Somebody once told me that you only need four hours of sleep to cover your basal metabolism. I'm not an expert, but I assume it's the minimum amount of sleep you need before your body goes mad of exhaustion. I have no clue whether or not that is an actual biological fact, regardless, I have been relying on it for a good week, getting barely those four hours in a night.


It was always either my parents' fighting keeping me up late, or my sister scaring me in a nightmare and waking me up too early. During those sleepless nights, I couldn't stop my brain from over-thinking every single aspect of my life. Unable to find any purpose for my miserable existence, I once again started toying with the idea of actually giving up.


To top it all off, school was starting in about two and a half weeks and I was definitely not mentally prepared for that. I knew that my reputation was still plagued by odd rumours, making people weirded out or, in the case of a few assholes, it turned me into an easy target for insensitive remarks.


The only person who seemed to pick up on my lethal thoughts was Gerard. He must have had a third eye that was receiving some sort of wrong vibes from me. I'm pretty sure it's a quality that us messed up people share because I could see pretty clearly that he was on the verge of destroying himself as well. In an awful way he was right when he said that it made me feel better, knowing that I am not the only one. It was like roving dead empty lands and suddenly meeting another lost soul.


Unlike all of my friends, teachers and even my parents, he didn't treat me any different though. He didn't have to keep himself at arm's length and tiptoe around me in fear of saying the wrong thing. In fact, he was doing the exact opposite by using his brutal honesty to get a reaction out of me. Somehow he knew that that wasn't the thing that would push me over the edge.


Actually, I myself wasn't able to pinpoint what exactly would have to happen right now for me to end it.


I have been successfully avoiding Gerard for a week. He said that he'd talk to me later, but after the last time, I couldn't imagine continuing the discussion we had started. He was talking about suicide so casually and with ease and I wasn't sure how I felt about that.


Of course, at some point I was bound to run out of luck. Mikey convinced me to join him in watching Frank's band rehearsal today, but he forgot to mention that his brother would be coming too.
Apparently Ray, the curly guy, was the other guitarist who provided them with the rehearsal room, alias his parents' garage. As soon as I noticed Gerard's car in the driveway upon our arrival, my stomach flipped and I braced myself for the awkwardness to come.


It was so bizarre. The only thing this place had in common with a garage was the strong smell of gasoline and oil. There were many different pieces of randomly coloured carpets covering the floor and one of the walls. On every step, there were tangles upon tangles of endless cables and cords, making it difficult to walk from one end of the room to another. Two small sofas were placed by the entrance in an L shape, divided by an ancient fridge in the corner, overfilling the already crammed space. Countless band posters were layered upon each other all over the walls and the ceiling, and the floor was peppered with broken guitar picks, bottle caps and crushed popcorn.


"It's nice to finally see you somewhere else than in a doorway, Kayleigh." Ray called at me when we walked in, surprised that I turned up too.


When Gerard finally noticed me as well, we greeted each other with a silent nod but even that simple gesture carried a certain amount of significance. He knew stuff about me and I knew stuff about him. Stuff that no one else in this room knew. I really wonder if or how we're going to start a conversation again. It's already too awkward to even be in the same room with him.


Thank God that there were quite a few people around so that I could just blend in without having to talk to him. Jess and I were sprawled on one of the sofas, buried in cushions, the Way brothers occupied the other one and sitting on the amps behind the band there were a few friends of Ray's and Gerard's that they met in college.


With so many strangers around, I felt out of place. Jessica knew most of the people in here and so she felt quite comfortable around them, plus she didn't have to deal with sharing painfully awkward glances with one of her neighbours.


To be quite honest, I'm not entirely sure what the whole fuss with band practices is about. I tried to look interested in the band but God was it boring. The fact that I got pretty much no sleep last night wasn't helping.


Don't get me wrong, Frank and Ray were both amazing guitarists, but after an hour of watching them debate whether or not to set a song in one key or another, I was hoping that they would just wrap it up for the day. Oddly enough, the only other person who seemed to be bored out of their head was the drummer, who had to actually pay attention to what the two at the front were constantly bickering over.


