Safe Haven

It's been almost a week and I still couldn't wrap my head around it. I knew that he wasn't fine. But hearing about it and seeing a definite proof of it are two very different things.


Some of them were fresh, only a couple of days old. The simple idea that me or my sister could have caused it, was killing me. I didn't tell anyone, not even Gerard when I was leaving their house that day. I don't think he realised that I now knew about his secret though. When I was walking home from my morning shift today, I caught him smoking on their porch. We waved at each other but I was unable to force a smile, knowing about what's going on in his life.


"Are you done with that?" I jumped when my mum spoke, pointing at the remaining bits of lasagne on my plate. I must have been staring at it for at least five minutes, lost in thought about Gerard.


"Yeah, thanks." I passed her the plate and forced my lips into a smile. "It was really good."


"Is that why you were hypnotising it for like an hour?" She sent me a pointed look before cleaning up the dinner. I just rolled my eyes and joined her with the dishes. After a few minutes, the door bell rang. My mum looked at me, silently asking me if I was expecting anyone. I shrugged and pulled my hands out of the sink, making the water drip back down to let her know that I couldn't get the door.


I listened carefully, curious about who it was at the door but I immediately dried my hands when I heard my mum speak.


"Hello there, Frank." I ran towards the hallway, somewhat excited to see my friend, who was standing in the doorway, grinning happily.


"Can Kayleigh come out and play?"


___________________________



So apparently Mikey was having a movie night. Well, more like Frank was having a movie night, since he was the one who got all the movies from this random video rental shop in a nearby town.


"I said a comedy, Frank." I heard Mikey sigh as soon as we walked into their house. "Not a long-ass western during which I'm very likely to die of old age - oh, hi Kayleigh." Mikey smiled as soon as he saw me walking into the living room.


"Hi there." I smiled back as I plumped myself on the couch, pushing all thoughts of telling him about Gerard away.


"Once Upon a Time in the West is a classic Mikey. You have to at least give it a shot." Frank defended his choice of movie whilst pouring a bag of chips into one of the many bowls on the coffee table. "If we get half way through the film, and you still don't like it, we can watch one of the comedies that I got." He added, pointing towards the pile of cassettes next to the TV.


The second door to the living room opened and in walked Jessica, smiling at me shyly. We greeted each other and she proceeded to sit down on the armchair to my left.


"Oh yeah, I completely forgot that you two have met already." Frank chirped in, "after the very short meeting in my bedroom I mean."


"Frank!" Jessica gaped at Frank horrified but me and him simply laughed. We were all chatting and laughing together and I was glad that Jessica fitted into our little group just fine. But then again, she has probably spent more time with the boys in the last few months than I have.


"Okay, it's all set up." Frank announced and he squeezed himself onto the armchair that was already occupied by Jessica, pulling her onto his lap. "Mikes, turn the lights off."


Suddenly we were engulfed by darkness as the movie started. Mikey sat down on the same couch as me, placing two bowls of popcorn between us. The introduction to the movie was very quiet. I've seen it before and so I let my mind wonder off unintentionally. Suddenly, a question slipped my tongue before I could give it a second thought.


"Where's Gerard?" All of their heads snapped in my direction and I immediately regretted ever asking that.


"Why? Is that couch too big for you without him in there?" Frank smirked at me and I shrank into myself mentally, remembering Frank's face when he saw us together on this very couch.


"No, I mean, uh," I replied quickly, "I was just thinking that he might want to join us if he's at home. Would be nice of us to ask him to watch the film with us. Right?" I asked Mikey after my blabbering, a slight look of disbelieve was covering his face.


"He's out with his friends." He said and I nodded, focusing on the movie once again, trying to avoid their curious eyes, and they all followed. Gosh, I'm an idiot. Why did I even ask that? I rubbed my forehead gently, displeased with my stupid rambling, when I caught a glimpse of Jessica holding back a cheeky smile. She raised an eyebrow at me and I averted my gaze quickly in pure embarrassment, hoping that she wasn't getting the wrong idea.


