Safe Haven

"I, I - I'm sorry." I stuttered out, embarrassed that I got caught. Jesus, I wish I would have never come in here.


"How the fuck did you know?" He was angry. I mean really angry.


I tried to wriggle my wrist out of his grasp, hoping that I could just bolt out of there, but his grip tightened as he pulled me down closer to his face.


"Fucking answer me!"


"I noticed them the other day." I replied obediently, praying for the Earth to swallow me. "I just, I just wanted to see them."


I guess I will never learn. Talking to Gerard has always been walking on a thin ice but today I have crossed all the lines. His hard glare was focused on my face, probably searching for a reason to not break my neck.


He wasn't saying anything, but he didn't let go of my wrist either. I knew I had to pick my words carefully.


"I haven't told anyone, if that's what you're worried about." I saw relief wash over his features after saying that. "Mikey, he - he doesn't know, does he?"


I winced when he dug his fingers into my skin in reply.


"I didn't say anything, I swear." I whispered desperately.


"You fucking better not have."


The way he was looking at me had me on the verge of tears. I don't think he'd ever believe me if I told him that I had good intentions when I came down here.


"You have to stop Gerard. This is only gonna get worse, she wouldn't have - " I didn't get to finish my sentence as he pulled me down in one swift motion, making my body slam onto the bed.


Before I could process what was happening, I felt my right sleeve being pushed up and Gerard's large form tower over me threateningly.


"You fucking hypocrite!" He pointed out the pink scar on my forearm. "I really don't need another smartass talk. Who do you think you are? Telling me what I should or shouldn't do, when you do shit twice as bad."


That hurt. It always hurt when people assumed that I tried to kill myself the same way my sister did. I wouldn't stoop that low. Ever.


"I didn't..." My voice broke under the weight of emotions that erupted inside of my head.


"What?" Gerard barked at me, the frown on his face deepening. In his hangover state of mind, he was even more unpredictable, which quite frankly terrified me.


"This," I pulled my arm from his grasp, "I didn't do it."


"What the fuck are you talking about?" Somewhat bored expression took over his face, as I proceeded to sit up slightly.


"The night that Hayley died," I paused, unsure of how to phrase this. I never felt the need to explain this to anyone, but with Gerard it was different. For some reason I didn't want to face his accusations.


"There was just blood everywhere, and, and I didn't see the knife in her hand. It all happened so fast. I didn't even feel it. It must have been the adrenaline." I blurted it out all at once, avoiding his eyes.


I'm not sure what sort of a reaction I expected from him, but Gerard surely surprised me. "That's not what I heard."


How fucking dare he! I just revealed to him one of the most traumatising, intimate moments of my life and he has the nerve to question it?


"Excuse me?"


I was sitting up properly now, looking him straight in the eye.


"Everyone knows you tried after Hayley did. Mikey says you -"


"Mikey wasn't there." I snapped defensively. He didn't seem to believe me though. "Oh my God, are you serious right now? You believe those rumours? I'm right handed Gerard, don't you think the scar would be on my left arm?"


Suddenly, as if that was enough evidence for him, Gerard nodded to himself, running a hand through his knotted locks. "Fair enough."


I felt that this conversation was going to get out of hand if I didn't leave immediately. I stood up and without a single word I started walking away. Just as I was about to reach the door, Gerard's voice stopped me.


"So the fact that you were on meds for months was simply because you were grieving?"


Where the hell was he going with this?


"Huh?" I turned around to face him again. He was still hunched over on the side of his bed, massaging his temples.


"Your mum talking about you getting better during the dinner, regular sessions with Ms. Hardy. Oh, and what about those four weeks in March you didn't go to school?" Gerard stood up and walked towards me slowly, never taking his eyes off me.


"How the hell do you know about that?" I wonder which one of my friends had discussed my situation with Gerard to this extent.


"Four weeks is a long time, Kayleigh." Ignoring my question, he kept strolling over to me, bringing his cocky attitude into the conversation.


"I was sick." I replied grimly, hoping that he would just drop it.


"For four weeks?" He stopped right in front of me, making me feel smaller than ever.


