Safe Haven

I promised Mikey I would come see him tomorrow and then I made my way towards my house. We lived in a large two-storey family house with a big garage attached to it. It was in one of the better areas of Belleville. There was a small garden in the back too but I never really spent any time out there. It was a nice home, or at least it used to be. Now it seemed to be quite lonely sometimes and it also represented a place where I am constantly being watched and where the atmosphere is so awkward and tense that I'd rather go live in the garage.

As soon as the front door closed my mum was standing in my face with a very stern look. She didn't even have to say anything. I knew exactly what this was going to be about.


"Walking out like that? I thought I brought you up better than that!" She barked at me and pursed her lips between each sentence. Looks like Ms. Hardy obtained my mum's cell number last time they hung out or whatever it is these two were doing. Whatever happened to confidentiality?


"Hi mum." I said with a sigh, completely ignoring what she had just said. I really wasn't in the mood to talk about this right now. I turned around to put my keys in the basket on top of the cabinet in our hall when she started again.


"Can you not at least pretend that you're listening to me?" She screeched which indicated that she was running out of patience. I turned to face her with the most uninterested expression I could possibly pull. I paused, hoping she would take it as a sign to continue. And she did.


"How can you be so rude and just walk out on a person who is trying to help you?" Her arms were all over the place as they emphasized each word she said. This didn't suit her, the strict parenting behaviour. She was a cool mum. Always has been.


"Trying to help me? Are you serious mum?" I scoffed. "What do you think she's gonna do? Unless she can erase my memory, I don't think there's anything else that the clueless witch can do to help me." My voice went up the volume a little as I counteracted my mum's arguments. "And what makes you think I needed her help anyway? I'm fine." I said trying to push past her towards the kitchen.


"You're not fine, Kayleigh, and you know it." She said more calmly as I walked past her and darted towards the kettle. "I can't remember the last time you went over to the Ways' and spent time with Mikey or Frank. Or with me." She sighed and I noticed that she was standing in the door frame, looking at me sadly. "You barely eat. You never talk. You never leave the house. I'm trying really hard, Kayleigh-"


"Well stop trying!" I interrupted her with a sudden outburst. "Can you not see that I don't want to be around people who don't understand? Or that maybe I don't want to move on or forget? No, of course you can't because you're too busy arguing with dad about absolute bullshit! You have been for the past six months." I finished my rant and turned back to the kettle which was now filled with water. I searched the cupboard for my favourite coffee mug when I heard my mum's voice again, this time filled with tears.


"I don't know what to do to get you back, Kay." I heard her sniffle. "I know you think I just put you to therapy so that I wouldn't have to deal with your problems but I'm just trying to do the best for you." All of a sudden I felt bad for what I had said. I know she's been through a lot as well and I haven't made it any easier for her. I put my mug on the counter and turned back to her.


"Mum-"


"I'm just so scared that I'm losing you too." She was proper on crying now. "Sometimes I go check on you in the middle of the night just to make sure you're still breathing." I could barely understand her words as heavy sobs shook her chest but I knew what she was saying. And I also knew about those times she came into my room in the middle of the night thanks to the many sleepless nights I've had in the last few months. She would silently open the door and tiptoe over to my bed where she would wait for a couple of seconds before kissing my forehead and then leaving again. I knew it was a loving gesture but to me it felt like my every step was being watched, even in my sleep. It made me feel pathetic.


"I hope you know that I'm here, Kayleigh, if it ever gets bad again, I am here. Dad's here too." She looked at me with pleading eyes and I walked around the counter to hug her. She enwrapped me in her arms and rocked me gently.


"I'm sorry mum." I mumbled into her long brown hair. "I didn't mean to worry you." To be perfectly honest, I didn't think she was this worried. I didn't think she noticed me slowly drowning in the mess that was in my head right now. Apparently she was more observant than I had thought.


