The Light Behind His Eyes (Frerard)

I still can’t believe what...or rather, who is standing right in front of me outside. I just see him, and it hits me like a freight train, over and over again. Gerard isn’t actually hiding in his basement anymore this time. He’s not even upstairs in the living room. He’s outside. Fucking outside! I was almost starting to believe that he would never step outside, but then again, one day he’d have to; that is, if he ever really wanted to carry out his plan to assassinate the two people...or, should I say, monsters that murdered his parents right in front of him and Mikey. And now, here he is, smoking a cigarette, still holding the same apologetic look on his face. I have no words for this right now. I still almost never thought I’d live to see a day like this. Gerard finally overcame his paranoia of the outside world...at least, he’s starting to.
“Gerard…” I said again, still barely able to fully comprehend what’s taking place in front of my eyes. “Why are you outside?”
“What?” Gerard pouted sarcastically. “I can’t smoke a cigarette out here?”
“N-no, you can, but...Gerard...you’re outside!”
“Yeah, I am, and the sky’s blue, and bears shit in the woods. What else you wanna tell me, Captain Obvious?”
Wow. I think Gerard has developed a sassy attitude since he finally decided to step outside for the first time in years. I think I should start calling him Sassy McSass-Sass instead of Gee. It seems more fitting.
“Gerard,” I sighed, walking up to him. “I’m so sorry about last night. I had this really, really bizarre dream, and I-”
“Frankie, don’t be sorry,” Gerard smiled, despite the discontent clear in his eyes. “You’re right. I am a...a f-freak, and you know what? That’s okay,”
“But you’re not a freak!” I refuted. “Gerard, I’m sorry I called you that. It was my mistake,”
“No, I am. I am a freak, Frankie, and I embrace it. I am fucked up. And you know what? It’s okay. It’s okay to be fucked up…”
I think Gerard finally realized the weight of what he just said. He looked down at his cigarette, all the joy and pride he previously had instantly vanishing along with the smile on his face. In fact, he looked like he doesn’t really wanna be out here. He’d been trying to play it cool all along, but that now has faltered. He’s really scared of being out here.
“Gerard?” I said, putting a hand on his now trembling shoulder. “You alright?”
“F-frankie...,” Gerard interrupted, his voice shaky. “I wanna be that fucked up freak that makes you proud. I wanna be the fucked up freak that doesn’t hide anymore! I wanna be that fucked up freak that’s not scared of anything anymore! I did this for you!”
“What?” I furrowed my brow, clearly confused. “You did what for me?”
“This!” Gerard exclaimed, waving an exasperated hand out in front of him in the air. “I came out here for you, Frankie! Don’t you see? I’ve been waiting for you to come back to me. I want you to be happy for me!”
“Wait a minute…” I nearly gasped, only now realizing what Gerard meant, and feeling stupid for my own ignorance. “You...you waited out here for me?”
“Yes! Yes, I did Frankie! For you!” Gerard became more and more dramatic as he yelled, his arms stretched out and waving around him, his feet stomping on the floor, his voice rising as his body continued to shake. “I wanna be someone to you, Frankie. I don’t wanna be just some...freak that hides from the world around him! I don’t wanna be a freak that disappoints you! Don’t you understand that?”
I continued to swear at myself in my head for being so ignorant. Gerard selflessly put all his fears and anxieties aside and stepped further away from his comfort zone...all to impress me? He waited for me to come home to prove to me he wants to change for me. He did all this for me! It may not seem like much to some, but to him, it’s so much; too much for him...now I really feel pathetic.
“Gerard…” I shook my head, eyes wide. “You didn’t have to do this. I don’t want you to see you like this, all scared and-”
“I don’t care!” Gerard interrupted, eyes wide and frantic. “I don’t wanna be scared anymore. I just want you to be proud of me, that’s all! Aren’t you happy for me, Frankie? I don’t want you to think I’m a freak...I want to be a freak that you are happy for!”
I can’t take it anymore. I can’t bear to see Gerard so down and hard on himself. He’s not a freak. He’s my friend...no, more than that. He’s a friend I’m so fucking proud of!
“Oh, Gerard!” I let my hands drop my bags of groceries, the contents spilling out. I wrapped his tense body in my arms, feeling so close to tears. “I am proud of you, Gee!”
“You mean it?” Gerard asked, voice muffled as he held me. “You don’t think I’m just some cowardly, messed up...f-freak?” His voice seemed to constantly stumble over that dreaded five-lettered word. It’s a word that’s haunted him for too long.
“No, you’re not! I am happy for you, Gerard! You are so brave! I couldn’t be any more happier for you!” I let go of him, my hands on his shoulders as I looked him straight in the eye. “You didn’t do this for me, though. You did it for all of us. You did it for me. You did it for Mikey. You did it for Ray and Bob. But most of all...you did it for yourself!”
Gerard stood there silently, taking in my words of praise. A flattered smile slowly grew across his face, his pale cheeks turning pink. I nearly jumped when I suddenly noticed Mikey behind him, standing behind the screen door, who must’ve heard us, seeing the approving smile on his face.
“He’s right, you know,” he said. “You should be proud for yourself,” Gerard looked back and forth between him and me, his smile growing wider.
“Thank you, guys…” he said, cupping his hands over his lips, looking slightly embarrassed from blushing so much. “Thank you all...so much,”
“You’re welcome,” I said.
“Here, let me help,” Gerard muttered, glancing down at the mess I made on the floor.
“Alright,” I knelt down, joining Gerard and picking up the groceries. Mikey then stepped out and did the same, helping us out. He glanced over at me, giving me a brief smile. I smiled back at him, nodding my head. He’s thankfully not mad at me anymore. It’s clear he knows I didn’t mean to hurt Gerard. Maybe Ray told him while I was away, or he just realized he was being irrational when he saw what happened between me and his brother last night…
“Hey, I’m sorry,” Mikey whispered, kneeling down next to me.
“It’s alright,” I muttered, accepting his apology.
After finishing picking up the groceries, we all headed inside and put them in the kitchen. Gerard and Mikey offered to help me put them away, which I graciously accepted. I stood at the counter next to Gerard, unloading the bags. I took a quick glance at him. It looks like he hasn’t bathed since earlier this week, when he took a bath with his rubber froggy. He’s even still wearing the same clothes from that same day. He looked back at me, seeing the concerned look on my face. He must’ve read my mind right there, seeing my eyes observant of his appearance.
“I wanna take a bath,” Gerard said, frowning as he looked down at himself. “I must look like a mess to you, like always…”
“No, you’re not,” I pouted. “You look great. Don’t be so hard on yourself!”
