The Light Behind His Eyes (Frerard)

I think now I know why Gerard's basement is so damn dark. I just realized that there's only one small window in the whole place, in the far left corner of his bedroom, which is now in lieu of the graphic, vulgar drawings. In all the time I've spent down in Gerard's basement, the fact that there’s just one fucking window in this whole place downstairs just dawned upon me. I glanced out at it, seeing the sunlight’s rays shine through it. It's the only window to the outside world that Gerard has down here. He stepped out into the outside world yesterday, and it astonished him so much that it made him (finally) want to clean up his living space, which I generously offered to help him with, since I have the day off today. It's a big basement, therefore, it's a big place to tidy up, with a lot to clean up...and I mean a lot. This is gonna take a long-ass time to get done, like several days. It would be nice if everyone else would pitch in and help, but unfortunately for us, that’s not gonna be happening right now, since Ray and Bob are both out, and Mikey is at work, leaving just the two of us.
”That’s the only beam of sunlight that comes into my room,” Gerard commented, seeing my eyes focused on the window as I helped him dust his room . “Hell, it's the only one that comes into this whole place!”
”I know it is, I just noticed that,” I replied, using the cleaner-soaked rag in my hand to dust off one of the shelves on Gerard's bookcase, which is of course covered in layers of dust, as if it hadn't been touched in decades. Feeling the pollen fill up in my nose, I sneezed, the impact of it blowing the dust of all over the place.
”Bless you!” Gerard sang, his eyes occupied on the nightstand he's dusting. “You alright, Frankie?”
”Yeah, I'm fine,” At least, I thought I was, until I felt something tickle my shoulder, something small. I turned around and nearly went into cardiac arrest, falling right on my can when I saw the huge, pointy-legged spider just inches away from me. I gasped, feeling the hairs of my neck rise as I backed up against the wall, completely helpless. Did I mention that I'm deathly afraid of spiders? I don't know why I am. Maybe it's the way they look, their thin legs protruding from it’s body, it's tiny fangs snarling and full of God knows what kind harmful venom. Even daddy long-legged ones freak me out, despite them being non-threatening. But this spider here isn't a daddy long-leg. This one is bigger, thicker, more menacing-looking, one that looks like it can actually kill someone...one that can even kill me!
”Holy shit!” I screamed, my eyes barely able to take in the spider’s frightening size, it's body dangling from a web on the ceiling. “Kill it, Gerard! Kill it!”
Gerard leapt up to his feet like lightning, swatting the spider off it's web, landing on the floor. I screamed again, curling my body up as the thing crawled towards me before it made a loud crunch sound, being crushed under what appears to be a big and thick textbook tightly gripped in Gerard's hands, his body looming over it. He lifted it up, revealing the squashed remnants of the now fallen bug. My whole body shuddered seeing it, my insides churning. I shut my eyes and breathed out in relief deeply, knowing that the spider is dead. Thank fucking god. You're my savior, Gerard.
”Thank you,” I whispered. “Thank you, Gerard,”
“Frankie!” Gerard dropped the book and rushed to me, eyes full of genuine worry. “Oh, Frankie! Are you okay?” He crouched down to his knees and cupped his shaking hands around my blood-drained face. “You're not hurt, are you?”
“No, I don't think so,” I shook my head, chills running down my spine feeling Gerard's tender touch on my face. “I'm sorry. I shoulda told you that I have a pretty irrational fear of spiders,”
“No, don't be sorry. You just really freaked me out, seeing you so fucking terrified! Are you sure you're okay?”
“Yeah, it's cool. I'll be okay,” I replied, still shaken from seeing the size of that fucking spider. Seriously...that thing scared the living shit outta me.
“Oh, Frankie…” Gerard stroked his hand on my cheek, brushing my black bangs away from my face. “I don't want you to be scared. I want you to be safe, Frankie. I'd kill every fucking spider in the whole world for you…,”
“Really?” I laughed. It would be awesome if Gerard was really capable of such a task. That's how much I despise spiders. “You would do that for me-”
“I’d murder for you, Frankie,” Gerard grinned, hazel eyes seducing yet malevolent. He chuckled under his breath, still stroking my face with his hands that have slaughtered three boys. “I’d kill anyone for you, no matter who it is. Remember that, Frankie. That's how much you mean to me,” he whispered, his face slowly closing in on me. His lips planted a kiss on mine, the nicotine on his as strong as ever. I shut my eyes,my lips being blessed with the touch of his. I’m unsure whether I should feel flattered that he’d do so much for me, or scared, knowing what he’s done in the past...as well as the millions of other things I still may as well not know about him. It still hits me hard every single time realising that I am kissing a mentally disturbed, revenge-obsessed murderer with a dark and murky past, and not just a broken, yet beautiful man.