"I don't want you to be sorry, Kay. I want you to be happy again." She pulled away and held my face in her hands, making me face her directly. "Tell me darling, honestly," she stressed the word as if she knew I've been lying to her this whole time, "how bad is it this time?" She asked me directly with so much hurt in her eyes that I just couldn't take it anymore. There is no way I can tell her everything without breaking her down right now, no matter how hard she is trying to keep herself together. I sighed heavily and dropped my eyes to the floor.


"I'm fine mum, really." I looked at her again and gave her a weak smile even though I was screaming on the inside. "I think I've got the worst behind me." My lies were smooth and she bought it all. It hurt. And it hurt a lot, knowing I couldn't tell her everything. She gave me a big smile and hugged me again, which reassured me slightly that this is for the best. At least mum's going to be less worried now and maybe focus on her relationship with dad instead of being overprotective of me.


"I'm glad to hear that, darling." She patted my head and offered that she would make the coffee for me. "Go upstairs and get changed. It'll be ready when you come back." She smiled at me and I nodded as I headed up the stairs towards my room.


I walked through the corridor as fast as possible, not looking to my left at the locked door like I usually did, trying to hold back the sobs that were threatening to escape my throat. I closed my bedroom door behind me quickly and as soon as I did, I put my head in my hands, shaking as I tried to suppress another breakdown. Not now, not again, I thought to myself.


I don't know for how long I can pretend that I'm okay. I don't know how much longer I will be able to cope with this agony. There is not a single person who could actually reach down and bring me back out of this hell that is my head. Mum and dad are probably in just as much pain as me and if I told them, they would send me off to an institution and then probably break down or get divorced. Mikey and Frank didn't understand. They couldn't possibly comprehend what was going on with me. It wasn't their fault though and quite frankly, I was glad that they had never felt so lost before allowing them to understand. And Ms. Hardy, well, she was clueless.


I could hear the blood pounding in my head and the pressure building up as I continued biting my lip in an attempt to calm down. I wish I had someone who would listen without passing any judgement. Someone who would give me a reason to go on. Unfortunately, there was no such person in my life. Yes, of course, all the people around kept offering me to go talk to them whenever I wanted to. They kept saying that they were here for me.


But were they really?


If I really told them what was happening to me, how I saw my future, what would their reaction be? They would either say "I'm really sorry this is happening to you." Or my personal favourite "It will get better." Out of all things you could say to a suicidal person, "getting better" and "it'll be okay" are the ones you should cross out off your list in the first place. And this is when I realised it.


I was alone.


Something I thought would never happen to me out of all people.


After about five minutes of my little breakdown, I heard mum calling me to come down and get my coffee."I'm coming!" I yelled, trying not to sound like I had just finished watching Titanic. I quickly ran into my bathroom to wash my face to get rid of the redness and the mascara that, I imagined, was all over my face.

My head was extremely sore and as I looked at myself in the mirror I realised that I looked fucking disgusting. I didn't even recognise myself anymore. My once bright fair hair was now dull and overgrown, reaching my lower back. Massive dark under-eye circles were contrasting with my almost translucent skin making me look like I haven't slept since the last millennium. I lost weight too. My cheeks weren't as round as they used to be and my cheekbones were more profound. No wonder mum noticed something was up. I looked like I had escaped from behind-the-scenes of a B-movie about zombies.

The shirt I was wearing was Hayley's so it was too big for my little frame which only emphasized the state of my body. I don't know why mum made such a big deal about the clothes. It was only a few pieces. This shirt was a present from me. It reminded me of her and I couldn't stand the thought of it being buried somewhere deep in her wardrobe and never being worn again. Then I took her Guns'n'Roses t-shirt because who the hell wouldn't take it. I always wanted one too and Hayley sometimes let me wear it which is maybe why mum hasn't picked up on it yet. Apart from these two there were only a few others that I thought were her "signature" pieces. By wearing it I felt a little bit closer to her. Closer than I was the last few years anyway. She had been my role model ever since I could remember and wearing her clothes made me feel a little cooler than I was in reality.


