the street, leaving us alone once again.


"Look, I even got an iced coffee for you." I inconspicuously peeked to my left to see him holding out a take-out coffee cup, smiling and shaking it slightly for me to see. God damn it, I'd love some iced coffee right now! "Kayleigh, please!" He pleaded, keeping his eyes on me and the road at the same time, but I still kept walking fast, arms folded on my chest. After a few seconds of him driving next to me, I heard him sigh heavily.


"Okay, I'm sorry." I stopped abruptly to get a proper look at him. Did he really just apologize? I could see the shock in his eyes when I paused walking, making him slam on the breaks which sent him fast forward onto the steering wheel. I was hoping that he'd take my silence as a clue to elaborate on his last sentence.


"You were right, I was an asshole to you ever since I came back." He was watching me intently, trying to decipher my reaction, however, I'm pretty sure that I was still wearing the same angry expression as I did minutes ago. "You didn't deserve any of it. And I know that I had no right to take your meds like that but trust me, I was only trying to help." I pursed my lips, considering his apology. It's not like I'd get my meds back any time soon but being angry at him just wasn't going to get us anywhere either. "I'm really sorry Kayleigh. Let me take you somewhere so that we can talk about this."


I nodded my head and to my own and Gerard's utter surprise, I walked over to the passenger's seat and hopped in. The smell of tobacco engulfed me as I was buckling my seatbelt, hoping that I wouldn't regret getting in. He didn't say anything for a moment, he simply smiled at me but it wasn't that typical smirk of his, it was a genuine smile that made his eyes look softer. Not sure about what to say, I reached my hand towards him, pulling the take-away cup out of his grasp. For some reason, this made his smile widen as he put the car into motion again.


"I want to get changed out of my uniform before we go anywhere." I informed him before taking a sip of the chilled heaven in the cup. Gerard simply nodded, and by the time he parked in front of both our houses, I finished my drink, feeling much better than I had done just minutes ago. I guess the ice-cold temperature of the coffee did its magic in the end.


"I'll be quick." I said running out of the car, my ears catching Gerard muttering something under his breath in response. Once inside the house, I paused running, taking my time. I went upstairs into my room, taking the sweaty uniform off, finally cooling down. I splashed my face with a bit of water to refresh myself and then I proceeded to put on a navy summery dress and a light cardigan over it to cover myself up. Tying my hair up in a high pony tail to prevent the heat spreading down my neck, I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't wearing the dress to feel more presentable in his presence. I didn't care about what he thought about me. Right?


Grabbing a few dollars that I earned on tips this morning, I went back to his car to find him smirking at me once again. He was acting weird today and I chose to ignore it. Wherever it was that he was taking me, the conversation we were going to have was going to be hard and just odd. We still didn't know each other any more than just neighbours and yet we were about to touch the most sensitive and personal topics one could possibly come up with.


"This is it?" I asked when I noticed Gerard parking on the side of a street not far away from our homes. "We could have walked."


"This is America, sweetheart," he uttered. "People don't walk." With that he was out of the car, leading the way towards a coffee shop that I used to go to after school with Frank and Mikey. "Hope you're ready for another round of coffee because I sure as hell am." He said, opening the door, holding it for me to walk in first. I gave him a sheepish smile in return as I walked in, getting hit by the comforting smell of coffee right away. It was a lovely family run cafe with many different paintings and ancient black and white photographs of the town hung on the walls which had wooden panels stuck to them, giving the cafe a cosy cottage atmosphere.

When we ordered our lattes, Gerard insisted that he would pay for the both of us, although he must have noticed that I had my money ready. I was happy to pay for my coffee, this was not a date or anything, he wasn't even my friend so I'm not sure what made him buy me two coffees in one day. Not that I complained.


As we were waiting for our drinks to be made, I was wondering what kind of stuff exactly he wanted to talk about. Gerard and I have never been this civilised with each other. Thinking about it now, we have never had anything that would in the slightest resemble a normal conversation. There were always some tears or shouting involved, not to mention the neverending insults or jokes from both sides. To say that I was nervous from what was about to come was an understatement. At the same time, I couldn't deny the curiosity creeping at the back of my mind. Seeing Gerard act normally around me was a rare thing and no matter how mad I've been with him in the last few days, the idea of actually talking to him was pretty exciting.


