The Light Behind His Eyes (Frerard)

The next two or so months consisted mainly of two things for me: working long days and nights at the Tragician and continuing to help Gerard clean out his basement. When we both finally finished, the whole place literally looked barely recognizable, nothing like it was when we first met that fateful night weeks ago. There’s no more trash covering every inch of the floor, or that rank smell of mildew that makes my stomach churn. Everything here is now so clean and organized, it almost looks as good as new. One thing that hasn't changed down here though are the walls, still adorned in Gerard’s artwork that brings the whole place to life. The only walls that are different now are the ones in Gerard's bedroom, his dark and grotesque works now replaced with framed pictures of more comic book sketches and paintings, as well as some band posters here and there, varying from bands like Iron Maiden and The Misfits to Morrissey and The Smiths. I'm not sure if Gerard either got rid of his graphic and morbid sketches or just packed them away somewhere. It doesn't matter though, just as long as I don't see them ever again. I thought of bringing it up to Gerard, asking him what he did with them, but decided not to. It’s best for me to just not think about it, leaving the memories of the pictures in a deep and dark place in my head, daring to not let it cross my mind.
Gerard and I, both huffing from exhaustion and sporting ragged work sweats, stood in the middle of the now spotless living room, our eyes barely able to fully take in what took so damn long to finally accomplish.
”We did it, Frankie!” Gerard exclaimed happily, taking me in his arms and lifting me up, swinging me around as he held on to me. “We finally cleaned this place up! Finally!”
”I know, Gee. We're finally done!” I laughed, despite the crushing feeling of Gerard's binding bear hug. He held me up with his arms tucked under my legs, my arms wrapped around his shoulders, the both of us holding each other close.
“And you know what, Frankie?” Gerard gazed at me, that familiar lively and heart-warming smile on his face. “It's all thanks to you. It's all thanks to you that I'm not all alone, living in a dark mess. It's all thanks to you I'm not afraid of leaving here anymore. It's all thanks to you that I’ve changed. Thank you, Frankie...for being a part of my life,”
”You're welcome, Gee,” I whispered, our faces close to each other. I shut my eyes as we kissed, the familiar taste of nicotine on Gerard's warm lips. The butterflies in my stomach began to flutter, chills running down my spine. I planted my hands on Gerard’s warm and blushing cheeks, our lips kissing again and again slowly until we soon stopped, our eyes gazing at one another in complete awe. Seeing Gerard now just completely blows me away, knowing how much he's changed over the past several days. No longer is his pale face covered in bruises, telling a sad tale of fear and self-hatred. His whole body is no longer frail and malnourished, either. He's actually managed to put on a few pounds, thanks to me constantly begging and convincing him to eat more than just a few bites of food. Getting Gerard to eat more was like pulling teeth though, knowing how stubborn he can be. His body is also now in lieu of the scars and bruises, thankfully (at least, for the most part. There are still some marks on him that’ll take more time to fully heal). However, the healing of his physical wounds was the easy part. It's the scars of his past, as well as his psychosis, that's gonna be hard to heal. After all, like Mikey's said, fixing Gerard was never gonna be easy.
”Seriously, Frankie…,” Gerard set me down, his eyes still on me. “I don't know what the hell I did to deserve someone like you. I never thought I'd be here with you. I don't know what makes you so attracted to me, either. Everyone is high school was repulsed by me and avoided me like the plague if they didn't pick on me,”
”Oh, come on now, Gee,” I sneered playfully. “You know all those people are dipshits for picking on you. They also have bad taste too, you know. You're fucking gorgeous,”
”Oh, Frankie, you small fool,” Gerard shook his head, a dry chuckle escaping his lips. “Please don't kiss my ass. You've never even seen me in high school. I was an ugly duckling,”
”Oh no, Gee. You must’ve looked so cute!” I squealed, despite the not-so-joyful time I actually did stumble upon a photo of a teenage Gerard, seeing his mugshot when I was researching on his foggy past that one day. It’s best for now I pretend I didn't see what Gerard looked like back then, because something tells me he’ll ask how I know, and the last thing I wanna do is possibly trigger Gerard again. I still gotta police how I talk to him, despite him telling me not to. The last episode Gerard had was when he was freaking out about the thunderstorm that one night, more than two months ago. He's starting to get better now...and I really don't wanna fuck that all up.
