The Only Hope For Me Is You

When I fell to the pavement it hurt like hell. But nothing hurt or could ever hurt as much as watching the love of my life take his life to save mine, right in front of my face. I couldn’t breathe. The car that took his life rushes off.
I hear myself scream. A loud ringing rattles my brain and everything is fuzzy as I pick myself up off the ground. I can barely walk. I only stumble.
I slap my hand over my mouth and cry harder than I ever have before when I see Gerard laying lifeless on the pavement in a puddle of his own blood. “Gerard!” I whine and kneel down beside his body and shake his shoulder aggressively. He doesn’t budge.
Cars still on the roadway honk and swerve around us both.
Gerard’s eyes are closed. Oh how I’ll ever long to lose myself in them. The siren from an ambulance echoes in the distance. Relief washes over me and I lay myself on Gerard, crying and tugging on his shirt. What have I done? The puddle of blood now beneath us both soaks into my jeans. It only makes me cry harder.
A continuous train of cars swerves around us. It made me mad. I sit up from lying on Gerard. “Kill me already! You kill him but here I am! Laying in the road and you can’t fucking kill me? Huh?” I’m screaming at the cars and no one can hear me in them but I don’t care. The siren grows louder and louder by the second.
I’m still laying on top of Gerard when the ambulance pulls over to the side of the road. Two men in blue uniforms come running up to us. They each take hold of one of my arms and pull me out of the road.I stay limp and let them drag me but I scream. I scream until my throat burns. “GERARD‼”. They don’t let the bloody screams affect them though and proceed to pull me away. Functioning is not an option for me anymore. Living and breathing without Gerard is pointless. He was my everything. I hear cars honking and swerving like crazy. “Stay here with this one.” One of the guys says.
I watch through blurred vision as one of the guys lets go of my arms and runs over to drag G away from the middle of the road. Another siren sounds in the distance. But it’s the police this time. Gerard is dragged-literally dragged across the concrete and set down next to the ambulance. A large streak of blood chasing his dead body. Jesus Christ these guys are awful at their job. I cry harder as the body is now closer to me. The guy that stayed next to me sets both his hands on my shoulders. I feel like biting them. “It’s going to be okay. What’s your name?” He asks me. But I stay silent. Why does he care? His buddy just dragged the love of my life across the ground. It’s like, where’s Gerard’s dignity? He doesn’t get to know my name.
“This one’s un-responsive.” He says. The one that took Gerard pulls a stretcher out from the back of the ambulance and opens it up. “He’s probably in shock. Just let him be. It’s the dead one we have to focus on right now.”
Well they definitely have my attention now. God, I just want to leave, to die. I try to kill myself but end up only killing myself inside because now I have to live with knowing that my own choices have taken Gerard’s life.
The police car pulls up against the curb next to the ambulance. The siren rings loudly throughout my head.
These dudes from the ambulance are complete assholes. “Just let me leave.” I say in a whisper. And the one with his nasty hands on my shoulders laughs. “Yea right buddy. Can’t do that. You get to ride with us.” I sigh; Great.
The sheriff gets out of his car and comes over to us. “What’s his status?” He asks the two men behind me. One of them says, “He’s just in shock.”
First of all, they didn’t even check me; they just dragged me over here and sat me down. And I know for a fact that I’m dealing with a lot more than just shock right now.“Then I take it I’m clear to take him in for questioning?” The sheriff asks.
I look directly into his eyes. “No. I didn’t do anything. You have to let me go.” He chuckles. “I’ll let you go when I’m done questioning you and if I don’t find you guilty of anything.”
I hear Gerard getting hauled into the back of the ambulance. It makes me cringe my face. It seems I have no other choice but to go with the Sheriff so I do. He sets a hand on my shoulder and guides me to the vehicle. “By the way things are looking it’s going to be pretty hard to convince us that you’re not guilty of anything.” He says.
