Safe Haven

I wish I could say that there is no reason for me to be this way. That I am one of those people who in their teenage years all of a sudden became depressed. Life isn't that simple though. Not for me. I have every right in the world to be the way I am.


"How are you feeling today Kayleigh?" Ms. Hardy's calm voice made my jaw clench. I despise this lady who calls herself a therapist.


I didn't respond. I had absolutely no intention of participating in this session. My parents made me attend these after they realised they couldn't help me themselves. Ever since I started seeing the school therapist, they've kind of given up on talking to me about my feelings or about what happened six months ago. Since my parents refused to talk about it, I sure as hell wasn't going to pour my heart out to a complete stranger who knows nothing about me or what I've been through. And who said that I needed a therapist anyway? If anything, these after-school meetings made me feel even more helpless.


"Are we having one of those days again?" She peeked at me from underneath her thick glasses. I hate when people use the plural 'we'. We're not a team, madam. There is no 'we'.
"Come on Kayleigh, you will have to talk to me eventually." Oh really? Try me.


"Do you remember when I talked to you about the different stages of coping?" She just wouldn't shut up, would she? Of course I remember. She made me read the leaflet and talked about it for the next three weeks. "I think right now you're moving onto a new stage. Do you feel angry, Kayleigh? Do you maybe feel betrayed? It would be perfectly normal if you did." She said with an overly sweet tone. I hate when she overuses my name like that, thinking that it's going to make me pay more attention or something. You see, these psychological methods simply do not work on me.

I shot her a bored look as my mind went back to the day I trashed my sister's room. I broke her guitar that day which I kind of regret looking back now. That was about three months ago. I had that stage behind me for sure.


"You know, you're not punishing me by ignoring me, Kayleigh. You're punishing yourself." I couldn't take her know-it-all attitude anymore.


"Ms. Hardy, with all respect, you know nothing about me. After four months of seeing you, you're still asking me the wrong questions and you're still making the wrong assumptions." I told her with a sigh, surprising myself with how calm it came out, even though I tried to put on a bit of a sassy attitude. "Maybe you should tell my parents that my life is too fucked up for me to be happy again." Ms. Hardy saw this as a clue that she could catch upon.


"So you feel like you will never be happy again? Is that what stage you're in now? Do you feel depressed?" She kept asking one unprofessional question after another. I was kind of getting tired of this. Has she not once tried looking at my life from my point of view? How does she actually think I feel?


"I don't want to be put into a category! I just am who I am and you labelling my situation won't change anything." I blurted out finally.


She sat there quiet for a while contemplating her next question. She surprised me when she spoke without a question mark at the end.


"That's an interesting necklace you're wearing." She pointed to my chest and I immediately stopped playing with the silver key that hung from a thin string around my neck. Something I've been doing a lot recently without even realising it. I quickly hid it under the shirt I was wearing and avoided looking at her.


"Last time I spoke to your mum she said you started wearing Hayley's clothes." At the mention of my sister's name, I froze. "Was that Hayley's as well?" She asked carefully. I didn't like how I was being watched and analysed as if I was a lab rat. I can't believe mum talked to her about these things behind my back. Ms. Hardy might have been actually right for once - I did feel betrayed today.


"That's none of your business. Or my mum's for that matter." I hissed. I gathered up my things and left the room without waiting for the timer to go off, angry and hurt. Ms. Hardy didn't even get the chance to say anything to me.


I angrily made my way to the main entrance of the school, glad that I wouldn't have to see this hellhole for the rest of the day. I was still wearing a frown from the meeting with Ms. Hardy and I took a few deep breaths trying to calm down. This was a regular thing and yet here I was, still getting upset over someone like her. I put my earphones in, turning up the volume to a maximum, creating a bubble around me that protected me from the outside world and people who could potentially start a conversation. Not that there were many people who would ever even think about engaging in any sort of conversation with me. My features permanently frozen with the look of death, which I wasn't even aware of, scared off pretty much everyone after giving me a single glance. Due to the recent events many people also believed I was something like a bad talisman. Scared that I would bring death upon them, they simply avoided me.

