When you go

Chapter 18
Gerards p.o.v
Everything hurt. From almost every aspect of my life, everything was just pain and even more fucking pain. Ever since Bert died, every thing seemed to fall apart. It’s not because i liked Bert or anything, it was because I killed him. Not intentionally, but i still did it. It’s like a had this hole in my chest right my heart was suppose to be, and every time something bad went wrong the edges would crumple away. I had a hole where my heart was supposed to be, so i couldn't feel it beat anymore. It was gone.
Frank seemed to make the pain go away though. When ever i was with him it’s like that hole didn’t exist, and my heart was beating again. He made me feel whole again, and for that matter happy.
But, i couldn’t be with him all the time, and when i wasn’t everything fall apart around me.
We were sitting at lunch when, much to my surprise, The jocks walked in. They looked at me and sneered.
Some time ago, last year maybe, i had an ‘episode’ i guess, and that's what made them hate me.
I can’t remember much if it, just that i was upset about my parents and something to do with Frank. I just blew up, and they were the ones i blew up on. With good reason of course. They were bullying this dude, Brendon i think, and i was pissed off about it. I didn’t even know the kid really, just that he was bisexual and had a boyfriend named Riley. His locker was next to mine and when they came up to him they immediately started kicking his ass. I was yelling at them, and eventually i hit the head jock but the rest is a blur. I kicked his ass, but his friends kicked mine.
Frank looks over at me worriedly, his eyes nervous. Ray, Bob, and Mikey carry on with their conversation, not realising the jocks are back.
“Just ignore them baby. Were fine.” he says gently. I nod, trying to compose myself. Luckily, they don’t say anything and they don’t look at us again. I grab Frank's hand as we get up to get lunch. He barely takes notice, just smiles faintly. I feel my heart thump in my chest and it makes me grin at him. He smiles back, unknowingly.
As soon as we all sit back down Ray gets a call.
“Hello?” He says, his voice polite.
Pause.
“When is it?” He asked solemnly.
Pause.
“Yeah. Alright, I’ll see you there.” Ray says hanging up.
“Who was that?” Mikey asks Ray, intertwining their fingers. Ray noticeably hesitates.
“Jayden,” He says slowly. “He was calling to invite us to Berts funeral.”
I felt as if i had been punched. I gasped for breath as i felt my heart stop.
“Gerard?” Frank says panickedly. I shake my head, trying to smile reassuringly.
“I’m fine, it’s okay.” I say quickly, not wanting to draw attention to myself.
“We’ll talk about this later.” Mikey says, worry creased in his fore head. Ray nods, kissing Mikeys head gently. Alex, who hasn’t sat with us in a while, suddenly sits down next to Frank.
“Hey guys!” He chirps.
“Hey Alex. Where the hell have you been dude?” Ray asked, politely smiling.
“I was out of school for a while. I went to visit my aunt is California.” He explained, smiling. Ray nodded with a small smile, satisfied with his answer.
We all start eating after that, occasionally talking to each other, but it’s mostly quiet. At some point after i’m done eating, I grab Frank by his small waist and have him sit on my lap. He giggles as i do so, a grin etched on his face.
“Mmm...Frankie?” I ask quietly.
“Yeah, Gee?” He asked happily. I nuzzle my face in his neck, pressing a gentle kiss to his warm skin.
“Do you wanna go on a date with me, baby?” I ask nervously. I had been thinking of going on a date with him before the whole...Bert thing. He twisted around, looking down at me.
“You're serious?” He asked giddily.
“Course baby.” I say smiling at him. He starts to get up from my lap, and just before i ask him what he’s doing, he sits down on my lap again, this time facing me.
“Of course Gerard.” He says happily. I smile at him before pressing my lips softly to his. The kiss makes my heart erupt with happiness and i feel myself smile against his lips.
“When are we gonna go?” He asked, grinning.
“How about Saturday night?” I ask, smiling back at him. I run my hands up and down his sides, making him shiver.
“M’kay.” He says happily. He puts his head in the crook of my neck, shutting his eyes. I hum happy, running my fingers along his soft skin.
“Were gonna be okay, right Gee?” He asks gently. I pause before answering, but i knew we would in the end.
“Yeah, baby. Were gonna be just fine.”
*
*
*
“Hey guys!” Donna says happily as we enter the kitchen. “I made you guys a snack in case you were hungry.” She says, grabbing a plate filled with homemade pretzels and mustard.
“Thanks momma.” Mikey says. I sigh. Frank tugs on my hand, leading me to the table. He sits beside me, hi hand never leaving mine. Mikey sits in Ray’s lap.
“Thanks Donna.” I say quietly. She looks genuinely surprised, but smiles and nods, leaving the kitchen.
“That was nice, Gerard.” Frank says happily. I smile at him, but i don’t really feel the smile. I really don’t like my mother.
“Yeah, well, I’ve gotta make an effort, right?” I say shrugging. He nods, picking up a pretzel.
“Gee?” Mikey asks softly. I look up at his soft gaze.
“Yeah?” I ask, smiling at his concerned eyes.
“Are you ready to talk about the funeral?” He asked nervously, yet somehow still softly. The smile immediately drops off my face, replaced with a pained look. I feel an ache in my stomach and chest, but manage to keep my breathing normal.
“Yeah,” I say, my voice uneven. “Just, please, don’t say his name. Please.” I beg.
“Yeah, okay.” He says quickly, trying to calm me.
“When is it?” i ask, my voice shaky. Frank grips my hand harder, trying to remind me he’s there i guess. It calms me almost immediately.
“Sunday. They asked you to speak. You don't have to though, it’s a choice.” He explains. I nod. They want me to speak at his funeral? I killed him!
“Why….” I trail off, wondering if i should ask the question or not. “Why would they want me to speak? I killed him.” I say, my voice monotone. I feel the guilt eating away at my stomach though. Franks head snapped towards me and Mikey lets out a gasp. Ray is the only one who looked remotely calm, but he still look surprised.
“Gee, you didn’t kill him. He willingly got into that car. You didn’t hold him at gunpoint until he got into the car, Gerard, he did it all by himself. It’s no one’s fault, it just happened. Shit happens.” Mikey says softly.
“Mikey, that's bullshit. I wish everyone would stop telling me that. I wish someone would blame me, fuck can’t i just pay the price for this?! Just to get this fucking guilt off my chest?!” I shouted, my voice pleading. Mikey’s face was twisted in pain, and Frank looked as if he was about to cry, but once again Ray was calm.
“Nevermind. Forget i said anything,” I say calmly. “I’ll speak at the funeral. What time is it?”
“10.” Mikey stutters out. I just nod.
The fuck what i going to say at the funeral?

Notes