“Liar,” Gerard muttered. “Come on, Frankie. It’s clear I need a bath. I look like hell,”
“Well,” I shrugged my shoulders. “I ain’t stopping you. You can take a bath, if you want,”
“Okay…” Gerard’s voice trailed off, looking away. He really looked like he wanted to say something, but was afraid to. I know something’s on his mind. Like I said before, I’m one to easily to pick up on things. I’m very observant. So much it’s kinda scary, sometimes…
“Hey,” I said, finishing up putting the food away. “What’s on your mind?”
“Huh?” Gerard’s head swung back at me, looking stunned. “Oh, nothing…”
“Liar,” I smirked. “You’re thinking of something. What’s up?”
“You alright, Gerard?” Mikey asked from across the kitchen, glancing at us.
“Yeah, I am...but…” Gerard muttered reluctantly, looking down at his feet, his gaze absent.
“But what?” I asked. “Come on, spit it out. It’s okay,”
“Frankie…I got a question,”
“What’s that?”
“Are you…umm…” Gerard bit his lip nervously. “Are you...busy tonight?”
“No, why?” I replied, kinda surprised.
“Because...umm, I was wondering if...well, if you and I could like...do something together, maybe? You and me?”
“Do something? Like what?”
“Like...like, go out somewhere?” Gerard shyly looked up and down, from me to his feet back and forth. “If that’s okay with you?”
My eyes widened. Am I hearing him right? Did Gerard just ask me to go out with him somewhere, somewhere outside? My god, he did!
“Yeah, of course,” I said, smiling. “We can, if you’re down with that. What do you have in mind?”
“Oh, I dunno…” Gerard said. “Anywhere’s fine, I think. Nothing too crowded though, y’know?”
“Sure, that’s alright, Gee. We can think of something along the way,” I glanced over at Mikey, who look just as stunned as I did.
“You sure you wanna do that?” he asked Gerard. “You think you can handle all that?”
“Yeah, I think so,” Gerard nodded. “Besides...it’s been too long. I wanna see what I’ve been missing out on...I think I’m getting a little stir crazy, you know? I wanna spend more time with Frankie. I wanna spend time with him outside of that fucking basement,” he glanced over at me as he said my name, having the same flustered and shy smile on his face.
“Alright, then,” Mikey replied. “That’s fine, as long as you’re comfortable,” he looked over to me, giving me a “is this a really good idea” kind of look. I shrugged my shoulders, hoping that it is after all. I can’t even begin to think how dreadful it would be if it wasn’t…
_ _ _
After taking a shower, I started to get myself ready for our little trip as I waited for Gerard, who’s once again clearly enjoying his bubble bath upstairs with his rubber frog friend, singing the same exact “frog dad” song he made up in his head. I decided to put the shower downstairs to better use, so we would end up wasting less time taking turns using the bathroom upstairs to get ready. I also chose to go casual today and wear a band t-shirt, black jeans, and a blue jean jacket (all of which are mine. I picked myself up some clothes after work recently, and it feels to refreshing to not be wearing someone else’s clothing, for once). I stood at the vanity mirror in the bathroom, fixing up my black styled hair.
“Hey, Frankie,” a sudden voice called out, making me jump. I looked over at Gerard, who’s now standing in the doorway, his body wrapped head to toe in bath towels, his eyes wide like a deer in the headlights. “You...showered already?”
Oh, fuck...I realized what Gerard said about the shower earlier! He said it didn’t work, which isn’t true, seeing how it’s still wet from me just being in it. He got caught in his own lie, and it was all unintentionally done by me!
“Yeah,” I muttered. “Yeah, I did...the shower works down here, actually…”
“Oh,” Gerard said flatly. “I see,” He glanced around the room awkwardly, as if thinking of a way to cover his ass. “I, uh...I didn’t know. Haven’t tested it in a while, y’know?”
“Oh, really? It worked fine when I used it. Must’ve forgot when you told me it didn’t work. It’s alright, though,”
“Oh, okay…”
We stood there awkwardly staring at each other, unsure what to do. I turned back to the mirror to finish up my hair, with Gerard’s eyes still on me.
“You look so good, Frankie,” Gerard said, smiling shyly yet again. “You know that, right?”
“Oh, thank you,” I smiled, once again blushing like a dork. “So do you,”
“Uh...not really,” Gerard chuckled. “I’m not even dressed yet!”
“Well, go get dressed then! You’re sure as hell not going out in just towels!”
“I know I’m not, Frankie. I’m just waiting for you to get your little butt outta there!” Gerard sang playfully. “Or are you just gonna stay in there until it’s finally summertime?”
“Just a few more minutes, Gee!” I laughed. After I was sure I was finished gussying myself up, I stepped out of the bathroom. I saw that while Gerard waited, he went into his room and got himself a bundle of clothes. What kinda caught my attention was the fact that they appear to look a little out of the ordinary of what I’ve seen him usually wear, which are sweats and pajamas. These clothes look a little more formal, actually. I guess Gerard decided to look nice today, not saying he never does though. I can only imagine how good he’ll look when I see him when he steps outta the bathroom. In fact, it’s starting to make me all hot and bothered just thinking about it.
While I waited for Gerard, I laid down on his couch, gazing over more of his artwork that adorns the walls, still oh so vibrant and breathtaking. I then suddenly remembered that painting I pointed out to him that he was working on; the one of the tree on the hill, painted in neutral shades of black, white, and gray. I looked over at it, seeing that Gerard has worked on it a little recently. I also remember it’s the painting we talked about when he called me beautiful. The painting itself is still beautiful too, but of course not as much as Gerard himself is. I missed him dearly all week, feeling empty without him. I never thought I’d ever grow so close to someone, let alone someone like Gerard. Just seeing him makes me happy, especially when he smiles and laughs. Despite not knowing him for that long, I’ve already developed so many feelings towards him, more than anyone else in my life that I could think of. Whenever I am blessed with his presence I just wanna scream and hold him and tell him how much he means to me, how much he makes me smile and feel wonderful. I treasure every moment we’ve spent together (at least, all the good ones), like the time we first met in this basement, and especially all the moments we’ve embraced each other, and even kissed. Maybe Ray was right when he said that we were meant to be together, that it’s the work of fate that united me and Gerard. I honestly hope he is right, because I’m now starting to realize how much feelings I’ve grown towards him, so much it makes my head spin. It’s just like I can’t help falling in love with him, almost…
“Hey, you still out there, Frankie?” Gerard called from the bathroom.
“Yeah,” I sat up. “You done in there?”
“I think so…” he muttered.
“Well, come on out then, Gee!” I exclaimed. “Let me see!”
“Alright. Just close your eyes, Frankie. I’ll tell you when to open them, okay?”
“Okay!” I shut my eyes, feeling my heart race. I can feel myself shaking a little, too. Right now I feel like a little hormonal fangirl that’s about to meet her favorite band. Yeah, that’s how excited I am. With my eyes tightly shut, I heard the creak of the bathroom door opening, followed by Gerard’s footsteps, then silence.
