I'm Not Okay (I Promise)
Hail to the Kings and Queens of Basement Royalty
How can I explain
Kind of like the scent of a rose
With words I can't explain
The same with my pain
Glaring over at Ray I flip him off. He just shrugs before flopping down onto his bed, tossing a ball at the ceiling. He was really looking forward to Gerard coming over. I guess I’m not much of a comparison. Apparently, my video game skills aren’t as good as Gerard’s. I don’t think I’m that bad.
“I helped him,” I explain.
Ray sits up; his eyebrows knitted together, “Aren’t you such a saint.”
“What’s up your ass Toro,” I demand.
“Nothing, don’t you have somewhere to be?”
I shake my head, pulling out a few guitar books and flipping through them. Half of the songs I already know how to play. Ray needs some new books. Maybe that’s what I’ll get him. “I went to Newark again today.”
Ray Toro sits up, pushing a few strands of his curly afro out of his face, “Does Bob know?”
“I didn’t tell him. He doesn’t like me going down there. I figured it’s better to keep it a secret instead of arguing. Besides, I just go there do my stuff then come home. It’s not like I’m hanging around.”
“Bob’s just worried. Newark is a rough town, especially if you’re a girl.”
I roll my eyes, hating how both Ray and my brother think that just because I’m a girl I’m weak and unable to take care of myself, “I’m tougher than I look.”
That gets me a laugh from Ray, “If you say so shrimp.”
“I’m not a shrimp.”
“5 foot 2 makes you a shrimp, you can’t argue with that Amber. It’s impossible.”
“You’re impossible,” I retort.
For a while Ray and I just sit there each lost in a world of our own thoughts. I light up a cigarette, pulling the smoke into my lungs and blow it out through my nose. In return Ray opens the window. He hates that I smoke but he’ll never say anything. It’s just easier for both of us.
Eventually I stand, put my cig out on the window ledge, and then flop across the bed. I wish Mikey had answered the door when I dropped my picture off. I just wanted to see him, make sure he wasn’t still completely torn up.
“How are you?” Ray questions, tracing over a few pink lines on my arm with his thick finger.
“Same as always, at least it won’t last much longer.”
Ray is the only one I’ve told about my plan, we argue back and forth about it constantly, “You’re not being fair Amber.”
I just shrug, “No one said life was fair man.”
“Don’t pull that bullshit with me.”
“Look, I get that you don’t understand but try not to care so much. It’s a lot easier for both of us if you don’t.”
“Have you told Frank about your plan? What about Bob?”
“No.”
“What the hell Amber?! That boy cares about you more than you care about yourself! He deserves to know and not be blindsided by the whole fucking thing! You’re gonna tear him apart!” Ray is practically yelling at me now.
I stare at him with unblinking eyes,“Frank’s strong. He’ll get over it.”
With that I get up off the bed. I don’t want to have to think about how this will affect Frank. I don’t want to back out of my plan just because someone made me feel guilty.
“It’s late and I’m sure Bob is worried about me. I’m actually surprised he hasn’t called yet.” I mumble before heading out of the Toro house.
Ray doesn’t even say goodbye. I really don’t care.
I drive way too fast down a badly lit road. For some reason I slow down on the street that Frank lives on. No lights are on in his house meaning that he’s not home. Where the fuck could he be? He promised me he’d be home; part of our plan to try and get me sober. If I’m hanging out with Frank I can’t be out getting trashed with my other friends. Not that Frank and I necessarily stay sober but he thinks it's better to get high than black out drunk. I guess I agree with him.
Then it hits me. He went with Gerard and Mikey after school. I bet he’s still there. I’ve been over to the Way’s house a few times before to pick up Gerard on our way to a party. A few more minutes of driving at a painfully slow pace gets me to where I want to be. I park my car out front and walk towards the front door. I knock twice before the door is pulled open. Mrs. Way stands in the doorway. It looks like I might’ve woken her up.
“Is Gerard here?”
She points towards a staircase leading downstairs before stepping out of my way.
