I'm Not Okay (I Promise)
Run Away
Wait, where you say you've been?
Who you been with?
Where you say you're goin'?
Who you goin' with?
I lead Gerard up the stairs and to the car. Still upset from the conversation I’d had earlier with Ray I slam the car door shut. I start the black BMW and pull away from the curb, heading towards the city.
“Gerard just remembers you’re still you,” I state bringing up our previous conversation. He’d brought up Frank’s comment and his concern about being gay again. I’m kind of worried about him. I’ve not seen Gerard stress about something so much before. Hoping to distract both of us I turn on the radio. It happens to be on the Spanish channel playing the song Me Enamora.
Gee laughs a little, scrunching up his nose, “You listen to weird music.”
Rolling my eyes I hit the CD button and allow Mindless Self Indulgence to blare through the speakers. Gee sighs leaning back against the leather seats.
“I’m scared that maybe I am…ya’ know. I mean I drew this picture –” a sheet of paper is shoved in front of my face causing me to jerk the wheel, bringing the car into the other lane for a second – “he’s all I can think about.”
Swatting the paper out of my face I correct the car before answering him, “Frank’s got that effect on a lot of people.”
Gerard doesn’t seem to find my joke very funny. He rolls his eyes before shoving the drawing back into his coat pocket. I’d seen it earlier. It’s Frank and Gerard about to kiss. In my opinion it’s a fantastic piece of art but it’s obviously causing my friend severe distress.
“Have you tried talking to Frank about how his comment made you feel?”
My dark haired friend gives me a look that says he’s not even considered that as an option. I’m sure it’ll be scary but it’s better if Frank knows how he’s made Gerard feel. Chances are he’s got no idea. Frank’s a very touchy feely person. If Gee can’t handle that kind of a friendship he needs to be up front about it. I’m sure that Frank won’t get his feelings hurt.
As Gerard answers me I pull into a parking spot next to the dance instructor’s silver pick up truck.
“What the hell am I supposed to say Amber? Hey Frank I drew a picture of us almost kissing because you told me to loosen up the other night?”
I shrug, “Sure. Frank’s not going to think it’s weird.”
“I’m glad you don’t think so,” Gee answers opening the car door. “So anyway what are we doing here?”
I smile as we walk into the dance studio, “I dance Gerard. It’s like this incredibly freeing experience. I thought I’d share it with you.”
"You aren't expecting me to dance?" Gerard looks mildly terrified at this idea.
I laugh a little, "No, you just have to sit there and watch if you'd like."
He just nods as I walk over to start warming up. Although he looks a little out of place amongst the other people sitting and watching, it doesn’t matter. Gerard’s eyes follow me around, his lips occasionally pulling up into a smile.
When the real routine starts I stop watching Gerard. I let the music completely take over. All that is running through my mind is the dance moves. As the song slows and starts up again I flip, landing on my feet.
We run through the song a few more times before the instructor stops us. Heaving breathing can be heard as all eight of us gather up.
“As many of you know our competition is next week on Saturday. That is here in Newark starting at 6:30. You must be there and signed in by that time or you will not be able to compete. If we manage to make it into the top three dance crews we will be traveling to New York City to compete in the biggest street dancing competition on the east coast. See you guys on Tuesday.”
With a nod I look over to where Gerard is sitting next to him is Bob. I frown. What is he doing here?
Striding over to the boys I cross my arms over my chest, “Hello Bob.”
“Hey Amber, you looked really good out there.”
“Thanks,” I answer figuring it’s better to not start anything here. Of course I love Bob but I wish he would trust me enough to come to Newark and do my dancing. It’s odd for me to have invited Gerard. I don’t like performing in front of people I know.
“I seriously had no idea,” Gerard says as we head out towards my car. His eyes are alight and he’s talking with his hands. He only does this when he’s excited about something. “Well, I mean I know that you cheer but this is like something else. How come you don’t share this?”
“It’s kind of a private thing,” I answer turning to Bob who is standing by his silver Sedan.