”You're the one that's so cute, Frankie. I'm the one that should be considering myself lucky, you know,”
”No, Gee. I'm the lucky guy!” I whined playfully, taking Gerard's blushing cheeks and lightly squeezing them with my fingers. “You're a pretty little thing, you know? I ain't all that,”
”Are you insulting my taste now?” Gerard grinned smugly.
”Well, mine is sure as hell a lot better than yours. Just sayin’,”
”Frankie!” Gerard sneered, pointing his finger right at my chest, standing over me like a parent scolding their misbehaving child. “Listen here, you little fricker-”
A sudden knock came from upstairs at the door. We glanced at each other, then up at the door, then back to one another, clearly deliberating who's gonna get it.
“Frank? Gerard?” Mikey called out from behind the door. “You guys down there?”
“I got it,” Gerard ran up the stairs, me following right behind him as he opened up the door for Mikey, whose car keys are in his hand, indicating his return home from work for the day.
“Hey, Mikey,” Gerard greeted his little brother with a welcoming grin. “What's up?”
“Oh, just got off work. Comic shop’s closed a little early today,” Mikey replied. “I got a question,”
”What's that?” Gerard asked.
”Umm...about your guy's cleaning…,” Mikey leered over Gerard's shoulder, peeking down the stairs to the basement. “You guys have been going at it for a while, now. I was wondering since I got off work early that if you guys could use an extra hand, y'know?”
”That's alright, Mikes,” I smiled, knowing his help isn't gonna be needed now. “We actually already finished,”
”Really?” Mikey's eyes lit up. “You guys got that whole place cleaned up? Just the two of you?”
”Yeah, we did, actually,” Gerard said, glancing over at me with a charming smile, making me hot and flustered. “Just me and Frankie,”
“Oh, that's great, guys. I'm sorry I couldn't help out at all, had to work a lot of overtime, know what I'm saying?”
“It's alright, Mikey,” Gerard patted Mikey playfully on the shoulder. “No need to wear yourself out, you working two jobs and all,”
”Oh, okay then…,” Mikey’s voice trailed off, as if he so badly wants to say something, yet something's holding him back.
”What's wrong, Mikes?” I asked.
”Well, I'm not sure if I should ask this, but…can I see?” Mikey turned his head to Gerard, seeking his approval. “If you don't mind, that is?”
Gerard silently looked down at the ground where his black-socked feet stands on, deliberating the big question his little brother just asked him. It is indeed a big question for Gerard; he hasn't let anyone down in his living space for years, except for me, of course. He's cut everyone else out, hiding away in the dark from the outside world they live in. But he's not hiding anymore. He's come from the rock he’s been hiding under for so long, seeing that the world outside of his haven isn't such a bad place after all.
”Well, Frankie…,” Gerard turned his head over to me. “What do you think? Should we let him in?”
”Yeah, of course,” I nodded. “But that all depends if that's okay with you, Gee. It's your basement,”
”Says who, Frankie?” Gerard smiled, taking his hand and ruffling it through my hair, patting my head like a little puppy. I laughed, stunned that I almost forgot how much I love it when he does that to me. He turned his head back to Mikey, the same bright smile on his face “You can come down here, Mikey...to our basement,”
”Alright!” Mikey exclaimed. “Thanks, bro,”
Together, me, Gerard, and Mikey all made our way down the stairs to Gerard's new and clean home...or, no; our new and clean home. It boggles my mind how much time I've spent down there with Gerard when I wasn't at work or upstairs with the others. Instead of sleeping up on the futon in the living room, I've been sleeping with Gerard in his bed, and that of course is volumes better, laying next to him with his arms wrapped around me, singing me to sleep every night. Of course, we both get outside a lot with Ray, Bob, and Mikey and all hang out together like we’re all one big happy family, but for the life of me, I just can't believe how close I've become to Gerard, as well as how much he's grown from where he once started, in a very dark, cold, and lonely place. And now, that same place is all clean and has grown brighter with more life, just like the light behind his eyes.
When we soon made it to the bottom of the stairs with the whole living room in clear view. Mikey gasped, putting both his hands over his wide open mouth, his eyes wide and stunned beyond belief.
