The Only Hope For Me Is You

My memory was fuzzy the next morning of the previous night. I don’t remember everything but I do remember very clearly that me and Gerard made love last night. It was beautiful, it felt beautiful, and all the pain and reality of life seemed to vanish the moment we were vulnerable with each other under the covers.
There was one point in time after it happened that we laid next to each other but were distanced enough that we weren’t touching, that he looked into my eyes and I looked into his and I knew. I knew that he is the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Yea I’m young, still in high school in fact, but the books and movies and quotes all tell you that age and circumstances shouldn’t change anything related to love. I love Gerard and I officially decided that I’m not going to let something as small as age and education determine whether or not we make this a life-long relationship.
By the time we finished up, the effects from the weed had mostly left our systems. We slept on and off for a while after we had sex, and then left back to Ray’s house. Gerard un-intentionally forgot to show me what he was originally going to in the first place-before we both got high as fuck.
When we got there Ray, Mikey, and Jenna were practicing a new song in the music room. Once they saw us come in they all ran over to us. “What took so long guys? I thought you were just going to show Frank something really quick.” Mikey says mostly to Gerard.
It’s late. Probably around ten-ish and it’s showing on everybody’s face. We all look exhausted. “Something came up. We didn’t mean to take that long.” Gerard says. Ray shrugs. “Whatever.Anyways, were fiddling around with the instruments. Do you guys want to join in? maybe scribble down some lyrics and add some voice into the song?”
I quickly shake my head no. And Gerard does the same. I’m so freaking tired and just don’t have the energy right now to sing. “I’ll pass. Sorry. I’m going to crash.” Jenna giggles. “What did you do that made you so tired?” Ray winks at us both. “Jesus Christ leave it be okay!? Nothing happened. We had some fun, that’s all.” Gerard says all exasperated. “We’d better leave the two love birds alone to go keep the nest warm.” Mikey says to Ray and Jenna as he sets a hand on each of their shoulders.
This is unbelievable. “I’m sleeping on your bed Ray.” I say and march into his room down a hall and to the far left. I hear G follow from behind. With each step he takes closer to me, the more I tense.
I flicker on the light in the room and see what time it is on an alarm clock next to the bed. Damn, it’s 11:32pm. I lazily kick off my converse and pull off my shirt, tossing it onto a pile of Ray’s clothes on the ground. “I think they know what we did.” Says Gerard.“You think.” I say back. I lay on my stomach on the bed and watch as Gerard closes the bedroom door, locks it, kicks off his own shoes, and takes off his belt. He was so sexy as he crawled up onto the bed and scooted real close next to me. I held my breath. Time seemed to come to a screeching halt the moment we were officially alone in the bedroom together. “Do you see an ending to us…ever?” I ask out of nowhere.
He rolls over on his back and puffs his cheeks out. “Of course not Frankie. Why would you ask a question like that? I mean, now I know that you’re thinking about that and it’s rather unsettling. Stop worrying so much okay? We’re fine. I promise.” I watch as he turns himself back over and comes up real close to my face. “Do you?” He asks me. I shake my head no. “I guess I’m just terrified of losing you still.” Dang he is so beautiful to me. The way the lighting in the room was hitting his face made him irresistibly attractive. I realize that I’m no longer looking at his face when he says, “Hey…” real quietly and seductively, then pulls my lips against his.
Kissing him always swept my own thoughts to the side in my head. It distracts me from all the worrying and pain and reality. It’s almost like an escape and that’s why it feels so wrong. I’m using him in the most dishonest way. This reality hits me and for some reason I don’t will myself to pull away, I only kiss him back harder.
A couple minutes of making out goes by and I begin to think that we’re going to have sex again but then we both hear a loud and obnoxious banging on the other side of the bedroom door. “So who’s the girl and who’s the boy?” We rip away from each other, losing the beautiful moment and sit up. The voice that asked the question sounded like Ray. “Jesus Ray, don’t you have something better to do?” Gerard asks. “We are both dudes by the way.” I cut in. Gerard looks over at me like, “Seriously? Don’t give him the reaction he’s looking for!” and then he nudges my shoulder.
Ray just laughs hysterically and Mikey and Jenna behind him chime in. “We’ll leave you to alone now.” He says. I scoff and curl up into a ball. I feel exposed and vulnerable. My sexuality is being made fun of and it hurts…Not cool…Not cool at all…
“Oh Frank, don’t let them get to you. They’re…jerks.” But what they said triggered a memory of me and Ray at my house back when my parents were alive. I squeezed my hands together and started crying. Gerard scoots me up against him and wraps both his arms around me, then rests his head on mine. “What’s wrong?” He asks tenderly.
I felt like a child, but frankly, right now, I was completely okay with that. I lift my head up and look him in the eyes to speak but I know that if I do, I’ll never stop talking and I just don’t have the energy to go on a rant right now. So I say, “Just kiss me.”
And with that, I was once again mis-using him to numb the pain. I love him with everything I am but I haven’t been kissing him when I’m actually meaning it to be an action of love. He grabs the sides of my face and rolls us over so that he’s lying on top of me.
Time goes by and I’m lost in his perfection again. Completely forgetting about life and how shitty it is.