"No, no, no, I think you should play du dun dudu da -" Ray was strumming as he talked, but was interrupted by Frank mid verse.


"Ugh, I'm too tired for this, man. Let's try it your way next time." He took off his guitar and fist bumped the drummer who ran off straight away, claiming he had to be somewhere in a couple of minutes. The two guitarists walked over to us, Frank going straight to Jess to kiss her passionately.


She has been having a mental orgasm over him the entire time, and whenever they started playing a new song she had to nudge me in my side to remind me how hot and amazing he was. I cringed and averted my gaze, looking at Frank's guitar instead.


It was a beautiful instrument. I remember the day I was meant to see it for the first time. I missed those days when we used to jam together with the boys. I couldn't play anymore though. Not only did I break the only guitar in our house, I'd probably break my own heart too if I tried.


"You wanna have a go?" Frank must have noticed me staring as he handed it over to me.


"I'm good, thanks." I smiled softly and pushed it away gently, my fingers brushing over the smooth surface of the body. "I don't really play anymore."


A sudden realisation crossed Frank's features as he retracted the guitar again, but Jess bounced on the sofa next to me, clapping excitedly.


"Please Kayleigh, I wanna hear you play!" She was completely oblivious to Frank's warning looks that he was sending her way. I was going to come up with an excuse as to why I didn't want to play but in the corner of my eye I noticed Gerard lean forward, abandoning his conversation with Mikey.


I glanced his way to find him staring at me expectantly, which made me shudder on the inside. Feeling pressured by the both of them, I grabbed Frank's guitar, to his utter surprise, and put the strap over my shoulder.


The guitar was much heavier than the one my sister had, but gosh was it incredible! I slid my hand across the glassy neck, enjoying every centimetre of it. I bent over, picking up the lead before plugging it in again, and I grabbed one of the many guitar picks that were scattered around. When I finally hit the strings, it felt like heaven.


"Wow, the guitar might as well be playing by itself." I laughed, looking up at Frank who could only nod in agreement.


I started playing the opening riff to one of the many songs that Hayley had taught me. It all came back to me instantly and I suddenly wished I had a guitar of my own again.


"Holy shit!" Ray exclaimed, when I was half way through the intro to Eric Clapton's Layla. "You really do know how to play. Laaaayyyylaaaa!"


I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face as my fingers were gliding across the strings. I felt a little proud on the inside, having such a professional compliment on my guitar skills.


"Thanks." I said meekly when I finished the opening to the song. It was strangely refreshing, feeling the strings dig into the tips of my fingers after such a long time. Frank knew that I needed that. He was smiling up at me as I handed him his guitar back, winking at me in the process.


"Kay, you're so good." Jessica gave me a big toothy smile. I blushed, thanking her for the compliment. "I just love that song, I wish someone wrote something like that for me too." She exclaimed dreamily, raising an eyebrow at Frank.


"Babe, you do realise that the song is about him begging her to cheat on her husband, right?" He looked at her, horrified by her wish, and started a heated debate on whether or not the lyrics were romantic.


Curiosity got the better of me when I roamed my eyes across the other sofa, looking for Gerard's reaction since he seemed to be so eager to see if I could play. Mikey gave me thumbs up but his brother was nowhere to be seen.


Suddenly a weird sensation creeped up into my chest and I had a feeling that I knew why he left.


Not letting the guilt take over, I stayed inside and listened to the others talk about music, gossip and the new fast approaching academic year. After a while, however, I excused myself and wandered outside the garage, not wanting to think about school for as long as I could. Ray gave me the directions on how to find the kitchen so that I could get myself a drink, but I didn't even make it inside.


I was walking towards the front door of the house, when a cloud of cigarette smoke was blown into my direction. I flinched and spun around to find Gerard leaning onto the wall of the house, playing with his lighter.


Here we go, I thought.


