I'm Not Okay (I Promise)
Redheaded Savior
I excuse myself
I'm used to my little cell
I amuse myself
In my very own private hell
I wake up with a start; blinking my eyes rapidly trying to remember where I am…it’s all just a blur. My glasses are missing. I have that brief moment of panic, feeling around for them, before finally closing my hand around a lump in Gerard’s blanket...my glasses. My head hurts.
Once my eyes are on I look around the room. Gerard is missing and Frank is still asleep, breathing evenly. I shake him, and he groans.
"Mom...five more minutes…." he mumbles, burying his head farther into the blanket.
Sighing I roll my eyes, looking at Gerard’s clock…I’ll give Frank another five minutes.
"Time's up," I say after only a few seconds, Frank needs to get up. We can’t all be late for school. Our new friend groans, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.
He blinks, looking confused, "How did I get in Gerard's bed?"
Frank’s eyes are closed once again. I don't respond because I know it’s pointless, he’ll figure it out eventually.
Just then Gerard walks back in the room, balancing a bag of coffee, a filter, and the coffee pot from the kitchen in his hands. Upon reaching his desk he drops everything and starts to make coffee. I swear he drinks more of the stuff than any normal person should.
"Stole it?" I question, yawning and stretching my stick thin arms.
"Yes,” Gerard answers not turning around. “Since you haven't gotten me a new one yet, mom will have to deal until then."
He then goes back to the coffee pot, which is now beginning to fill up with the black liquid. Gerard smiles, moving the pot away and putting his mug under the stream. He’s like a kid in a candy shop. I look over at Frank; he is asleep again. I thinking about asking Gerard for a cup of coffee but decide against it. My head still hurts from last night; I drank a little too much, and I know coffee won't make it any better. Nothing ever does.
"Bro, we're leaving in ten minutes," Gerard says, looking at his coffee, probably contemplating if he should dump it on Frank's head, making a duck face with his mouth. He decides not to, instead grabbing Frank by the leg and dragging him off the bed.
Frank yells in surprise, “Shit!”
"Frank, get up! We’re leaving in ten!" Gee says as Frank continues to just lay there, his face in Gerard's black carpet.
He’s not much of a morning person.
Finally he moves, “You didn’t have to do that.”
I manage a smile; this morning, so far, has been a pretty good one. Gerard, by some miracle, isn't drunk, and I have the two people I love the most in the same room as me. I made a mistake in smiling though because Gerard comes inches in front of my face, one eye open.
He is inspecting me.
I sit there, poker faced, waiting for him to talk.
"Was that…a smile? Mikey!" he jokes.
Frank comes in view behind Gerard's right shoulder, smiling widely.
I stick my tongue in my brother's face and he backs off, smiling.
"Fuck off..." I mumble, smile fading. Jesus, the few times I smile, he has to make a big deal out of it. It upset me.
"Get dressed, bro, we're leaving soon," Gerard instructs, and I nod, leaving the room and going back in my own.
I put on the stupid uniform again, leaving my beanie on, and walk back into Gerard's room.
Gee and Frank are talking when I enter.
"...And I hope my dad's not pissed at me." Frank says, nervous. "I didn't tell him I wouldn't be home."
Gerard shakes his head, "It's not like you were doing something bad.”
"Okay, I'm ready," I announce my presence, still in the doorway.
The others pick up their book bags and I grab mine from the floor. All three of us head upstairs.
At the front door, Gerard stops me, grabbing my arm and turning me around. I jump.
"What?" I ask, shocked.
"Inhaler?" he questions me, looking concerned.
"Hold on!" I say, running up to my room, shoving CDs off my desk, looking for it. Eventually I find the thing in my sock drawer. Just as I am about to head back downstairs I remember my MP3 player. Once I’ve pocketed both I hurry back down the stairs.
At the door our mom hands both Gerard and me lunches, looking at Frank.
Gerard looks in the paper bag, and scrunch us his face, disgusted. I don't even eat, so I don't bother to look in mine. I’ll find someone to give it to later.
"Oh, sweetie, I didn't know you were still here, I would have made one for you too..." mom says with a sympathetic look.
Frank shrugs, being polite, "Oh, no worries, Mrs. Way. I buy lunch."