"What is it that you wanna hear, Gerard? That I was in a nuthouse for a month?" I started getting angry at this invasion of my privacy. "What's it to you anyway?!"


"Oh I don't know, what's it to you that I cut?" Fuck that was blunt. He started raising his voice too, which made me doubt everything I said.


I honestly didn't know what to say. I wasn't sure where he was heading with these questions, or why he wanted me to say it out loud.


"What are you doing in my room, hm?" He had me cornered, figuratively and literally. The cool wall behind my back was the only support I had at this moment, as Gerard's eyes flickered back and forth between mine.
"You keep coming back to me. Why?"


"I, I guess -" I choked on my own words, unable to form a comprehensive sentence. Why did I? I couldn't tell him that I was worried that he would be another person to destroy themselves completely.


"You are here, because somewhere deep inside you know that we have the same intentions, no plans for the future, no hopes. Just the countdown..." He still reeked of whiskey from last night, as he lowered his head towards me, speaking the words of truth. "You're a ticking time bomb, Kayleigh. And it just makes you feel better, knowing that you're not the only one."


My bottom lip quivered at his words. When he stood up straight again, my shoulders trembled as I let out a painful sigh. For some reason it felt like he knew me better than I did, although what he said wasn't completely true. At least I thought so.


"Anyway, you're probably gonna keep telling me and everyone else that you're just mourning your sister and that you're getting better." He shook his head. "God, you can't even admit it." He sneered as he turned away from me.



"Okay fine," he paused to look at me with eyes full of expectation. "You wanna hear it?" My voice was shaky, but I felt this new wave of determination. If he needed to hear it, for whatever reason it was, I'd tell him.


"You're right, I did try to kill myself." I shrugged and laughed humourlessly. "After she died, I knew my life would never go back to normal. I went to school after a week. A week, Gerard. And everyone thought that I had already tried to follow my sister's footsteps, all because of this," I lifted up my arm again.


Why was I even telling him all this?


"The kids called me an ungrateful bitch for doing the same thing to my parents that Hayley did. All because I tried to fucking pull her out of that bath."


I could feel my throat tightening up, and I prayed that I wouldn't cry. Again. Gerard didn't move an inch. He was just standing there, watching me, listening to every word I said. And so I kept talking.


"I was dead to them already. But you know what? I didn't care what they thought. What I did care about was that every time I came home, she wasn't there, and that I was reminded of what had happened. That I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most. And this is something I'm gonna have to live with for the rest of my life, Gerard."


I swallowed the tears that were pouring down my face uncontrollably. The room was dead silent, and I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I was so fucking embarrassed just talking about it.


"And then what?" He asked quietly and I gave him an incredulous look. He actually wanted me to keep talking about it?


"What?" I croaked, wiping my eyes.


"What happened next?" He asked, surprisingly calm. I hesitated as he took a step towards me again. "Tell me." He urged me, so I took a deep breath before continuing.


"I started getting these nightmares." I sniffled. "I became paranoid. I saw her everywhere. I was pretty much scared to go to sleep. I mean," I looked up at him only to find a slightly terrified Gerard looking back at me. I rubbed my forehead, letting out an airy laugh "God, you must think that I'm nuts."


I think that Gerard knew that I was just trying to avoid the topic. He didn't reply. He just waited for me to go on.


"I just couldn't take it anymore. My parents seemed to forget about me. Everything was about Hayley, all those arguments about who was responsible. Meanwhile, I was falling apart."


"And those four weeks?" He just wouldn't drop it, would he.


"If I didn't leave that stupid letter, telling them where to find me when all is over, or if I had hurried up..." I didn't know how to finish that. "I can't remember much. I woke up in the hospital." I mumbled, finally rounding up my story.


Gerard seemed to be satisfied with the vague answer. Thank God.


"You left a letter." It wasn't a question, more of a statement.


I simply nodded. "I know what it's like when one doesn't write it." I whispered, knowing that he knew what I meant.


It was silent afterwards. Neither of us moved, or said anything. All the while I wondered why he wanted to know all this.


When Gerard finally opened his mouth to speak, we heard a door slam from upstairs and Frank's lazy voice, as he walked through the corridor. "Mikes, make some coffee!"


Looks like they finally woke up. "Has anyone seen Kay?"