”Oh my god…,” he said. “It...it looks great!” He released his mouth from his hands and gazed all around the new room, his eyes observing in amazed wonder. He paced around the room past the sofa, coffee table and TV and to the small kitchen, now sans of all the dirty dishes and old rotting food that laid there for ages. We followed him down the hall where he briefly peeked in the clean bathroom, then stepped at the door to Gerard's bedroom, closed shut. Mikey turned to Gerard, exchanging him a look seeking his approval.
“You mind?” He asked, voice full of caution.
I turned over to Gerard, who looked deep in thought about whether or not to let his brother in his room. That kinda confuses me. The drawings of the bodies are no longer there up on the walls, so it’s not like there's anything in there Gerard's hiding from us, as far as I know (at least, I hope to hell there isn't). Maybe the reason why Gerard is so reluctant to let Mikey in his room is simply because...well, it’s his bedroom. Your bedroom is your personal haven, the place where you go to retire and unwind, where you open up your inner world, away from everyone else. My bedroom was where I spent most of my time if I wasn't at school, work, or hanging out with the few friends I had, and I think it's not hard for many to understand that I absolutely hated it when people came into my room unannounced, especially my parents. I was also very self-conscious about the way my room appeared, which was always not the most presentable, despite not being much of a slob, so friends coming over to my house and in my room was very rare, if not at all. But last time I looked, Gerard's room looked far from unpresentable. It's bordering on perfect, or at least as close as it gets. The fucking place is spotless and roomy as ever, just as nice-looking as the rooms outside of it. Gerard may now be a lot more social and open with everyone else other than just me, but his stubbornness of being so secretive and insecure certainly hasn’t changed much for sure.
After what seemed like an eternity, Gerard finally looked up, nodding in approval to us with a smile.
”Alright,” he said, opening up the bedroom door. “Go ahead, Mikey. You can look,”
I think one thing that the Way brothers have in common with each other is that they're both easily impressed, seeing how blown away Mikey seems to be over something as mere and simple as someone's bedroom, or any room for that matter, seeing how he reacted similarly to everywhere else in the basement just minutes ago. It could be over the countless amount of artwork hanging on Gerard's walls, knowing that Gerard possesses an incredible artistic talent that's certainly not easy to gain. Or, it could be because he's so amazed that his brother has come so far from where he's started so long ago.
”Holy shit!” Mikey exclaimed joyously, his arms dramatically stretched out in amazement. The statement he just said was so full of pure enthusiasm and energy that there may as well have been confetti blasting all around him. We stood beside him, unable to stifle our bashful grins and laughs seeing Mikey so happily impressed. He turned back to Gerard and wrapped him in a sudden bear hug, which he graciously accepted and returned. “This is awesome, bro! The place looks fucking great! I'm so proud of you!”
”Hey, don't just thank me, Mikey,” Gerard laughed, his voice muffled in his brother's shirt. “You gotta give Frankie here credit for helping me. It woulda been impossible without him-”
Before I could receive my thanks from Mikey, we stopped and heard a series of footsteps erupting from outside of the bedroom, followed by a slue of “whoas” and “wows” and gasps of surprise, all coming from what sounds to be like Ray and Bob. An annoyed sigh escaped from Gerard's throat, knowing that more people are coming into his personal space unannounced.
”Holy smokes, man,” Bob exclaimed, walking in the bedroom with Ray, who's of course clad in feminine attire, with a couple boxes wrapped in his arms. They almost fell outta his hold when his astonished eyes took in the room around him.
”Well, I'll be damned!” he sang, strutting up to us, struggling to keep the boxes firmly in his arms. “This is just fabulous! Everything's so clean! Was this all your work here, Gerard?”
All our eyes are now on Gerard, who obviously looks so uncomfortable being in a room crowded full of a few too many people, all the attention on him. His face pulled off possibly one of the most fake and insecure smiles I've ever seen on anyone.
”Well, no,” he chuckled shyly. “It was me and Frankie. We cleaned this place up together,”
”Yeah, just the two of us,” I chimed in, coming to an anxious Gerard's aid. “I don’t know if me or Mikey already told you guys, but when me and Gerard got back from Juarez Park that one time, he told me he wanted to clean this place up, so I decided to pitch in and help him out, y’know?”