_ _ _
Gerard insisted that we both work on cleaning up the all the trash scattered on the floor rather than dust, to avoid any more encounters with cobwebs and spiders. We relocated to the living room, starting there. With a large plastic trash can near us, we tossed what was garbage and kept what Gerard considered a keepsake, like lost art supplies. As much of a drag cleaning is, getting all sweaty and worn out, I'm completely fine with it, doing it all with Gerard. I could be doing almost anything with him...literally anything with him and be the happiest fucker alive.
“Hey, I'll be right back,” Gerard sat up, stretching. He turned away and walked down the hall, making his way to the bathroom. “I’m gonna take a leak,”
“Alright,” I said, occupied with sorting through the heaps of scattered junk in front of me, mainly consisting of clothes that probably hadn’t been washed in ages, the rank stench of mildew strong on them. After chucking pair after pair of dirty socks behind me in a laundry basket, I felt something glass-like touch my fingers, something flat. It feels like a framed picture, like maybe one of Gerard’s misplaced pieces of artwork. I pulled it out of the clothes pile to get a better look; it’s not artwork. It’s an old photograph; specifically, an old family portrait, weathering and discolored from age. I felt my heart skip a beat, quickly realizing the people in the picture: it’s a young child Gerard, who looks no older than maybe four, with his baby brother Mikey and...his daddy and mama, as he calls them. It’s the Way family from so long ago, all together and happy, smiling. They’re all on a sofa in a spacious living room, the little Way brothers sitting in mama Way’s lap, holding them both close to her. She looks so pretty, youthful and loving, her hair a halo of golden blonde locks, her face lightly made-up. Next to her sits her husband, Gerard and Mikey’s father, a tall, humble-looking heavyset man with glasses and slicked-back dark hair. Then, of course, there’s little Gerard and Mikey, both dressed in striped t-shirts and jean overalls, their smiles baby-toothed and gleeful, their eyes both hazel and gleaming joyously. I couldn’t even come close to holding back the tears that began to well up in my eyes. This is Gerard’s innocent days glaring right back at me in this photo. This broken man had a daddy and mama that loved him and his baby brother, cared for them, raised them until that horrid night they were wrongfully snatched away in such a ghastly and devastating way. These two loving parents were taken away from Gerard, and now he’s made an allegiance to make the two culprits pay the price for what they’ve done. They didn’t just murder his parents, but also his whole fucking life. They both ruined Gerard, and I’m the one that’s now supposed to repair him.
“Hey, whatcha got there?” Gerard emerged from the bathroom, walking up behind me and making me jump a little.
Oh, no...I can’t let him see this…
“Oh, nothing,” I blurted out, holding the photo close to my body, shielding it from Gerard’s view. “It’s nothing,”
Gerard wasn’t buying any of this. I can see it clearly in him. His face just says it all. Fuck me...this isn’t gonna go well, is it?
“Let me see,” he said flatly, his hand stretched out. “Please,”
It’s no use hiding it, is it?
“Alright…” I caved in, sighing as I handed Gerard the photo, dreading what’s probably yet to come. I can already feel it, seeing the drastic change of expression, like a giant slap across the face, one that’s coming from his innocent, long-gone past.
“Oh my god…” he whispered, his voice muffled under his shaking hand. “It’s…”
“I’m sorry, Gerard,” I said remorsefully under my breath. I stood up beside him, wrapping a comforting arm around his shoulders. “I didn’t want you to-”
“It’s us...me and-and M-mikey...and...d-daddy...and-and...mama…” Standing there in mourning silence with the photo in his shaking hands, tears ran down his face, dropping right on the glass containing a fond memory in a picture.
“I’m so sorry,” I said again. “Truly, I am,”
The photo fell out of Gerard’s trembling hands, dropping to the floor with a loud thump. He didn’t bother to bend down to pick it up; he just continued to stand there with his hands out, silently in tears, gazing down at the photo now at his feet.
“Here,” I bent down, reaching for the picture. “Let me-”
“No,” Gerard cut me off, shaking his head. He turned away and stormed into his bedroom, leaving it behind. “No, no, no!”
“Gerard!” I called out, feeling my heart break once again as I followed him. “Wait a minute!” I ran after him into his bedroom, finding him curled up in a ball on his bed, hiding his sobbing face in his hands, the cries stabbing me right in my soul repeatedly. It’s all my fault. I found that photo, and it made him cry.
“Daddy...mama!” He whimpered, his body shaking as he laid there in fetal position, his loud and choppy sobs erupting throughout the room. “Daddy, mama, daddy, mama-”
“Shhhh,” I reached out for him. “It’s okay, Gerard. I’m here-”
“No!” Gerard flinched away from me, his face contorted with rage and despair. “No, it’s not okay, Frankie! Daddy and mama are dead! They’re both dead! I miss them and I want them back!”