"Two large lattes, enjoy guys." The barista's voice brought me back to earth as I was standing next to Gerard awkwardly. We grabbed our drinks and moved to the table, setting the cups down carefully. Being early Thursday afternoon, there weren't that many people around so we were able to pick a table at the back with the best view of the street.


"Thanks for the coffee. And the one earlier." I said meekly after taking a sip. I was trying to keep my voice above whisper as there were only about four more people with us, making the cafe dead silent. The only sound was coming from the coffee machine and a rusty gramophone in the back corner.


"You're welcome." He replied, sinking into the cushions on his armchair comfortably. "I think it's the least I could do after everything I said to you in the last few weeks." I peeked at him, surprised at his words. Seeing my expression, he sighed and leaned forward again. "Look, I know that we've never gotten along but can we forget about it for now? I think that we both have some questions for one another and I'm tired of beating around the bush." Fair enough. I had to take the opportunity of him being open with me for once.


He let me ask the first question and of course I wanted to know how close he was with my sister. Apparently they grew up together just like I did with Mikey. This didn't surprise me at all, I've seen a few pictures here and there of toddler Gerard and baby Hayley crawling in our backyard long before I was born. They continued being friends up until high school when Gerard realized that Hayley had a crush on him. Not feeling the same way about her, he tried to avoid her, hoping that she would somehow forget about him in that way.


I could see the guilt in his eyes when he was talking about it. Hayley must have been heartbroken and he knew it.


"You have to understand that I still wanted her in my life as a friend." He said when he noticed my pained expression at the thought of my sister getting rejected. "I just didn't feel the same way about her back then."


"Why?" The word left my mouth before I could stop myself. On one hand, it was a stupid question. If you don't like someone you just don't, end of story. But then again, Hayley was prettier than any of those girls that I had seen with Gerard. She was smart and funny which makes me wonder why she wasn't good enough for him.


"Why don't you and Mikey get together, hm?" He asked.


"Mikey is like a brother to me." I replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. I never even thought about him or Frank in that way. Ever.


"Exactly." He pointed out and smiled weakly. "I saw her as a sister and I couldn't bring myself to feel anything more towards her than that." He rounded up his story nicely but I narrowed my eyes at him, thinking about everything he said for a second.


"Bullshit." I dragged the word out, making him stare at me with furrowed brows, question marks written all over his face. "Two days ago when you said that I look like her, the way you looked at me. That's not how you would look at your sister or a friend." I shook my head subtly, expecting him to admit his feelings for her or something along those lines. Instead, a lazy smirk was tugging on his lips as he leant forward, resting his elbows on the table.


"And what way did I look at you?" He teased knowing that I was too shy to actually put it into words.


"You know exactly what I'm talking about. Stop changing the topic." I retorted, annoyed with how he made me lose my cool. When he finally registered that I was in fact serious, he dropped the smirk and ran a hand through his hair, gripping it tightly.


"We did make up later on. She went to the same university as me, just a different course. She lived literally a few blocks away from me." He explained but I wasn't following.


"And?"


"And... She was different again. She grew up, suddenly we were on the same level." His voice became slightly nervous and I had no idea where this was heading. "Look, it's really weird telling you this shit, she was your sister and-"


"Jesus, Gerard, just spill it." Honestly, he was making it more complicated than it already was.


"It turned out she was still crushing on me." He said, laughing humourlessly, not looking at me. "And as much as I hated it, I agreed that I'd give it a shot."


Oh God, this was like a cold shower. So they were together? As in together? My whole life was a lie. I always thought that her love for him was purely platonic. Looks like Hayley managed to hide away from me pretty much everything about her private life.



"So, eh, you guys, uh, were in a relationship?" I stumbled over my words, hoping that I didn't sound like a total idiot. I never realized that Hayley had any experience with dating and guys whatsoever. Let alone Gerard. The Gerard.


"Nah, I wouldn't call it a relationship." He shook it off casually, leaving me confused. "We're talking about a matter of weeks here. It was shortly after she started college so that doesn't leave us with much time since that thing she did was in January." He cringed slightly at the mention of her suicide but continued nonetheless. "I wasn't really comfortable with what we were and so I never let it become too serious."