Gerard and I looked at each other, knowing that if they saw me coming out of his bedroom, we'd have to deal with their questions again, especially since I had puffy eyes and the remains of my mascara were smeared across my cheeks.


"It's fine, " Gerard whispered when he noticed that I was panicking on the inside. "You can use the back door and tell them later that you had to go to work or something."


There was a back door in their house that led to the basement, but it was always locked and I had never used it. In fact, I don't think the Ways ever used that door, as far as I can remember. I nodded, knowing that it was my only option right now.


Gerard unlocked the door quietly and held it open for me. I've been in many different kinds of situations with Gerard, mostly unpleasant, but I have to say that it has never been this awkward.


"Um, thanks, I guess." I said pathetically, standing in the doorway. I literally just thanked him after he made me cry. Again. What even happened in there this morning?


When he didn't say anything, I just walked out into the fresh air, getting blinded by the morning sun.


"Kayleigh," I turned around at the sound of my name. Gerard was looking at me, serious expression still clouding his features.


"Yeah?" I asked tiredly.


"I just..." He pursed his lips, contemplating what to say. "I'll talk to you again, okay? When I'm sober and not hanging." I was glad that he was aware of being a bit of a dick, and that this wouldn't be how we'd end such a serious conversation.


"Sure."


"And Kay?" I faced him one more time. "Don't tell anyone about it." He waved his forearm in the air a little bit, sending me a grave look, but I knew that it was more of a plea.


"You too." I said quietly and he gave me a stern nod.


I ran to my own house, praying that the guys wouldn't see me from the window. When I slammed the front door shut, I caught my breath again, only to break into tears one more time. I was sitting on the floor in a crying heap, going over the memories that bubbled up in the last twenty minutes that I had spent in Gerard's room.


What was he doing to me?


_____________________________________________________



6 months previously



"Oh my God, it's freezing!" Mikey muttered, the chattering of his teeth louder than his voice.


"Yeah, I vote for another trip to the cafe." Frank's hand shot up in the air, making me laugh.


"Oh, we can go Frank, absolutely, but I'm not paying for you again." I pushed him playfully. I could see his breath as he burst out laughing, knowing that I was right.


A thin layer of snow was dusted all over Belleville, turning the town into something magical. Suddenly all the New Jersey dirt was hidden underneath it, making us forget about the reality.


"So, Mikey, how's your new year's resolution going?" I poked my friend, skipping over to catch up with him.


"Knock it off, Kay, it's been less than two weeks."Mikey's cheeks reddened and I knew it wasn't because of the cold January breeze.


"You can't postpone it forever." I winked at him, just as Frank threw a tiny snowball at his head. "Hey!"


"She's right, Mikes, look at me! I made my move literally two seconds after midnight." Frank was running in circles around us, in an attempt to get warm.


"You did?" I smiled at him, wanting to hear more.


"Yeah, she was my New Year's kiss, how about that?" He stuck his tongue out at Mikey, knowing that he won.


"So when are we gonna meet Miss perfect? I wouldn't mind a girl joining our party." I asked, fixing my scarf.


"As I said before, she's in Mikey's year and I don't want him to ruin anything for me. Her identity will remain secret, until things between us are official." Frank faked a serious expression, which didn't suit him at all.


"As if." Mikey muttered. "What about you, Kay?"


"Me? Mikes, I'm probably gonna die a virgin, and I am perfectly content with that." I laughed, throwing my arms around their shoulders, as we continued walking towards our houses.


"Good, I can't imagine some random guy hanging out with us." Mikey grimaced and Frank gave me thumbs up, making me shake my head.


It was hard to get into the dating game when all you ever did was hang out with two over-protective boys, but as I said, I really didn't mind.


"So, you coming over to mine?" Frank asked, as we stopped at the crossroads where Mikey and I would always part our ways with him. Frank got a new guitar for Christmas that he's been dying to show us for the last month.


"Hells yeah!" Mikey exclaimed enthusiastically, but I hesitated.


"You guys have fun, I think I should go home." Both boys looked at me incredulously.


"But your parents are out of town." Frank pointed out, skipping on the spot to keep himself warm.