”Okay,” Gerard said reluctantly. “You can look,”
When I opened my eyes and got a good look at Gerard, I swear I felt close to fainting, because holy fuck...he looks so gorgeous! I cupped my hands over my wide-open mouth, completely swept off my feet. He's dressed in a black blazer and button-down dress shirt, with dress pants that are the same color, with a leather belt that has a silver bat buckle on it, the shirt topped off with a bright, crimson red silk tie. His long jet-black hair is neatly combed, contrasting against his pale skin and lively hazel eyes. I don't think I can even begin to describe how phenomenal he looks...he just looks so perfect (or, at least as close as it gets. No one is perfect, obviously).
”Oh my god…” I said, my hands still covering my mouth. “Gerard, you’re…you look so gorgeous!”
”Really, Frankie?” Gerard grinned nervously. “I don't look like I'm, you know...trying too hard, do I?”
“Of course not!” I sprung up from the couch, running up to the handsome devil standing in front of me...the handsome devil dubbed Gerard Way. “You look great! Like, seriously...holy shit, you look amazing!”
”Do you think I'm a little too dressed up?” Gerard looked down at himself, examining the attire he's wearing. “I could always tone it down a little…”
“No, don't! You look good just the way you are! I wouldn't change a thing,”
”You sure?”
”Yeah, sure as hell am sure, Gee!” I mimicked Gerard, looking over what I decided to wear for today. I probably look like a complete peasant standing next to Gerard. He looks so astonishing it's almost scrotum-tighteningly intimidating. “How about me? How do I look?”
”Frankie…” Gerard smiled, cupping my chin in his hand, bringing my head up to face him. “You look beautiful, as always,”
”R-really?” I stuttered, hypnotized by Gerard's alluring gaze, his smile leaving me nearly breathless. “You think so? I look good?”
”You always do, no matter what, Frankie,” Gerard whispered, leaving me a sweet little kiss on my nose, dabbing it with his finger. “Remember that, okay?”
”Thank you, Gee. I will,”
Gerard released his grip from my profusely blushing face, our eyes still locked on to each other. I can only imagine how the guys will react when they see Gerard like this. I'm eager to see the stunned looks on their faces; I can just envision it all in my head right now. It would blow their minds to see Gerard, the mysterious man in the basement, all dressed up and looking oh so fabulous.
”Hey, Gee,” I said. “Why don't we go back upstairs now?”
”What? Oh yeah, sure,” Gerard replied reluctantly, the discomfort and anxiety just radiating from himself, “Let's go,”
I took Gerard's hand in mine, smiling at him reassuringly as we headed up the stairs. As we did, I kept looking back at him to make sure he’s not on the verge of yet another episode, just like last time we did this together. We made it up to the top in seconds flat this time, much unlike how it was last night. As my free hand wrapped around the doorknob, I looked back at Gerard again, who froze dead in his tracks, that familiar discontent clearly in his eyes yet again.
“You okay?” I asked.
”Yeah, I am,” Gerard nodded. “Just...a little nervous, that's all,”
”C’mon, Gee. You'll be fine,” I playfully nudged at him, opening the door. “Go on. Give em’ hell, kid!”
”Will do, Frankie,” he smiled shyly. “Alright, let's go”
Together, we stepped through the basement door and down the hall in silence, then entered the living room, finding Ray, Bob, and Mikey lounging around, watching some movie on the television. Their attention to it soon became long-gone when they each looked up and saw Gerard. Their jaws nearly hit the ground. All of their reactions were absolutely priceless, honestly. It almost made me laugh, in fact. As I tried my best to stifle my snickering, Ray shot up from the sofa, his stunned eyes as big as tennis balls.
”Sweet mother of Christ on the hood of a Mercedes Benz!” He exclaimed, running over to Gerard, looking just about ready to get on his knees and kiss his feet. “Gerard...you look so fabulous!”
”Yeah, man!” Bob nodded in agreement, looking just as shocked as Ray, despite being all hazed out from his daily spells of smoking...well, you know what I mean, right? “Lookin’ good!”
I think it was Mikey's reaction that was the best. He just sat there on the couch, his mouth agape and eyes full of utter shock and maybe even disbelief. He looked as if he just saw a ghost or something. But he didn't. He's seeing his one and only mentally disturbed, shut-in older brother not only outside of his cave (or his basement), but also clad in formal attire that he probably never thought he'd ever see him in instead of dingy sweats, knowing how he is. A part of me tells me that Mikey probably never thought Gerard would change, let alone see him like this, looking like someone you'd see on the cover of a handsome male model magazine. I can hardly believe it myself, too.
“Gerard…” Mikey muttered, his mouth still hanging open. He took off his glasses and rubbed the lens with his shirt, then put them back on, the stunned look on his face still present. “Holy shit, man…” He stood up and walked towards his brother, joining Ray in admiring the dark and dashing man in front of them. “Gerard...you look…you look great!”
I could tell by the bothered and uncomfortable look on Gerard's face that he wasn't pleased by all this, being treated like a celebrity in the midst of a paparazzi. That's what it must feel like to him, despite that said paparazzi only consisting of a few people, sans the cameras and flashing lights, in some crummy small house in the outskirts of downtown NYC, and not at some exclusive club or bar for big-named hot-shots. His grip on my hand became tighter, his fingers nervously twindling. As we stood there awkwardly in the doorway, Ray, Mikey, and Bob all crowded around us, exchanging praises to Gerard, the previously mentioned paparazzi vibes growing more and more profound. In the midst of all this, Gerard suddenly held up his free hand stiffly, his face contorting to a mild look of annoyance.
”Everyone!” He exclaimed, the ruckus halting to a silence. “Everyone, back the fuck up! I am dead serious! I am not that pretty, okay? Just please, back up!”
Obeying Gerard’s commands, Ray, Bob and Mikey all stepped back, their faces all devastated by the amount of sass radiating from him. I stood there, my face all scrunched up from trying my hardest to not burst out into laughter. I know I shouldn't be laughing at Gerard's obvious social anxiety and discomfort, but now that I know how much of a sass-wagon he can be, I just can't help but laugh. It's also kinda cute how sassy he can be, too…
”We’re sorry, Gerard,” Ray said defensively. “We’re all just so happy for you, you know? Plus you just look so stunning!”
”Yeah,” I chimed in, patting Gerard on the back. “It's alright, Gee. No need to get all worked up over it,”
”I know, but…,” Gerard scoffed. “Do you guys really gotta make a big scene over it? No. You don’t. It freaks me out. I'm not good in big crowds… “ He turned to me, his face not an inch shy of looking completely anxious. “You know, Frankie? They freak me out, like...a lot,”
Seeing Gerard getting so overwhelmed kinda worries me how he’ll be when we leave the house, especially considering the fact we live just outside of downtown NYC, which makes me think of what exactly we’re gonna do today. It's good to see that Gerard wants to be able to see the outside world and get himself used to it, but I know that throwing him in an over-crowded area in the midst of the city will be terrifying for him. We need to start somewhere small, nothing too crazy. But just where, exactly?
