I'm Not Okay (I Promise)
Telling Frank
One day you'll get sick of
Saying that everything’s alright
And by then I’m sure I’ll be pretending
Just like I am tonight
I storm out of the Way’s house, absolutely livid. Gerard is a fucking mess. He was so drunk that he couldn’t even stand on his own two feet. It’s all a load of bullshit.
Amber is still waiting for me on the curb across from the house. Upon seeing me she gets up and hurries across the street. I don’t even stop. My friend eyes me curiously but I don’t answer. She doesn’t need to deal with this. All of this is between Gerard and me.
“What the fuck happened in there?” Amber demands as we continue towards my house. Her face is still tear streaked, eyeliner and mascara clinging to her cheeks. Whatever Gerard and Mikey said to her must have been really awful. Amber usually just lets this kind of stuff roll off her back. She’s got nail marks on her palm, a sign that she was trying to calm herself down in the only way she knows how.
I can’t just ignore her, it’s not polite, “Gerard was drunk. He was acting like fucking idiot. Do you want to know what else…? He tried to kiss me again.”
Amber nods. For a few seconds it looks like she’s battling with herself. If I find out that Mikey or Gerard did anything to physically hurt Amber I’ll kill them. She’s fragile as it is.
“He didn’t hurt you did he?” I question as we enter my house and head upstairs to my room. My dad won’t be home for a while so until then we can chill up here with no worries.
“No, he just said a few things, granted I dished it out first. I don’t think I’ll be talking to either of them ever again.”
My eyebrow rises, teeth pulling on my lip ring, “Why is that?”
“They told me to leave, so I did, for good.”
“Do you really think that was a good idea?”
Amber shrugs, before kicking off her shoes and falling across my bed, “It’ll be easier in the end.”
“You always talk about the end. What do you mean by it all?”
For a long time Amber just looks at me. I can tell she’s thinking things over. I don’t push. She’ll explain things in her own time. I really just hope that she’s all right. Losing my best friend would kill me. We’ve been through shit before. If we got through that we can get through anything.
“The end of my life,” she answers quietly, her eyes set on the floor.
I’m confused, “You’re going to live for a long time Amber.”
“Not as long as you think,” she mumbles before sitting up. “Just forget it Frank.”
“Hey,” I answer, wrapping my arms tightly around Amber, “I thought we agreed it’s better if you’re alive.”
Amber’s words hurt, like being stabbed in the heart. She can’t die, or even try to die. Without Amber I’ve really got no one. The girl sitting in front of me has every reason in the world to live. I guess it’s my job to show her that.
“We did, but that was two years ago and this is now. Things change Frank. I’m not happy anymore.”
This frustrates me, “Amber, can I tell you something?”
She nods, her head buried in his shoulder.
“Years ago I met the most amazing person. She wasn’t exactly happy and she would never wear short sleeves. I made it my goal to be her best friend and to make her happy. I thought I was doing a good job but anymore I don’t know. She just doesn’t smile anymore. I want nothing more than to see her smile because it’s beautiful. You want me to tell you something else?”
Amber nods again.
“I think that you, Mikey and Gerard will work things out. The reason I think this is because when you’re with them you smile, and it’s wonderful. I hate that I’m not the person that can make you smile like that anymore but if they can then you need them.”
“I smile around you,” Amber answers, sitting up quickly. Her eyes swell up with tears. “Frank, you still make me smile like that.”
She runs her thumb over my cheek, fingers intertwined in my hair. I can tell that my words have upset her but it's how I feel and I'm not going to take them back. Things between Amber and I have been gradually changing and I'm not sure we're ever going to get back to how it used to be.
“Yeah, but it’s not the same.”
Sure, I wish it were. I like her too much but I can’t tell her that. Her and Mikey are getting closer. I’m losing Amber and there isn’t anything I can do about it; not unless I can man up and tell her how I feel.
“So you think I should go back there and forgive them?”
I shrug, “I think you should do whatever makes you happy.”
For a while Amber just sits there, staring up at the ceiling fan, “Frank…why did you kiss Gerard?”
“For a really dumb reason.”
“Will you please tell me?”
“Not right now, okay?”
She rolls over, playing with my fingers. Her eyes meet mine. She looks completely lifeless. I could cry. I’ve not seen her like this in such a long time.