I unzipped the dark denim jacket that I was wearing, letting it reveal a slightly oversized black shirt, and slowly started walking in the direction of my home. I never took my jacket off, not even in school. It made me feel vulnerable for multiple reasons. As it was getting really warm these days, summer approaching faster than ever, I knew I would suffer from overheating in the next two months and constant admonishing from my parents to wear something more suitable for the 'oh so beautiful summer days'. Not only for that reason I dreaded the very near future. I also realised that I had absolutely no plans for the holiday which terrified me slightly, as only the idea of being locked up in my house for two whole months was unbearable. On the other hand, God knows what was going to happen to me. I might not even make it into the senior year.


I made the last turn to my street and as I was approaching the gate to my house, I saw a figure running towards me in my peripheral vision. Before I could even look up I felt a tap on my shoulder which made me turn to the person who just stopped me.


There, in front of me stood Mikey, smiling as he was saying what I believed was a greeting. I pulled my earphones out quickly and put on a polite smile.


"Hi Mikey."


"Hey! Where have you been? Frank got here ages ago. He's left already." He said, trying to catch a breath.


The Ways lived next door to me and my family ever since I can remember. We've been hanging out since we were kids. Frank and I were both juniors, while Mikey was about to finish his senior year of high school. Lucky man he was. Frank would always come with me after school and spend the rest of the day with us. It was really nice having them around, we were on the same wavelength, listened to the same kind of music and shared the love of pizza, resulting in us wasting all of our pocket money on takeaways. That's all I was ever looking for in friends. Unfortunately, I haven't been hanging out with them as much anymore. I wasn't as much of a fun person as I used to be and I didn't want to spoil their time together. Instead, I locked myself in my room, drowning in my own sorrows. I've been avoiding them for months for various reasons but Frank persuaded me to spend more time with them, now that all the exams were over. They tried so hard to get me back, which, after all this time, I couldn't turn my back to. I decided, however, that I wouldn't allow myself to show any signs of my damaged mind or the pathetic breakdowns I still had from time to time.


"Ms. Hardy." Was my reply. I rolled my eyes as I said her name and Mikey gave me an understanding look.


"Oh right, you're still seeing her after school, I forgot." He nodded to himself and frowned, obviously feeling awkward for pointing it out. "I heard she's like the worst excuse of a therapist out there."


"That's very true, where did you hear that?" I laughed.


"My brother told me."


"Oh." My smile dropped at the mention of him.


"He used to see her in the last few months of his senior year. Never heard him bitch about anyone like Ms. Hardy." Mikey explained quickly, seeing my reaction.


"Well I can see why." I replied and paused for a second, not sure if I should stay on the topic. "I never knew he went to a therapist." I said but it came out more as a question.


"Yeah, well, apparently he had a rough time before he went to university." Mikey said carefully and I nodded in understanding. My mind wondered back to one night three years ago. I was about fourteen and had a movie night with Mikey and Frank. I can't remember what we were watching but I remember that we laughed a lot that night. School was over and we were pretty much the definition of the happiest kids under the sun. When it got late, I reluctantly said goodbye to my best friends and made my way back home. As soon as the Ways' front door closed I saw a figure sitting under their porch surrounded in a thick smoke. I walked down the few steps that lead to their house and recognised the black clothed person as Gerard, Mikey's older brother. He looked up at me from under his mop of black hair. He was crying. There were streams of tears on his otherwise calm face. When he saw that it was me, he looked away again slowly and took a long drag from his cigarette.


I think it is important to say that up to that point Gerard and I never spoke to each other. He was four years older than me which wouldn't be the issue really, even though he had his own group of friends who were all very similar to him. For some reason, I always found him extremely intimidating. He never talked to me or Frank, not even Mikey when we were around. The only times we'd see him was when he crawled out of his room to get a coffee refill or to tell us off for having the TV on too loud. On these occasions he would shoot us a couple of death glares that gave me some proper anxiety when he was near us. Other times he would walk past us, dragging a random girl by a hand into his room. He always slammed the door and then blasted out some loud music so that we couldn't hear what they were doing down there. He was the kind of a person you didn't want to mess with. At the same time, I couldn't help but notice that he was, in fact, a very handsome guy. And from his cocky behaviour it wasn't hard to tell that he was very well aware of that. All girls have a thing for the bad boys and Gerard was like the perfect prototype of one of those. Cigarettes? The arrogant look on his face? And the leather jackets? It was hard not to notice all that as a fourteen-year old.