About an hour into the movie, Mikey started whining about how the pace of the movie was making him hungry. We ended up ordering about five pizzas and kept watching the film, waiting for the heavenly sound of the doorbell announcing the arrival of our food. As much as I love the movie, the plot seemed to be dragging on more than usually, leaving me with my troubled thoughts.


"I'll get it!" I shouted excitedly when the doorbell rang suddenly, startling Mikey who was already half asleep. I jumped to my feet, grabbing the money from the coffee table, glad that I could occupy my brain with something other than Gerard for a bit.


"Bring it on." I mumbled to myself, swinging the door open, expecting to see a cheery pizza delivery guy to be standing in front of me. Instead, I was met with an awfully familiar face with curly hair.


"Hi Kayleigh." He managed to say between panting, looking surprised that I was the one to answer the door.


"You're not the pizza guy." I couldn't have sounded any dumber if I tried.


"No, sorry, I have something else to deliver though." This guy whose name I couldn't remember reached down next to the door to pick something up. When I heard a loud groan and muffled words, I realised that it was a person he was picking up from the floor. And after about two more seconds I recognised that person as Gerard.


"I found him in a bar near my house. He's wasted." The guy said casually, as if it wasn't a rare occurrence. Gerard was hanging on him like a ragdoll, as he was being pushed inside the house. "Will you be able to take it from here? I have to catch a train in a couple of minutes."


"Uh -" before I could say anything else, Gerard was being passed over to me, the harsh smell of whiskey engulfing me entirely. I was holding his left arm which was wrapped around my neck, supporting all of his weight. His leather jacket felt slippery in my hold, making it very difficult keeping him up. "Jesus Christ." I sighed loudly under the weight on my shoulders.


What the hell is happening?


"Hey, what's taking you so - Gerard?" Mikey emerged from the hallway, sounding alarmed. "Oh no, not again." He whispered but I heard him pretty clearly. "Thanks Ray." Mikey nodded at the young man in the doorway.


"Sure thing. Gotta run, take care guys!" The "Ray guy" waved at us and disappeared into the night.


"What now?" I looked at Mikey in absolute shock and despair. What's happening to Gerard? Is he going to be okay? Should we call someone?


I think he noticed how terrified I was, so he just ran a hand through his hair, pulling at the ends, and took a deep breath.


"He's gonna be fine, let's take him downstairs and let him sleep it off." I couldn't help but hear disappointment in Mikey's tone. This whole situation was so weird and random at the same time. Mikey went to open the door to the basement, holding it for me and Gerard, when a voice from the door stopped us.


"Three ham pizzas, two margheritas, one with extra cheese?" You couldn't even see the guy from behind the paper boxes.


"My left pocket." I told Mikey quietly, jutting out my hip to give him a free access to the money for the pizza. He reached around Gerard and took out the notes. "I'll put him in bed, you get the pizza and I'll come back in a minute." I don't know where that confidence came from but it seemed to work on both me and Mikey.


As soon as I had set off down the flight of stairs, I realised that I had overestimated my powers. I was holding onto the railing, trying to hold up myself and Gerard at the same time.


"Gerard." I called his name gently, not wanting to startle him in his delusional state, however, it didn't work in the slightest way. "Gerard!" I said, a few decibels louder this time, shaking him lightly. A low growl escaped his throat, meaning he must have heard me. "You're gonna have to help me a little bit."


"Huh?" He looked up at me from under the curtain of his hair, one eye still closed.


"Come on, let's get you downstairs." I tried to sound encouraging but when he hung his head down on my shoulder once again, I started losing my patience. "Wake up and help me. Now!"


That seemed to work as he moved his feet down, step by step, holding onto me like a monkey. After what felt like forever, we finally got to the bottom of the stairs. The room was dark with barely any source of light. At least Gerard seemed to be finally half awake and ready to communicate.


"What have you done, Gerard? Why would you do something like this?" I must have sounded very accusing, but the way he was acting was seriously starting to piss me off. All of the pity I felt for him only minutes ago was long gone.


Clearly he wasn't just drunk. I didn't want to even imagine all the shit that was probably circulating his body right now.