“Will we be seeing you tonight Amber?” Bob questions.
I chew on my lip for a little bit, thinking this over. As much as I’d love to bring all my friends home to meet my family I’m worried about how they’ll react. The Bryar’s are very nice people and I’m positive they’ll be accepting of my group. I always feel so comfortable at the Way’s house and everyone’s so open there. Afraid that in a new element it just won’t be the same, I spend time a lot of time at the Way’s.
“I might be around later. Tell mum and dad not to worry, okay?”
Bob nods, “We miss you Amber.”
Glancing at the ground I shrug, “I’ve missed you too.”
With that I’m pulling into one of Bob’s bear hugs. He holds onto me for a few seconds before holding me at arm’s length. His eyes scan over me as if he’s trying to analyze if I’m doing all right.
“You could always come hang out with us ya know,” I offer with a smile.
My older brother scrunches up his nose. He’s very big on only hanging out with a handful of other band kids. For some reason he’s turned his back on the idea of having other friends. I’ve mostly given up on the idea of him changing his ways but I honestly feel like the group of people I hang out with now would be good for Bob. I think he’d like them a lot.
“Whatever floats your boat Bob,” I answer back before turning and heading towards my car.
Gerard tugs the door open, fiddling with the heat as soon as I’ve got the key turned in the ignition. He grumbles about it being chilly. I giggle at him as we head back towards Bellville.
“Are you hungry?”
“A little bit. It is almost six o’clock,” Gerard answers, his head resting on the window.
“There’s a diner pretty close to here that we could stop at. It’ll be my treat for dragging you along.”
Gerard smiles over at me. It isn’t one of his creep full-face smiles, it’s normal; the kind of smile I’m glad to see on his face.
The two of us eat quietly. I can tell that Gerard is thinking about something but I don’t want to press it. The eldest Way is very used to processing things alone in his head and I don’t want to interrupt that. He seems to be fairly good at it. If it’s what he needs to move past this Frank thing then I’ll leave him be.
Once I’ve paid we head back out to the car. “Thanks for coming with me today. Sorry if it was boring.”
Gerard shakes his head, backing me up against the side of my car. His hands are on either side of my head. His lips meet mine with some sort of urgency. His fingers intertwine in my hair, holding my face to his. For a moment I enjoy it. He’s rough and clumsy and it’s kind of slimy but it definitely isn’t bad.
Then realization floods in. I can’t be kissing Gerard Way. He’s my friend. Not only could this tear apart our entire group, I just can’t start anything with anyone. Having any of them be any closer to me that they already are would be cruel. I couldn’t do that.
I gently push on his chest with one hand, the other coming to rest on his cheek. “Gerard...we can’t.”
He refuses to make eye contact with me. “I just…. I have to go.”
Before I can stop him Gerard runs off. Quickly, I get in my car trying to catch up with him. Unfortunately, Gerard cuts through backyards and I lose him quickly. This isn’t good at all. Although he gives off the appearance of being okay I don’t think Gerard should be alone right now.
Pulling out my phone I call Mikey who answers on the first ring, “Hey, how are you?”
“Not so great Mikey, you’re brother…he, he just ran away. We’re out by Randy’s Diner. I’ve been driving around for like ten minutes. I’m worried about him Mikey.”
“Fuck, um…I don’t know where he would have gone. Maybe over to Ray’s? I’ll call him and let you know.”
“Thank you Mikey.”
He doesn’t answer. I’m sure he’s worried about his brother just like I am even though Mikey doesn’t actually know what’s going on. I try and think like Gee. I fail miserably because all I manage to think of is the bottle of vodka sitting by the corner of Gerard’s closet. Shit. That’s what he wants. By now he’s probably home.
I debate if I should call Mikey back or just go straight to the Way house. In the end I just decide to go straight to where Gerard lives. Right now it’s of vital importance to get to Gee before he does something stupid.
Who you been with?
Where you say you're goin'?
Who you goin' with?