“But Gerard,” Mikey sighed. “I hate to break it to you, but...that's what it's gonna be like when you guys go into town. New York City is a big place, after all…”
“What are you talking about?” Ray asked. He motioned to Gerard, waving a hand it him. “Is this why you're so dressed up, Gerard? You guys are going out somewhere?”
”Well, yes, actually…” I said before Gerard could answer, who became more and more uneasy the further the conversation ensued. “Gerard told me he wanted to go out somewhere with me, so we could like...you know, hang out. We all thought it would be a good idea for him to get outta the house for a bit. Besides, I have the night off,”
”Well, Frankie...you guys don't have to go right into town. There's a local park around here that’s really nice. It's called Juarez Park. The weather isn't that bad today, either...so there's that,” Ray smiled, looking to the rest of us for approval. “How's that sound?”
“That's a good idea!” Mikey exclaimed. “I've been through there before. It's a nice little place. Great walk, too. You guys can maybe go on a picnic or something there, y’know? It's usually not that crowded either. It's also fairly close to here, maybe fifteen minutes or so from here,”
That idea right there does sound good, definitely a good place to start. The weather today, surprisingly, isn't that bad either, maybe like somewhere in the 50’s, at least. A lot of the snow has melted too (though I know that won't last long, considering this is the east coast in the middle of wintertime). I myself am not good in big crowds either, so you know what? Juarez Park, it is. I just hope Gerard agrees.
”Well, Gerard,” I turned to him. “What do you think?” I can easily tell that Gerard is definitely deliberating it in his head. He stood there in silence, his eyes focused on the ground, glancing down at his black leather shoes. After what seemed like a painstakingly long time, he finally looked back up at me, smiling a little.
”I think I like it,” he said. “I like that idea a lot, actually,”
”Really, Gee?” My eyes widened. “You do?”
”Of course, Frankie,”
”Sweet!” Ray exclaimed, raising his arms up in victory. “I knew you'd like that idea, Gerard!”
”Yeah, man,” I agreed. “How about if I make us some lunch for when we get there? A picnic there sounds good, don't you think?”
”Sure, Frankie. I'll help you!” Gerard smiled, nearly jumping for joy. “It'll be fun!”
I don't think at that moment I could stop myself from smiling like a dork. That's because whenever Gerard smiles, I do too. He always makes me smile. Seeing him happy makes me happy, too. Always.

After preparing our lunch for the picnic at Juarez Park, Gerard and I gathered up our things for our day out. Mikey generously offered to drive us there, sparing me money to spend on a taxi. As Mikey went to the garage to warm his car up, me and Gerard continued to pack up the last of what we need for our trip. I glanced over at Gerard, who is crouched on the floor packing one of our bags. I could tell by how much he's shaking and how silent he's been that he's really nervous about this whole thing. Stepping outside on to the front porch was barely a baby step for him leaving his comfort zone.
“Gerard? You alright?” I asked, knowing that deep down he isn't.
”Y-yeah, I'm-I’m fine,” he muttered, biting his lip. “Why?”
”Because, you really don't look like it. You sure you're alright?”
”Yeah, I-I swear I am, Frankie...j-just a little nervous, that's all,”
I'm not buying it. Gerard saying he's “a little nervous” is a complete understatement. If anything, he looks pretty terrified, the way he's always biting his lip and shaking so much, constantly stumbling over his words.
”Hey guys, you ready?” Mikey’s voice emerged from the garage. “You can start packing up the car now, in the trunk,”
”Alright,” I called out. “We'll be out in a few,” I turned back to Gerard, helping him pick up our things to load up the car. “You ready?”
”Yeah,” he nodded, trying to hide the fear in his eyes that's clear as day, keeping his eyes focused on the ground. “Ready when you are, Frankie,”
”You sure you wanna do this?” I asked, barely able to see Gerard so distraught and nervous. “If you're really not ready yet, it's okay. We can always-”
”No!” Gerard's head shot up, his eyes wide and beaming at me. “I really wanna do this! I need to!”
”I know, but still-”
”No, no butts, Frankie! I need to do this! I need to get out of here! I'm sick of being scared. I don't wanna be scared anymore, Frankie!”
”I know, Gerard,” I nodded. “I don't want you to be scared anymore either,”
“Okay, then,” Gerard breathed out heavily, calming down a bit...but only a bit. He's still shaking so much. “Just do me one thing, please?”
”What's that?”
Gerard set down the bag in his hands and wrapped them both around my free hand, looking up at me with those scared, doe-like eyes that just pull at my heart strings.
”P-please stay by me, Frankie. Don't leave me...p-please?”
”Of course I won't leave,” I smiled. “I'll be right here with you,”
”Do you swear?”
”I swear, Gerard. I swear on my life I will,”
”Thank you,” Gerard whispered, smiling back at me tenderly. “Thank you so much,”
”You're welcome,” I glanced back at the small pile of bags, knowing we gotta hurry up; Mikey's waiting for us. “Come on, let's get the car loaded, okay?”
”Alright,” Gerard nodded, releasing one of his hands to reach for one of the bags, with his other hand still tightly gripped around mine. He never wants to let me go. I'll never do that to him either. He needs me to hold him. I'd hold him forever, til the end of days.
After we got all our things loaded in the back trunk of Mikey's car, Gerard and I got in the back seat, with Gerard's shaking and sweating hand still hanging on to mine. Mikey sat down in the front seat, looking back at us.
“Seatbelts, guys,” he prompted. I fastened mine, then turned to Gerard to do his, seeing him so anxious and barely able to calm himself down. He's still shaking and sweating and trying his hardest to not to have a full-out panic attack, so much he can't even fasten his own seatbelt.
”Here,” I said, buckling him up with my free hand. Gerard just looked at me, clearly embarrassed and full of guilt, seeing the sorrowful frown on his face.
“I'm-I’m sorry, Frankie,” he stuttered, his lower lip quivering, like the rest of his body. “I can't do anything. I can't-”
“Shh,” I cut him off, putting a finger to his lips. “It’s okay, Gee. You're gonna be fine,”
”Yeah, he's right,” Mikey added. “Seriously, it's gonna be alright. Just relax, okay?”
“O-okay…,” Gerard looked down. “Okay. Let's go,”
”Alright, off we go, then,” Mikey turned back and started up the car, the engine roaring to life, classic rock playing from the car radio. With the garage door open, he slowly began to drive out of it and on to the street, away from the house. Gerard glanced back at it through the window, which soon became nothing more than a tiny white dot when we got to the intersection leading out of the neighborhood. He then glanced around all over the place, his eyes focused on the scenery outside the window, staring in curiosity and awe as we passed by rows of trees and bushes surrounding a variety of quaint houses and buildings, the winter sky veiling over it all.
