I'm Not Okay (I Promise)
Texas Chainsaw Massacre
When you’re down and out,
When you’re on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
I sit there, allowing an overly drunk Gerard to keep his arms wrapped around me until he passes out on the bed. I hate this side of him. I look at my older brother lying there, mouth partly open, hair in his face; he looks like shit. I know Gee doesn’t want me to end up like him but I’m beginning to think maybe that’s the only way. Maybe blacking out and forgetting everything is the only way to make the pain go away.
No! I yell at myself for thinking this way. I can’t end up like Gerard. I mean yeah, he’s my brother and I love him but I can’t be hunched over the toilet every night because I’m trying to forget things. Besides, with alcohol you can’t chose what you forget and I don’t want to forget Amber’s face. Something in those eyes told me that she’s different; I just have to figure out exactly what it is.
"Mikey," Frank, pulls me out of my thoughts.
Looking over at him, I shove my glasses back up my nose. Even with my glasses on Frank looks just a tad blurry. I might be just a little drunk.
"Do you want to watch a movie?" Frank asks, shifting nervously.
I shrug, not really caring. I suppose it’s better than sitting here watching Gerard sober up. I hold back a laugh as Frank squirms off the bed trying not to wake my brother. Eventually, our new friend is off the bed and Gerard is still snoring lightly. I have a feeling we could start a band in this room and my brother still wouldn’t wake up. He’s not just asleep, he’s passed out.
"Where are your movies?" Frank questions.
Motioning for him to follow me we leave Gerard behind and head up the stairs. I step over the multiple CDs that are strewn over the floor of my room. Pulling open the movie cabinet I step aside, letting Frank go crazy over my large collection. Most of them are Gerard’s that I’ve slowly removed from his room to keep them safe. Movies are a common escape for me. When I watch movies I feel like I’m not really living in the real world. It’s nice and much better than getting drunk.
"Oh Texas Chainsaw Massacre," Franks exclaims, happily.
He tires to reach the DVD case but I can tell the shelf is too high for him. Rolling my eyes, I grab the movie, handing it over to Frank who smiles widely at me. This kid really can’t annoy me. He’s nice and I kind of like the company.
As we make our way back to Gerard’s room, my mom stops us, giving me a quizzical look. I’m not in the mood to play twenty questions with her. I really just want to watch the movie.
"Who's this, Mikey?" mom asks, hands on her hips, just staring at me.
Instead of helping out, Frank just stands there, smiling like a crazy person. If my mom hadn’t suspected something was up she sure does now.
Rolling my eyes again I talk for Frank who has temporarily lost his ability to form words, "This is Frank, he's a friend of mine and Gerard's, from school."
I really don’t want to have to say much more to her. I’m drunk and there really isn’t a way of hiding it; my words are slurring, my eyes hardly open.
"Hiya," Frank says quickly, smiling weakly.
My mom returns his smile, “Hello -” she turns to me – “it’s nice to see my boys are making friends.”
Instead of staying with me Frank nods before disappearing downstairs. Shit. I don’t want to be up here with my mom right now. I’m not in the mood, not in the right state of mind. Why can’t a hole in the floor open up and suck me down into the earth?
“Sweetheart, a girl brought this by, said she thought it was yours,” my mom holds out a picture of a girl with fire for hair, designs drawn in her face and on different strands of hair. It’s not like any drawings Gerard does and my mother should know I can’t draw.
“No, but it’s for me, thanks mom,” I hurry downstairs, folding the picture, showing it in my back pocket not really wanting to have to show it to Frank or Gerard if he’s up. I’ll look over it later.
Just as I come around the corner Gerard slips into the bathroom, throwing up in the toilet. This isn’t any better than at night but at least he’s in the basement and mom won’t be able to hear. It’s times like these when I wish I could just take my brother and shake him; shake him until he got some sense. I almost do but figure it probably wouldn’t do any good. Gerard would more than likely end up puking on me.
Sighing I enter my brother’s room, pulling the bottle of vodka my mom had sitting on the kitchen counter from the back of my pants. I snatched it while she was looking at the picture. I take a drink and offer it over to Frank but he refuses as I hear Gee throw up again. Frank made the right decision; his eyes are pretty glazed over. Too much more alcohol and he’d be in the bathroom with Gerard.
Taking another sip of vodka I cringe as I hear Gee barf yet again; I really wish he'd stop.
Frowning, I press play on the remote that has magically appeared on the bed. As we watch the movie, it is silent except for Gerard's hurling every once in a while. I sit with no emotion on my face trying to hide just how much Gee’s activities upset me.
"Mikey."
"Hmm?"
"If there's anything you want me to do - ” Frank says, " - anything. About Gerard, bullies, anything I can possibly do, let me know. Okay?"
"Okay." I answer, not moving. "Frank?"
"Yeah, my little man?"
“Thanks," I whisper smiling at him. I’m glad Frank is our friend.
As he smiles back as Gerard stumbles into the room. I quickly let my smile fade.
“Dude, you look terrible," Frank says.
Gerard just groans and flops himself down between Frank and me, face - first.
"I really need to stop..." Gerard mumbles just saying words again.
I dig my teeth into my bottom lip trying to keep myself from reaching over and striking Gerard for lying. I hate him when he’s like this. He says shit he knows I want to hear so I’ll just let him be. I’m tired of listening to him.
Calm down, I remind myself as I feel blood flow into my mouth from my lip…shit. Instead of getting up to wash it I just turn my attention back to the movie as Gerard falls back asleep, still in his uniform.
