Safe Haven

If you told me three months ago that I'd go for a drive with Gerard to a such a Monet-like scenery as cheesy as this one, I really would have laughed in your face. Of all people it was him who took me away from it all for a while. Away from all the crap that awaited me back in Belleville.


The air felt heavy. The summer heat was mixing in with the road dust, making it hard to breathe at times. It didn't matter though, we were both enjoying the view, sitting side by side with our scars for the world to see.


I never wanted it to end. That feeling of having my own world where nothing mattered. I was waiting for Gerard to usher me back into the car, to tell me that he had to be somewhere, or that he was bored and wanted to go home. When I stole a glance his way though, I realised that this moment right here was a getaway for him as much as it was for me. In a way, he looked carefree, squinting his eyes to prevent the sharp sunlight from obstructing his view of the field.


All the while we've been talking, just like any other ordinary friends would talk, effortlessly, enjoying the natural flow of the conversation. And then we would laugh at times, gossiping about our friends, chuckling at every remotely amusing thing they've said or done.


The blazing sun forced us to sit down on the grass, using the car as a shield from the burning sensation of the sunlight. I found myself in a comfortable position by the passenger's door, one leg outstretched in front of me, the other folded underneath. Gerard was resting his arms on top of his bent knees, his left shoulder leaning slightly against mine. The space between us became nonexistent, and I caught myself blushing, very well aware of our proximity.


Suddenly we were sat in silence, but surprisingly there was no awkwardness to it. We were both staring ahead, still mesmerized by the beauty of the poppies, forgetting about the reality.


It didn't take long though before we started chatting away once again.


We made a small talk about the band rehearsal, how the boys begged him to join in and sing but that he was too busy with his final year at college. He asked me if I had applied to any universities yet, to which I just shrugged indifferently and said that I still wasn't sure if I wanted to go at all.


After a while I noticed that the sun had shifted across the field, leaving us with a darkened sky. Jesus, how long have we been sitting here for?



It felt so natural talking to him about normal, ordinary stuff. Why couldn't it always be like this? I started thinking about how it could be, if we got along. It definitely wasn't impossible. Now we've been talking for hours straight. When I came to see him in his bedroom, we had a good time, talking about art, college and whatnot. I liked talking to Gerard.
In fact, I think that I liked Gerard, period.


Wait, what?!



"We should get you home, it's getting late." Gerard declared much to my disappointment, interrupting my train of thought. "We've been here for hours." He stood up and stretched his legs, brushing off his trousers.


I tried to follow his suit, but failed miserably, bursting out laughing. Gerard only looked at me questioningly.


"I can't get up." I managed to blurt out between fits of giggles.


"Why?" He asked confused.


"Because," I threw my head back, hitting the passenger door, chuckling some more. I grabbed my left knee and attempted to lift it up without cringing.
"I can't feel my leg."


Turns out that sitting on your leg for hours straight cuts off all of the blood supply, leaving you with some serious case of pins and needles.


"Aah, I hate when that happens." He chuckled, offering me his hand to help me get up to my feet. "Come on."


As soon as he lifted me up, I fell back on my butt ungracefully, causing us both to laugh uncontrollably.


The whole situation was surreal and I loved it. This is Gerard Way, laughing at such an immature thing. With me. Is this really happening? Did today happen at all?


When he finally managed to get me to stand up, I attempted to shift my weight on the numb leg and, still laughing, I almost stumbled over my own feet. Suddenly, a strong arm caught me just before I could fall down again, wrapping around my waist.


"Oh God..." Gerard muttered silently, snorting as he pressed me flush against him.


The air got knocked out of my lungs completely from the closeness of our bodies. Unconsciously, my hands shot up to his shoulders to steady my falling form, putting me in a position I never thought I'd find myself in. He was so close to me. So close.

And there it was. The moment when the realisation hit me like a ton of bricks again.


Out of nowhere.



I really like this guy. I actually said those exact words in my head.
His hand at the back of my back was burning my side through the fabric of my top which suddenly felt thinner than ever. I felt each individual finger dig into my skin as he was preventing me from falling to the ground. I was painfully aware of my left leg resting against his, even though it was still numb, tingling as if thousands of ants were running up and down my shin.


I felt the smile die down on my lips as I once again replayed those words in my head. I like him. I like Gerard Way. And he's literally hugging me right now, even though he's blissfully unaware of the mental process in my head.


"Can you stand now?" He chuckled. I think it's important to say that my entire epiphany lasted about five seconds.


I nodded, completely dumbfounded, and watched as he walked around the car, a small smile still tugging on his lips. Right now, it wasn't just my leg that was numb. My entire body felt as if it didn't even belong to me.