”Isn't it beautiful?” I asked. “It's been so long since you've seen the outdoors, huh?”
”Yeah, it has,” he nodded, his mouth agape in wonder. “It has been...it is beautiful, Frankie,”
”Just like you, Gerard,” I replied, squeezing his hand. He seemed to turn around and look at me, completely stunned by what I said, seeing his cheeks blush, his eyes slightly wide. He then smiled, wrapping his arms around my body, burying his face in my shoulder, his hand still holding onto mine. I, of course, accepted it, my free hand stroking his hair. The most beautiful human being I've ever seen is hugging me yet again, and it feels so great beyond words…
Our embrace came to a sudden halt when Gerard's head shot up, his face full of utter terror. He eyes darted all over the place, his body once again shaking uncontrollably. He then froze, gasping and backing into the corner of his seat, covering his mouth with his hand.
”Gerard? What's wrong?” I asked, reaching out to him, feeling my heart crumble. “Are you alright?”
”N-no” he whimpered, shaking his head violently, his breaths quick and frantic. “I-I’m scared. I can't be here. Th-they’re looking for me. They’ve come to get me. They're-”
I grabbed Gerard and took him back in my arms. I can't bear to see him like this. I don't want him to be scared. I need to hold him. I need to be there for him. I need to let him know he's safe. I can tell Mikey wants to intervene, seeing the deeply concerned look on his face. But he can't. He has to focus on the road.
”It’s okay, bro,” Mikey said, glancing back at us as we made it to a red light. “We’re all here. It's all gonna be okay. No need to be scared,”
”He's right, Gerard. No one’s out to get you, no one wants to hurt you. It's okay. You're safe,” I know I needed to say that, even though it's only half-true. People are out to get him. The police are looking for him. He's on the country’s shit list. But you know what? I'm not gonna let them take him away from me. I'm gonna protect him with my life. Someone's gotta be there for him, and that person is me. I don't care if he's a killer. He's a killer with a cause, and he won't rest until those two men are dead, and damn it, I'm gonna help him find them. I want Gerard to get what he wants. I want those two monsters to be dead, just like he does. I want him to be happy. I’ve said it before, and I'll say it again: I want him to be okay!
Gerard clung on to my body, as if it were his only lifeline. With his face buried in my neck, he breathed in and out heavily, trying his damndest to calm down. At that moment, I think the car radio was definitely in our favor. Elvis Presley’s “Can't Help Falling In Love” came on. It’s a song I hold close to me, because it's one of the first I learned to play on guitar when I was in high school. It's also song that I swear definitely describes how I feel towards Gerard, because I swear, for the life of me, I can't help falling in love with him, despite how broken he is.
“Shh, it's okay,” I whispered, rocking Gerard in my arms, soothing him from his cries. “It's okay, Gerard. Listen to the song,”

“Wise men say, only fools rush in.
But I can't help falling in love with you. Shall I stay? Would it be a sin, if I can't help falling in love with you.
Like a river flows, surely to the sea.
Darling, so it goes. Some things were meant to be.
Take my hand, take my whole life too.
For I can't help falling in love with you.”

Calmly, Gerard looked up at me with those doe-like, hazel eyes yet again. He smiled, his body no longer shaking.
”It's beautiful, Frankie…” he whispered. “It really is,”
”Again, just like you,” I smiled back, holding him. “You're beautiful, Gerard,”
_ _ _
Before we knew it, we arrived at Juarez Park. I managed to actually pass out for a few minutes on the way there, my arms still wrapped around Gerard. I opened my sleepy eyes, shaking him slightly, his head resting on my shoulder.
”Gerard,” I said. “Wake up. We’re here,”
Gerard’s head rose, his eyes sleepily glancing out the window, taking in the wonderful scenery outside his window, adorned with maple trees and surprisingly lush green grass.
”We are? That was fast,” Gerard grinned,shuffling around in his seat, unfastening his seatbelt. “I'm so excited!”
”You are?” I asked, not sure whether he's entirely honest about that, knowing how he was just moments ago, shaking and terrified, stricken with paranoia.
”Yeah, I am. It's really pretty out there!”
”It is,” Mikey added, nodding in agreement. “I'll help you guys unpack,”
We all got out of Mikey’s car, all three of us taking our things out of the trunk. As we all did, I kept my eyes focused on Gerard; he genuinely does seem excited, seeing the grin on his face and how giddy he is, nearly dancing around as he takes bags out of the car. I think it's kinda odd, knowing he was nowhere like that earlier. Maybe he's just lightened up a bit, believing what we’ve told him, that no one is out to get him. Or maybe he’s just so blown away by the great outdoors, finally outside of that damn basement in the house he's stayed in for so long. Who knows.
After unloading the car, we all stood there, unsure what to do next. Mikey turned to us, smiling a little.
”Well, that's everything, I think,” he said, motioning to our pile of bags. “What's a good time I should pick you guys up?”
”Well,” I glanced down at the time on my phone; it's a little past three right now. “How about at sunset, like past six? How's that?” I looked over to Gerard for his approval, who didn't at all seem to mind.
”Yeah, I think that's fine,” he nodded, picking up some of the bags. “Sunset’s good,”
”Alright then, cool beans. Sunset it is,” Mikey inched his way back to the front door of the car, taking me aside as he did, with Gerard away from us near the small pile of bags. I could tell by the uneasy look on Mikey's face that he’s hella worried for his brother being out in the public eye for the first time in so long.
”Frank,” he whispered, glancing over at Gerard. “If anything happens, like what just happened earlier in the car...please call me. I'll pick you guys up. I'll be right there,”
”Sure, will do,” I replied quietly. “I just hope he’ll be alright. He really scared me earlier,”
”I know, that's why I'm telling you that if he ever gets like that, God forbid he does, call me immediately. I don't want him to have another...you know, episode,”
”Oh, I know,” I shuddered at the thought. “He seems better than he was before...let's just hope it stays that way,”
”Yeah, I know…,” Mikey looked down, sighing remorsefully, as if something’s on his mind.
”Are you alright, man?” I asked.
”Yeah,” Mikey said flatly, clearly lying. “It’s just that...I can't bear to see my brother like this. It keeps slapping me in the face how...well, sick he is. This can't keep happening. It isn't right. It isn't safe, y’know what I mean?”
”I know. It's gonna take time before he gets better,”
”Well, obviously it is...it's just that…” Mikey’s voice trailed off, shaking his head. A distressed groan escaped from his throat. “I'm worried that when he gets like that, all paranoid and distressed…he’s gonna end up hurting someone, or himself. I know he would; I've seen it firsthand. If he ever gets violent and psychotic like the way he does...he needs to be put somewhere, some place where he's safe,”
”What?” I furrowed my brow. “What do you mean?”