“Can you make me a promise?”
Amber just blinks back at me.
“Will you please not kill yourself?”
“I can’t make that promise Frank. That’s a selfish promise for you to ask me to make.”
“It isn’t Amber.”
“Do you have any idea how much I hate myself?” Amber gets up off the bed. “I wake up every fucking morning and wish that I hadn’t. If I’m not with you I drink myself to sleep. I can’t be who I am because I have no fucking clue who that is! I can’t be happy because it makes you feel better!”
“You are the most selfish person I’ve ever met Amber! All you do is dump your shit on all of us! You can’t just make people fall in love with you and then rip their hearts out by saying you want to die!”
“Fuck you Frank Iero!”
“No! Fuck you Amber! Fuck you for making me fall in love with you! Fuck you for being the most amazing girl I’ve ever met in my entire life! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!”
Amber’s face twists from anger to curiosity in a matter of seconds, “You love me?”
I can’t help but laugh, “Out of everything I’ve said that’s what you took out of it?”
The redhead frowns, “I guess I’ve always been a little self obsessed.”
I get up off the bed and wrap my arms around her, “I’m sorry if what I said hurt your feelings. I just don’t want to lose you. You mean too much to me. I really do love you Amber.”
The redhead smiles, her arms still wrapped around my neck. “I love you too Frank. I just need you to know that I really am not happy. It isn’t because of you or anything like that…you actually make me the happiest person ever but I can't be with you always. I just hate everything about myself.”
“Hey,” I place my thumb under her chin, forcing her to make eye contact with me, “whatever is going on in that pretty little head of yours we will work through. We’ve been through much worse together. Also, you can stay with me forever if you want. I wouldn't complain."
Amber gives ma another smile, "You'd get tired of me eventually."
"Naw," I answer shaking my head. "Why don’t we go back to the Way’s and see if we can all be friends again.”
Amber nods, her fingers intertwining with mine. “Frank, will you please tell me why you kissed Gerard?”
“Can you wait till this weekend?”
For a few seconds Amber chews on her bottom lip, “For you.”
Saying that everything’s alright
And by then I’m sure I’ll be pretending
Just like I am tonight
I storm out of the Way’s house, absolutely livid. Gerard is a fucking mess. He was so drunk that he couldn’t even stand on his own two feet. It’s all a load of bullshit.
Amber is still waiting for me on the curb across from the house. Upon seeing me she gets up and hurries across the street. I don’t even stop. My friend eyes me curiously but I don’t answer. She doesn’t need to deal with this. All of this is between Gerard and me.
“What the fuck happened in there?” Amber demands as we continue towards my house. Her face is still tear streaked, eyeliner and mascara clinging to her cheeks. Whatever Gerard and Mikey said to her must have been really awful. Amber usually just lets this kind of stuff roll off her back. She’s got nail marks on her palm, a sign that she was trying to calm herself down in the only way she knows how.
I can’t just ignore her, it’s not polite, “Gerard was drunk. He was acting like fucking idiot. Do you want to know what else…? He tried to kiss me again.”
Amber nods. For a few seconds it looks like she’s battling with herself. If I find out that Mikey or Gerard did anything to physically hurt Amber I’ll kill them. She’s fragile as it is.
“He didn’t hurt you did he?” I question as we enter my house and head upstairs to my room. My dad won’t be home for a while so until then we can chill up here with no worries.
“No, he just said a few things, granted I dished it out first. I don’t think I’ll be talking to either of them ever again.”
My eyebrow rises, teeth pulling on my lip ring, “Why is that?”
“They told me to leave, so I did, for good.”
“Do you really think that was a good idea?”
Amber shrugs, before kicking off her shoes and falling across my bed, “It’ll be easier in the end.”
“You always talk about the end. What do you mean by it all?”
For a long time Amber just looks at me. I can tell she’s thinking things over. I don’t push. She’ll explain things in her own time. I really just hope that she’s all right. Losing my best friend would kill me. We’ve been through shit before. If we got through that we can get through anything.
“The end of my life,” she answers quietly, her eyes set on the floor.
I’m confused, “You’re going to live for a long time Amber.”
“Not as long as you think,” she mumbles before sitting up. “Just forget it Frank.”