Being the one girl in school that was never asked on a date and never was in a relationship, I wasn't sure what he meant by the word "serious". From what I've heard from Mikey and Frank, it must have meant that he didn't sleep with her. God, I'd like to think so! Knowing Hayley, surely she wouldn't have jumped straight into something like that, although it was Gerard whom she apparently knew her entire life. Brushing those thoughts off, I kept on asking.


"So what happened next?" I couldn't even recognise my own voice. That's how tense I felt. He shrugged and licked his lips, considering his next words carefully. I couldn't stop watching him, hoping that as we were getting closer to the date of her death, that maybe I'd get some clue or a hint about what might have happened to her.


"This one night in November, she banged on my door at like three o'clock in the morning. I had no idea what the hell was going on. She was sobbing for hours, telling me that I was right, that we shouldn't be together and that she wanted to end whatever it was that we had started." I realised that I wasn't breathing as he talked, shocked that I was so clueless to what was happening in my sister's life. "To this day I have no idea what made her say that. We had this argument over how she acted that night. In the end she said that everything was going to be okay like in the old days or something like that but that we should stay away from each other."


He shook his head and let out a long breath, rubbing his eyes as he did so. "I didn't chase after her after that. I thought that maybe she needed some space or time to think plus I never really wanted to start anything with her in the first place. And, uh..." I could barely hear him as he was practically whispering now. "That was the last time I saw her."


Swallowing the tears that were threatening to spill, I looked out of the window, noticing more people walking into the cafe. Not now, I can't cry over this right now.


"How come you didn't know?" He must have heard the tears in my voice but he probably chose to ignore it as he wasn't far away from crying himself.


"As I said, I didn't chase after her. I probably should have." He sniffled but otherwise he didn't let any emotions show as he also proceeded to stare out of the window. Looking at it from his point of view, he must have felt extremely guilty.


He had teary eyes as he clenched his jaw, gripping his latte mug so tightly that I thought he would break it with his bare hands. "Why did your family not tell you anything?" I had to ask. Frank hinted something but I wanted to hear it from Gerard himself.


"Apparently they didn't know how." He snorted and shook his head in bewilderment. "I wasn't in the right place, mentally I mean, ever since high school." I nodded in understanding, remembering that night I found him under their porch and how he took those pills. "It was progressively getting worse and they thought that breaking those news to me would push me over the edge." I gulped silently at the thought of Gerard being suicidal too. What kind of fucked up world do we live in? Young people wanting to end their lives for no apparent reason - apart from me, of course.


"Actually, that's why I think Hayley didn't want to be around me anymore." He continued, making me pay attention to him again. "She didn't know about me taking meds for the longest time. When she proposed the idea of us trying out something like a relationship, I told her about it. I told her that she should stay away from me, that I was getting worse. She wasn't listening until I mentioned the pills."


He finally looked me in the eye after what felt like forever, making my heart pick up a faster pace. "She hated it, she said that I didn't need it and that I should stop taking it." His gaze intensified which made shivers run down my spine. "Only once she witnessed one of my episodes, I guess you could call them that, she had seen a side of me that she never knew existed. She didn't know how messed up I was until then. And do you know what she said?" He paused, giving me enough time to shake my head, the tension escalating way quicker than I had expected. "She said I was scaring her."


Hayley said that? I had said it about him multiple times but this is Hayley we're talking about. Gerard could be a serial killer and she would still believe that he was the one. I was frowning at him in confusion, surprised that Hayley reacted in such way.


Gerard closed his eyes and I knew exactly what he was thinking. He probably felt like he could have done more for her. That he disappointed her because he rejected her in the first place. As much as I disliked him on daily basis, this was not fair on him.


"Gerard," I paused, waiting for him to look at me, "it's not your fault." When I said it, it sounded more cliche than I had expected, but there was no other way to express that sentiment. He glanced my way and smiled gently although I could see the pain behind his eyes. He must have loved her deeply, even though it wasn't romantically. In a way, I was glad that they had what I have with Mikey. That she had something to look forward to when she moved to New York.


"Okay, my turn." He broke the awkward silence that was threatening to sprawl over us. "You heard my side of the story. Now you tell me what actually happened."