The embarrassment didn't take long to work its magic. Heat sprawled over my face and chest, spreading the blush like a wildfire. I felt tiny droplets of sweat breaking out just underneath my hairline, and in places I didn't even realise one could sweat.


Ugh, get a grip, Kay!


The sound of Gerard's door closing startled me, snapping me out of my daze.


"What the fuck." I whispered inaudibly, forcing my feet to move forwards.


I limped to the car, hopping in, pathetically avoiding Gerard's eyes at all costs.
Chill out Kay, he can't read your thoughts.


"Let's get you home." He started the car and I stole one last glance at the beautiful poppies, which were barely visible now that it was dark. I knew that they'd forever remind me of this particular moment.


Even his voice made me feel weird, now that I had admitted to myself that I was actually attracted to him. It felt wrong. Something wasn't right about this and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I couldn't like him. It's almost as if I wasn't allowed to.


Why though?


A sudden wave of sheer terror shook me to the core as I realised the obvious answer to that question. Hayley.
He was her boyfriend. They actually went out. Gerard had always been a forbidden territory, and I guess I just sort of let that slip in the past few days.
This is Hayley's Gerard. It almost feels like I have no right to even think of him that way.


My heart rate increased, and suddenly it felt as if I had just woken up from one of my nightmares, my sister's threatening voice resonating somewhere in the distance.


"You look like you've seen a ghost."



"Huh?" I jumped upon hearing his raspy voice, snapping back to reality.


Gerard simply smirked at me, taking a turn to our street. By the time we arrived, the sky was dark, meaning it must have been around ten o'clock. I pushed Hayley somewhere deep into my subconscious, not letting her ruin this moment for me. It really was an amazing day in the end.


"I had a great time today." I decided to voice my thoughts. "Thanks for taking me there."


"Yeah," he smiled, forcing my heart to beat a little faster. "It's surprisingly fun to hang out with you." He teased.


"I'm gonna take that as a compliment." I smirked.


Smirked? What the... Am I flirting?


Gerard laughed a little, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel impatiently.


"We could do it again sometime." He started casually. "I'll be going back to New York in about two weeks and I have no plans for the rest of the summer." Oh my... Is this really happening right now? "We could have a look at your college applications."


"You'd do that?" I asked, a little surprised at that offer.


"Yeah, I mean come on. Obviously you want to apply for Art History. That was my choice originally before I settled on what I'm doing now." He explained, and for the first time in months I actually wanted to go to college.
"So what do you say?"


I blinked, absolutely shocked from this conversation we were having.


"I doubt you want to apply for English Lit like your parents want you to."


"That sounds great." I forced the words out, mentally patting myself on the back for not stuttering. "How about four o'clock on Friday at the cafe? Like last time?"


Gerard pursed his lips thoughtfully, nodding slowly. "Sure, that works for me."


We shared a content smile, and I couldn't help but feel the new friendship start all over again, making my smile grow wider.


"I guess I'll see you there." I picked up my shirt from the backseat and opened the door, giving him one last glance. "Thanks Gerard."


He waved and before I knew it, he sped off down the street, leaving me standing in front of my house, completely enchanted. My brain wouldn't give me two seconds to think about why he didn't park his car at their house and where he could have possibly gone at this hour.
No, my brain was too busy collecting my thoughts and processing everything that had happened within the past thirty minutes.



I was still smiling like a madman when I turned around and started walking to our front door. Suddenly there was a will in my heart to push through the next few days. As sad and naive as it was, Gerard gave me this new motivation that I so desperately needed to make it into the senior year and maybe even further.


I fished for the keys in my pocket but before I could even find them, our front door swung open to reveal my mum standing there, startling me when she suddenly embraced me in a tight hug.


"Kayleigh, thank God!" My smile dropped immediately when I heard the tears in her voice. "You're home!"


"Mum?"


She pulled away and I noticed her mascara running down her cheeks. My heart picked up its pace in horror. I wasn't sure what to expect. My mind was swirling with the worst scenarios, the most probable one being that they had an argument and decided that they were getting a divorce.
I definitely didn't expect what came next.


"John, she's home!" She called somewhere into the house as I closed the door, and seconds later my dad emerged from the living room, his work phone glued to his ear. As soon as his eyes landed on me, I could see the panic vanish from them, accompanied with a sigh of relief.


"It's fine, she just came home.... I appreciate your help, thanks." He said to whoever he was talking to, throwing the phone on the table and then he turned his attention to me.
"Where the hell have you been?"


"I told you last night I was going to see Frank and his band practise in the -" I started, confused and terrified from the way my parents were acting, but my mum interrupted me.