I don’t know what to say. He misses them that much. They’ve been dead and away from him for so long, and he still misses them dearly. Maybe I don’t have to be there to calm him down and stop him from crying. Maybe now, it’s necessary to let him mourn. That’s what he needs to do. Quietly, I laid down next to Gerard, wrapping my arms around his body and curling up next to him. I don’t think he even took a second to notice me. He just kept crying, his wails loud and still so heartbreaking.
“Daddy...mama…” he repeated, that familiar childish voice returning. “Daddy...mama...daddy! Mama!” Gerard’s voice grew more and more frantic as he shook uncontrollably, his hands hitting and slapping himself across the face, using it as a punching bag.
Oh, no...oh God, please, no...not again...why, Gerard, why?!
“Gerard!” I jumped into action and grabbed onto his arms, daring to not let himself do such a thing to his beautiful self. “Gerard, stop it!”
“Let me go, Frankie!” Gerard screamed, arms flailing and struggling. “Let go of me!”
“No, Gerard! Stop hitting yourself right now!” I tightened my grip, frustration and fear rushing through me as I struggled to hold him down. I wrestled him and managed to topple him, my body sitting on top of his, with my bottom over his stomach, my legs wrapped around him. “Why do you do this to yourself? Why do you keep hurting yourself like this? It’s wrong!”
“No!” Gerard jerked one on his arms outta my grip and slapped me clean across the face, the impact of it leaving my face red and stinging. “Fuck you, Frank! Get the fuck away from me!” His face grew red, his eyes beaming with a mixture of rage and despair, his teeth gritting. I didn’t, though. I stood there silently still sitting over him, eyes wide and dumbfounded, his words slapping me hard in the face like his hand just did seconds ago. He hurt me again…
“G-gerard…” I choked, barely able to speak. “You just...hit me…”
I think now that Gerard just stopped and realized the weight of what he just did. His eyes widened, his face contorting to an expression of utter remorse, his lips quivering as he gazed up at me in guilt.
“Frankie…” he whimpered in the childish voice. “Frankie...I’m so sorry! I’m sorry I hurt you!”
I woulda ran away like I did last time. But I didn’t. I’m staying down here with him. He needs me. I promised I would never leave him. I promised I would fix him. I never ever go back on my word. I’d be scum if I did, breaking our promise.
“It’s okay,” I said. “It’s okay, Gerard. I know you didn’t-”
“No, Frankie!” Gerard refuted, his voice choked from his sobs. “It’s not okay, Frankie! I hurt you again! I let myself hurt you again! Just leave me, Frankie. Leave me and don’t ever come back here!”
“No, Gerard! I’m not leaving!” I yelled, tightening my grip on his arms again. “I’m not leaving you alone!”
“Let go of me, Frankie!” Gerard struggled flailing and kicking. “Leave me right now! I don’t deserve you!”
“No, Gerard! You do deserve me! You need me!” I pinned his arms down to the bed, weakening his defenses against me. “I told you I would fix you, right? I promised you I’d never leave you! Don’t you remember that? I’m not leaving you, damn it! I’m staying right here with you, no matter what,”
Gerard froze, no longer resistant and combative. Exhausted and still restrained, he stared up at me, his eyes wide and full of shock.
“Frankie…”
“Listen to me, Gerard,” I continued, staring down back at him with his body still pinned down the bed. “I can’t leave you. You need someone to help you. You need to stop hurting yourself, living in fear all the time. You need to grow stronger, just like your grandma Elena told you. Do you think that Elena and your parents would be happy seeing you like this, hitting yourself and being all alone constantly? They’d want you to get better. They’d want you to move on and to stop living in the past so much. They’d want you to be well, right? They’d want someone to help you...I want to help you!”
“Frankie…” Gerard repeated, his eyes tearful. “Oh, Frankie!”
I laid down on the bed and took Gerard in my arms, his loud cries muffled in my shirt with his face buried in my neck. He held on to me tightly with his dear life, his body still shaking. I ran my hand through his black hair, stroking it.
“I’m sorry, Frankie!” he sniffled. “I’m so sorry I hurt you like that!”
“It’s okay, Gerard. I forgive you,”
“How?” he gazed up at me, his eyes accusing and bewildered. “How can you forgive someone like me? I hurt people, Frankie. I’m a monster for hurting someone that just wants to help me!”
“You’re not a monster. I know you didn’t mean to do that to me. I know you didn’t do it under malicious intentions. You were angry. You were mourning, and I shoulda let you be, but I didn’t want you to hurt yourself again,”
“Please don’t let me be, Frankie,” Gerard begged, his eyes giving me that desperate doe-like look. “I don’t want you to leave me alone. I don’t wanna be alone. I take back what I said!”
“Oh, Gee,” I lifted my hand up and cupped it around his cheek, my thumb wiping away the tears. “I’ll be right here. I’m not leaving you,”
“Please don’t ever leave me!” Gerard shoved his face back into my neck.
“I won’t,” I replied.