When I went to get my very much needed coffee, mum announced that she had a deal for me.
"How about this. You won't have to see Ms. Hardy next year, if you promise me that you will try and have a good time next week at the party." Wait what? How does she even know about that? I swear, for any other kid, this would be a million dollar offer but I wasn't even planning on going to the party.


"Mum, how do you even know about that?" I asked. She gave me a little smirk and took a sip of her coffee.


"Donna said Mikey was going to Frank's party and that they would invite you too. I think it's a great idea." She said, smiling more to herself than at me.


Donna Way. Mikey's mum. Along with her husband, Donald, they have been very close friends with my parents. I suppose one couldn't ask for nicer neighbours than the Ways. They supported my family during the last year and I have a feeling that this whole invitation thing was their idea too.


"But mum, I said I would help them out, there was no word about me actually going." I argued but she didn't have any of it.


"They're your friends and they expect you to go." She said as if I had no say in this. "You can't reject them for much longer without losing them completely."


"But mum-"


"This or you can look forward to seeing Ms. Hardy again after the summer. Pick." I knew she was dead serious. "You have to start living a normal life again, Kayleigh. Do the stuff that your classmates do." She added. Suddenly a weird look of smug spread across her face. "You know, Gerard is coming back."


"And?" I had to ask the same questions for the second time this day.


"Well he's bringing his friends. Every girl your age wants to hang out with the college boys." She smirked at me, attempting to induce some fun atmosphere into our conversation.


"Mum, if you haven't noticed, I don't care about guys right now. They are the last thing on my mind. Especially Gerard and his friends." I retorted. It was true, I've never really had a boyfriend. I have never been on a date. Frank and Mikey buying me pizza doesn't count. There were boys that I liked when I was younger, obviously, all those platonic crushes, but these things were long gone. I can't remember the last time I looked at a guy and went "wow, I wish he would ask me out".


Even in your teenage years, guys and mating go aside when you're on survival mode, believe it or not.


After I reluctantly agreed that I would make an appearance, she kept going on about how I should make more friends and spend the summer with them. I don't know if she was serious or if she was just trying to cheer me up with a friendly conversation, but all I could think of was that in a few days time I would be in a house full of strangers, probably left alone as Mikey would be with his friends and Frank would go out on a hunt trying to pull a girl. I will just have to lock myself in an empty room and wait for the storm to pass.



The next day Mikey told me that we would go food shopping for the night. By the time Friday came by, everything was ready and the boys managed to invite all their friends, including a few girls from the senior year who I'm sure came to hunt down "the college boys" that would tag along with Gerard.


I don't know why I thought that Mikey meant actual dinner food, because how wrong I was. Where are the burgers and fries? When we went to buy all the stuff we needed, we left with three watermelons, ten bags of crisps and two massive tubs of chocolate ice cream.


"You've never been to a part before, have you?" Mikey asked with a giggle when he noticed me eyeing the "food" with confusion. Of course I haven't been to a party before, he should know that since I used to spend all of my free time with him.


"I get the crisps and the ice-cream. But why did we buy the watermelons?" I asked with raised eyebrows.


"Ever heard of a vodka watermelon?" He smirked at me knowingly. Well, looks like someone has done a lot of partying research while I was out.


"There's gonna be alcohol tonight?" I asked with a slightly terrified expression at the thought of a house full of irresponsible underage drunks.


"You can't expect university guys to attend a party without a single drop of alcohol, Kay." He laughed but then he noticed the worried look on my face. "Hey, don't worry. They're all cool people. They're all into the same stuff like us. It's just for fun." He put a hand on my shoulder but his attempt to make me more comfortable didn't exactly work.


"And Frank's parents are cool with that?" I asked incredulously.


"Yeah, they don't mind. They know we are responsible." He winked at me.


"You might be. But what about your brother? You've seen him drunk before, Mikey. And what about his friends?"


He sighed and looked down for a second. "Yeah I know. Look, I'm sure it'll be fine. He's grown up now and he knows his limits. Let's not worry about this. We should enjoy tonight. This is the beginning of our summer." He smiled at me but I couldn't return the gesture as I was still uncertain about this whole thing.