"Yes, we remember, that was at four o'clock, Kayleigh!" I flinched when she raised her voice, feeling significantly smaller. I wasn't used to face my mum's anger, it was usually dad who gave the lecture. Right now, I had to deal with the both of them.
"Do you realise what time it is?"


"Uh -" I was going to say ten, which would have been bad enough, but when I checked the clock above my dad's head, I realised that it was almost eleven.
"Shit." I muttered, not looking at either of them.


"Shit indeed." My dad walked over to us, and I knew that I was screwed. "You have no idea how scared we've been for the last three hours. What were you thinking?"


"I didn't -"


"Where were you?"


"I told you -"


"We know you weren't with Frank!" My mother's accusing tone sent shivers down my spine. "He called us at seven o'clock, asking if you were okay, because you just disappeared! You just walked out of there! Without a word!"



"I'm sorry." I said those words, knowing that they'd make no impact whatsoever.


"He said he made you play the guitar, he thinks it made you upset and that's why you ran off. He's feeling awful, Kayleigh!"


"Oh my God -"


"Where were you?!" My father asked again, emphasizing each individual word. He was running out of patience, so I decided I'd just tell them the truth.


"I was with Gerard."


There was silence. My parents shared a look that I could only decipher as complete and utter bewilderment. I didn't exactly want to talk to them about how Gerard and I ended up talking to each other, but at least I gave them peace of mind now that they knew that I wasn't just walking the streets of Belleville on my own tonight.


"Gerard?" My dad's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "You two hate each other!"


"Dad -"


"How could you do this to us, Kayleigh?" I suppose my mum was trying to get back to the problem at hand.


"Mum, do what exactly?" I could feel myself grow angry. "It's summer, it's not like I'm getting up for school tomorrow."


"That's not what this is about and you know it!" My dad hissed and I tried to keep a calm stance.


"So what? That's how it's going to be from now on?" My voice trembled as I attempted to keep myself from shouting. "I can't go out without your permission?"


"Given what you've done in the past? Damn well you can't!" My dad's voice boomed in the hallway, his face growing red. "What you did today was selfish not only to us but your friends who were worried sick about you!"


God damn you, Frank!


"Suddenly everyone is worried!" I rolled my eyes, making a dramatic hand gesture as I spoke.


"What are you talking about?" My mum placed her hands on her hips, adopting the defensive pose.


"It takes me not coming home for you to realise that something could be wrong! A little late, don't you think?"


I guess my parents didn't miss the mocking tone I just used, as they both looked beyond pissed off.


"What's that supposed to mean, Kayleigh?"


"I'm not having this conversation with you right now." I put my hands up and walked around them towards the staircase, very well aware that this was not the end of the conversation.


"We're not done here, come back!" I heard my father's voice as I ran upstairs.


"I'm really not in the mood for this kind of a talk right now! You can't just suddenly decide that you care and -"


I stopped the blabbering when I reached my bedroom. The lights were on, all of my drawers were open, books and sketchbooks were lying open on my bed and all over the floor. It was a mess.


"What the -" I couldn't even finish the sentence. "Why would you do this?" I gestured towards my room, feeling my dad's presence behind me.


I turned to look at him, confused, but mainly, profoundly pissed off. He sighed, rubbing his forehead.


"Dad!" I tried to get his attention again. "What is the meaning of this?!" I pointed somewhere behind me.


"We were looking for a note."


Wow. Just wow.
I stood there, speechless. How could this day go from amazing to...this? Of all days, I really didn't want to be reminded of my failed suicide attempt today. I didn't know whether I should feel bad, angry or upset that everything has gone to shits again.


"You have to understand, Kayleigh. Try and look at it from our point of view." He entered my bedroom and walked over to me. "You might think that we are overreacting, but -" I stared at him as his voice broke, pain shooting through my chest from seeing my father like this. His eyes watered as he took a deep breath.


"We've already lost one daughter -" He couldn't talk anymore as he cried there in the middle of my bedroom. I took a shaky breath, knowing that I wasn't far from crying myself.


"I'm here, dad." I wrapped my arms around him in a tight hug, which he immediately returned. "I'm sorry. So sorry."


I wasn't sorry for coming home late. I wasn't sorry for making them worried today. And I sure as hell wasn't sorry for being mad at them.


I was sorry that they had to live, knowing that there was a possibility of me doing it again. I was sorry that their only daughter was completely fucked up in the head.


And I was sorry that there was nothing that they could do about it.


______________________________________




Luckily for me, Friday came faster than I had expected. I was sitting at the buzzing cafe, sipping my second latte, laughing at some silly story from Gerard's freshmen year. It started with him explaining to me some weird ass drinking game that apparently I'd have to play too, if I went to college.


"How did that guy not get arrested?" I asked, almost choking on my coffee. "Isn't it a crime, running around the streets naked and drunk?"