"Yeah, but Hayley is still here. She's been acting weird the last couple of days." I said, hoping that they didn't notice me being too concerned. I didn't tell them, but the reason I stayed out so long today was because I couldn't stand the weirdness that's been surrounding my sister recently.


She was so distant ever since she came home for the holiday, and just for one day, I wanted to have fun.


"How come she's still here?" Mikey asked, genuinely surprised. "Gerard left as soon as Christmas was over. We barely get to see him since he started college."


"I guess she's homesick." I shrugged, lacking answers. "Anyway, I'll see you guys at school tomorrow, I wanna hear all about that guitar." I smirked at my best friends, waving them goodbye.


I could still hear Frank's voice yelling after me, begging me to do his Chemistry homework, as I rounded the corner to our street. I laughed quietly, shaking my head, pushing the worry about Hayley away.


When I finally reached home, I was engulfed by the warmth of the house. I made a beeline to the kitchen and boiled some water for coffee.


"Hayley, I'm home!" I yelled, hoping that my sister would hear me. "I'm making coffee, do you want some?" Although I heard no answer, I poured two cups and made my way upstairs, walking extremely slowly, making sure I wouldn't spill the precious drink all over our carpet.


"Hey, sis, I got you a coffee." I said relatively loudly, so that she could hear me over the music playing in her room. It was Hurt by Nine Inch Nails, a band she introduced me to recently.


"Hayley, I know you're in there. Can you please come and get the coffee so that I don't feel like an idiot?" I said after a minute of waiting. No answer.


I sighed, leaning against the door.


"Look, I know that something's been going on with you." I chewed on my inner cheek, somewhat nervous about this whole bizarre behaviour of hers.
"I'll be just across the hall if you need me." I added, peeling myself off of the door again. "I'll leave the coffee here, don't let it go cold and don't knock into it."
I placed the mug on the floor next to the doorframe of her bedroom door and walked back to mine.

I spent the next hour or so working on mine and Frank's Chemistry homework. I was listening to Guns N' Roses through my new headphones that I got from my parents for Christmas, probably the coolest and most expensive present I have ever found under the Christmas tree.


When I looked at the clock, I was shocked to find that it was nearing eleven. I packed up my books for the next day and started getting ready for bed. I took my headphones off, expecting to be hit by silence. Instead, I could still hear faint notes of Nine Inch Nails.


Frowning, I walked into the cool, dark corridor, seeing the outline of the mug still standing by Hayley's door. I picked it up, realising that it was still filled with now ice cold coffee.


Something was off.


I knocked on her door again, this time with more intensity.


"Hayley, can you please turn it off, I'm going to bed."


Nothing.


I knocked again, accidentally spilling a bit of the cold drink on my fingers, causing shivers to erupt on my skin.


I could hear the song she was listening to coming to an end, and immediately I realised that it was the same song she was listening to when I arrived home. When the next song started playing, it was Hurt again.


"She looped it?" I asked myself quietly, somewhat impressed and weirded out by my sister's cassette making skills.


Not knowing what was going on, I just burst into her room, ready to tell her off for acting weird, only to find her room empty.


"Hayley?" I set the mug down on her desk, wiping my hand on my trousers. I walked over to the cassette player and turned it off.


The silence was deafening.


I stood by her bathroom door, an odd feeling creeping up my back.


"Hayley, are you okay?" I was getting worried.


I mean, she could have fainted in there, or slipped on the wet tiles. Or maybe she fell asleep in the bath. Or what if she dyed her hair red and now she's crying her eyes out, regretting that decision.


Numerous scenarios played in my head, as I contemplated my next action. Something could be seriously wrong. She must have been in there forever.


"Hayley, I get it, you don't want to talk to me. Just tell me that you're okay and I'll go away." I was gonna grab the door knob any second. "I'm coming in, Hayley!"


Locked.


"Fuck." I sighed when I heard no protests coming from the other side. Surely she'd have a go at me if I tried to walk in on her in the bathroom. My heart picked up its pace, when I realised that something must have been seriously wrong.


I ran to the main bathroom as fast as I could, pulling the key out of the keyhole. Luckily we had the same massive generic key in all of our bathrooms, that you could easily push out by simply pressing something small into the keyhole.


