Once I Was

Frank sighed, standing awkwardly on the Way family’s stoop. The boy hadn’t been over much for a few years, only occasionally visiting Mikey. He hadn’t spoken to Gerard until a few weeks back, still uncomfortable around the teenager after having everything about him be brutally shot down for a few months after Gerard had started using. As much as he cared about Gerard, Frank had finally had enough and just stopped showing up. Gerard didn’t seem to care. He couldn’t deny that his former friend’s indifference had stung, but eventually he had moved on.

Just a few days before, Halloween had passed and Frank’s 15th birthday had come and gone. Now here he stood, undeniably nervously as he tried to decide whether to even go inside. Eventually the weight of the guitar in his hand convinced him that he had come for a reason, and it would be a waste if he didn’t at least show Mikey his new instrument. The younger Way brother was interested in playing bass when he was older, and Frank had figured that maybe until then Mikey would be willing to listen to and maybe even help Frank practice. He rapped sharply on the thick wood, and after a few seconds heard some shuffling. Mikey opened the door, smiling a little when he saw Frank.

“Hey! What’s u- Woah, what is that?!” Mikey’s gaze had landed on the black case in Frank’s hand.

“Fairy dust. What do you think?” Frank rolled his eyes, although he couldn’t help a small smile playing on his lips at the younger’s awe. “Now let me in, will you? This thing is heavy.”
Mikey laughed and stepped aside, making a grand gesture of it all.

“Why thank you, good sir. To your room?” Frank raised an eyebrow, chuckling and heading up when Mikey nodded. The latter shut the door and followed close behind. When Frank popped open the locks, Mikey was practically on top of him trying to get a glimpse of the instrument.

“Get off!” Frank huffed, leaning backwards into Mikey to the point of knocking the both of them over. The two were quiet for a second before they both burst out laughing, Frank sitting up and shoving Mikey back down when he tried to do the same.

“Hey!” Mikey pouted, crossing his arms. “What was that for?”

“For being a butt,” Frank grinned, sitting back on his heels and finally opening up the guitar case. The gorgeous snow white guitar sat proudly in its black velvet case, gold hardware catching the light.

“Wow,” Mikey breathed, his eyes wide as he looked it over. “That is one gorgeous guitar.”

“Thanks,” A wide grin threatened to split Frank’s face in two. “She’s my new baby.”

“She?”

“Oh, yeah.” Frank blushed, scratching the back of his neck. “Yeah. Her name is Pansy.” He half expected Mikey to start laughing, but the brunette simply pushed his glasses back up his nose and nodded.

“That’s really cool, man. Now, the true question: is that name a reflection of you?”

“Mikey!” Frank whined, shoving his friend over when the latter broke into a fit of giggles.

“You totally set yourself up for that one,” Mikey snickered, pushing Frank back.

“Did not! You’re just an ass,” Frank blew a strand of hair out of his face. “Now do you want me to attempt to play or not?”

“Oh, god yes,” The younger Way settled himself in, watching Frank pull himself up onto the bed and bring the guitar up to his knee.

“Just remember I only got this, like, three days ago, okay? Unless guitar hero skills transfer, which I seriously doubt, this is probably gonna be crap.”

Without waiting for an answer Frank started to pluck out a few chords, the basic ones he had been studying continuously for the past couple of days. Mikey watched with his hands in his lap, for once not making fun of the short boy in front of him. Maybe five minutes passed before Frank’s hands stilled.

“That’s kind of all I know,” He shrugged, looking back down at the strings.

“Still, that’s pretty good considering how long you’ve had it,” Mikey commented, nibbling on his lip. “D’you think you could show me some of the chords again?”

Frank nodded, carefully positioning his fingers and explaining each chord to Mikey before strumming lightly. Apparently they were being louder than they realized, because about ten minutes later they heard a throat being cleared from the doorway.

Frank looked up and nearly felt his heart stop. There was Gerard, in all his gorgeous black-haired glory. Frank felt the weird fluttering in his stomach, the kind he had always attributed to nerves from the way Gerard used to taunt him. Now, though… he couldn’t really explain it. They just didn’t feel quite the same.

“What’s this? You play guitar now, Frank?” The eldest asked, quirking an eyebrow.

Frank shifted awkwardly, avoiding Gerard’s eyes. “I, um, I j-just got it. A few days ago.”