"We managed to catch him before he left the campus." He explained, reaching for his cup. "Actually, that's the night I met Ray for the first time."


"Wait, it wasn't Ray who was naked, right?"


"Nooo!" He laughed. "I've never seen Ray get that drunk. That guy can drink anything and still be completely sober. I wish I had that talent."


I remembered the few occasions I saw Gerard drunk and just how horrible it can get. Yeah, I wish he was like Ray too. I decided to leave that conversation aside and focus on the scattered notes on our table instead.


"So," I started, setting my cup aside. "You think I should mention modern art in my application? Aren't they looking for more, I don't know, antiquity focused people?"


"No, you should, definitely." I loved how he became serious again, focusing on my application and my future. I've managed to keep my hormones at bay in the last few days, but I couldn't deny that I was fluttered every time he complemented me on my art knowledge or my ability to bullshit in my application.


"I think you should mention all of those things we were discussing today." He motioned towards the list of modern artists that I came up with earlier today.


"I could write about you and your art." I joked and Gerard snorted, shaking his head.


"Well, I wouldn't go as far as that. I don't think they'd appreciate comic book doodles."


"Who knows, maybe you're the next Roy Lichtenstein."


"Doubt it." He laughed. "Speaking of Lichtenstein though, there will be his exhibition next year in New York. You should go."


I'll go, if you go.
I wanted to say it but I stopped myself, before I could make a complete idiot out of myself. I took a note of it though, glad that he showed so much interest in my application.


"We should head home, it's getting late. You don't want to get into trouble again."



I didn't tell him about what happened after he dropped me off at home that night. It was way too embarrassing. The same night I called Frank to let him know that I was home, alive, with two freaked out parents thanks to his concern. He was quite surprised when I told him that I left with Gerard after the practice. Yes, I should have told them that I was leaving, I know. But Jesus, who would have guessed that they'd blow it out of proportion like this?


I was genuinely upset that he thought that it was more likely that I went and jumped under a train somewhere, rather than me simply spending the rest of the day with Gerard.


Frank then called Mikey who was apparently freaking out too, who then told Gerard. When he asked me about it today, I just said that my parents weren't very happy with me staying out so late, which was the understatement of the century.


I collected my notes and Gerard picked up our cups, bringing them over to the counter. I waited for him by the door, stuffing all the papers in my bag, oblivious to the person who just walked in and stopped to talk to me.


"Kayleigh?"


I looked up and was startled for a second. Tom. I haven't seen this guy since Frank's party.


"Hey." I couldn't help the cold attitude I had towards this guy. I never really liked him. He wouldn't leave Hayley alone and I always thought he was a bit weird.


"I'm so glad to see you." Dude, I wish I could say the same thing. "I was looking for you the other day actually."


"You were?" I pulled a face, feeling uncomfortable talking to this guy.


"Yeah, I," I could see that he didn't expect to see me here and that he didn't know how to phrase whatever it was he wanted to tell me. "I wanted to apologise about that night at Frank's. I was completely drunk and I didn't know about Hayley."


I sighed, frustrated with where this was heading. I really, really didn't want to talk about this right now.


"It's fine."


"No it's not fine. Kayleigh, I am so sorry. Now that I've heard about what happened, it must have been terrible for you."


I have to admit, I was taken aback by the sincerity in his voice and the sorrow in his eyes. At the end of the day, he liked my sister. It must have sucked for him too.


"This is going to be a silly question, but how are you holding up?"


It was a silly question but at the same time, he didn't ask if I was okay, which is what everyone does. He already assumed that I was messed up from it all and that there was no way I could be okay. And shockingly, I actually appreciated that.


"It's been difficult," I shrugged. "I just have to hope that it'll get better."


I gave him a sad smile which he returned.


"Do you want to get a coffee?" He surprised me with that offer.


"Uh, actually -"


"She already had a coffee. We're leaving."


Gerard's cold tone made the hair at the back of my neck stand up. I turned to look at him. He was standing right behind me, glaring daggers at Tom. I could feel his hands on my back, pushing me towards the door. It was as if the old Gerard came back, the one I had been trying to avoid my entire childhood.


"Way?" Tom's eyes flickered between me and Gerard, shock evident in his voice. "The hell are you doing here?"


"Go." Gerard ignored him, holding the door open for me. With his old demeanour back, I wouldn't dare not listening to him, so I just walked out of the cafe, baffled by the encounter.


Before Gerard followed me out, I heard him say something to Tom, barely making out the words.


"....I don't want to see you talking to her ever again...." I frowned, scared to even turn around and ask what it was all about. Gerard slammed the cafe door and stormed out of there, knowing that I would follow him to his car.


More drama, just perfect.

Notes