It's not like I was fantasising about him or anything. Not only did I know that I'd never date him or that he would never even think of me in this way, or any way for that matter, but also because my older sister had a crush on him. It was actually her, who pointed it out to me how much of a good-looking guy he was. I think a big part of me only found him attractive because Hayley did. I've always tried to be more like her in more than one way. Even though she was head over heels for him, and, looking back, would be a good match for him, she never told him. She was only two years older than me and probably had the same thoughts of him as me - intimidating and dangerous. I think that the fear of rejection also got the best of her. Pity, god knows how things would have been if they went out.


When I found him sitting outside his house that night, I didn't know what to do. I wasn't sure if I should ask him what happened or if he would ignore me or perhaps even shout at me if I spoke to him. I stood there sheepishly, trying to decide whether I should go for the risk of approaching him or leaving him there. Either way, it would have been extremely awkward. I never saw Gerard show any kind of emotions apart from anger. As I was playing all kinds of possible scenarios in my head, he spoke up.


"Don't tell Mikey about this." His raspy voice sent my adrenaline levels sky high. This was the first time I was alone with him - something I had been trying to avoid.


"I won't." I said quietly and slowly walked a few steps towards where he was sat. "Why are you crying?" I whispered my question carefully, worried that he might have a go at me for daring to talk to him. Gerard, however, reached his free hand towards mine and pulled me down to sit next to him, while his other hand stubbed the cigarette onto the porch. Still holding my hand he turned to me with his tear stained eyes and I swear, in that moment the world stopped spinning. He looked at me. For the first time he actually looked at me. Never have I ever seen anyone with so much pain in their eyes. I remember it so clearly. Once you look into Gerard Way's eyes, they won't leave your mind that easy.


"Everyone keeps saying that things will get better." He whispered to me as more tears made their way down his cheeks. "But it never gets good enough." I frowned a little not sure how to respond. I didn't have to because Gerard kept talking after taking a deep breath.


"Have you ever felt lost, Kayleigh?" When my name left his lips I felt shivers run down my spine. I have never enjoyed hearing my own name like I did in that moment. It felt like he actually acknowledged my existence by saying my name out loud. "Have you ever felt so lost that you simply couldn't go on anymore?"


I shook my head slowly. I felt terrible that I didn't know enough about life to relate to Gerard's words. I wished I could help him, tell him what to do to make things better. But at that point, I couldn't relate to him on that level.


"You have to go on though, Gerard." I said while softly rubbing my thumb on his hand, trying to get over the fact that it was the Gerard Way I was comforting. Hayley would have killed to be in my position. "You have Mikey. You have to keep going for him. He looks up to you." I tried my best in giving some advice to a hopeless person I knew nothing about.


Thinking about it now, that was a one hell of a good reason for one to keep going on, for their younger sibling.


Gerard turned his gaze to me again and with a long sigh he nodded slowly. He kept staring into my eyes for what felt like forever. Eventually he dropped his head onto my shoulder and tightened his hold on my hand. "I'm scared of being alone forever." He managed to whisper as I felt his body shake with silent sobs, his tears soaking into my t-shirt. I didn't know how to respond to that. At that point I never really felt that way. I had the best friends in the world, loving parents and a sister who I thought was the coolest person ever. I wasn't alone and I naively thought I never would be. Nevertheless, Gerard's statement awoke strong emotions deep inside me, I felt sorry for him. I didn't know what he was going through but I could only imagine. I wrapped my arms around him, bringing him close to me, burying my face in his disheveled hair. We stayed like that for a while before he said that I should go home. I couldn't believe that I had just spent the last fifteen minutes with Gerard who turned out to be so much more emotional and vulnerable than I ever thought he could be. He insisted that he would walk me to my door even though it was literally a few meters away from his own. I was flattered and tried to hide the blush that spread across my cheeks as he followed me across the road to my house.