I observed him for a few seconds, gathering the courage to approach him. He clicked the lighter in his hand, igniting the fluid, then he instantly killed off the tiny flame, only to repeat his actions all over again. I pushed away the nervousness that bubbled up inside of me, noticing the deep frown he was wearing as he was standing there motionless. I prepared myself for the inevitable.


"Hey," I said after taking a few cautious steps towards him. He didn't even look up at me. "Are you okay?"


He took a long drag and gave me a very gloomy look. I braced myself for whatever it was he was going to say but I sure as hell wasn't ready for what he silently muttered over the cigarette in his mouth.


"Sometimes it hurts just looking at you."


Ouch?


My heart sank at his words. There were so many ways he could have formulated his feelings but he just had to pick the most insensitive one.


I mean, fair enough, he got upset watching me play, but for Christ's sake, who actually says it like this? Congratulations, Gerard, you managed to make me feel awful once again. Stupid Hayley, constantly ruining everything I do. It's not my fault that I reminded him of her, I have feelings too.


"Oh," I tried to mask the hurt and shock in my voice, turning to walk away.


"Goddammit." He whispered to himself, realising the impact his words had on me. He sighed heavily. "Kayleigh -"


"Say no more, Gerard." I laughed humourlessly, throwing my hands up in a giving up gesture, ready to just walk off but he got a hold of the hem of my shirt, pulling me back towards him. I stumbled, fiddling with the fabric to get free.


"Wait -"


"Let go!" I pulled so hard on my sleeve that I thought we were going to rip the material. I didn't want to talk to him anymore. Not after what he just said.


"I promise you won't have to look at me ever again."


His eyes widened slightly at the venom in my voice.


"Kayleigh!" He hissed almost threateningly, throwing his cigarette somewhere into the grass next to us. With his now free hands he gripped my shoulders, steadying me in right front of him. Feeling a little intimidated by his warning expression and the tight hold he had on me, I stopped fighting him.


"I didn't mean it like that."


"I know exactly how you meant it." I retorted angrily but it only made him clench his jaw, frustration seeping out of him.


"I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry." He was looking me right in the eye, making sure that I saw his sincerity. "It gets tough sometimes, I'm still getting used to this whole thing. I only found out two months ago..." He trailed off and his hands slid down my arms as he let go of me, his eyes dropping to our feet.


Why did I feel the need to apologise now? It must have been the sympathy in my heart for him. Only Gerard could make me feel this way. I didn't know what to say, it's not like I did anything wrong. But then again he was right, it was still fresh news to him.


Awkward silence sprawled over us.


"Do you want to go back inside?" He asked when I wasn't saying anything. I shook my head curtly. The idea of talking to the others right now seemed unthinkable.


"Let's get out of here then." He said nonchalantly, fishing the car keys out of his pocket. I raised my eyebrows at the one eighty turn he just did.


He was about to get into the driver's seat but paused when he noticed that I wasn't following him.


"Come on, I've been meaning to show you something." With that he hopped in, knowing that my curiosity would get the better of me.

And it did.

The car has been parked in the sun for hours now, so when we got in, I thought I was going to faint from overheating. I was only wearing mini denim shorts and the seat was literally melting my skin. I'm pretty sure that Gerard thought the same, it was as if we were stuck in an oven. The fact that both of us were wearing long sleeves wasn't helping either.


It wasn't until we stopped at the red lights that Gerard lost it. He was tapping his fingers on the steering wheel impatiently when suddenly he turned to look at me, defeated expression clouding his eyes.


"Fuck this." He unbuckled his seat belt and shrugged off his jacket before throwing it on the back seat, and in that moment I realised that I have never seen him wear short sleeves. Ever. And I know this because it was such a bizarre and an unusual sight that I actually had to remind myself not to stare.


"Aren't you hot?" He asked, referring to the plaid shirt that I was wearing unbuttoned over a white tank top.


"I'm fine."