“Why? What looks suspicious?” I ask. Just because I was huddled over Gerard’s dead body, crying in the middle of the road does not mean that I’m guilty of anything. I’m not a murderer.
“Take a look back on the situation you were found in. I got the whole description in the call. Oh yea, I’m not as stupid as you might think I am. What happened? Why were you laying on a dead body? Did you lose control and regretfully kill a friend, a stranger, a family member even?” The way this so called “sheriff” was talking to me made me insecure about everything. How am I supposed to fight for myself in this state of mind, with a jerk like this who already is assuming that I did something wrong intentionally.
“Aren’t you supposed to wait until we get to the station to start interrogating me?” I ask him. “Shut up!” he snaps. All the sudden I’m slammed against the police car. His hands were pressed really hard against my chest. I whine and start crying all over again. “Stop it please! You’re hurting me!” I say. He laughs deeply. “You listen to me. I’m the authority here and there’s nothing you can do to change the minds of anyone right now. You’re a murderer and everyone who’s heard the story knows it. I’m going to take you where people like you belong. The hell called, “jail”.”
He forcefully digs his large fingers into my skin. I scream so loud that it hurts my own ears. He finally releases me and shoves me into the car. “Get in there‼” He shouts. I do as I’m told and try to stop the crying. It really did hurt and I lift up my shirt to see the damage done. There are two separate spots where there are five small bloody nail marks. Ow.
He hops in himself after closing my door and starts the engine. It growls and snarls. I buckle up.
Within seconds were pulling away from the curb and on our way to the police station.
“Do everyone a favor when you get there and don’t mention the marks on y….” But I stopped listening to him. My mind went to Gerard right away and it triggered the water works instantly. He’s gone and it’s all my fault. I hate this entire situation. I hate myself. My existence is an inconvenience to everyone. Even the sheriff and ambulance team seemed disturbed just talking to me.
I set my hand down on the seat and feel something slimy and wet. It’s so dark in the vehicle that I can’t quite make out what it is on my hand so I taste it. Thick, iron tasting wetness just barely grazed my tongue and triggered my gag reflex. “Bleh!” I screech. I begin spitting and bleh-ing like crazy. It’s blood! Gerard’s blood! The seat is now covered in it because I soaked my pants when I laid on top of Gerard in the road. “Hey! Cut it out whatever you’re doing back there. If you don’t I’m going to taze you.” But his threat meant nothing to me. I wasn’t afraid of pain or dying anymore. A few minutes ago I realize that pain is all my life has been and now it’s all it’ll ever be. Gerard is gone forever. What’s the point of living? Dying would be a privilege.

Before long the car is pulled into the parking lot of the Police Station. My anxiety doesn’t soar like I would’ve expected it to. I stay calm. Like nothing could ever affect me badly anymore. What I saw on the road has scarred me forever and I’m pretty de-sensitized to everything right now. He gets out and opens my door, gesturing for me to get out. “Good boy!” He says poking fun in the most messed up way when I get out.
I’m immediately grabbed by the shoulders and pushed into the station.
The smell of “rotten everything” greeted me with a really painful smack inside my nostrils. It makes me cringe my face. A man with a bald head and scruffy beard sits behind the front desk inside the building, looking through a manila folder of papers. When he sees me and the sheriff he practically throws down the folder and then stands straight up.
“Uh…Sheriff sir, we have a problem. You know the man from cell 24? He um… he got out.” The sheriff behind me loosens his grip on my shoulders and marches right up to the man with the bald head. If people could blow steam from their ears, he’d be cooking something.
“How?” The sheriff asks in a low, angry, kind of, “if you say one more wrong thing then I’m going to knock all your teeth out.” Tone. Why is he such a freaking jerk?
“The guard for that block called in all the station reinforcements but he turned his back for one second and…boom! Gone! He was nowhere to be found.” I could tell that the man with the bald head was nervous talking to the sheriff. His voice was quiet and whiney. I observed that he was also shaking. I don’t blame him, I mean, this guy is scary. He means no B.S.