”Oh, really?” Ray asked, finally giving in and setting the heavy boxes of who-knows-what on the floor. “I think that explains a lot. That’s why we haven't seen much of you and Gerard lately. That probably also explains why I couldn't find that damned vacuum cleaner!”
”Oh, right,” I muttered, just realizing that I forgot to return the vacuum cleaner upstairs, which Gerard and I used to clean out the dingy, filthy carpets. “Sorry about that,”
”Hey, don't worry about it. You guys did a fantastic job down here. I woulda helped out, had I known about it and didn't have to work so much,” Ray paused and gave a sarcastic glare to Bob standing behind him. “unlike Bob here, who sits on his ass day and night,”
”Oh shut up, Ray,” Bob scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Don’t need your bad vibes, man,”
”Hey,” Gerard said suddenly, his eyes serious and accusing. “You guys keep all your bad vibes outta here. I'm not interested,”
”Oh, my bad, Gerard,” Ray replied, holding his hands up in defense. “Forget about that, sweets. We’re all so happy for you and Frank!”
”Yeah, man,” Mikey added, nodding in approval. “Seriously, you've changed so much since you first came here. You're growing, bro. We’re really proud of you,”
I don't think Gerard could ever stop himself from wiping off the bashful smile on his face, his cheeks turning a blush pinkish-red. His shy eyes went to the floor at his feet, then over to me.
”Don’t give me all the credit, guys. It's Frankie here that made all this possible,” he placed a warm hand on my shoulder, hot to the touch under my t-shirt. I smiled back at Gerard, unsure what to say, seeing all eyes on me now. “You're the one that helped me grow, Frankie. If it hadn't been for you...this place would still be a mess. I would still be a mess, but you came along and started to fix me. You're stitching me back together, Frankie,”
Gerard leaned forward and took me in his arms, holding me so closely. I returned the favor and wrapped my arms around him, my face in his shoulder, breathing in the strong scent of cigarette smoke on him that makes me smile. He is right; I am stitching him back together, the needle and thread in my hand, slowly mending all the broken pieces of him back together.
”I owe the whole world to you, Frankie. Thanks again, sugar,” he whispered in my ear, his voice soft and oh so sweet.
”Oh, to hell with it. Group hug!” Ray exclaimed, and with that, him, Bob and Mikey all joined in on me and Gerard's hug, all five of us close together in each other's arms. As I stood there with my friends all around me, I suddenly realized something: Gerard's not the only one here being fixed; Gerard is also stitching me together and fixing me, just not in the same way. I can honestly and wholeheartedly say that I am a much better, more happier person than I was before I met Gerard, and it’s pretty clear why. When I lived out in the streets I never thought in the near future I'd be spending my days with someone I deeply love and care for, working a job that I actually give a shit about that also pays out a decent amount of money. If I were to have never met up with Ray at the bar that fateful night he asked me to move in with him and the guys, including Gerard, I highly doubt I'd still be alive. I woulda very likely killed myself, dying all alone in the cold streets of downtown New York. But instead, I'm here, living with my friends from high school, as well as the man that means so much to me. If only my mom and dad can see where I am in my life now, how far I've come from where they left me. If only they could take one good look at me and be proud of me for once, and accept me for the person that...
No, Frank. Stop what the fuck you're doing right now!
I can't think about them right now. I shouldn't even let them cross my mind. I should focus on the now, here with Ray, Bob, Mikey, and Gerard. I don't wanna look back. Gerard helped me build a bridge and get over what they did to me. Those days are over and gone...but they aren't either of those things in my goddamn mind that always likes to play tricks on me.