Kind of like the scent of a rose
With words I can't explain
The same with my pain
Glaring over at Ray I flip him off. He just shrugs before flopping down onto his bed, tossing a ball at the ceiling. He was really looking forward to Gerard coming over. I guess I’m not much of a comparison. Apparently, my video game skills aren’t as good as Gerard’s. I don’t think I’m that bad.
“I helped him,” I explain.
Ray sits up; his eyebrows knitted together, “Aren’t you such a saint.”
“What’s up your ass Toro,” I demand.
“Nothing, don’t you have somewhere to be?”
I shake my head, pulling out a few guitar books and flipping through them. Half of the songs I already know how to play. Ray needs some new books. Maybe that’s what I’ll get him. “I went to Newark again today.”
Ray Toro sits up, pushing a few strands of his curly afro out of his face, “Does Bob know?”
“I didn’t tell him. He doesn’t like me going down there. I figured it’s better to keep it a secret instead of arguing. Besides, I just go there do my stuff then come home. It’s not like I’m hanging around.”
“Bob’s just worried. Newark is a rough town, especially if you’re a girl.”
I roll my eyes, hating how both Ray and my brother think that just because I’m a girl I’m weak and unable to take care of myself, “I’m tougher than I look.”
That gets me a laugh from Ray, “If you say so shrimp.”
“I’m not a shrimp.”
“5 foot 2 makes you a shrimp, you can’t argue with that Amber. It’s impossible.”
“You’re impossible,” I retort.
For a while Ray and I just sit there each lost in a world of our own thoughts. I light up a cigarette, pulling the smoke into my lungs and blow it out through my nose. In return Ray opens the window. He hates that I smoke but he’ll never say anything. It’s just easier for both of us.
Eventually I stand, put my cig out on the window ledge, and then flop across the bed. I wish Mikey had answered the door when I dropped my picture off. I just wanted to see him, make sure he wasn’t still completely torn up.
“How are you?” Ray questions, tracing over a few pink lines on my arm with his thick finger.
“Same as always, at least it won’t last much longer.”
Ray is the only one I’ve told about my plan, we argue back and forth about it constantly, “You’re not being fair Amber.”
I just shrug, “No one said life was fair man.”
“Don’t pull that bullshit with me.”
“Look, I get that you don’t understand but try not to care so much. It’s a lot easier for both of us if you don’t.”
“Have you told Frank about your plan? What about Bob?”
“No.”
“What the hell Amber?! That boy cares about you more than you care about yourself! He deserves to know and not be blindsided by the whole fucking thing! You’re gonna tear him apart!” Ray is practically yelling at me now.
I stare at him with unblinking eyes,“Frank’s strong. He’ll get over it.”
With that I get up off the bed. I don’t want to have to think about how this will affect Frank. I don’t want to back out of my plan just because someone made me feel guilty.
“It’s late and I’m sure Bob is worried about me. I’m actually surprised he hasn’t called yet.” I mumble before heading out of the Toro house.
Ray doesn’t even say goodbye. I really don’t care.
I drive way too fast down a badly lit road. For some reason I slow down on the street that Frank lives on. No lights are on in his house meaning that he’s not home. Where the fuck could he be? He promised me he’d be home; part of our plan to try and get me sober. If I’m hanging out with Frank I can’t be out getting trashed with my other friends. Not that Frank and I necessarily stay sober but he thinks it's better to get high than black out drunk. I guess I agree with him.
Then it hits me. He went with Gerard and Mikey after school. I bet he’s still there. I’ve been over to the Way’s house a few times before to pick up Gerard on our way to a party. A few more minutes of driving at a painfully slow pace gets me to where I want to be. I park my car out front and walk towards the front door. I knock twice before the door is pulled open. Mrs. Way stands in the doorway. It looks like I might’ve woken her up.
“Is Gerard here?”
She points towards a staircase leading downstairs before stepping out of my way.
Notes
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@KidFromYesterday
Yay!!! Thank you, this story has been really great, as well as your others!!
10/2/16