"I'm sorry." He enwrapped me in a tight hug. To this day I can remember the smell of his leather jacket and the cologne he was wearing that day. Even though I was aware that I was in Hayley's territory, I have to admit that I enjoyed that moment. Mikey and Frank hugged me all the time but this was different. Gerard wasn't my friend, he was older and Hayley looked up to him and to me he simply represented the charismatic masculine ideal.


"You have nothing to be sorry about." I smiled back at him. "I'll see you around, Gerard." I said and went home, hoping that this was the beginning of a new friendship.


Oh how wrong I was. Ever since that night Gerard turned into a class A asshole. He was meaner than normally and often came home drunk which was new to all of us. He didn't talk to me but he would give me these stares. He would always keep his eyes on me a little longer than necessary and I knew he knew how uncomfortable it made me feel. I didn't know why he was acting that way. Did something serious happen to him that night? Or was he ashamed that he let his walls down in front of a fourteen-year old girl that quite often got on his nerves? I have no clue. I could see how hurt Mikey was seeing his older brother behave like that. I still don't know if the conversation we had played any role in that.


I remember how one time, we were playing on their Playstation or something equally as loud when Gerard stormed into the living room, franatically looking for something. He started yelling at Mikey for making such mess around the house and distracting him. We just sat there shocked at hearing all the stuff that left his mouth. Seeing Mikey so upset after he left made my blood boil. Who did he think he was? I excused myself and told the boys that I needed the bathroom. I do not know what came over me. Mikey was older than me and could have easily stood up for himself in front of Gerard. But he didn't and for some reason I felt the need to do that. It had been going on for way too long. Instead of the bathroom, I headed to the one door in the house that I had never opened before, Gerard's room. I was scared, I could feel my heartbeat pounding in my head as I walked down the stairs into the basement where Gerard had his bedroom. I was just so angry at him for making his brother feel so miserable that I didn't even realise that what I was doing was actually pretty stupid.


"What do you want?" He snapped when he noticed the intruder. His room was dark, littered with paper all over the floor. There were random pieces of clothes lying here and there and his bed looked like someone just got out of it. It was a mess. I can imagine that the image of his bedroom mirrored the one of his life pretty accurately back then.


"What the hell is your problem, Gerard?" I asked crossing my arms, pathetically attempting to look confident. He was still looking for something, throwing the papers from his desk to the floor, going through the pockets of a couple of hoodies that were scattered on the floor and wasn't really paying attention to me. "You just made Mikey feel like shit." I pointed out, hoping that I would make him feel bad, at least a little. No response. "Has this something to do with what you said the other day?" I asked more softly, considering the option that he might have some serious problems.


He reached out underneath his bed and pulled out a small object, ignoring me completely. I couldn't see what it was. He gave me a look that shut me up for a bit before turning his back to me. He held the object in his hands when I heard a subtle pop sound. Gerard then brought a hand to his mouth and tilted his head back. He just took some pills and tried to hide it from me. I know he did.


"Is that what it is? You being unable to cope with your own problems?" I asked sternly. "It's not Mikey's fault, Gerard, that you can't put your life together." I wish I understood back then what it felt like, what he was going through. On the other hand, no matter what, mental issues are not an excuse for being an asshole.


I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth but it was too late. Gerard stormed to me with a clenched jaw and deadly eyes. He grabbed me by my shoulders and pushed me against one of the walls. I was terrified. Coming in here on my own was a mistake.


"Shut up, you bitch! You know nothing about me!" He shouted. "It's none of your fucking business how I treat my brother." His grip on me tightened to the point it was painful.


"Gerard, I - " I don't even know what I was going to say, he didn't let me finish the sentence. Instead I was shoved towards the stairs.