"I'm not sure, she didn't leave a letter so..." I trailed off, drinking the rest of my coffee as I did so. When I looked up at Gerard, shock was written all over his face.


"What do you mean, no letter? What about the doctors or the police, did they not find anything?" He seemed to be outraged at the lack of information that I was providing.


"Nothing." I muttered silently, focusing on the remains of my coffee at the bottom of my mug, swirling them around, back and forth.


"What about that? What is that supposed to be?" He pointed to my chest and I didn't have to look to know what he was asking about.


"I don't know." I laughed, picking up the key necklace that was resting on my collarbone. "I was hoping that you would tell me about it since you recognised it so quickly." I gave him a knowing look, silently reminding him of the scene that he created in front of both of our families. He rolled his eyes but kept his somber expression.


"I can't believe she left us with no answers." Gerard sighed and looked around the coffee shop, rubbing his forehead with one hand. It was strange, watching him come to terms with my sister's death and all that was left behind. I've been through that exact same mind process months ago. It keeps dragging on and on and on. That frustration of not knowing and that guilt that just wouldn't go away until we had all the information that we needed.


We sat there silently for a while, noticing the voices around us and the queue by the coffee counter. I thought about what Gerard said about their argument over the pills and his issues - whatever they were. I'm not going to lie, her reaction surprised me, especially since she ended up killing herself only months after. I decided to break the silence once again, this time speaking louder so that he would hear me over the kids that came in to get their cup of coffee.


"Is it-" I stopped myself for a second, hoping that I wasn't jumping into conclusions. Gerard's head spun in my direction, a defeated look crossing his features. "Is that why you took my meds?" He sent me a thoughtful look but didn't say anything. "Because she wouldn't have liked it?"


"No, Kayleigh," I was slowly getting used to hearing my name leave his lips in the last few days but it still managed to hit a certain string inside my head that made me perk up. "I took them because she was right, the meds are rubbish." I didn't get what he was saying. "It's not like you have always needed them. It's what she had done that made you start taking that shit. It'll gradually make you feel worse because you don't really need it. And guess what, no matter how long you'll be taking them for, it's not gonna get rid of the fact that she's dead."


That was rough. I was staring at him, speechless. No one has ever put it this way. I wanted to argue back but I couldn't. He's right. Although the medication pulled me through some tough days, at the end of the day, it all came back.


"What about you then? You're still taking yours after all those years." I pointed out. I wasn't trying to be mean, I just wanted to understand what he actually wanted to get out of this.


"I've always been like this. For no reason." He said with an odd look in his eyes that I could only decipher as shame. "It helps me live a normal life. You already are normal, that shit would only hurt you." I finally started understanding what he meant but one thing was still pretty unclear to me.


"Why do you care if it hurts me?" I might have used a too harsh a tone when I said that but I couldn't help it. I was puzzled by his actions and words of wisdom that were literally coming out of nowhere - no previous friendship or any form of connection that could make him care about me.


"I just... I don't know." He scanned my figure quickly, probably searching for a reason why anyone would care about me. "Can you not just accept that I know what I'm doing and that I have good intentions?"


I shifted my jaw, biting my lip. I was tempted to ask something else and question his motives but stopped myself, tired of these endless arguments. When I didn't say anything, he drank whatever there was left in his mug, bobbing his head backwards, waiting for the last drops to reach his lips. The inevitable silence came over us again and I did a small recap in my head of everything that I had learned about Hayley today. Glancing at the clock, I realized that I had spent almost the last two hours with Gerard and that we somehow managed to talk for such a long time with no immature remarks. I laughed out loud and shook my head at the thought of that.


"What?" He probably thought that I was weird.


"Nothing, it's just that this is the longest that we have ever talked and neither of us are crying or shouting right now. It's pretty amazing." I laughed again and to my surprise, so did he.


When we had calmed down again, he stood up and gave me the friendliest smile that I have ever yet seen from him. "Do you want another coffee?"







...

Notes

Thank you for the reads and your comments, it means a lot guys!!! Here's a new chapter, it should move the story forward a lot.

By the way, if you don't believe in miracles, then you might as well start believing- I passed my exams! Before I could start celebrating though, I already started stressing out about the ones in summer. Yay. Can't wait to be done with uni.....