“Hm,” Gerard glanced at the Les Paul in Frank’s lap, eyes trailing up to the pale hands gripping it and finally to the teenager’s face. “You sound good.” The corners of his mouth turned upwards, a smirk that could almost be a genuine smile.

“T-thanks…” Frank stuttered, cursing himself for acting so strange. This was just Gerard, after all.

“I need water!” Mikey announced, his outburst startling Frank out of his Gerard-induced stupor.

“Okay?” He frowned, turning to his friend.

“I’m going to leave the room now.” The younger Way stated, and in his confusion Frank missed the pointed look Mikey gave his brother. Before Frank could question his need to point out the obvious, he and Gerard had been left alone. Frank fidgeted, looking down at his hands and feeling his heart hammering in his chest. Maybe his anxiety wasn’t as gone as he’d thought.

Frank heard a deep sigh, trying to ignore the footsteps and the feeling of the bed sagging beside him with the added weight of a second person.

“Frank… Frankie.” Gerard murmured, noting the way Frank’s body seemed to stiffen at the use of the old nickname. Gerard took a deep breath and Frank shifted again, his tightening chest leaving him to find it harder and harder to breath.

“Frankie, I’m sorry.”

Whatever the small punk boy had expected, it certainly wasn’t that. His mouth opened and closed, but no noise escaped past his lips. The elder sighed, running his hand through his slightly greasy, dyed black hair.

“Look. I know you’re uncomfortable around me, okay? I know it’s my fault. I fucked up. I was repressing a lot of my own shit, and I ended up taking out my frustration on you. It’s not excusable, and I don’t really expect you to forgive me, but I wanted you to know.” His gaze drifted to the floor as he recalled all the horrible things he would never have said without the influence of the drugs. “I’m clean now. I think you knew that, but still. I, um. I cleaned up. As of last year.”

Frank stayed quiet, turning this new information over in his head. Truth be told, he was torn. On the one hand, Gerard had said some pretty awful things to him. He’d ruined Frank’s self-esteem and given him reasons to find fault with his existence. And yet, despite all that Gerard had done, Frank still remembered the kid who’d agreed to play the damsel all those years ago. Deep down, he knew that kid was back. And he was sitting right beside him.
Without thinking Frank turned, throwing his arms around Gerard and pulling the other boy close, drinking in his scent and his warmth and just his overall essence. The younger’s eyes were screwed tightly shut; Frank was determined not to cry. However, he could do anything to stop his voice from cracking when he finally spoke.

“I missed you.” The sentiment was whispered, almost carried away by the quiet creaking of the old house. Gerard heard it anyways.

He was taken aback at first by the boy’s sudden gesture of affection, but before he could overthink it too much his arms had taken on a mind of their own and wrapped themselves around Frank as well. He rubbed a few circles, the position reminding him of when Frank used to cry to him when he fell down or the other kids reminded him of how ‘weird’ he was. Gerard wished he had realized then just how precious those moments were.

“I missed you, too. I’m so sorry.”

The two stayed that way for a while. Neither moved, neither spoke - nor did they need to. Everything was conveyed through simple touch. When Frank let go at last, his cheeks were damp and a tiny smile sat upon his lips. Gerard still looked nervous, worrying his lip between his teeth. Despite the hug, he still couldn’t help but feel like Frank didn’t forgive him. Completely fair, to be honest, but Gerard was still disappointed. That is, until Frank punched him lightly in the shoulder.

“Don’t ever do that to me again.” The smaller man murmured, a half smile gracing his features. Gerard’s brow furrowed, his mouth twisting into a frown.

“Do what? Hug you?” Gerard bit his lip, hard. He really hoped that wasn’t it. Frank chuckled a little and simply shook his head.

“Just don’t be a giant dickwad.”

Gerard raised an eyebrow, but couldn’t stop a lopsided smile from spreading across his face.

“I’ll try my best,” he laughed, his arm still hanging leisurely around Frank’s shoulders.

“Fantastic,” Frank murmured. As the two smiled softly at each other, each lost in his own world, one thing was certain.

As of this moment, they finally knew.

They were going to be okay.

Notes

The boys finally make up, roughly 4 years later. c: I promise, the true frerard is coming. Probably in the next chapter, to be honest. Probably. I hope you enjoyed, dolls~

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