”What do you mean ‘what do you mean’?” Mikey scoffed. “He’ll have to be put in a psychiatric center if he gets like that, where he can be looked after, where he can get professional help. A place where he can stay for a little while, until he's no longer deemed a threat to himself or others,”
Mikey does have a good point. There's no denying that Gerard is an unsafe person to be around; hell, he's unsafe even to himself! I got put in a place like what Mikey’s talking about once before, because obviously, I was a threat to myself. I tried to kill myself. Had I not been put in a psych ward, I would've likely died. But, as crazy and absurd as it may sound, I cannot even come close to picturing Gerard being hauled away by EMTs, being sent to a psych ward. He would definitely be terrified, so much it would be heartbreaking for me to see. He would be so confused, yelling and screaming and crying for me, probably thinking people were out to hurt him instead of help him. I can't bear to see someone so precious to me go through something like that. It's just too much for me to take. It would also mean that the authorities would find him, and have him locked away forever, unable to pursue his revenge on Cecil and Irvine. Furthermore, it would mean he'd be gone forever, all alone and institutionalized, away from me, the person that needs to hold him and be there for him. I can't let any of that happen. I can't let them take him away, no matter what. But right now, there's no time for me to argue with Mikey about it. Right now I wanna worry about spending time with Gerard, not stand here and fret over how mentally unstable and unpredictable he is.
“Alright,” I muttered. “I understand. I just hope we don't have to ever resort to that,”
”I hope so too, man. But anyway...have fun,” he smiled, opening the car door getting inside. “I'll pick you guys up after six,”
“Alright, see ya,” I waved. I watched as Mikey started up the car and drove away, leaving me with Gerard, who is, of course, clinging on to me. I turned back to him, nearly laughing seeing him struggle to hold all our things wearily under his arms. “Think ya got enough there, Gee?”
”Uhh...I think so,” Gerard smiled uneasily, his body overbeared by the amount of baggage he thought he could handle taking. His body faltered, nearly falling over as a couple bags feel to the ground.
”Here, let me help,” I laughed, lightening his load and taking some of the bags. “Don't make it so hard on yourself, okay?”
After taking some stuff, I began to walk down the path leading to the entrance of the park, with Gerard behind me.
”You ready?” I asked.
”Almost,” Gerard reached out for me, taking my hand in his. I don't think I'll ever be able to hide the blushing smile that’s starting to spread across my face. He just loves holding my hand so much. I don't mind at all how he's so clingy, so eager to always hold my hand. I'd let him hold it forever, and it wouldn't bother me one bit. “Now I'm ready, Frankie,”
”Alright, Gerard. Let's go, then,”
Together, with our hands in each other’s, we walked down the gravel path, into the depths of Juarez Park. As we did, I made a note to myself that Ray and Mikey were definitely right about this place; it definitely is a nice place, seeing all the lively plantation and hearing the birds chirping off in the distance. Apparently Gerard agrees, seeing the gleeful and awestruck look on his face, curiously gazing around all over the place. He's been locked away for so long, behind the walls of a mental hospital, as well as his own dark basement for so long, and now he's out here in the open world, embracing the beauty it has to offer here at this very park.
We soon settled to a rather secluded spot near a small pond, away from onlooking joggers and dog-walkers that exchanged us a vary of either pleasant, neutral, perplexed, or downright disgusted looks. I could give less than a shit if people wanna look at us so bitterly, thinking we’re just a couple of queers that can't keep their hands to themselves. I've gotten that same look too much throughout high school to even care anymore. I'm used to it at this point. I don't give a rat’s ass what others think of me. Gerard, on the other hand, looked rather hurt, even scared. I really hope none of these ignorant people are the cause of one of Gerard’s manic and paranoid episodes. The worst that can happen is if he has just one of those right here, and he's sent off to a psych ward, like Mikey said he would do if such a thing happened, God forbid.
”How's this?” I asked Gerard, motioning to our spot. “We can eat right by the pond, away from everyone. How's that sound?”
”Yeah,” Gerard nodded uneasily. “That's fine,”
>I took out a giant quilt we packed for us to sit on and laid it out as Gerard set down the bags in his hand. We then laid down on the blanket together, glancing out at the gleaming crystal green pond, the sun radiating its light down on it.
”Gerard,” I said, turning to him. “Don't let any of those assholes back there get to you. They're not worth it,”
”I-I know, Frankie…” Gerard shook his head. “I just…,”
”Just what?”
”Never mind,” Gerard brushed the matter off, glancing at the food in our picnic basket. “Let's eat. I'm kinda hungry,”
”Alright,” I replied, reaching over to the basket to unpack our lunches, which consists of turkey sandwiches, macaroni salad, mixed fruit, kettle-cooked barbecue chips, ginger ale, and Oreo cheesecake for dessert (and yes, just listing the food here is making me hungry). I don't think I've been so eager to eat in a long time; everything just looks so good!
As we ate our sandwiches, Gerard's eyes suddenly lit up. I looked to see what’s got him so excited; near the pond is a bunch of baby ducklings with their mother, quacking and cheeping and frolicking around.
”Duckies!” Gerard smiled from ear to ear, leaping to his feet as he tore bits of bread off his sandwich. He ran over to the ducklings, turning back to me and pointing to them, his gleeful hazel eyes wide and astonished by the birds. “Look, Frankie! Duckies!”
”Yeah, I know,” I chuckled, feeling myself nearly faint from seeing how precious and adorable it is to see Gerard so happy and carefree in a child-like manner, like how he is when he takes a bubble bath with his rubber frog.
”Aren't they so cute?” Gerard cooed, tossing the bits of bread to the ducklings “Duckduckduckduckduckduckduck!”
I didn't say anything. I just kept laughing, completely in awe of how joyous Gerard is. It's also kinda funny to see, knowing Gerard is a grown man dressed in rather dark and formal attire, and here he is, getting all excited over a bunch of baby ducks, much like a small child would. However, it’s also bittersweet, knowing that this is likely a part of the childhood Gerard never had growing up, all alone and hurting.
“C’mon, Frankie!” Gerard called out. “Come feed the duckies with me!”
`”Alright,” I said, sitting up and ripping off some bits of bread from my sandwich. I walked over to the ducklings with the bread in my hands, tossing them to the little yellow-feathered birds. As I did, I looked over to Gerard, who still appears to be enjoying himself. “You're definitely getting a kick outta this, aren't you?”
”Yeah, I am,” he nodded. “I’m really loving all of this. I’m so happy to be spending this time with you out here, you know?”
”Of course, Gee. Me too,”
After we gave the ducks the last of the bread bits, we both walked back to our quilt and continued to eat our lunch, watching the little ducklings scurry along the edge of the pond. I looked at my phone to check the time. It's quarter to four right now.
”Frankie,” Gerard said suddenly. “There's something I wanna ask you,”
”What's that?” I asked, reaching for a can of ginger ale, opening it.