"It's not like I haven't seen it." I froze. In the corner of my eye I briefly scanned the uneven skin on his arms that were resting on the steering wheel. He had a point.


He was looking at the road again, letting me decide whether to roast myself alive or take that shirt off. Gerard was right, fuck this. I leaned forward and pulled the large piece of clothing off, folding it provisionally, before throwing it next to his jacket in the back.


The cool relief was instant, and to my surprise, I didn't even feel that exposed in his presence, and judging by his comfortable demeanour, neither did he. This was so new to me. We smiled at each other shortly, both of us acknowledging the shift in the atmosphere.


"Mikey said that you helped me to bed the other night." He started quietly. "I can't remember anything, but thanks."


I wanted to ask him about that night, why he did it and if he knew how much it hurt Mikey, seeing him like that. And how much it affected me. Knowing that it was none of my business, I kept my mouth shut.


"I hope I didn't say anything inappropriate." He said but it was more of a question.


"You called me my sister's name."


His face fell at that. Gerard knew by now how much I hate being constantly compared to Hayley. It was just weird. If she was alive, I'd be begging for it, but now... I heard him exhale loudly as he scrunched up his forehead.


"Kay, I'm so -"


I cut him off when I burst out laughing. Confusion took over his features completely, as he stared at me in shock.


"It's fine." I said, still amused by his horrified expression. "Trust me, you're not the first, nor the last to do that. Think of all the teachers and friends that get it wrong, gosh, even my parents mix us up sometimes."


He relaxed in his seat once again, relieved that I wasn't offended.


"Yeah, I mean, no offence to your parents, but who the hell came up with those names? Hayley, Kayleigh? How do you not mix it up?" He snorted, putting the indicator on, taking a turn to the part of the town that I've never really been to.


"Tell me about it." I laughed, watching the road. "Where are we going?" I asked genuinely curious, trying to change the topic.


"You'll see."


I had to accept the unsatisfactory answer as he wouldn't give me a clue about where he was taking me. I tried to guess a few times when we drove past the coffee shop and school but then we left Belleville and he stopped the car literally in the middle of nowhere, and I ran out of ideas.


It was one of those roads outside of the town where you'd see a car once every half an hour, maybe even less. For a second I thought that maybe he is secretly a psychopath and that I stupidly fell for it and now he's going to kill me and throw me into the ditch by this very road.


It wasn't that unusual in this area.


"Well?" I looked right ahead of us, confused. "Now what?" I eyed him suspiciously.


Gerard bit his lip excitedly and he nodded towards something outside my window. I looked out and gasped, overwhelmed by the sight.

There, right in front of us was a poppy field. It must have been the one he was telling me about earlier this summer. This time the flowers were blooming, setting the field on fire with their hue shades of red and rich carmine, overpowering the brightness of the sun.


I didn't wait for Gerard as I left the car and marched straight into the scarlet meadow, the ruby petals brushing against my bare legs. I caressed the blossoms, trying to imprint the image into my memory and keep it in there forever. I shut my eyes momentarily, feeling the sun burn against the skin on my arms. I took a deep breath, feeling the smile spread on my face. I haven't felt this alive and free since- I can't even remember how long it's been.


"I thought you might like it since you've never seen one before." Gerard's voice invaded my fantasy-like state of mind. I spun around to find him sitting on the hood of his car.


"It's beautiful." I skipped over to him, shielding my eyes from the late August sun. "Thank you for this."


I was really touched by this gesture and I almost came up with a funny remark about how this was so not like him, but I stopped myself, not wanting to ruin this special moment.


He smiled in response, sliding to one side of the car to make some space for me next to him. As I jumped up our bare arms brushed against each other, sending an unfamiliar sensation through my entire body.

For a second I almost forgot about the sleepless nights, the endless arguments and the kids I'd have to deal with in a couple of weeks.


I almost felt... normal.






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Notes

Can't wait to catch up and start writing about winter.... it's weird, writing about summer when it's so freezing outside...
Thank you for the comments guys, it means so much to me!!
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