_ _ _
Gerard and I inquired about the boxes Ray was carrying in the house just minutes ago. He told us that they came from a nearby garage sale he and Bob went to, about a few blocks down the road. They picked up some various nick-nacks there, and suggested to us that we check it out. I thought about it and decided that it wouldn't hurt to look; after all, you never know what you'll find at a garage sale, where strangers sell their unwanted junk. That's how I found my first ever guitar for a ridiculously low price, after all. The thing was in great condition too. It's like that old saying: one man's junk is another man's treasure. Mikey declined on coming with, but Gerard happily agreed to tag along with me, hoping to find some second-hand art supplies he could put to good use for his work, or some vinyls for his old record player. Turns out that when we got to the garage sale, his wish was only half-granted; there was unfortunately no art supplies for him, but there was indeed a lot of vinyls there, many of them classic rock n’ roll. He bought a few with some change he found laying around the place when we cleaned out his sofa, while I got myself something I surprisingly wanted to own for a long time - a ukulele. Yes, that's right, I've always wanted to have my very own ukulele ever since high school, but just never really took the time to save up enough money to buy myself one, for some unknown reason. I don’t know what really draws me so much to it, to be honest. Maybe the way it sounds, I guess. Or, it’s the fact that it’s such a cute and neat-looking instrument; it’s like a mini version of an acoustic guitar, pretty much . I also bought a lesson book along with it too, even though learning to play it should be a breeze, since I already know how to play guitar.
When we got back home, we ended up spending the whole rest of the day checking out our new stuff, with Gerard playing his vinyls on his record player, while I sat on his bed, reading off the lesson book getting acquainted playing my new instrument which, of course, didn’t take long to do at all. I’ve already mastered half the songs in the book, for fuck’s sake. Then, as I flipped through the pages, something interesting came to my eye; on page 34 is a song that definitely brought a smile to my face the minute I saw the title - “Can’t Help Falling In Love” by Elvis Presley.
Yes! This is perfect. I need to learn to play this on the ukulele. I already know how to play it on the guitar, so learning it here is gonna be a piece of cake. I know I’ll be so proud of myself when I finally know how to play it perfectly, and damn it, I already know who I’m gonna play it to when I do so, because it’s my song to him.
“I suck at guitar,” Gerard moped, taking a drag from the cigarette in his hand. “I can’t play to save my own life,”
“This isn’t a guitar, Gee. It’s a ukulele,” I laughed, strumming the strings of the instrument Gerard just wrongly labeled.
“Well yeah! I know that, Frankie. I wasn’t born yesterday, y’know. I know it’s a fucking ukulele,”
“Sheesh, calm down, sassy-pants,” I replied, laughing even harder. I swear, if there’s ever such thing as a sass god, Gerard Way would be the one, hands down. “God, Gee. When did you learn to be such a sassy diva?”
“I dunno, Frankie. Guess that's just how I am. You do know I'm just messing with you, right?”
“Yeah, I know,” I set the ukulele down, feeling a huge yawn emerge from within me. I laid down on Gerard’s bed, my whole body stretched and sprawled out, my eyes growing heavy with tiredness. I got under the covers, not bothering to even get changed outta my clothes. Today was certainly a long day, finally finishing up with cleaning Gerard's basement and all, and I am fucking exhausted. I need to learn to play that song on my new ukulele soon, though. That’s what I’m gonna do when I get off work. I gotta practice playing, for him. I wanna sing and play my heart out for him because - I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again - I can’t help falling in love with him.
“Hmmm, someone’s getting sleepy,” Gerard sat up, peeling off his shirt and pants and reaching into his dresser for a pair of pajamas. With my body wrapped up in the blankets of his bed, I sat there with my eyes focused on his naked, beautifully pale and fuller body, all of it seeming to move with grace as he undresses out of his clothes. I don’t care about the unhealed scars and bruises that are still on his body, or the fact that he now has a little extra fat instead of almost none. His body is imperfect, but goddamnit, it’s beautifully imperfect, and I want it all.
Did I also mention that Gerard has one of the nicest asses I’ve ever seen? Because he really does. It’s that kind of ass that’s just at the right shape, so full and luscious. I could just take my hands and grasp at it’s cheeks, squeezing them under my fingers and-
“Make room, sugar,” Gerard said, now dressed in a t-shirt and boxers. I scooched over and let him in, his body lying down next to mine and curling under the covers, making us both oh so warm inside and out. He put his arms around me, pushing me closer to him and began to stroke at my black hair, that familiar look of awe clear on his face, and in his eyes.
“Frankie,” he whispered, pushing my bangs away from my face. “Haven’t I already told you that you are just the most beautiful thing this planet can ever be blessed with?”