After we prepared some of the snacks and Frank set up the music, they thanked me and sent me home to get ready and come back around seven o'clock. I just nodded and left but I didn't know what they meant by getting ready. Could I not just wear whatever? I guess they expected me to doll up or something. I suppose the least I could do is to put at least a little effort into this, I thought, since they put so much effort into getting me involved.


After about half an hour of going through my wardrobe, I settled on the Guns'n'Roses t-shirt, some random jeans I found and my good old denim jacket. I was fixing my hair in the mirror when I heard mum come in. She dropped her makeup bag on my bed and eyed me up and down.


"You know, I think you should wear the shorts you bought last summer." She said nodding towards my wardrobe.


"They are way too short for an occasion like this, mum." I rolled my eyes at her through the mirror where I saw her digging through my clothes.


"At least try it. Honey, you don't want to look like you just escaped Antarctica. It's summertime, don't forget, it's ninety degrees outside." She said whilst throwing the shorts at me. I sighed but proceeded to put them on anyway. When I looked at myself again, it actually looked pretty good. For the first time in ages I felt that I looked somewhat decent.


"There you go." She smiled at me. "Now go and have fun." She kissed the top of my head, winked at me in the mirror and left. I wonder if she would say the same thing if she knew that there would be hectolitres of alcohol involved tonight. To be fair, she would probably still let me go. She was different than other parents. Only rarely would she let the "parenting" side of her get on the surface, like earlier today. I was grateful to have such an amazing mother and it broke my heart knowing she doubted her parenting skills ever since last winter. I wanted to be closer to her again, spend more time with her. Unfortunately, recently I didn't have enough space in my self-loathing mind for any mother-daughter hangouts.


I went through her makeup collection and tried my best in hiding the black circles under my eyes, thankful that I inherited the same pale skin tone. Once I was done I was surprisingly pleased with my face for once.



I started thinking about the party, imagining all the stares I was going to get from the kids from my year and it made my stomach churn. Why couldn't I be a normal teenager who enjoys these things? I sighed to myself and made a silent promise that I would try and socialise with others, for Mikey and Frank. I didn't want to spoil this for them by standing in the corner and having them feel like they have to get me involved.


As I was approaching Frank's house, I could faintly hear the music and the people's chatting and laughter. I didn't bother knocking. I just walked straight in and took in the new look of their living room. The furniture was pushed to the walls so that there was space in the middle, for dancing I presumed. There were a few bowls with snacks on the coffee table that I made earlier along with a broad choice of drinks none of which looked safe enough for me to take. The lights were dimmed and Green Day were now pounding from the speakers right through my entire body. Luckily no one had a better taste in music than Frank so even if this party sucked, I could at least enjoy his choice of songs.


"Kayleigh! Finally!" I felt an arm wrap around my shoulders and when I turned around, I saw Frank with a massive grin spread across his features and a bottle of beer in his other hand. Frank. My best friend and a classmate since we were ten. I have never met anyone more friendly or inviting than him. Having him in my life was a blessing I will be forever grateful for. "You look great girl! Nice t-shirt!" He eyed my outfit. I smiled back and decided to ignore the fact that my friend who was the same age as me was already getting drunk. "So what do you think about my organisation skills?" He asked and motioned around the room with the beer.


"I think it's great." I admitted honestly. "You should do this for a living." I laughed and patted his head a little. He nodded and placed a hand on his chest.


"I don't wanna brag or anything but when everyone saw the living room, they said they want me to do their parties too." We both laughed and he led me towards the middle of the room. There were about twenty people so far and I only recognised a few of them. Frank leaned in closer to my ear and started explaining who was who.