“Don’t leave me, Frankie,”
“I won’t, Gerard. I won’t. I promise,”
We laid there in silence, our bodies entwined with each other. Fuck cleaning, that can wait. I’m gonna stay here with Gerard. I need to comfort him. I would sing him to sleep, laying here with him in his bedroom. The whole day we spent working our asses off cleaning house, and that’s obviously taken a toll on me. I’m honestly really exhausted and ready to crash. I glanced out the window, seeing that the sun had been replaced with gloomy gray clouds, light droplets of rain tapping on the glass.
“I’m-I’m scared, Frankie,” Gerard whispered shakily, glancing up at the window with me, seeing the rain.
“Why, what’s wrong?” I turned to him, stroking my hand in his hair again.
“Because I hate the rain,”
“Why’s that?”
“Because when it rains...it storms, and I hate the thunder. I’m scared of thunder,” Gerard sighed, looking so embarrassed as he confesses his distaste for stormy weather. “It brings back bad memories,”
“Like what?”
“Like…” Gerard paused, shaking his head. “I don’t wanna talk about it right now. I’m sorry…”
“No, it’s okay. I understand. Let’s just lay here, okay? Let’s just sleep,”
“Alright,” Gerard curled up against my body, resting his head on my shoulder. He shut his eyes, looking so peaceful, just like I want him to be…
A soft roll of thunder erupted outside off in the distance as the tapping of raindrops on the window grew louder and faster. Gerard gasped, jumping a little, his head perking up.
“It’s alright,” I whispered, pulling him back in my arms yet again. “It’s okay, Gerard. Just sleep,”
_ _ _
The storm grew worse as the night progressed. I laid in Gerard’s bed, unable to sleep. It’s not because of the thunderstorm. It’s because of Gerard, who's also restless, shaking and hyperventilating and tossing and turning constantly, his body drenched in sweat and enraveled in the sheets. Every time the thunder would boom outside, it would make Gerard jump up and gasp, covering his ears with his hands. I’ve tried everything to calm him down. I’ve tried holding him, singing to him, and a fuck ton of other things, but to no avail. Right now he’s still lying close to me with my arms wrapped around his stomach, his back facing me, still trembling and sweating profusely. I don’t know when this storm’s gonna finally subside. It needs to stop, but god knows when the hell that’s gonna actually happen. This can’t go on, not only because I need to sleep so I have enough energy for work tomorrow, but also because it just hurts too much to see Gerard so terrified. He has that resemblance of a small, scared child hiding under the covers, fearing the rumbling and startling sound of the loud thunder. I used to be a little scared of the thunder as a kid, but it was nothing like this. I sat up and looked down at Gerard, who’s curled up in fetal position, sucking his thumb, eyes bulging and mortified.
Jesus...I really wasn’t ever this bad at all…
“Gerard,” I said, shaking him a little. He gasped, jumping and turning around to face me.
“Oh, Frankie...it’s just you,” he sighed. “Thank god. Made me jump like a frog there,”
Wait a minute...that’s it!
I’ve got an idea. One that might just help Gerard. I swear, it’s a good idea. So good that there may as well be a giant lightbulb over my head, shining bright and making a ding sound.
“Come on, Gerard,” I sat up outta bed, stretching. “Let’s go upstairs,”
“What for?” he asked.
“You’ll see,” I sang. “Come on, let’s go,” I held my hand out for him, waiting for him to take it. He stared at it, then back at me, then back at the hand, unsure what to do.
“Come ooooon!” I whined. “Let’s go, Gee. I’ll be right here,”
“Oh...okay,” Gerard reluctantly took hold of my hand and stood up, getting outta bed. With his hand in mine, I led him outta his room and upstairs to the bathroom. I bent down and started to run some warm water in the bathtub and reached for the bottle of Mr. Bubbles near it, pouring a little in. It wasn’t long before the water soon became engulfed in pink soap suds, the bathtub being filled up in it. I glanced over at Gerard, who looked like he still doesn’t know what on earth is going on.
“Come on, Gee,” I nudged him. “Why don’t you take a bubble bath to calm down?”
Gerard didn’t reply. He just continued to stare at me, looking totally confused. It’s not like it really irks me that much to see him so bewildered. Who does take a bath at this time of night, anyway? It doesn’t matter, though. I’m willing to do just about anything to calm him down and stop being so stressed out and scared from the storm outside…
Outside, the thunder roared loudly, making the house shake a little. Gerard gasped, covering his ears with his hands, huffing and puffing frantically, eyes shut tight. After he was sure it stopped, he then looked back up at me, eyes apologetic.
“I’m-I’m sorry,” he muttered under his breath. “I’m sorry, Frankie,”
“No, it’s okay,” I replied, hugging him. “I’m here,” As I stood there with my arms wrapped around Gerard, I glanced back at the bathtub, and noticed immediately something’s missing. I let go of Gerard and opened up the little cupboard under the sink, not taking long to find what I’m looking for. I pulled out Gerard’s little rubber froggy, it’s eyes big and cartoon-like, it’s smile wide and cheeky. I squeezed it, a shrill squeak escaping from it.