That's exactly what I did when I returned to Hayley's room.


The sound of the metal key hitting the bathroom tiles on the other side of the door was followed by the click of the lock, as I opened the door, letting thick hot steam roll out of the room.


No.

NO!


I didn't recognise my own voice when I screamed her name at the top of my lungs.


I had to grip the door for support. Everything went into slow motion. I began hyperventilating making my peripheral vision blacked out. What do I do?


I gulped on the thick air, covering my lips with my hand to prevent me from screaming. I heard sobs escaping my throat, uncontrollable cries full of despair, that I could not stop.



"HAYLEY!!!"


I screamed her name again in hopes of a reply, forcing my legs to move forward. I could feel the heat seeping out of the bath, pulsating into my skin.


"Oh my God."


The bath was filled to the top. The water was mixing with the thick metallic reds, the heavy haemoglobin creating an opaque crimson sediment around her figure.


I had to get her out. Her chin was dipped in the water and all I could see was her face and parts of her soaked hair. I dipped my trembling hands into the gruesome blend of water and blood, trying to find her shoulders in the cloudy mixture. I grabbed her chest, splashing myself with the warm liquid in the process, mentally retching at the sight.


"Shit, shit, shit, shit!" I cried to myself when I realized that she was too heavy for me to lift. I managed to pull her up into a sitting position, noticing the unfamiliar dark hoodie that she had on. The oversized piece of clothing she was wearing was soaked up with water, making it more difficult for me to lift her up.


"Hayley, please," I was sobbing again, knowing that I had to step into the bath, in order to be able to get her out.


I didn't take my shoes off. I just jumped straight into the bath behind her, gripping her figure with all I had. I don't know how, but eventually I fell onto the floor along with my sister, splashing everything around us with all shades of red and pink.


I must have pulled a muscle in my right arm or fallen awkwardly, as I could barely move it. That didn't matter now. None of that mattered.


"Hayley!" I shook her shoulders violently. "Hayley, can you hear me? It's me!"

Her beautiful pale face was entangled in her soaked hair. She had mascara all over her cheeks, the blackness mixing in with the blood in her hair. She wasn't moving, she wasn't responding, fuck, it seemed that she wasn't breathing either. I reached my hand to her throat covered with her hair, searching for pulse, but my hands were shaking so much that I couldn't tell if I felt anything at all.


"Shit, what do I do?" I croaked, feeling completely lost.


I pulled the long sleeve of the hoodie up, only to reveal multiple long slashes running along her arm. As I was pulling the second sleeve up, a long silver knife I recognized from our kitchen fell out, making a ringing noise at the contact with the tiles.


"Oh my god, Hayley, what have you done?!" I was panicking.


I stood up and ran to her room searching for anything that I could tie around her arms. I almost slipped on the wet floor, as I tried to hurry up. Grabbing a few of her scarves, I stormed back into the bathroom, dripping her blood all over the place.


I pulled at the ends of the fabric hoping that it was tight enough.


"Okay, ugh, hold on, Hayley, I'll get help." I said between breaths as I was pulling her soaked figure away from the blood smeared tiles into her bedroom. "I'll be right back, I promise."


I ran downstairs straight to the phone. I was waiting for the dispatcher to pick up but I must have been in line or something because it felt like forever before anyone answered.


"Come on, come on, fuck! Somebody pick up!!"

As I was standing in the hall, waiting, I noticed the trail of blood behind me. There's no way all this is from my sister.


"Where the fuck is all this coming from?" I was looking around when finally I heard an answer.


"911 , what is your emergency?" The woman was so fucking calm, it was almost irritating.


I blurted out my situation and screamed my address at this poor lady who was just trying to do her job.


"Okay, honey, they're on the way."


"Hurry up, please!" I cried, some of the initial adrenaline wearing off.


"They're coming, honey. Did you tie the wounds on your sister's wrists?"


"I did! Please hurry up!"


"Okay, good, that's very good, you have to make sure all of the wounds are properly tightened, okay?"


"I did, how long will they be?!!"


"They're on the way, I promise. Go open the front door so that they can get in, okay?"