"So, the people over there on the sofa are from our year which I'm sure you had noticed already. The group by the TV, they are from Mikey's year. They're pretty cool, especially the girls, if you know what I mean." He winked at me and I just shook my head as we both laughed. "And the guys by the fireplace, they're the college dudes." He motioned towards a bunch of tall guys standing to my left. "They went to high school with Gerard but now they're all in different colleges." All of them were holding either red or blue plastic cups and were quietly chatting to each other. Not quite what I expected. As I was scanning the room, I noticed a tall guy pouring himself a cup of clear liquid and then making his way to the group of guys by the fireplace. Tall, short brown hair, the smirk. I knew him. He fancied Hayley when he was still a senior. He came to pick her up for a date once and she only went because she felt too awkward to say no. I think his name was Tom. He wouldn't leave her alone until he went to college but my sister was too deep in her platonic dreams about our neighbour to ever reciprocate his efforts. She found him annoying anyway as far as I recall.


"We're still waiting for Gerard and his crew to arrive." Frank said matter-of-factly which brought me back to reality.


"Are you like friends with him or something?" I asked seeing his chilled out attitude. Last time I checked, him and Gerard were nowhere near being friends.


"Kind of." He shrugged. "I played a couple of gigs with his mate." Jesus Christ, how much did I miss out on? "It's great you know, going over to the Ways without having him shout at me whenever he decides to turn up." He said with a small giggle.


I stood there slightly shocked at what he just said. Him and Gerard got along now. I didn't know how to react to that so I tried to focus on something else.


"So you're in a band now, huh?" I smiled at him. His eyes immediately exploded with sparklers as he nodded quickly.


"Yeah, kind of. I'm trying to persuade Mikes to join us but I guess he enjoys me begging." He laughed and I found myself envying a little that him and Mikey still had the careless life every teenager should have. "Where is he anyway? I'm gonna go find him, go get yourself a drink or something, I'll find you in a bit." He pointed towards the coffee table with snacks and drinks. I felt a wave of slight fear wash over me when he was about to leave me alone in a room full of strangers. I smiled at him nonetheless and started walking over to the other side of the room when he suddenly stopped me again.


"By the way, it's good to have you here, Kayleigh." He smiled at me and squeezed my upper arm a little. Then he disappeared somewhere in the corridor in search of his best friend. As I was pouring myself some soda, I realised how good of a friend Frank and Mikey really were. They have been waiting for me this whole time and now after months of avoiding them, they were still here, inviting me to their party.


I smiled to myself a little at the thought of them two when I heard my name being called from behind me. I turned around to see about seven kids from my year spread across the sofa staring at me, each of them holding a cup or a beer bottle.


"Hey." I said swallowing the nervousness, trying to make it sound enthusiastic.


"Since when do you come to these, Kay?" A girl, Laura, I believe asked.


"Well, I helped Frank prepare all this." I motioned towards the coffee table behind me.


"Cool. Are you gonna sit with us?" She asked and squeezed another girl to the side making some space on the sofa next to her. I stuttered in my actions a little but proceeded to sit next to them nonetheless. They were all looking at me like they couldn't believe I was actually sitting there. It seemed like everyone was scared to say or ask anything in case it was the wrong thing to say in front of me. Being the messed up girl at a party felt quite embarrassing, let me tell you that. It was extremely awkward but I remembered the promise I gave myself earlier and I was grateful that they gave me a shot anyway.


"Guys, I'm not made out of porcelain." I chuckled awkwardly hoping the ice would break soon. Luckily, they all started laughing and talking about random stuff, filling me in on the latest gossip. About half an hour later, one of the guys peeked into my cup, sniffed it a little and then gasped dramatically.


"Guys! She's only drinking soda!" He clasped his hand over his mouth in fake shock and stood up quickly. "Nuh uh girl, this is a party, you gotta be more adventurous than that!" He exclaimed taking my cup and grabbing a random bottle from behind him. He started pouring something into it and others cheered him on.


"I really shouldn't be drinking that." I tried to laugh it off but the worry of actually having to drink that turned into fear. He handed me the cup and everyone looked at me expectantly. Everything was going so good. I couldn't tell them why I shouldn't drink alcohol. If they knew about the meds, the night would be ruined. A little won't hurt, right?