“Here, I found your froggy,” I waved it out to him, his eyes locked on to it. He smirked a little, chuckling dryly.
“Come on, please, Gee?” I begged. “I swear it’ll help,”
Gerard continued to stare at the frog, looking as if he’s deliberating his choices. After a painstakingly long time, he looked back up at me, nodding.
“Okay,” he whispered. He looked around the room, not moving an inch after agreeing to do what I told him. He glanced back at me, looking totally lost, then down at the ground.
He’s gotta take his clothes off, and he looks too scared.
“Here,” I reached out for him, offering to help. I stopped, asking myself if that’s even a good idea, seeing him flinch a little away from my hands, much to my fear. For all I know, Gerard coulda experienced something something very horrid and scarring, making him afraid to undress himself, or have someone else do that for him. That could be part of the reason why he seldom bathed himself and changed his clothes.
“Go ahead,” Gerard whispered, arms above his head. “It’s okay,”
“You sure?” I asked.
“Y-yeah...I think so,” he replied, frowning in shame. “Just don’t be too shocked if...you don’t like what you see…”
I pulled off Gerard’s shirt over his head, feeling my heart sink into my stomach at the sight of his bare upper body. He’s a lot thinner than I thought he was. He’s close to bordering on anorexic, his ribs almost clearly showing through his pale, bruised and scarred skin. I pulled down his pants, seeing that his lower half isn’t any better. His whole body is a canvas of self-mutilation, covered in cuts and bruises. I’m honestly at a loss of words. I sat there, trying to hide my inner devastation at the sight of Gerard’s starved and wounded body. Now I know why Gerard mainly wears baggy clothing; to hide what’s under it. Even what he wore yesterday at the park looked a little too big on him. Now that I think about it, he barely ate anything when we were there for our picnic, maybe like a few small bites of his sandwich. I used to be very self-conscious about my body, hating everything about it. I seldom ate anything and was scared shitless of getting fat. I used to think I was too fat, despite being like a size two. Seeing this is just like my self-loathing teenage past, glaring right back at me.
“I’m sorry,” Gerard said, hanging his head down. “I knew you’d hate to see this…I’m so ugly,”
“No,” I replied, putting my hands on his bare shoulders. “Don’t be sorry, Gerard. You’re not ugly. You’re beautiful…” I kissed him on the cheek, which I know for a fact made him blush, seeing him smile as his cheeks turned pink. “I mean it,”
“You’re not just saying that to make me feel better, are you?” Gerard asked.
“Of course not. I wouldn’t lie to you like that. I really do mean it,”
“Oh, alright,” he bit his lip. “If you say so, Frankie…”
I glanced down and noticed that Gerard’s still in his boxers. Uh, oh...this is the hard part. I gave him a “do you mind?” kind of look, to which he reluctantly nodded in approval. I bent down and wrapped my fingers around the waist of his underwear, feeling them shake as my heart raced a little. I slipped them down around his ankles, pulling off his socks as well.
Good lord…
I tried not to look too much at his...well, his privates. I know it’s not the right thing to do. Now’s not the time for that. I think Gerard picked up on the awkward look on my face, seeing me trying to be polite not to stare. He smiled a little, his cheeks blushing.
“Alright,” I said, trying to hide how hot and bothered I must look right now. “You ready to get in now?”
Gerard nodded, slowly turning to the tub, his toes feeling the temperature of the bubbly water before stepping in and sitting down, his whole body surrounded by the pink soap bubbles. I kneeled down to him and turned off the water, searching for the shampoo and conditioner in the tub. Before Gerard could get himself comfortable, the thunder outside erupted again, loud and crashing. Gerard’s body shook, water around him splashing. He clamped his hands over his ears again, a shrill whimpering sound emerging from his throat, his whole body slightly trembling in fear. He shut his eyes tight, shaking his head.
“Gerard,” I put a hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay. It’s just-”
“Make it stop,” he begged. “No more, please! No more,”
“Gerard, it’s just thunder. It’s not gonna hurt you-”
“I don’t wanna be shocked anymore!” he cried, the same whimper escaping his lips. “I don’t need this therapy! It hurts! It hurts so much! Please, stop it! I swear I’ll be good!”
Therapy? What’s he talking about?
“What are you talking about?” I shook him lightly. “Gerard, listen to me!”
“I swear I’ll be good!” Gerard let go of his ears and smothered his face with his wet hands, his speech distorted and muffled. “I swear I’ll take my meds! I swear I’ll eat so I don’t get the tube up my nose! I swear I’ll shower! I swear I’ll get outta bed when I’m told to! I swear I won’t fight the nurse when she sticks a needle in me! Please, for the love of hell, don’t shock me again! Please, don’t hurt me! Don’thurtmedon’thurtmedon’thurtmedon’t-”
“Gerard!” I reached over and shook Gerard harder, his head snapping up and turning to me, eyes wide.