The Next Morning…
I wake up naked. I see that Gerard is still asleep and naked as well. He’s using my stomach as his pillow. Why can’t I remember last night? All I can remember is us both kissing and then…BAM! Blank.
I decide to put the wonders aside and just relax. Just calm the heck down. Why do I always panic so much? God it’s annoying. I stress my own damn self out. And besides, whatever we did it must have been great because we’re both naked. It’s not like I’m waking up covered in someone else’s blood and holding a smoking gun.
I forcefully shift my focus on Gerard who is sleeping so peacefully on top of me. I can’t help but giggle quietly to myself as I notice that I’ve completely robbed G of the blanket and he’s lying there, his naked flesh exposed to the atmosphere. I’d like to think that Gerard is an alien. A creature of another planet because he’s so beautiful that it’s almost not human.
He jerks around all the sudden and then lifts his head up, his hair that was sticking to my stomach is now peeling off my skin. “Well good morning early bird!” He says with a grin. I force a smile back. “I woke up five minutes ago dork. By the way you’re looking beautiful today.” His lips find my stomach. “Thanks Frankie, you too.” He notices his nakedness and passes it on with a, “ehhh.”
I flicker a glance over at the alarm clock next to me and see that it’s noon. “Oh my god G! we have to get up! It’s-“ but then I realize that I don’t have school today and just go back to relaxing. “What’s wrong?‼” He asks in a panic.
“Nevermind. I forgot that I don’t have school today.” His silence told me that he understood.
We laid together in silence for two more hours before we got up and ready for the day. When I left G alone to finish getting ready in the bedroom, I walked out into the kitchen to find something to eat. No one was here. Huh.
“GERARD!” I yell. He comes running out with only a shirt on. “What the hell!? What’s wrong?”
“Where is everybody?” I ask. He lets out a long, depressing sigh and crosses his arms. “You seriously need to just calm down babe, okay? They probably just went to the store, or Orchard’s Tap. Why are you so worried?”
But I couldn’t answer. I’m not sure why I’m so tense.“Sorry. Just tired.” I answer. But he just shakes his head in disapproval as he leaves to resume dressing himself. Oh No. I’m letting my fears and conscience get in the way of how I communicate with people.
I rummage through some cupboards and find them 100% empty of food. Just some plates and bowls. Maybe they did go to the store.
But wherever they went they’re back now. The front door opens and Ray walks in with Mikey and Jenna laughing and smiling…carrying grocery bags. “Oh! You’re up!” Jenna says. Mikey closes the front door. They all come into the kitchen and unload the bags onto the counter. “We heard you and Gerard going to town last night. He MUST be the girl, I’m serious, the way you w-“ But I cut Mikey off with a fist to his face. I’d ran up to him and bruised his right cheek. It was like I was out of my body watching myself doing it. Pain rooted out from my knuckles and up into my entire arm. I felt like crying. I’m so sick and fucking tired of him and the others thinking it’s okay to make fun of someone’s sexuality. Right now I don’t care if we’re friends. I don’t want to be friends with him anymore. Even if he doesn’t agree with me and Gerard, he doesn’t have to give me shit like this.
I hear Jenna and Ray gasp loudly. Mixed emotions of anger, hurt, regret, and pain crash over me in waves. Mikey doesn’t say anything. He only stands and runs out of the kitchen. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Ray asks me. I turn around and look him in the eyes. “I…I didn’t mean…to…I …I swear.” I stutter. “Get out!” Ray shouts.
Jenna is crying now, and she leaves the kitchen to (I assume) go find Mikey. What have I done?I ask myself. I’m a monster. “But Ray,” I start. He’s practically fuming now. “Get the fuck out of my house Frank! You’re not welcome here anymore.”
I don’t argue. I just leave. There’s no place for me in this world, there has never been.
I try not to think about the love of my life that I’m leaving behind as I run as fast as I can out of the house, down the street, and cut off into an alley. Maybe there’s glass shards somewhere on the ground here. I think about looking for some. I don’t belong here.
I lean up against a dumpster and cry into the palm of my hands. “What have I done?” I ask myself out loud over and over and over and over. I think about my life when my parents were around and I actually had a house to live in, a place where I felt like I belonged.My parents never, ever agreed with me being gay when they found out but they sure as hell never said and asked things like Mikey and Ray.
Deep down I do regret hitting Mikey but somewhere else as well, I regret NOT hitting Ray.

Notes