I'm Not Okay (I Promise)
Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Grown up
She just turned 16
Stuck in the moment
Dead at the scene
And it's on tonight
This is the life that you wanted, right?
I got a call from Gerard about thirty minutes ago asking if I wanted to come over and hang out with everyone. Although I’m supposed to be doing house chores while my parents are away I decide to post-pone those. ‘Silence of the Lambs’ sounded a lot more entertaining than mopping or doing dishes. The five of us watch through two movies before Frank becomes antsy, unable to sit still for more than a few hours at a time. Gerard suggested video games.
Now I am sitting in the basement of the Way house, watching Mikey get his ass handed to him by Amber. Although Amber is usually terrible at video games she has mastered one of them…Call of Duty. She plays it at Frank’s almost non-stop and is able to beat just about anyone. I frown as I watch her interact with my friends. Her plan is going to rip everyone apart. She’s become a staple in the Way’s life and Frank is madly in love with her. I don’t think Amber understands the repercussions her actions are going to have.
“And I win again,” Amber says with a smile before holding the remote out to Frank. He takes it from her before plopping down on the ground. The redhead gets up and moves to sit on Gerard’s bed next to me. I’m given a weak smile but nothing more. Any more conversation between Amber and me is forced and awkward. I refuse to budge on my opinion on her plan and Amber is stubborn and refuses to see things from my point of view.
“How’ve you been Ray?”
“Fine. You?”
Amber shrugs, playing with a string on her pants. I notice a few more marks on her arm but decide not to say anything about them. I’m tired of arguing with the redhead. “I wish things didn’t have to be weird between us.”
“Yeah, well you’ve made them that way. You can’t just dump that kind of information on me and expect things to continue to be normal.”
“You could just forget I told you,” Amber offers as if that’s a plausible solution to the problem that I have to face everyday.
“That’s such bullshit Amber and you know it. I can’t just forget that you told me that you want to kill yourself. I don’t understand how you could do that to all of us. You’re the most selfish person I’ve ever met.”
“Then tell someone Ray, force me not to do it.”
“You’ve backed me into a corner there too. If I tell you’ll do it earlier than you’ve originally planned.”
“Then just drop it and stop trying to talk me out of it Ray.”
As I go to respond Gerard calls Amber’s name, pulling her attention away from our conversation. She gives me a quick ‘we aren’t done talking about this’ look before walking across the room to talk to the eldest Way.
How am I supposed to drop it? She’s going to kill herself in; I check my phone for the date, less than three weeks. I try to wrap my brain around how she can just keep on living her life knowing that this is what’s waiting for her. I guess she’s more fucked up than I originally thought.
I first met Amber is the seventh grade. Even then she was a little strange. She talked about death a lot more than any other thirteen year old I’d ever met. At the time I thought it was just a British thing. She was a friend and we lived close enough that my parents would let me walk to and from her house as long as I left before five. As we got older I realized that Amber suffered from depression. I’d spent hours on the Internet one night with Frank trying to find a cure. We’d both been pretty disappointed to discover that there wasn’t one. Amber always tried to shelter Frank from her disorder. Due to this I bore the responsibility of being her person to talk to. I figured out the interworking’s of Amber Bryar’s brain pretty quickly. She’d wanted to die back then too but wasn’t brave enough. Unfortunately as Amber aged she also got braver.
“What’re you deep in thought about?” Frank’s voice pulls me out of my head. I don’t know how to handle him anymore. He’s so madly in love with Amber that if I told him what her plans were I don’t think he’d believe me. He knows she’s messed up but not like I do.
“Just thinking about Amber. She seems to be getting along with everyone. I think that’s good for her.”
My tattooed friend nods his agreement a smile creeping over his face, “I’m glad that she’s meeting new people and not partying as much. She won’t admit it but I think she’s started dancing again.”
“Interesting,” I muse as the redhead lets out a laugh.
I glance over at her. She’s positioned on Gerard’s desk. She’s doodling on her hand while Gerard sketches. The two occasionally exchange glances, smiles spreading across their faces. When I’d first introduced the two I’d meant for them to get together. Gerard and Amber are both depressed and I thought maybe they’d help each other out. Instead Amber got Gerard back into drinking. In the end I think I’m glad that they just ended up as friends.
“Did she stay at your house last night?” I question Frank whose eyes are set on the television screen. Mikey had put in yet another movie. I don’t recognize this one.
“Yeah. First time in a while actually. I think it was the first time in a few months that she’d not been blackout by eleven.”
I nod. “Just be careful Frank. Amber can be toxic sometimes.”
He just shrugs before turning his attention back to the movie. Amber and Frank have been friends for longer than her and I. Frank thinks he knows her better than anyone.
About an hour later Amber gets off Gerard’s desk, “You ready to go?”
“Oh shit, we have to go to Newark today. I almost forgot.”
Amber laughs a little as she pulls a jacket out of the closet for Gerard.
“We’ll be back later,” my friend says before the two disappear down the hallway.
She just turned 16
Stuck in the moment
Dead at the scene
And it's on tonight
This is the life that you wanted, right?