"I was, ugh, I couldn't - arrrffgh..." He was slurring words together, his voice as raspy as ever.


"You what?" I spat sternly, trying to drag him across the room towards his bed. Let's just say that he wasn't making it very easy for me.


"Oooh, are you angry at me, little Hayley?" He said between chuckles but paused when he noticed me staring daggers at him.


"I'm not Hayley." I replied grimly, supporting myself with one of his shelves as I kept on walking slowly to his bed.


"Oh wait, pffffffft," he suddenly burst out laughing, realising his mistake and letting go of me in the process, which led to him falling to the ground in a mess of giggles. "I know that!" He kept on laughing as if he just made the funniest joke ever. "Aaaah, I know you're not Hayley because Hayley's dead."


He said it so casually, between laughter, putting emphasis on the word dead, which made my heart stop. I was looking down on him, lying there on the floor, and for a second I considered leaving him there in the middle of his room. I really wasn't in the mood for this kind of conversation tonight. Then I remembered, however, what he was probably going through and that there must have been an explanation for him doing this to himself and his younger brother.


"I think I'm going to be sick." His laughter died down and I found myself panicking. I've never taken care of anyone this drunk before and my lack of experience was making me nervous.


"Oh God," I sighed, trying to pull him up into a sitting position. "Come on, your bathroom is only over there."


I somehow managed to take his jacket off, to make it easier for me to hold onto him, leaving him in one of his dark hoodies.


Once I have half dragged, half guided Gerard into the bathroom, feeling the sweat building up on my forehead, I turned the sharp light on, blinding the both of us for a few seconds. He was lying on the floor, squinting his eyes to prevent the brightness reflected from the pale tiles.


Worried that he might actually throw up any second, I grabbed him underneath his arms and tried to move him towards the toilet.


The cold light, my laboured breathing and his limp body in my arms - the entire situation reminded me eerily of what happened in January. The last time I was dragging someone across that bathroom tiles didn't end that well. I tried not to get upset though. Gerard might have been drunk but I didn't need him to see any more of my broken mind right now.


It's crazy what your brain can do to your body. All you need is a similar setting, high blood pressure, and you're back to the place that you have been trying to avoid.


"I'm sorry," Gerard mumbled in my direction from where he was hunched over the toilet, using it as a support, "it just sort of slipped."


I assumed he was talking about how he called me my sister's name about five minute ago.


"You're nothing like her, you know?" His words were slurred together, eyes shut. "I thought you were, but you're not."


I wasn't sure what he meant by that. I spent my entire life trying to be like Hayley - act like her, dress like her, I even listened to the same music as her. She was perfect. Surely, Gerard must have seen it too if he went out with her. The way he said it though, he made it sound as if there was something wrong with being like Hayley.


"And is that a good thing?" I thought I might as well ask since he was drunk and probably won't remember this conversation ever happened.


His eyes peeled open, searching for me in the bright bathroom. When they found me, a lazy smile was tugging on his lips.


"Yeah."


Before I could process what he just said, Mikey emerged from the darkness of Gerard's bedroom. Scanning the situation in front of him, he must have understood what was going on right now.


"Go get some food, Kay. I'll take care of it from here." He walked into the bathroom, trying to avoid stepping on Gerard's large form spread on the floor, and helped me up to my feet. Gerard seemed to have fallen asleep again, so I simply left the room and went back upstairs.


Frank and Jessica were already stuffing their faces with pizza when I entered the living room. Surprisingly, it didn't take Mikey too long to join us again.


"Well? Was he sick?" Frank asked, reaching for another piece of pizza.


"Nope." Mikey fell down on the couch, rubbing his tired eyes. "He's passed out. He just needs to sleep it off. Whatever it is that he's had tonight."


"Does it happen often?" Jessica chirped in with something I've been wondering all along.


"Too often for my liking." Mikey shook his head.


Was Gerard literally trying to destroy himself? This went far beyond casual drinking with friends, clearly he was doing this on purpose. Two or three pints of beer cannot simply turn into an intoxication of this extent.