“You are, Gerard,” I replied, smiling as I felt his warm hand caress my blushing face. “You’re a real blessing to this world, and to me...and that makes me so lucky to have you,”
“I’m not sure if I’m a blessing to the world,” Gerard nodded doubtfully, frowning a little. “I am a killer and escaped mental patient, after all. If anything, I’m anything but a blessing to the world,”
“But you’re still a blessing to me,” I lifted Gerard’s chin up to face me, his face cupped in my hand. “Remember that, Gee,” I leaned forward and planted a short and sweet kiss on his lips, seeing a smile grow on them as I released him.
“Just like you are one to me, sugar,” He took me back in his arms, our bodies nearly inseparable from each other. As I once again took in that familiar and strong scent of tobacco on him, I shut my eyes, letting my mind drift off as I felt my sleepiness get the better of me. I love being held like this all the time, being told that I am a blessing to someone’s life, that I am important and meaningful, that someone cares about me. Everyone should be told that, but why does it hit me so much? Is it because no one has ever made me feel that special and good about myself? Is it because prior to all this being with Gerard, I was all alone and left for dead out in the slums for several months? Is it because nobody else besides Gerard, as well as the few friends that I have, have made me feel that way, and that’s not what my mom and dad ever did for me? My friends gave me a sense of belongingness, letting me know someone cares about me, that I am not an insignificant waste of space, that I am not a lonely misfit that juts out like a sore thumb from the artificial society that’s been molded for everyone to fit in. But what Gerard has given me is so precious and beautiful, that it’s hard to put into words. He doesn’t just make me feel special. He doesn’t just make me feel like I’m wanted. He doesn’t just make me feel like I have a meaning in this cruel world. It’s more than just that, yet it’s so simple - he makes me feel like I’m loved...and that’s not what my flesh and blood parents gave to me at all. Love isn’t shaming your depressed and suicidal son for being different. Love isn’t constantly bible-bashing and fear-mongering your son, controlling him like a puppet on strings. Love isn’t throwing your son away for being gay, telling him he’s a sinner and no longer welcome in the home he spent the last how many years growing up in. Love isn’t letting your son fade away out on the cold streets, left with nothing but the clothes on his back and the misery that resides in his empty and broken heart. I am a fool for lying to myself all this time, just realizing the cold and painful truth - my parents didn’t love me. They never did. Just saying those words in my mind already makes my heart feel like it was just stabbed, knowing the full weight of such a devastating yet honest statement. If only my mom and dad could see where I am now, with the person that does provide me with so much love. It may be a different type of love, one that’s not a parent-to-child kind of love, but it’s still love nonetheless. All this time I thought that I put the past behind me, that I was over what happened to me when my parents cut me out, but it’s clear that that’s not true at all. I’m still not fucking over it.
“Frankie,” Gerard said, my face feeling his sudden yet tender touch. “Sugar, why are you crying?”
“What?” I furrowed my brow, bewildered. “I’m not crying, am I?”
“You are,” Gerard wiped my eyes, feeling the warm moisture of the tears I didn’t even acknowledge. Oh my god. Was I really crying like Gerard said, and I didn’t even notice? There was no prelude to it. I didn’t even feel the sting of the tears coming. It just happened. “Tell me, Frankie. Why do you have tears in your beautiful eyes?”
“I…” I sighed, knowing the full reason why I let myself cry, dreading the moment I gotta spill the beans. “I’m sorry. Something’s just on my mind,”
“What’s that?”
“I realized something...something about my parents. They…,” I stopped. I know I can’t do it. I know what’ll happen if I do. I’ll lose it all. There’s no doubt in my mind that’s what’ll happen. I already feel it coming.
“They what, Frankie?”
“They...they never loved me,” I felt myself nearly choke saying that dreaded five-lettered word.
“What makes you say that?”
“Don’t you already know, Gerard? I told you everything, didn’t I?” Here we go. It’s coming out. I’m losing it, loud and clear, right in front of him. “I told you what they’ve done to me, right? I told you how they made me feel, haven’t I? Don’t tell me you don’t know. They didn’t care about me. They never took the time to say how much they love me. They only cared about turning me into something they can love and appreciate in their eyes, and not let me be myself. They made me feel like I was not important. They made me feel worthless!”