"Fine." I dropped the phone, running to the front door. I ran out into the street, looking around, desperately searching for the red and blue lights of an ambulance. Nothing. It was a quiet night, no wind, no sounds, no nothing. It was snowing again, the white substance melting on my soaked up clothes. There was a red puddle forming at my feet. It was freezing out here. I was so fucked. Hayley was so fucked.
All of our neighbours were asleep.


I was alone.


I ran back upstairs to my sister's lifeless figure. She was in the exact same position where I left her. I sat down behind her and held her in my arms, rocking us back and forth.


"They, they're coming, Hayley, hold on." I tried to sound encouraging, searching for any hope to hold on to.


I double checked the provisional bandages I made for her, remembering what the woman on the phone said - make sure all the wounds are properly tightened together.
That's when I noticed something. I moved all her hair away from her face and her neck, only to be met with a deep gash on the side of her neck.


"What the fu-" I couldn't finish the sentence. My voice wouldn't let me. "Oh my god, Hayley. No!"


There was no way I could tie that together. I tried to put pressure on it with my free trembling hand. I felt it. I felt fucking everything in that tear, stuff that only doctors should ever have to deal with.


Why is there no blood oozing out of there?


Looking over her cold wet frame, I pulled on her pyjama shorts, to reveal more cuts. None of them were bleeding anymore.


"No, no.. NO! What have you done?!"


Somewhere deep inside, I knew that it was too late.


"SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!" I have never screamed that loud. I've never had to. "PLEASE!! Please, anyone!" I was choking on my own tears, weeping, begging my sister to stay alive.


"I'm so sorry Hayley. Please don't go. Please." I was getting tired. It felt like all of my energy was slowly leaving my body. "I'm so sorry Hayley. I love you." I kept whispering over and over again. "I love you, please stay with me."


Loud footsteps and banging brought me back to reality. Finally.


"WE'RE HERE! OVER HERE! HELP US!" I couldn't stop screaming.


Three paramedics stormed into my sister's bedroom taking in the scene in front of them. The next thing I know, Hayley is being taken away from my arms.


A man in his mid-forties did a quick examination on her with a flashlight and measured her pulse. For some reason I started feeling more helpless now that they were all here.




The man looked up at his colleagues and shook his head subtly.




"Oh lord." A younger guy sighed, rubbing his forehead.


"What?! What is it?" I shouted at them, breaking the silence. "What are you doing? Save her! Do something!"


"Darling, you did a great job, we're gonna take care of everything now, alright?" I wasn't paying any attention to the woman that was kneeling right next to me.


"Hey! Where are you taking her?"


"You need to calm down, now." This woman had her hands all over me, trying to keep me in place. I watched my sister being lifted up, droplets of water falling down from her body. That's when I noticed her necklace in her hand. She only started wearing it recently. Why wasn't she wearing it now? I don't know why, I just quickly reached out for it, saving it in my pocket.


Then she was gone.


"Where are they taking her?" I was too tired to cry again. Everything around me was going black.


"You're gonna be okay, what is - " the woman suddenly paused her blabbering as she grabbed my arm.


"She's bleeding, I need the first aid here." There was a certain amount of panic in her urgent voice."Get me some gauze!"


"Where is -" I couldn't talk anymore. I was exhausted.


"Don't talk, honey, we'll take care of you." The woman shushed me.


"Hayley?"


Hayley. She's the last thing I remember before blacking out.



___________________________________________________________



I was laying on the floor in her room. It's been a while since I came here. There were stains on the carpet from the stuff that they used to get the blood off. It was still pretty gross.


Torn posters were scattered all over the walls, her clothes were littered all around her wardrobe and there I was, in the middle of the mess.

I sighed, feeling the dried tears from earlier burn on my cheeks. I was playing with the silver key she used to wear until her last day.


Maybe it was all a dream. Maybe one day, I'll wake up and she will come back, and everything will be normal again.


But how do I wake up?


Gerard was right.


"I'm a ticking time bomb."







.

Notes

Hi everyone, thank you so much for the reads and comments, it means a lot to me!
Sorry for such a graphic scene. I felt that it had to be done in order to show why Kayleigh is the way she is. There was no other way around it.
M.
#GallonsfOfTheStuff