I lead Gerard up the stairs and to the car. Still upset from the conversation I’d had earlier with Ray I slam the car door shut. I start the black BMW and pull away from the curb, heading towards the city.
“Gerard just remembers you’re still you,” I state bringing up our previous conversation. He’d brought up Frank’s comment and his concern about being gay again. I’m kind of worried about him. I’ve not seen Gerard stress about something so much before. Hoping to distract both of us I turn on the radio. It happens to be on the Spanish channel playing the song Me Enamora.
Gee laughs a little, scrunching up his nose, “You listen to weird music.”
Rolling my eyes I hit the CD button and allow Mindless Self Indulgence to blare through the speakers. Gee sighs leaning back against the leather seats.
“I’m scared that maybe I am…ya’ know. I mean I drew this picture –” a sheet of paper is shoved in front of my face causing me to jerk the wheel, bringing the car into the other lane for a second – “he’s all I can think about.”
Swatting the paper out of my face I correct the car before answering him, “Frank’s got that effect on a lot of people.”
Gerard doesn’t seem to find my joke very funny. He rolls his eyes before shoving the drawing back into his coat pocket. I’d seen it earlier. It’s Frank and Gerard about to kiss. In my opinion it’s a fantastic piece of art but it’s obviously causing my friend severe distress.
“Have you tried talking to Frank about how his comment made you feel?”
My dark haired friend gives me a look that says he’s not even considered that as an option. I’m sure it’ll be scary but it’s better if Frank knows how he’s made Gerard feel. Chances are he’s got no idea. Frank’s a very touchy feely person. If Gee can’t handle that kind of a friendship he needs to be up front about it. I’m sure that Frank won’t get his feelings hurt.
As Gerard answers me I pull into a parking spot next to the dance instructor’s silver pick up truck.
“What the hell am I supposed to say Amber? Hey Frank I drew a picture of us almost kissing because you told me to loosen up the other night?”
I shrug, “Sure. Frank’s not going to think it’s weird.”
“I’m glad you don’t think so,” Gee answers opening the car door. “So anyway what are we doing here?”
I smile as we walk into the dance studio, “I dance Gerard. It’s like this incredibly freeing experience. I thought I’d share it with you.”
"You aren't expecting me to dance?" Gerard looks mildly terrified at this idea.
I laugh a little, "No, you just have to sit there and watch if you'd like."
He just nods as I walk over to start warming up. Although he looks a little out of place amongst the other people sitting and watching, it doesn’t matter. Gerard’s eyes follow me around, his lips occasionally pulling up into a smile.
When the real routine starts I stop watching Gerard. I let the music completely take over. All that is running through my mind is the dance moves. As the song slows and starts up again I flip, landing on my feet.
We run through the song a few more times before the instructor stops us. Heaving breathing can be heard as all eight of us gather up.
“As many of you know our competition is next week on Saturday. That is here in Newark starting at 6:30. You must be there and signed in by that time or you will not be able to compete. If we manage to make it into the top three dance crews we will be traveling to New York City to compete in the biggest street dancing competition on the east coast. See you guys on Tuesday.”
With a nod I look over to where Gerard is sitting next to him is Bob. I frown. What is he doing here?
Striding over to the boys I cross my arms over my chest, “Hello Bob.”
“Hey Amber, you looked really good out there.”
“Thanks,” I answer figuring it’s better to not start anything here. Of course I love Bob but I wish he would trust me enough to come to Newark and do my dancing. It’s odd for me to have invited Gerard. I don’t like performing in front of people I know.
“I seriously had no idea,” Gerard says as we head out towards my car. His eyes are alight and he’s talking with his hands. He only does this when he’s excited about something. “Well, I mean I know that you cheer but this is like something else. How come you don’t share this?”
“It’s kind of a private thing,” I answer turning to Bob who is standing by his silver Sedan.
“Will we be seeing you tonight Amber?” Bob questions.