“Frankie…” he whispered, shaking his head in shame. “Oh my god...I’m sorry, Frankie,”
“Just calm down, Gerard. No one’s gonna shock you. Nobody’s gonna hurt you. I’m here,”
Gerard didn’t say anything. He buried his face in his hands again, his body still curled up as if he’s wishing to hide away from everyone, like he’s already done for so long. I think now I already know why Gerard’s afraid of the thunder, based what he just spilled out to me. It reminds him of getting shock treatment when he was in the loony bin. It has to be, hearing his talk of nurses, meds, and so on. But, who knows? I could be wrong, for all I know. Maybe I should ask…? No, I shouldn’t. Bad idea. It's almost plainly obvious what he’s been freaking out about. I shouldn’t be asking him anything right now. Now’s not the right time. He’s clearly too upset. Right now, I need to focus on comforting him. I’m gonna help clean him.
I grabbed a cup from under the sink cupboard, along with a bottle of shampoo, conditioner, a bar of soap, and a washcloth. I filled the cup with some water and slowly poured it over Gerard’s head, soaking his hair. I put a little dab of the shampoo in my hand and lathered in in his hair, prompting Gerard to keep his eyes covered to avoid getting any soap in his eyes. I then poured more water over his head, rinsing the shampoo out until all the suds were out. I did the same with the conditioner, leaving it in his hair for a bit to make sure the moisture settles in and makes his hair smooth when it’s dry. As I did, I took the wet washcloth and soap and scrubbed his body with firm strokes, lathering the soap all over him. The whole time, Gerard’s eyes stayed on me, that familiar doe-like look in them. He looks so calm and collected, much more than earlier, but still so guilty and ashamed of himself. As I washed the conditioner out of his damp hair, I noticed he forgot something. I reached behind me and grabbed the squeaky rubber frog, holding it out to him.
“Here, you forgot this,” I said, squeaking it a couple times. “Here you go,”
Gerard slowly reached out for the frog, his hands curling around it and taking it into his hand. He gazed down at it, his eyes vacant and nearly lifeless.
“How’d that song go, anyway? That little song you always sing about being a frog?” I asked. “Come on, Gee. Sing for me, why don’t you? Tell me how it goes!”
“I’m...I’m a frog dad,” Gerard stuttered, his eyes slowly coming back to life. He smiled, the frog making a loud and shrill squeak in his hand. “I’m a froggy!”
“There you go!” I exclaimed, smiling to myself, knowing that my plan’s finally starting to work. “Keep going, Gee!”
“I’m just hopping around...and I’m hopping around...just being a frog,” Gerard sang lightly, now clutching his froggy with both hands. He turned his head to me, his smile wider than before. “Do you like being a frog? Cause I like being a frog! Cause it means I get to live in the water...and jump, fuckin’ everywhere, and hang out with my friends. And hang out with my friends, as a froooooooooooooog!” Gerard swung one of his hands and splashed me, my whole face and shirt now soaking wet. I fell back, covering my face and laughing hysterically as I blindly reached around the room for a towel. The Gerard I know and love is starting to come back to me again, and knowing that makes me so fucking happy.
“Come on, Frankie!” Gerard cooed. “Join me, why don’t you?”
“Alright, alright. Just don’t fucking splash me again. You almost got soap in my eye!” I continued to laugh as I dried my face, until I realized what Gerard just told me to do. He wants me to get in with him? For real? If so, then that means...it’s my turn to get naked, right in front of him.
“Come on!” Gerard pouted. “Get in here already before it gets cold! What are you waiting for?”
“Alright, hold on, sassy,” I pulled my shirt off, throwing it to the side. Before I could unbuckle my belt, I stopped to look at Gerard, who already looks stunned seeing me topless, his jaw hanging and eyes wide. It’s definitely in his eyes. He is so checking me out right now, and it’s clear as fucking day. I can only imagine how he’ll be when I undress further. I must say, I am pretty nervous right now, taking my clothes off in front of Gerard. I shut my eyes and breathed out, unbuckling my belt and pulling down my pants, kicking them off and peeling off my socks. Then, as quickly as possible, I pulled off my boxers, throwing it aside with the rest of my clothes. I glanced back at Gerard again; his eyes are still locked on to my now naked body, but this time his eyes are even wider, his mouth still ajar.
“F-frankie…” he stuttered. “Oh my god…,” he turned away and covered his mouth with his hand, his face turning a flushed red.