“Tell Jonah to meet me in my office in ten. STAT!” The sheriff snapped. The man with the bald head jumped at the last word and then obediently went off to do his thing.
I suck in my cheeks when the sheriff turns around so that he was now facing me. “Now as for you I’m going to take you downstairs where they keep the CRIMINALS. And you’re going to rot your skinny ass away down there until or unless we can get you a lawyer.” I nod my head “okay” and let him lead me once again with hands on my shoulders to the downstairs area.
Just when I was beginning to think that the smell of “rotten everything” could be as worse as any smell could get, I’m standing corrected downstairs. It’s ten times worse down here. I observe that there’s a man behind a desk to my left that kind of looks like the man behind the desk from upstairs. Except this guy doesn’t let the sheriff’s intimidating posture and awful glare faze him one bit.
He keeps completely concentrated on whatever he’s doing behind the desk. “Gordon!” The sheriff shouts. Gordon shoots himself straight up and focuses his eyes on the wall behind me and the sheriff. “Yes sir! Anything you need sir?” He asks.
What is this? The freaking military? So far, everyone here at the station has acted like they’re taking orders from a sergeant. I feel the urge to giggle but keep it in with everything I have for the shear fact that I might be executed if I show the slightest sign of dis-respect.
“Take this one to cell 19. Give him whatever food you served to the others. He’ll be staying overnight. Oh, and-“ But before the sheriff can finish a short older-looking man with a white beard comes down the stairs. He walks right up to the three of us, flashing a wicked smile of yellow teeth. He’s wearing a nicely ironed tux. So professional. Whoever he is.
“Hello. Mr. Lawrence.” And he holds out a hand for the sheriff to shake. He doesn’t move. “I’m here on behalf of Frank Iero.” I feel my eyes widen by themselves. And Mr. Lawrence chuckles a bit. “I’m your lawyer. A.K.A: a good chance at your ticket out of here. Ah, now, may I have a few minutes with Frank alone?” He asks.
The sheriff glares at me. “I guess I can’t say no. He’s all yours.” I didn’t have to ask what I was supposed to do. I followed Mr. Lawrence up the stairs and back into the main entrance area. No one was up here. It was silent.
He takes a seat in a chair beside the front office desk and gestures for me to do the same. I sit. He lets out a very un-attractive grunt. “Ahh…so, tell me. Do you want to be here right now?” I make my face look as confused as my brain is right now. “Um…Of course I do. Sir.” He grunts again. “Well I’m going to try my dang danrnest best to get you the life you deserve. Now that doesn’t just mean you can get out of here scot free. If the life you deserve is in jail then hell, there you will go. But I’m here to help and in order to do that I need the truth. The REAL truth. No small changes in anything. If you lie to me then I’ll walk right out those two front doors right there and never come back.” He points over to the two front doors to make his point. I mean, what he was saying was fair. He’s a lawyer and an honest one at that. The world needs more honorable people like him. I realize that he’s a person worth respecting and nod my head yes in agreement. “Yes sir.” I say in a whisper.
My hands were shaking terribly and I tried to hide it by sitting on them. “Alrighty, so tell me, what happened?” Here it goes. The story of a life time. Of course I begin by stuttering and making myself look more guilty than ever. Like I’m trying to make stuff up as I go along. “W…we-well s, sir. I…Gerard was, I walk- walked out but……….I was shoved-“ And just like that he cuts me off. He doubts my honesty.
“Look son, I need the truth. If it’s that hard to say then maybe I should leave right now because that doesn’t sound very honest to me.” Okay I had to admit, this whole “honesty thing” was getting ridiculous. For the love of god I’m just nervous, that’s all. Jesus Christ.
“Mr. Lawrence, sir, what just happened about an hour ago has me pretty damn shaken up. I’m telling the truth I swear. I’m just nervous.” He nods his head as if to say “I’m sorry” and smiles. “Sorry you were saying.”