I got a call from Gerard about thirty minutes ago asking if I wanted to come over and hang out with everyone. Although I’m supposed to be doing house chores while my parents are away I decide to post-pone those. ‘Silence of the Lambs’ sounded a lot more entertaining than mopping or doing dishes. The five of us watch through two movies before Frank becomes antsy, unable to sit still for more than a few hours at a time. Gerard suggested video games.
Now I am sitting in the basement of the Way house, watching Mikey get his ass handed to him by Amber. Although Amber is usually terrible at video games she has mastered one of them…Call of Duty. She plays it at Frank’s almost non-stop and is able to beat just about anyone. I frown as I watch her interact with my friends. Her plan is going to rip everyone apart. She’s become a staple in the Way’s life and Frank is madly in love with her. I don’t think Amber understands the repercussions her actions are going to have.
“And I win again,” Amber says with a smile before holding the remote out to Frank. He takes it from her before plopping down on the ground. The redhead gets up and moves to sit on Gerard’s bed next to me. I’m given a weak smile but nothing more. Any more conversation between Amber and me is forced and awkward. I refuse to budge on my opinion on her plan and Amber is stubborn and refuses to see things from my point of view.
“How’ve you been Ray?”
“Fine. You?”
Amber shrugs, playing with a string on her pants. I notice a few more marks on her arm but decide not to say anything about them. I’m tired of arguing with the redhead. “I wish things didn’t have to be weird between us.”
“Yeah, well you’ve made them that way. You can’t just dump that kind of information on me and expect things to continue to be normal.”
“You could just forget I told you,” Amber offers as if that’s a plausible solution to the problem that I have to face everyday.
“That’s such bullshit Amber and you know it. I can’t just forget that you told me that you want to kill yourself. I don’t understand how you could do that to all of us. You’re the most selfish person I’ve ever met.”
“Then tell someone Ray, force me not to do it.”
“You’ve backed me into a corner there too. If I tell you’ll do it earlier than you’ve originally planned.”
“Then just drop it and stop trying to talk me out of it Ray.”
As I go to respond Gerard calls Amber’s name, pulling her attention away from our conversation. She gives me a quick ‘we aren’t done talking about this’ look before walking across the room to talk to the eldest Way.
How am I supposed to drop it? She’s going to kill herself in; I check my phone for the date, less than three weeks. I try to wrap my brain around how she can just keep on living her life knowing that this is what’s waiting for her. I guess she’s more fucked up than I originally thought.
I first met Amber is the seventh grade. Even then she was a little strange. She talked about death a lot more than any other thirteen year old I’d ever met. At the time I thought it was just a British thing. She was a friend and we lived close enough that my parents would let me walk to and from her house as long as I left before five. As we got older I realized that Amber suffered from depression. I’d spent hours on the Internet one night with Frank trying to find a cure. We’d both been pretty disappointed to discover that there wasn’t one. Amber always tried to shelter Frank from her disorder. Due to this I bore the responsibility of being her person to talk to. I figured out the interworking’s of Amber Bryar’s brain pretty quickly. She’d wanted to die back then too but wasn’t brave enough. Unfortunately as Amber aged she also got braver.
“What’re you deep in thought about?” Frank’s voice pulls me out of my head. I don’t know how to handle him anymore. He’s so madly in love with Amber that if I told him what her plans were I don’t think he’d believe me. He knows she’s messed up but not like I do.
“Just thinking about Amber. She seems to be getting along with everyone. I think that’s good for her.”
My tattooed friend nods his agreement a smile creeping over his face, “I’m glad that she’s meeting new people and not partying as much. She won’t admit it but I think she’s started dancing again.”
“Interesting,” I muse as the redhead lets out a laugh.
I glance over at her. She’s positioned on Gerard’s desk. She’s doodling on her hand while Gerard sketches. The two occasionally exchange glances, smiles spreading across their faces. When I’d first introduced the two I’d meant for them to get together. Gerard and Amber are both depressed and I thought maybe they’d help each other out. Instead Amber got Gerard back into drinking. In the end I think I’m glad that they just ended up as friends.
“Did she stay at your house last night?” I question Frank whose eyes are set on the television screen. Mikey had put in yet another movie. I don’t recognize this one.
“Yeah. First time in a while actually. I think it was the first time in a few months that she’d not been blackout by eleven.”
I nod. “Just be careful Frank. Amber can be toxic sometimes.”
He just shrugs before turning his attention back to the movie. Amber and Frank have been friends for longer than her and I. Frank thinks he knows her better than anyone.
About an hour later Amber gets off Gerard’s desk, “You ready to go?”
“Oh shit, we have to go to Newark today. I almost forgot.”
Amber laughs a little as she pulls a jacket out of the closet for Gerard.
“We’ll be back later,” my friend says before the two disappear down the hallway.
Notes
Song: Dance Hall Drug by Boys Like Girls
@KidFromYesterday
Yay!!! Thank you, this story has been really great, as well as your others!!
10/2/16