“You alright?” I asked, wondering to myself if this even is a good idea. We’re both so hot and bothered right now, seeing each other naked for the first time, but knowing how Gerard can be sometimes, I don’t know if we’re even ready to-
“Frankie,” Gerard smirked. “Get your little ass in here...right now,”
Feeling my heart race and my cheeks blush, I smiled as I made my way into the bathtub, stepping inside. Gerard scooched back and prompted me to sit in front of him, his legs spreaded out. I sat down and leaned back into Gerard’s chest, the water feeling tepid compared to the warmth of his body up against mine. He wrapped his arms around me, his hands caressing my sides. I turned my head around to face him, seeing his alluring hazel eyes gazing at me in awe, not shy of that familiar light behind them, his smile tender and so inviting.
“Gerard...you’re so warm,” I rested my head against his chest, before he suddenly took it and lifted it up to face him.
“Oh, yeah?” he grinned. “Well, you’re so beautiful, Frankie. You know that, right?”
“So are you, Gerard. You’re-”
Gerard cut me off, locking his lips right on to mine. Catching me off guard, I shut my eyes and graciously returned the favor, my lips kissing his smoothly, feeling a rush of adrenaline run through my whole body. Our lips kissed again and again, our mouths growing wider, letting each other in more and more. I ran my fingers through Gerard’s damp black hair, my hand becoming entangled in it as I clutched onto his locks and lightly pulled at them. As I did, Gerard’s teeth bit down on my lower lip lightly, tugging at it.
Oh, my god...oh, my fucking god, Gerard…
The blood and adrenaline running through my veins rushed even faster, making me hard, the chills running down my spine growing stronger. I moaned, tugging at Gerard’s hair harder as our kissing deepened, growing faster and more ferocious. Our lips parted briefly, our eyes locked. I shifted my body over Gerard’s, getting up on my knees so I was towering over him, despite the fact that I’m much shorter standing right next to him. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, holding him tightly as I continued to look into his eyes. He gazed right back up at me, the same adoring smile on his face, his fingers caressing and dancing over my sides, making them tingle.
“Holy fuck, Frankie…” he moaned, shaking his head. “Goddamn...you are fucking incredible!”
“Oh, come on now,” I scoffed, my face closing in on his, our heads touching. “That’s barely touching the tip of the iceberg,”
“Oh, is it now?” Gerard laughed, his hands squeezing my sides. “We’ll see about that,” He closed the gap separating our lips, and we continued to kiss each other’s lips furiously. I can hear Gerard’s breaths grow heavy, as well as my own. His tongue lodged into my mouth, his hands continuing to run up and down my sides, until they suddenly ran up my back, his fingers clawing into my skin and running back down slowly, then up, and down again. I winced, trying to ignore the sharp pain of Gerard’s fingernails digging into me. It actually feels so good. I don’t mind him playing a little rough. But I think it’s about time I up my game a little bit. I am the one on top, after all.
I made my way down to the side of Gerard’s neck, kissing it softly again and again. He arched his head back, his agape mouth releasing a smooth moan.
“Ohhh...oh, fuck,” he uttered, his hands continuing to claw at my back. I continued to kiss and suck at the skin of his neck until my teeth went in and took a nice, rough bite at it.
“Ahhhh,” he gasped, his eyes wide, then shut tight. His hands fell down to his sides, his whole body still in an erotic ecstasy. “Ohhh...ohh, Frankie…”
“You liked that a lot, didn’t you?” I sat up, my hand stroking the side of Gerard’s face, seeing him so aroused and relaxed.
“No...I fucking loved it, Frankie,” he grinned. “That was...amazing,”
“It sure was, Gee. You ready to get out now?”
“Yeah. I dunno about you, but that wore me out,”
We both got outta the tub, drying our bodies off with bath towels. We tiptoed our way back downstairs, hoping to god we didn’t wake anyone up. I can’t even begin how awkward it would feel if that happened, having someone walking in on us while we were...well, doing our thing. After getting changed into pajamas, we climbed back into Gerard’s bed, getting under the covers, our bodies immediately latching on to each other. We wrapped our arms around each other’s bodies, our gazes locked and faces only separated inches away.
“Frankie,” Gerard smiled. “I feel so much better. The storm’s gone,”
“It is?” I perked up my head and looked out the small window, seeing that Gerard is right. There are no more raindrops tapping on the glass, as well as no wind or thunder, much to both of our delight. “Oh, thank god,”
“I know, right? It’s like I almost forgot about it. That bath really did help me,”
“I told ya so!” I exclaimed, giving myself a mental pat on the back knowing that my plan worked out well after all. “I knew it would help you calm down,”
“I didn’t think it would, really. I was just so scared, you know? Every time I’d hear the thunder, it would keep reminding me of certain things. Turns out I was wrong. That bath helped me take stuff off my mind. Thank you, Frankie,” Gerard reached out for me and grabbed me into a hug. “Thank you so much,”
“You’re welcome, Gee,” I accepted his embrace, unable to wipe away the growing smile on my face. We held on to each other for what seemed like ages rather than just seconds. When we separated, I couldn’t help but notice the drastic change of expression on his face, like something’s on his mind.