I chew on my lip for a little bit, thinking this over. As much as I’d love to bring all my friends home to meet my family I’m worried about how they’ll react. The Bryar’s are very nice people and I’m positive they’ll be accepting of my group. I always feel so comfortable at the Way’s house and everyone’s so open there. Afraid that in a new element it just won’t be the same, I spend time a lot of time at the Way’s.
“I might be around later. Tell mum and dad not to worry, okay?”
Bob nods, “We miss you Amber.”
Glancing at the ground I shrug, “I’ve missed you too.”
With that I’m pulling into one of Bob’s bear hugs. He holds onto me for a few seconds before holding me at arm’s length. His eyes scan over me as if he’s trying to analyze if I’m doing all right.
“You could always come hang out with us ya know,” I offer with a smile.
My older brother scrunches up his nose. He’s very big on only hanging out with a handful of other band kids. For some reason he’s turned his back on the idea of having other friends. I’ve mostly given up on the idea of him changing his ways but I honestly feel like the group of people I hang out with now would be good for Bob. I think he’d like them a lot.
“Whatever floats your boat Bob,” I answer back before turning and heading towards my car.
Gerard tugs the door open, fiddling with the heat as soon as I’ve got the key turned in the ignition. He grumbles about it being chilly. I giggle at him as we head back towards Bellville.
“Are you hungry?”
“A little bit. It is almost six o’clock,” Gerard answers, his head resting on the window.
“There’s a diner pretty close to here that we could stop at. It’ll be my treat for dragging you along.”
Gerard smiles over at me. It isn’t one of his creep full-face smiles, it’s normal; the kind of smile I’m glad to see on his face.
The two of us eat quietly. I can tell that Gerard is thinking about something but I don’t want to press it. The eldest Way is very used to processing things alone in his head and I don’t want to interrupt that. He seems to be fairly good at it. If it’s what he needs to move past this Frank thing then I’ll leave him be.
Once I’ve paid we head back out to the car. “Thanks for coming with me today. Sorry if it was boring.”
Gerard shakes his head, backing me up against the side of my car. His hands are on either side of my head. His lips meet mine with some sort of urgency. His fingers intertwine in my hair, holding my face to his. For a moment I enjoy it. He’s rough and clumsy and it’s kind of slimy but it definitely isn’t bad.
Then realization floods in. I can’t be kissing Gerard Way. He’s my friend. Not only could this tear apart our entire group, I just can’t start anything with anyone. Having any of them be any closer to me that they already are would be cruel. I couldn’t do that.
I gently push on his chest with one hand, the other coming to rest on his cheek. “Gerard...we can’t.”
He refuses to make eye contact with me. “I just…. I have to go.”
Before I can stop him Gerard runs off. Quickly, I get in my car trying to catch up with him. Unfortunately, Gerard cuts through backyards and I lose him quickly. This isn’t good at all. Although he gives off the appearance of being okay I don’t think Gerard should be alone right now.
Pulling out my phone I call Mikey who answers on the first ring, “Hey, how are you?”
“Not so great Mikey, you’re brother…he, he just ran away. We’re out by Randy’s Diner. I’ve been driving around for like ten minutes. I’m worried about him Mikey.”
“Fuck, um…I don’t know where he would have gone. Maybe over to Ray’s? I’ll call him and let you know.”
“Thank you Mikey.”
He doesn’t answer. I’m sure he’s worried about his brother just like I am even though Mikey doesn’t actually know what’s going on. I try and think like Gee. I fail miserably because all I manage to think of is the bottle of vodka sitting by the corner of Gerard’s closet. Shit. That’s what he wants. By now he’s probably home.
I debate if I should call Mikey back or just go straight to the Way house. In the end I just decide to go straight to where Gerard lives. Right now it’s of vital importance to get to Gee before he does something stupid.
Notes
Hope you all enjoy. You want another chapter from Frank's POV? Yes? No? Let me knowSong: Crash by You Me At Six
@KidFromYesterday
Yay!!! Thank you, this story has been really great, as well as your others!!
10/2/16