“Frankie, but-”
“No!” I screamed, louder than I should have. I am shaking. I am fuming. I am slipping away. “There’s no if, ands, or buts about it, Gerard. I was less than shit to them. They lied to me over and over again. They never fucking loved me. You don’t kick out someone you love outta your own home for being gay. How the fuck can you love someone if you never even show them that you do, Gerard? I never knew what love really was...until I met you, Gerard! I fucking love you, Gerard!”
Now I really have lost it all. I caved in, burying my face into the chest of the one person that showed me what love is, feeling loud shaky cries escape from my lips. I’m not just crying. I’m fucking sobbing like a baby. I had to let it out, and tell him that I love him, because goddamnit, I fucking do! Now here I am, weak and weeping, clinging on to Gerard for my dear life, yearning for his reassuring and safe embrace. I need it. He needs to hold me!
“Hold me,” I pleaded, barely able to speak. “Please, hold me, Ger-”
“Oh, baby!” Like lightning, Gerard did just that. He took me into his arms once again and held me tight, his whole body shaking as much as mine. “I love you too, Frankie!” he exclaimed as he held me, rocking me back and forth in his affectionate embrace. I swear, I can almost hear him beginning to cry, too.
“I’m sorry,” I said, feeling the weight of my guilt for making him cry once again. “I’m still not over it. I’m so pathetic. I’m sorry I made you-”
“Frankie,” he interrupted. “Just stop. Don’t speak anymore, baby. No more tears in those eyes, please. I’m here,”
I can’t make the tears go away. I just can’t do it. They won’t stop, no matter how much I try. I stop myself to gain my breath, only to fall right back into the cries and sobs again, the tears pouring from my eyes. I’m sorry, Gerard. I just can’t stop. I can’t stop crying…
“If I could be with you tonight,” Gerard sang softly, still holding me tight. “I would sing you to sleep, never let them take the light behind your eyes. One day I’ll lose this fight. As we fade in the dark just remember you will always burn as bright,” As he finished, he took my face in both his hands, his lips kissing mine longingly. It was a single kiss, and it made the tears and the crying come to a screeching halt. No, it wasn’t just the kiss. It’s also what he sang that made me stop crying. It’s so beautiful. No, wait. It’s more than that. It’s so beautiful it’s beyond words. It’s his beautiful voice that made it all go away…
“It’s okay, baby,” he continued. “I’m right here. I will never let them take the light behind your eyes, Frankie. I promise,”
“Oh, Gee,” I smiled, having a sudden thought. He sang that song for a reason. It’s a part of something, at least I think it is. “That was...oh my god, that was amazing! Is that a part of the song you-”
“Yes, Frankie. It is,” Gerard nodded. “It definitely is a part of that song I showed you in my notebook. It’s part of that song that didn’t have a name...until now,”
“What’s it called?” I asked.
“The Light Behind Your Eyes. How’s that?”
“I like it, Gee. That’s a great title for it,” It’s true. There just couldn’t be a better name for it. But there’s something about the song I just don’t get, and I gotta ask him.
“Gerard...what do you mean by ‘lose this fight’? What fight?”
I dunno if I stumped him or if I just asked him something he doesn’t feel comfortable telling me, seeing the sudden frown on his face. He sighed, almost looking completely defeated.
“Frankie...it’s a little hard to explain. I’ll tell you later when the time is right, okay?”
“Alright,” I shrugged, a little disappointed. I’m eager to know, but I guess it shouldn’t hurt to let it be for now. I know he’ll tell me sometime. “Did I forget to tell you that I just love the song so far?”
“Thank you, baby. I’m glad you do,” Gerard went right back to all smiles, grabbing me and holding me in his arms yet again. With my face in his shirt and my hands in his hair, I breathed in that scent of cigarettes on him, smiling as well as I shut my eyes. Everything about him makes me that way.
“You know something, Gee?” I said.
“What’s that?”
“You’re the light behind my eyes,”
“Oh, Frankie,” Gerard blushed, his face just inches from mine, our noses touching. “You're the light behind my eyes, too. Always will be. Never forget that, baby,”
He shut his eyes, and I shut mine as well. Our lips met once again, our kissing making time itself seem to slow down. At least, that's how I always feel when I'm kissing him. I also have these other feelings emerge within me every time I'm so close to him, and damn it, I really feel it now. It’s so strong, much stronger than ever before. My whole body and mind is screaming at me, tempting me to just do it…

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