I roll my eyes and make sure that he’s sees me do it. “I was kicked out of my friend’s house because I punched my boyfriend’s brother in the face. I got low. I ran to an alley and then decided that the world would be a better place without me in it. Mr. Lawrence sir, I tried to kill myself but somehow Gerard seemed to know that I would be there and he came running at me, shoved me out of the way, and got hit instead of me. That’s what happened. I didn’t kill anybody.”
I was crying again by the time I was done talking. His mouth hung wide open like a trout. “Well I must admit I don’t really know what to say. Tell you what. I’ll tell them to let you out of here tonight and I’ll file what you told me. In two days I will come to your house and take you to down to the courthouse. There you will get a fair chance at leaving this entire situation without blame. We’ll just have to hear what the witnesses have to say okay? How does that sound…Oh! And you will have to fill out a paper about the whole suicide thing. I’m afraid that I can only help you with getting out of this situation with Gerard but killing yourself is a whole other story. I’m sorry but the nuthouse is where people like you belong.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This is ludicrous. I thought he was my lawyer. Lawyers don’t insult people like that. He was helping don’t get me wrong but I don’t belong in the freaking nuthouse.
I bite my tongue until I think that I’m tasting blood, and nod my head. “Okay!? So do you need a ride home?” He asks. “That would be great. Thanks.” I say. But what about Gerard? Where is he? How is he doing?
Mr. Lawrence stands and stretches. I cringe my face when I hear the next grunt that he releases. “You’ll have to tell me where you live though.”
I stand and just before we are both about to leave, the Sheriff (of all the people) comes walking right on up the stairs and shows his ugly face. “I just got word about Frank’s…boyfriend? Anyways, they say he’s alive but he’s just in a coma. Apparently the hit from the car knocked the wind out of him and the loss of oxygen to his brain caused him to go into a never ending sleep pretty much.” And then the Sheriff finished his sentence with a really ugly laugh and walked back down the stairs. Man I really hate him.
Mr. Lawrence turns my way. “Sounds like good news.” He says to me. I don’t even know what to say though. I don’t even know what to do. I’m speechless, frozen, heartbroken, and a laundry list of other emotions and feelings are bubbling up inside me. “Gerard is alive.” I think to myself.
“I have to see Gerard.” I say. Mr. Lawrence looks worried. “I don’t think they’ll allow anyone but family at this time. He just got taken to the hospital. Usually for the first two days or so it’s family only.” But I don’t care. “If you don’t take me to see Gerard then I’ll see him myself.” I say rebelliously as I storm right on past him out the front doors. The cold air feels like a slap across the face. “Hey!” He shouts from behind.
I ignore him completely. “You can’t leave or they’ll have every right to arrest you. It’s like running from the police. I haven’t signed you out yet Frank!” I finally stop and turn around. “Then take me to see him. I don’t know where you stand on people being gay or whatever but I am gay and so is Gerard. We’re together and what happened on the road is my fault. We love each other. I should be the one in a coma right now. He’s dying, God damn it Mr. Lawrence! Take me to see my boyfriend!” I was kind of yelling.
I listen as he takes a deep breath and crosses his arms. “Like I said, they’ll only allow family for now but I guess that I can take you to see him when friends are allowed to visit.”
This wasn’t working out the way I had hoped. I just have to be with G right now. There’s absolutely nothing else in the world that I want more right now than to see his face. His gorgeous face. “You know what?” I say all pissy. “Fuck it. Just fuck it! I’m leaving…” I point in the opposite direction of Mr. Lawrence. “And I don’t care who comes to get me because I’m going to see Gerard. Fuck you.” And with that, I booked it. I knew where the hospital was.
I followed my own crappy sense of direction along the lonely sidewalks that seemed to engulf me in the familiar feeling. Nothing can stop me right now. I am determined. Determined to find Gerard and be with him. I need to tell him how sorry I am.
I take my pace down from running to walking now. I will be at the hospital in about an hour at this rate. But I don’t care. I’ll walk as long as it takes.

Notes