“Hey,” I answer, wrapping my arms tightly around Amber, “I thought we agreed it’s better if you’re alive.”
Amber’s words hurt, like being stabbed in the heart. She can’t die, or even try to die. Without Amber I’ve really got no one. The girl sitting in front of me has every reason in the world to live. I guess it’s my job to show her that.
“We did, but that was two years ago and this is now. Things change Frank. I’m not happy anymore.”
This frustrates me, “Amber, can I tell you something?”
She nods, her head buried in his shoulder.
“Years ago I met the most amazing person. She wasn’t exactly happy and she would never wear short sleeves. I made it my goal to be her best friend and to make her happy. I thought I was doing a good job but anymore I don’t know. She just doesn’t smile anymore. I want nothing more than to see her smile because it’s beautiful. You want me to tell you something else?”
Amber nods again.
“I think that you, Mikey and Gerard will work things out. The reason I think this is because when you’re with them you smile, and it’s wonderful. I hate that I’m not the person that can make you smile like that anymore but if they can then you need them.”
“I smile around you,” Amber answers, sitting up quickly. Her eyes swell up with tears. “Frank, you still make me smile like that.”
She runs her thumb over my cheek, fingers intertwined in my hair. I can tell that my words have upset her but it's how I feel and I'm not going to take them back. Things between Amber and I have been gradually changing and I'm not sure we're ever going to get back to how it used to be.
“Yeah, but it’s not the same.”
Sure, I wish it were. I like her too much but I can’t tell her that. Her and Mikey are getting closer. I’m losing Amber and there isn’t anything I can do about it; not unless I can man up and tell her how I feel.
“So you think I should go back there and forgive them?”
I shrug, “I think you should do whatever makes you happy.”
For a while Amber just sits there, staring up at the ceiling fan, “Frank…why did you kiss Gerard?”
“For a really dumb reason.”
“Will you please tell me?”
“Not right now, okay?”
She rolls over, playing with my fingers. Her eyes meet mine. She looks completely lifeless. I could cry. I’ve not seen her like this in such a long time.
“Can you make me a promise?”
Amber just blinks back at me.
“Will you please not kill yourself?”
“I can’t make that promise Frank. That’s a selfish promise for you to ask me to make.”
“It isn’t Amber.”
“Do you have any idea how much I hate myself?” Amber gets up off the bed. “I wake up every fucking morning and wish that I hadn’t. If I’m not with you I drink myself to sleep. I can’t be who I am because I have no fucking clue who that is! I can’t be happy because it makes you feel better!”
“You are the most selfish person I’ve ever met Amber! All you do is dump your shit on all of us! You can’t just make people fall in love with you and then rip their hearts out by saying you want to die!”
“Fuck you Frank Iero!”
“No! Fuck you Amber! Fuck you for making me fall in love with you! Fuck you for being the most amazing girl I’ve ever met in my entire life! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!”
Amber’s face twists from anger to curiosity in a matter of seconds, “You love me?”
I can’t help but laugh, “Out of everything I’ve said that’s what you took out of it?”
The redhead frowns, “I guess I’ve always been a little self obsessed.”
I get up off the bed and wrap my arms around her, “I’m sorry if what I said hurt your feelings. I just don’t want to lose you. You mean too much to me. I really do love you Amber.”
The redhead smiles, her arms still wrapped around my neck. “I love you too Frank. I just need you to know that I really am not happy. It isn’t because of you or anything like that…you actually make me the happiest person ever but I can't be with you always. I just hate everything about myself.”
“Hey,” I place my thumb under her chin, forcing her to make eye contact with me, “whatever is going on in that pretty little head of yours we will work through. We’ve been through much worse together. Also, you can stay with me forever if you want. I wouldn't complain."
Amber gives ma another smile, "You'd get tired of me eventually."
"Naw," I answer shaking my head. "Why don’t we go back to the Way’s and see if we can all be friends again.”
Amber nods, her fingers intertwining with mine. “Frank, will you please tell me why you kissed Gerard?”
“Can you wait till this weekend?”
For a few seconds Amber chews on her bottom lip, “For you.”
Notes
Song: Never Let This Go by Paramore
@KidFromYesterday
Yay!!! Thank you, this story has been really great, as well as your others!!
10/2/16