”It's about what happened that night you had that bad dream...and you called me that name…,”
I sighed, dreading the thought of what I let myself do to Gerard on that very night. I still hate myself for calling him that name, despite not meaning to. I also cringed remembering the horrid dream I had that same night, seeing my own decapitated head wrapped in Gerard, that manic, wicked smile of the damned on his bloody face, all the bodies around him mangled from a slaughter done at his hands.
”What about it?” I asked.
”What was the nightmare about? I wanna know,”
Oh, God. Why did he have to ask that? I really don't wanna talk to him about it. I don't even wanna think of it. It's a horrid memory I just wanna forget, and of course, Gerard bringing it up doesn't help the matter at all. Why does he wanna talk about it, anyway?
”Why?”
”Because Frankie… I wanna know what made you so terrified. I wanna know what made you scream and cry and call me...a f-freak,” Gerard grimaced, his speech faltering over that word. He frowned at me woefully, looking lower than a dog. “You looked so scared, Frankie. It was so awful seeing you like that. It really hurt. I remember you kept yelling my name over and over. I just wanted to take you and hold you and chase away whatever was frightening you, y’know? What was it that was scaring you, Frankie?”
How would he react if I told him the truth? It was him that made me scream and cry. He murdered everyone in that dream, including me. I was terrified of him in that fucking dream. But am I really terrified of Gerard? Am I afraid of the same man I'm trying to fix? Am I afraid of the same person that I suddenly have so many deep feelings for? I know I shouldn't be, but…
”Tell me, Frankie,” Gerard's voice rose, his tone stern. “Tell me everything. I need to know what happened!”
”I…,” I can barely speak. I don't wanna tell him, but I have to. He's not gonna take silence for an answer. Maybe it's best if I do tell him, just so it's done with. “I dreamt that you killed everyone. You killed Mikey, Ray, and Bob...and me,”
Gerard reacted a little more dramatic than I thought he would, honestly. His eyes widened, his mouth hanging open, as if he just witnessed a brutal murder (which is ironic, considering he's done just that before).
”Oh my god, Frankie…” he gasped, both hands covering his mouth. “Are you serious? Is that why you kept yelling that there was blood everywhere?”
”Yeah,” I nodded, feeling sick to my stomach just talking about it. “That's why. You killed us all like you did to those kids that bullied you, in Monroeville Park. And the thing was...the whole dream took place there, too. You were lying near Mikey’s body, instead of William’s...and you were holding my head, instead of his…,”
Gerard sat there silently, frozen and mortified, looking as nauseous as I am. I don't think I'm hungry anymore, much unlike earlier. I didn't even finish my sandwich. A whole picnic was now just about put to waste, talking about the grotesque dream I had earlier this week.
”Oh my god…,” Gerard repeated, moving his hands away from his mouth, staring down at them, at the same hands that held tightly on to someone's severed head. “That's why you called me a...a fre-freak,”
”I didn't mean to call you that,” I said defensively. “Again, I'm really sorry I said that to you. I-,”
”No, Frankie,” Gerard shook his head, his cold gaze on me. “I’m sorry. I shoulda never brought it up. I would never do that to you. Ever! Remember that,”
”I know you wouldn't. It was just a bad dream, that's all. Just a really bad, really fucked up dream. It all just felt so real, it was...insane,” The more we sat here and talked about it, the more I felt like throwing up. I clutched my stomach, feeling it my insides do a flip-flop. “Can we stop now? I don't wanna talk about it now. I just-”
”Listen to me, Frankie,” Gerard clamped his shaking hands on my shoulders, that same hard glare intense and cold as ever, his face just inches from mine. “I swear I won't do anything like that to you. I will not let anything like that to you happen. I will protect you, Frankie, with my whole fucking life. I’ll never let anyone hurt you, including myself. I promise, Frankie. That's how it's going to be! I fucking promise! Do you understand?”
He swears to protect me? With his whole life? From what? It doesn't matter. I mean so much to him, just like he does to me. I made a promise to fix him. The person that’s supposed to fix him has to be safe, too. How can I fix him if I'm not, anyway? He has two people to get his sweet revenge on, and the only way he can do that is if I keep him safe, too. That's how it's going to be.
”Yes, Gerard,” I said. “I do. I won't let anyone hurt you, either. I'll keep you safe, too...I promise,”
The fire and brimstone glare in Gerard's eyes slowly vanished, dramatically changing to a warm smile. It's just so sudden and drastic that it's kinda unsettling honestly, but whatever. He needs to know that I swear to keep him outta harm's way, just like he swears to do for me.
”Thank you,” he whispered. “Thank you, Frankie,” he let go of my shoulders and glanced guiltily down at our forgotten food. “I'm really sorry I asked. I must've made you lose your appetite…”
”No, you didn’t,” I said, pretty sure to myself I'm lying. “It's fine,”
”It’s just that...I really don't wanna make it sound like I'm guilt-tripping you, but it really hurt when you called me a freak. I know you didn't mean to and all, it's just that I had to know why you did it. It's a name I honestly can't stand to be called, as cowardly of me as it sounds…,”
”Well, you're not a freak. You know that,” I took a sip from my ginger ale, gazing off at the pond again. “And whoever thinks so are all wrong,”
”Well, Frankie...I'm happy you don't think I'm one. It's just that I used to be called that by a lot of people...and hearing it just brings back bad memories,”
”Is that what bullies from school called you a lot? Is that why it hurts you so much? To be called that name and all?”
“Well, yeah...but others called me that too,”
”Like who?”
”Many people, Frankie,” Gerard sighed, rubbing his forehead. “I've been called that fucking name by some of my foster parents, by other kids in the foster homes, by some of my teachers, by some of the aides and patients when I was in the loony bin...and...the voices, too,”
“Oh, I'm sorry” I said, not surprised that the voices would call him such a thing. I hate those voices so much. They need to leave Gerard alone.
“They would especially call me that, over and over again...and it never stops. You keep telling yourself ‘oh, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me’, but that's just bullshit. Words do hurt, Frankie, especially when you're called the same thing so many times. It gets under your skin after a while, and it does hurt, after all,”
”I know what you mean,” I nodded, completely agreeing with Gerard, because goddamnit, it is true. “I got called a faggot a lot in school. I got called a lot of things, had rumors spread about me, all that shit. And you know what? It did hurt me. It made me feel shitty. It made me feel worthless. It made me…,”
I stopped, realizing what memories my mind chose to look back at. It chose to look back at sixteen year-old me, in high school, all alone with very few friends, depressed and self-loathing. I remember I couldn't go a single day at school without being made fun of and bullied, constantly tripped in the hallways and laughed at, called a faggot and a queer, amongst other things. I got called ugly, stupid, worthless, and so much more. No matter how bad it always got, I always told myself to just brush it off and move on...but I could only do that for so long. There was a time and place where maybe all the things I was called was true after all; I was obviously gay, therefore I believed I was all those homophobic slurs I was called by everyone. I convinced myself I was ugly, like what so many kids at school called me. I learned to hate my own reflection in the mirror, seeing the pale, scrawny, acne-faced kid glaring back at me, mocking me. I convinced myself I was stupid, too. I didn't do all that well in school, no matter how much I pushed myself, and despite all the tutoring I seeked out in a vain attempt to improve my grades. I also seemed to always fall for a lot of the bullies’ antics, constantly getting caught off guard and shoved into lockers, getting ridiculed for whenever I was forced to do a class presentation, making myself look like an idiot in front of everyone. I soon started to believe that I was worthless after all. I was no one special. I was just a hormonal teenage boy with a pathetically average GPA and no future; there was nothing I ever excelled in to make me look special, I had almost no social life, and I was the only child of two overly-conservative and sheltering parents. I soon started to believe that maybe life wasn't worth living anymore…
”Frankie?” Gerard said, making me jump a little. Goddamnit. I spaced off again. He grabbed my hand, taking it into his, his eyes full of concern and bitter heartbreak.“Are you okay?”