“Gerard? You alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just that…” his voice trailed off.
“Just what?”
“I think I should tell you why the thunder frightens me so much, Frankie,”
“Really?” I asked, playing dumb. I don’t think him telling me the origin of his fear of storms and thunder is really necessary at this point. I kinda already know that now, I’m almost positive. It reminds him of bad memories in the mental institution, likely getting treated like less than a patient there, and more like disposable trash. The thunder serves as a trigger for those foul memories in a way, pretty much. But, then again, what do I know?
“It's necessary if I tell you, Frankie,” Gerard sighed, an annoyed groan exiting from his throat. “I feel so embarrassed freaking out on you like that. All these flashbacks I've been having are driving me fucking crazy,”
“No, it's fine, Gerard,”
“What's fine?” Gerard eyed me skeptically. “The fact I keep having flashbacks?*
“No, but…” I stopped myself. That came out wrong. “Well, I’m not saying it's fine you're having flashbacks. You need help so you don’t have them anymore. It's just that you don't have to tell me anything about them. I already know,”
“You do?” The bewildered look on his face intensified, his brows raised. “How?”
“Because, when you were in the tub freaking out over the storm you kept going on about not wanting to get shock treatment. You kept begging to not shocked, that’d you'd be good for the nurses. You were having flashbacks from when you were in the mental hospital. You were shaking and crying and pleading and I just had to get you to snap out of it,”
Gerard looked absolutely floored, his mouth wide open. He knows that I now know. I told him everything. He shut his eyes and sighed, completely speechless. He must feel so exposed.
“You're right,” he said flatly, looking defeated. “That's exactly what it is. You do know,”
“I'm sorry,” I looked down, feeling kinda guilty for coming off as so confrontational, even though that wasn't my intention at all.
“For what? You've got nothing to be sorry for. I woulda been sitting here wasting my time telling you everything, had you not spoke up,” Gerard frowned, his gaze withdrawn and sullen. “I really don’t like going into detail anyway, knowing how I was treated there, which was pretty much part of the reason why I had to escape there. Even after all these years of being outta that shithole, it still isn't easy having to look back at such a dark time,”
“Oh,” I uttered. That's all I can say right now, honestly. “Well...I'm sorry you went through all that there. I can only imagine how bad it must've been there, knowing the kind of place where they kept me,”
“Frankie, I don't wanna have a little competition on who's had it worse, but...you never ever wanna go to a mental institution for the criminally insane. It's a very, very foul place to be in. Being homeless wasn't even that bad compared to it. For the longest time I thought I was gonna die there, locked up in that godforsaken place,”
“Well, you're not there anymore. You're free,” I smiled awkwardly in a vain attempt to brighten the mood. “You're here now, with us,”
“I know, Frankie. I escaped that torture chamber of a place, and now I'm here,” Gerard returned the smile. “I'm here with you,”
“Hey, Gee,” I said suddenly, thinking of something that I’ve been eager to know. “Speaking of escaping, how'd you manage to get outta that place?”
“Well,” Gerard chuckled dryly. “Let's just say it took a shitload of disguising, bribing, crawling through air vents, and running for my fucking life, to make a long story short. How's that?”
Seems legitimate, I guess.
“Oh, alright,” I nodded. “I see,”
“It's kinda funny how many times I tried getting outta there. I tried so many different things until I finally succeeded, and some of those ways were not so clever. I remember the very first time I tried escaping, I jumped through a window on the second floor, but all my dumb ass achieved doing that was breaking my foot, and getting thrown in solitary confinement for a long time,”
“Really? Jesus…” I felt my skin crawl, just thinking what it would feel like to be locked up in a white padded cell, all alone with nothing but your mind, bored to tears with cameras watching your every move. I was lucky enough to not ever be sent there in the psych ward surprisingly, despite how stubborn and defiant I must've been to all the aides and nurses.
“Anyway, Frankie. Enough of this cuckoo’s nest willy-nilly. It’s giving me a headache,” Gerard shifted in bed, curling up closer to me. “I'm getting sleepy,”
“Me too,” I smiled, seeing Gerard cling on to me, like always. I wrapped my arm around him, his head resting on my chest. “Sleep well, Gee,”
“Oh, I sure as shit will,” Gerard brought his head up, seduction just radiating from his gleaming eyes. “Especially after earlier in the bathtub, if you know what I mean. You have no idea how fucking amazing that felt,”
“Oh, I think I do, Gee,” I smirked back at him, trying to not let myself get too hypnotized by his familiar and mesmerizing gaze.
“Oh, really?” Gerard sat up, his body pinning me to the bed, like how I was with him earlier in the midst of his psychological crisis. “How's this then, sugar?”
And, at that moment, was when Gerard went to town on my lips...or my whole body, I should say, feeling his hands lift up my shirt and claw at my skin...and, of course, I love the way it feels, even the way it hurts.

Notes