I tried not to think any more as I quickly downed whatever he poured into my cup. I heard clapping and cheering as an unpleasant burning sensation spread down my tongue. I coughed a little, squeezing my eyes shut, trying to get rid of the stinging at the back of my throat.


"Well done, Kay. Now the fun begins!" The boy shouted, patting me on the back. Where the hell were Frank and Mikey when I needed them to interfere? This was the first time that I had ever drank alcohol and I was doing it unsupervised. I had no idea what it was going to do to me. I heard some horrific stories of people mixing pills and alcohol together and I prayed that I wasn't going to end up passing out somewhere inappropriate. I told myself that I would consume no more alcohol, no matter how much the others pushed me to do so.


How naive of me.


Four and a half cups later, I was still sitting on the sofa, laughing at God knows what, losing track of time and space. I still didn't feel much of a difference, that was until I tried to stand up and failed miserably. I fell back on the sofa followed by fits of laughter from my classmates.


"You know, Kay, I never knew that you could be this much fun." The boy, Matt, announced, his words slurred together from the amount of alcohol he drank. He kept leaning closer and closer, invading my personal space and I pushed him away playfully, blaming it on the alcohol.


"Thanks, I guess." I laughed, taking another sip of my drink.


"You know people said stuff about you being mental and some kind of a failed suicide shit. But now I know it's bullshit, I bet they didn't know you like I do now!" He laughed and my heart stopped. Suddenly I felt how the adrenaline washed some of the alcohol from my bloodstream and my smile faltered, leaving me gaping at him in shock and hurt. Is this what everyone in school thought about me? That I was mental? I looked around me quickly, seeing my classmates drinking, having fun, but all I could see was a bunch of people who were in fact judging me, thinking I was batshit crazy.


"Excuse me." I muttered and pushed myself off the sofa warily, suddenly feeling unwelcomed. Due to the alcohol that was affecting my basic motor skills and the tears that were threatening to spill, I had to hold on to the wall for support as I aimed for the corridor, away from the living room. I was trying to push through the crowd of people that seemed to get significantly bigger than when I had first came here, when a hand stopped me and made me face someone.


"Kayleigh, here you are!" It was Mikey. "I was looking-- are you drunk?" He asked surprised and held me steady with both of his hands.


"I'm fine." I said trying to shake off his hold. Knowing me better than anyone, he picked up on my odd behaviour quickly.


"What happened, Kay? I saw you talking to Matt." He eyed me suspiciously.


"Nothing. I'm okay." I lied, trying not to ruin his party. "Do you guys need help with anything?" I offered forcing a small smile across my face, pushing the thoughts of my classmates away.


"Yes, actually, we do." He laughed, pulling me by my hand into the kitchen. There were a few girls sipping on their home-made cocktails, chatting to each other enthusiastically. They all winked at Mikey as soon as we walked in, however, he either didn't notice or decided not to. What is it with the Way brothers that makes all girls act like they're the last boys on Earth. And what is it with me that I don't?


"Could you prepare the last watermelon please?" He asked, placing the big round object in front of me. "I still need to go get the rest of the beer from the garage before more people arrive." He explained with an apologetic look on his face.


"Sure, go ahead, Mikey." I smiled, reaching out for a large knife on the kitchen counter. I was about to cut in when I noticed Mikey still standing next to me, eyeing me nervously. I paused, confused and looked at him quizzically. His eyes dropped to the knife, then back at me and I suddenly realised why he was staring. I shot him an annoyed look which he picked up on quickly and without another word he was gone.


I shook my head as I started cutting through the thick juicy skin of the watermelon. I guess it's always going to be like this from now on. People will always be looking at me like I am injured. I didn't need anyone's pity. All I wanted was someone who would understand and perhaps give me some advice on how to survive the next few years of my miserable excuse of a life.


As I was cutting up the watermelon, lost in my depressing thoughts and trying not to lose balance from the alcohol that I drank, I heard the front door slam over the loud music blasting from the living room.

"Guess who's back!"













...

Notes

We meet Gerard in the next chapter :)




....I need holiday... -.-