I wasn't saying anything for the rest of the night, unsure of how to feel about this. Once the titles of the movie started rolling, I looked around to find Mikey curled up on the other side of the couch, sound asleep, and Jessica with Frank cuddled up on the armchair with their eyes closed.


"I win." I whispered to no one in particular as I turned the TV off.


The house went absolutely silent. I picked up the pizza boxes, napkins and empty soda cans, and made my way into the kitchen quietly. I tried to stuff all the rubbish into the bin without making too much noise.


Grabbing myself a glass of water, I came across their first aid kit, and a thought popped into my mind. I picked up two painkillers and filled up another glass with water to the very top. Peeking into the living room, I made sure that everyone was still asleep, and I made my way into the basement once again.


As soon as I walked in, I could smell the alcohol in the air. Walking towards his bed was a real task, given that there was no light apart from the single beam of light coming from the street lamp outside the tiny window.


I placed the water with the pills on his nightstand and turned my eyes towards his sleeping figure. His face was relaxed, there was no frown, no hard eyes, nothing. He looked carefree for the first time since he returned.


I knew that that was far from the truth. Gerard was not carefree. He had a troubled mind that was turning him against himself. Mikey was right. I understood him.


Giving him one last glance, I left his bedroom and joined my friends in the living room, ready for a night of an extremely uncomfortable sleep.


__________________



The barking of the neighbour's dog woke me up, and judging by the amount of sunlight piercing through the blinds, it must have been around half ten in the morning.


Frank and Jess were the first thing my eyes landed upon. Let's just say that these two really must do love each other. I have never met anyone who would voluntarily spend the night sharing a small armchair with someone else, risking the morning cramps and backache.


I groaned slightly, stretching my legs after sleeping in an awkward position next to Mikey all night. Looking at him, I had to give a small laugh. His neck was positioned in an almost unnatural angle. His awakening will be probably worse than mine.


I'm not sure whether it was the caring side of me coming out, or perhaps some guilt creeping up on me, or God forbid my fourteen-year-old self returning, but the first thing that I had the need to do that morning, was to go and check that Gerard was okay.


I mean, what if he's not feeling well and needs help right now? What if he drank or took something bad last night and now he's in a great amount of pain? Or what if he was sick during the night like he almost was earlier and now he's dead, laid in his bed?


That idea alone made almost stop mid-step on the stairs into his room. If that was the case, I didn't want the be the one finding him. I've had enough of that experience to last a lifetime.


Nevertheless, I continued my way into his room again, pushing all of my lame excuses aside, setting on the fact that I was simply worried about him. Standing by his bed, I noticed that the glass was empty and one pill was gone. He wasn't dead then.


I was observing his peaceful sleeping figure, pondering over the one thing that my hand was itching to do. The real reason why I probably came here in the first place. Something I wanted to do last night already.


Double checking that he was properly asleep, I reached my hand as slowly as possible to his left arm, brushing my fingers over the soft material of his hoodie and gripping it gently.


I hesitated for a minute, but the curiosity got the best of me. I started pulling his sleeve down, inch by inch, keeping an eye on his face, praying to God that he wouldn't wake up. Once I revealed the first row of his scars, I couldn't look anywhere else though.


I've heard stories. Apparently it's relieving and eventually it turns into an addiction. You slit the blade across your skin and wait for "the magic" to happen. Like an addict slicing a fresh, beautiful poppy, waiting for the "miraculous" drops to appear, to save them from reality.


I was staring at his forearm, completely defeated by the sight in front of me, feeling useless in this whole situation that Gerard happened to be in. I brushed the tips of my fingers across them, feeling the tears burn in my eyes. I had no idea how to stop this. Was there even a way for me to -


I gasped loudly when a hand gripped my arm tightly just as I was about to retreat from his bare one. My heart was about to stop any second. From the shock? Or embarrassment? Probably both. Looking down, I was met with a cold, hard, exasperated glare.
I felt even worse when his raspy morning voice growled at me.


"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"






-

Notes

Hi guys, thank you to those that are still reading! I'm finally done with uni and all my holidays so I'm finally free to write again :) Next chapter coming soooon!