"Get the hell out of here!" He screamed and went to the other side of the room. My eyes were stinging with tears threatening to spill. His raised voice frightened me. I didn't expect him to be this angry or aggressive. I thought I could actually get to know him and maybe become a little closer to him eventually. Maybe even help him with his problems that he clearly had. However, then I knew that that would never happen. He scared me off for life, that's for sure.


"I thought you were a different person, Gerard. I tried to understand but I'm giving up now." I said with a shaky voice and ran up the stairs. Before I closed the door I heard a loud bang coming from downstairs, assuming Gerard hit something in frustration. Why he would be frustrated with someone like me, I'll never know.


That was pretty much the last time I ever spoke to him. I never talked about it with anyone so I don't even know if Mikey was aware that his older brother was popping pills at that age. I saw him from my bedroom window from time to time but at the end of that summer he left to study in New York. Apparently he got accepted to a university to do art which I thought was pretty impressive. Unfortunately, I could never speak to him about that. Not anymore.


Hayley never knew about those encounters I had with Gerard. I didn't want to ruin it for her. She still liked him and even though I knew she would never go and talk to him, I wanted her to keep that little dream she had about what kind of a person he could have been.


I haven't seen Gerard since and he hasn't been on my mind at all. We were never friends so I had no reason to miss him either.



"Hello?" Mikey laughed and waved his hand in front of my face.


"Sorry what?" I asked shaking those memories off my mind.


"I said that Gerard is coming back next week. He decided to spend the summer at home before his final year." He explained.


"And?" I asked irritated at the thought of seeing him around again. Just the idea of actually facing him during the next two months made me cringe, even though it had been three years since the incident in his bedroom.


"Look," Mikey sighed, "I know you two don't get along very well. I do remember the last time you guys spoke to each other, you know." He said with a giggle. I didn't find it very funny though, if anything that memory was freaking traumatising. "It's just that Frank is having a party and invited Gerard and his friends and stuff. I was wondering if you wanted to help us with it." He said nonchalantly but my mouth fell open at that.


"Frank is inviting Gerard over? Did I miss out on something?" I asked shocked that they were on friendly terms now. What the hell was going on?



"He's friends with one of Gerard's friends and he has been hanging out with us whenever they came over. Look Kay, I don't know the details but my brother isn't that bad, okay? We've been getting along pretty well in the last months." Mikey spoke fast before I could ask any more questions. "There will be people from our school too, don't worry." He quickly added as if that was supposed to convince me to go.

I thought about it for a second and realised that I would be ruining it for them if I said no. Mikey seemed to be really excited about it. After such a long time of avoiding them, they were still not giving up on me and the least I could do is to help out with whatever this is going to be. It didn't mean I would have to attend the party. Right?


"Okay, whatever. What do you need me to do?" I said and rolled my eyes a bit, regretting signing up for this immediately. Mikey seemed to be pleased with my answer and grinned at me.


"Good! I'll tell you what you'll be doing by tomorrow. Frank will be psyched to hear that you're up for this." He said, his voice filled with excitement. I guess he was looking forward to seeing his brother again. No matter how much of a jerk Gerard was back then, he was still his older brother at the end of the day.


"You know, uh -" he started with an uncertain tone but cut himself off.


"What?" I looked up at him, squinting my eyes to prevent the late June sunshine blinding me anymore, wanting to know what made him sound so nervous.


"Uh, I actually think that you and Gerard could get along now, you know." He buried his hands deep in the pockets of his trousers and started kicking around a few little stones lying on the pavement.


"And what exactly makes you say that, Mikey?" I just let out a small awkward laugh.


"Well you both have been through a lot of shit. Not many people could relate to you two. Maybe you should give him a second chance." He said making me frown to myself.


Mikey was right, if Gerard went through something similar years ago, I might be able to understand how he felt back then and why he acted the way he did. Or perhaps he's still like that and that's why Mikey wants us to start talking again. That didn't mean that I wanted to hang out with him, and vice versa, or talk about what I've been through during the last six months. Gerard probably didn't even know what happened in his neighbours' house and even if he did, who said he would care?

Notes