Gerard looks impatient, running his hand through his hair, sighing. Personally I would like to get out of the house. Mom is hovering and that makes me nervous. It’s like she knows something but refuses to bring it up.
"Let me get something for you real quick, hun," mom says, bustling about the kitchen.
Frank calls after her, "There's no need, Mrs. Way.”
"Oh, okay then honey!" my mom returns from the kitchen. "Have a good day at school, boys!"
Gerard widens his eyes, and Frank laughs at his face. The three of us walk outside, and I reach into my jacket pocket, grabbing out my MP3 player. I might as well have it out just in case I need it.
"Alright, for once we actually aren't going to be late," Gerard says, going to start the car. The engine just makes a weird noise and then goes dead.
Gerard groans, trying it again. The motor just turns over and over and over again, but the car still refuses to start. Gerard is beyond livid. He is scary when he’s mad.
"God damn it! Motherfucking piece of shit! Fuck you bitch!” He yells, banging his fists on the steering wheel causing it to produce a weak honk.
I glance at Frank who looks scared but is laughing at the same time. I think he’s just hiding his real feelings. Shrugging I turn my attention back to Gerard.
He tries starting the car again the engine flips over.
"Fuck," Gerard says, frowning, "Bitch. Looks like we’re going to be late."
Just then a horn sounds behind us, our redheaded savior sticking her head out of her window, “Need a lift?”
Frank quickly gets out of the car pulling the passenger side door of Amber’s car open.
Gerard groans a little before pulling the key out of the ignition, “What do you say little brother. Walk or get a ride?”
“That’s not a question Gee,” I answer before getting out of the car and walking down the driveway. The inside of Amber’s car still looks brand new. The backseats are soft tan leather and the whole inside of the car smells like girl with just a faint hint of cigarettes. She’s playing my song, her and Frank singing along as Gerard finally gets into the car.
“Everyone settled?” Amber questions, eyeing us in the rearview mirror.
“Let’s go,” Gerard responds.
As we draw closer and closer to my own private hell called high school I wish Amber hadn’t driven by our house. At least then I could have been able to avoid this feeling of impending doom a little longer.
I'm used to my little cell
I amuse myself
In my very own private hell
I wake up with a start; blinking my eyes rapidly trying to remember where I am…it’s all just a blur. My glasses are missing. I have that brief moment of panic, feeling around for them, before finally closing my hand around a lump in Gerard’s blanket...my glasses. My head hurts.
Once my eyes are on I look around the room. Gerard is missing and Frank is still asleep, breathing evenly. I shake him, and he groans.
"Mom...five more minutes…." he mumbles, burying his head farther into the blanket.
Sighing I roll my eyes, looking at Gerard’s clock…I’ll give Frank another five minutes.
"Time's up," I say after only a few seconds, Frank needs to get up. We can’t all be late for school. Our new friend groans, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.
He blinks, looking confused, "How did I get in Gerard's bed?"
Frank’s eyes are closed once again. I don't respond because I know it’s pointless, he’ll figure it out eventually.
Just then Gerard walks back in the room, balancing a bag of coffee, a filter, and the coffee pot from the kitchen in his hands. Upon reaching his desk he drops everything and starts to make coffee. I swear he drinks more of the stuff than any normal person should.
"Stole it?" I question, yawning and stretching my stick thin arms.
"Yes,” Gerard answers not turning around. “Since you haven't gotten me a new one yet, mom will have to deal until then."
He then goes back to the coffee pot, which is now beginning to fill up with the black liquid. Gerard smiles, moving the pot away and putting his mug under the stream. He’s like a kid in a candy shop. I look over at Frank; he is asleep again. I thinking about asking Gerard for a cup of coffee but decide against it. My head still hurts from last night; I drank a little too much, and I know coffee won't make it any better. Nothing ever does.
"Bro, we're leaving in ten minutes," Gerard says, looking at his coffee, probably contemplating if he should dump it on Frank's head, making a duck face with his mouth. He decides not to, instead grabbing Frank by the leg and dragging him off the bed.
Frank yells in surprise, “Shit!”
"Frank, get up! We’re leaving in ten!" Gee says as Frank continues to just lay there, his face in Gerard's black carpet.
He’s not much of a morning person.
Finally he moves, “You didn’t have to do that.”