When you’re on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
I sit there, allowing an overly drunk Gerard to keep his arms wrapped around me until he passes out on the bed. I hate this side of him. I look at my older brother lying there, mouth partly open, hair in his face; he looks like shit. I know Gee doesn’t want me to end up like him but I’m beginning to think maybe that’s the only way. Maybe blacking out and forgetting everything is the only way to make the pain go away.
No! I yell at myself for thinking this way. I can’t end up like Gerard. I mean yeah, he’s my brother and I love him but I can’t be hunched over the toilet every night because I’m trying to forget things. Besides, with alcohol you can’t chose what you forget and I don’t want to forget Amber’s face. Something in those eyes told me that she’s different; I just have to figure out exactly what it is.
"Mikey," Frank, pulls me out of my thoughts.
Looking over at him, I shove my glasses back up my nose. Even with my glasses on Frank looks just a tad blurry. I might be just a little drunk.
"Do you want to watch a movie?" Frank asks, shifting nervously.
I shrug, not really caring. I suppose it’s better than sitting here watching Gerard sober up. I hold back a laugh as Frank squirms off the bed trying not to wake my brother. Eventually, our new friend is off the bed and Gerard is still snoring lightly. I have a feeling we could start a band in this room and my brother still wouldn’t wake up. He’s not just asleep, he’s passed out.
"Where are your movies?" Frank questions.
Motioning for him to follow me we leave Gerard behind and head up the stairs. I step over the multiple CDs that are strewn over the floor of my room. Pulling open the movie cabinet I step aside, letting Frank go crazy over my large collection. Most of them are Gerard’s that I’ve slowly removed from his room to keep them safe. Movies are a common escape for me. When I watch movies I feel like I’m not really living in the real world. It’s nice and much better than getting drunk.
"Oh Texas Chainsaw Massacre," Franks exclaims, happily.
He tires to reach the DVD case but I can tell the shelf is too high for him. Rolling my eyes, I grab the movie, handing it over to Frank who smiles widely at me. This kid really can’t annoy me. He’s nice and I kind of like the company.
As we make our way back to Gerard’s room, my mom stops us, giving me a quizzical look. I’m not in the mood to play twenty questions with her. I really just want to watch the movie.
"Who's this, Mikey?" mom asks, hands on her hips, just staring at me.
Instead of helping out, Frank just stands there, smiling like a crazy person. If my mom hadn’t suspected something was up she sure does now.
Rolling my eyes again I talk for Frank who has temporarily lost his ability to form words, "This is Frank, he's a friend of mine and Gerard's, from school."
I really don’t want to have to say much more to her. I’m drunk and there really isn’t a way of hiding it; my words are slurring, my eyes hardly open.
"Hiya," Frank says quickly, smiling weakly.
My mom returns his smile, “Hello -” she turns to me – “it’s nice to see my boys are making friends.”
Instead of staying with me Frank nods before disappearing downstairs. Shit. I don’t want to be up here with my mom right now. I’m not in the mood, not in the right state of mind. Why can’t a hole in the floor open up and suck me down into the earth?
“Sweetheart, a girl brought this by, said she thought it was yours,” my mom holds out a picture of a girl with fire for hair, designs drawn in her face and on different strands of hair. It’s not like any drawings Gerard does and my mother should know I can’t draw.
“No, but it’s for me, thanks mom,” I hurry downstairs, folding the picture, showing it in my back pocket not really wanting to have to show it to Frank or Gerard if he’s up. I’ll look over it later.
Just as I come around the corner Gerard slips into the bathroom, throwing up in the toilet. This isn’t any better than at night but at least he’s in the basement and mom won’t be able to hear. It’s times like these when I wish I could just take my brother and shake him; shake him until he got some sense. I almost do but figure it probably wouldn’t do any good. Gerard would more than likely end up puking on me.
Sighing I enter my brother’s room, pulling the bottle of vodka my mom had sitting on the kitchen counter from the back of my pants. I snatched it while she was looking at the picture. I take a drink and offer it over to Frank but he refuses as I hear Gee throw up again. Frank made the right decision; his eyes are pretty glazed over. Too much more alcohol and he’d be in the bathroom with Gerard.
Taking another sip of vodka I cringe as I hear Gee barf yet again; I really wish he'd stop.
Frowning, I press play on the remote that has magically appeared on the bed. As we watch the movie, it is silent except for Gerard's hurling every once in a while. I sit with no emotion on my face trying to hide just how much Gee’s activities upset me.
"Mikey."
"Hmm?"
"If there's anything you want me to do - ” Frank says, " - anything. About Gerard, bullies, anything I can possibly do, let me know. Okay?"
"Okay." I answer, not moving. "Frank?"
"Yeah, my little man?"
“Thanks," I whisper smiling at him. I’m glad Frank is our friend.
As he smiles back as Gerard stumbles into the room. I quickly let my smile fade.
“Dude, you look terrible," Frank says.
Gerard just groans and flops himself down between Frank and me, face - first.
"I really need to stop..." Gerard mumbles just saying words again.
I dig my teeth into my bottom lip trying to keep myself from reaching over and striking Gerard for lying. I hate him when he’s like this. He says shit he knows I want to hear so I’ll just let him be. I’m tired of listening to him.
Calm down, I remind myself as I feel blood flow into my mouth from my lip…shit. Instead of getting up to wash it I just turn my attention back to the movie as Gerard falls back asleep, still in his uniform.
@KidFromYesterday
Yay!!! Thank you, this story has been really great, as well as your others!!
10/2/16