I manage a smile; this morning, so far, has been a pretty good one. Gerard, by some miracle, isn't drunk, and I have the two people I love the most in the same room as me. I made a mistake in smiling though because Gerard comes inches in front of my face, one eye open.
He is inspecting me.
I sit there, poker faced, waiting for him to talk.
"Was that…a smile? Mikey!" he jokes.
Frank comes in view behind Gerard's right shoulder, smiling widely.
I stick my tongue in my brother's face and he backs off, smiling.
"Fuck off..." I mumble, smile fading. Jesus, the few times I smile, he has to make a big deal out of it. It upset me.
"Get dressed, bro, we're leaving soon," Gerard instructs, and I nod, leaving the room and going back in my own.
I put on the stupid uniform again, leaving my beanie on, and walk back into Gerard's room.
Gee and Frank are talking when I enter.
"...And I hope my dad's not pissed at me." Frank says, nervous. "I didn't tell him I wouldn't be home."
Gerard shakes his head, "It's not like you were doing something bad.”
"Okay, I'm ready," I announce my presence, still in the doorway.
The others pick up their book bags and I grab mine from the floor. All three of us head upstairs.
At the front door, Gerard stops me, grabbing my arm and turning me around. I jump.
"What?" I ask, shocked.
"Inhaler?" he questions me, looking concerned.
"Hold on!" I say, running up to my room, shoving CDs off my desk, looking for it. Eventually I find the thing in my sock drawer. Just as I am about to head back downstairs I remember my MP3 player. Once I’ve pocketed both I hurry back down the stairs.
At the door our mom hands both Gerard and me lunches, looking at Frank.
Gerard looks in the paper bag, and scrunch us his face, disgusted. I don't even eat, so I don't bother to look in mine. I’ll find someone to give it to later.
"Oh, sweetie, I didn't know you were still here, I would have made one for you too..." mom says with a sympathetic look.
Frank shrugs, being polite, "Oh, no worries, Mrs. Way. I buy lunch."
Gerard looks impatient, running his hand through his hair, sighing. Personally I would like to get out of the house. Mom is hovering and that makes me nervous. It’s like she knows something but refuses to bring it up.
"Let me get something for you real quick, hun," mom says, bustling about the kitchen.
Frank calls after her, "There's no need, Mrs. Way.”
"Oh, okay then honey!" my mom returns from the kitchen. "Have a good day at school, boys!"
Gerard widens his eyes, and Frank laughs at his face. The three of us walk outside, and I reach into my jacket pocket, grabbing out my MP3 player. I might as well have it out just in case I need it.
"Alright, for once we actually aren't going to be late," Gerard says, going to start the car. The engine just makes a weird noise and then goes dead.
Gerard groans, trying it again. The motor just turns over and over and over again, but the car still refuses to start. Gerard is beyond livid. He is scary when he’s mad.
"God damn it! Motherfucking piece of shit! Fuck you bitch!” He yells, banging his fists on the steering wheel causing it to produce a weak honk.
I glance at Frank who looks scared but is laughing at the same time. I think he’s just hiding his real feelings. Shrugging I turn my attention back to Gerard.
He tries starting the car again the engine flips over.
"Fuck," Gerard says, frowning, "Bitch. Looks like we’re going to be late."
Just then a horn sounds behind us, our redheaded savior sticking her head out of her window, “Need a lift?”
Frank quickly gets out of the car pulling the passenger side door of Amber’s car open.
Gerard groans a little before pulling the key out of the ignition, “What do you say little brother. Walk or get a ride?”
“That’s not a question Gee,” I answer before getting out of the car and walking down the driveway. The inside of Amber’s car still looks brand new. The backseats are soft tan leather and the whole inside of the car smells like girl with just a faint hint of cigarettes. She’s playing my song, her and Frank singing along as Gerard finally gets into the car.
“Everyone settled?” Amber questions, eyeing us in the rearview mirror.
“Let’s go,” Gerard responds.
As we draw closer and closer to my own private hell called high school I wish Amber hadn’t driven by our house. At least then I could have been able to avoid this feeling of impending doom a little longer.
Notes
Song: Private Hell by Alice in Chains
@KidFromYesterday
Yay!!! Thank you, this story has been really great, as well as your others!!
10/2/16