”Yeah,” I nodded. “I'm sorry,”
”Don't be,” he squeezed my hand, both of his tightly wrapped around mine. “You know all those bullies were wrong. They’re all blind fools for terrorizing someone so precious and beautiful...you know that, right?”
”Yeah,” I looked away from Gerard, my eyes focused on the floor. I felt the sting of tears come to my eyes, without warning. I don't know why, though. I honestly don't have an issue looking back at a younger me, for the most part, that is. I was an idiot for trying to do what I did to myself that one dreadful January afternoon. It was irrational. It was selfish. It was cowardly. Had I succeeded, I woulda never met the wonderful man in front of me holding my hand. He would still be all alone in that damn basement, with nothing but the voices in his head, taunting and deceiving him. There never woulda been someone out there trying to fix him...and that person is me.
”Frankie…” Gerard shook his head slowly, looking so hurt seeing me a tearful mess. He knows there's something inside me I haven't told him about. I can see it in his woeful eyes. He knows I tried to do something awful to myself. I think he has a way of reading me, the clever guy he is. There's no point in hiding it. It's futile. What's the point of hiding it anyway?
”...it-it all made me wanna kill myself,” I blurted out, feeling my voice falter. “I tried to kill myself, because I was so sick of it all. I was sick of the bullying and name-calling. I was sick of feeling alone and hopeless. I was sick of feeling ugly and dumb. I was sick of feeling trapped. I was sick and tired of everything. I went home after school one day and when my parents weren't home...I swallowed a bunch of pills,”
”Oh, Frankie…,” Gerard sat there with my hand still in his now trembling hands, still shaking his head. “But you didn’t die,”
”I know I did, and I'm happy I survived. I just remember passing out not long after I swallowed the pills, then waking up in an ambulance. I wasn't dead. I was being resuscitated. I was taken to the emergency room where they pumped my stomach,” I gagged at the memory of the medics forcing charcoal into me through a tube they put in my nose, making me throw up all the pills I swallowed. I'll never forget how awful it felt, retching and puking up so much, all of it feeling painfully endless, the foul taste in my mouth. “I swallowed a bunch of my mom’s sleeping pills. The doctors told me it was a miracle I survived. If my mom hadn't found me passed out on my bed in time...I woulda died,”
”Damn right it was a miracle, Frankie,” Gerard smiled a little, contrasting against the pure sadness in his eyes. “It's a blessing you lived. I wouldn't be right here with you out here, had you not made it through,”
“I know. I'm happy I lived too. That's not what I thought at first though. I was angry I didn't die. I didn't want anyone to save me. I hoped to die before they could save my soul, and because I felt that way...I was sent off to a psych ward. I stayed there for almost three weeks and I absolutely hated it. It made me wanna die even more. They treat you like a fucking child there, the way they talk to you and everything! It pissed me off so much! It drove me crazy!”
It's true. I swear I can feel myself shudder looking back at the time I was in the psych ward at St. Joseph Memorial Hospital. All the aides and nurses talked to me like I was a six year old, despite being sixteen. I had to be escorted to the bathroom all the fucking time in fear of me trying to harm myself or whatever. Hell, we couldn’t even watch anything on TV that was above the age group of young children; I don't think how much I can tell you how much I grew to despise Barney the Dinosaur staying at that hell hole. Even the news was too much for us to handle, apparently. Don't even get me started on how early we were expected to be in bed at night.
”I know how you feel, Frankie. I was locked up in a mental institution for four years. I definitely know how awful it is in a place like that. How did your parents react to it all?”
”Honestly, they didn't react much,” I shrugged, finishing up my ginger ale. “Sure, they were shocked. They did come to visit me a few times, but they weren't all that dramatic. I think they tried to act like that so they wouldn't upset me more, you know? They just kept telling me to do as the doctors said, to take my meds and all that crap, go to the group therapy sessions, and focus on getting better. They were like that, until I got discharged…”
”What? What do you mean?” Gerard's eyes widened. “Did they like, guilt-trip you for...you know, trying to...off yourself?”
”Yeah, they did. They kept telling me how much me being put in the hospital costed them, along with the meds I got prescribed and so on. They kept telling me how I shoulda prayed to God and all that other bullshit, how that coulda stopped me from trying to kill myself. They made me feel even worse about myself, because even after I got out, I still felt depressed. When they kicked me outta the house after they found out about me being gay, I so badly wanted to die, like jump off a bridge and drown in the lake, or get hit by a freight train and have my whole body splatter all over the place, anything to take my own life. Anything to not live anymore…”
”What made you change your mind?” Gerard asked. That is a good question; what did make me not wanna kill myself? I can't remember that much, thinking about it. Maybe I chickened out, fearing what the outcome would be if I failed again, like what happened the first time when I swallowed mom's sleeping pills. Maybe I realized that life is worth living, no matter how bad things get, because there's always something in it that makes it that way. If that's so, then that one thing is sitting right in front of me right now.
”I dunno, really,” I said. “I can't remember. Something did. I guess I just held out hope,”
”It’s good you did, Frankie. I'm happy you're still alive,”
”Yeah,” I smiled, seeing the one on Gerard's face, feeling the butterflies in my stomach once again. “I am, too, Gee. I'm happy I held out hope. I'm happy I decided to live...because later I got to meet you,”
The amount of flattery that’s in Gerard is astonishing and so heart-warming. The smile on his face grew wider, his cheeks as red as the crimson tie he's wearing. He grabbed me into his arms, his warmth consuming me whole as he held me softly. I breathed in the strong scent of cigarettes and cologne on him, his soft tousled black hair caressing my face delicately. We laid down together on the blanket, my body curled up against his, my head over his beating chest. I gazed up at the sky, the golden setting sun overlooking us.
”Listen to me, Frankie,” Gerard whispered, holding me tightly. “Nothing is worth taking your life over. Absolutely nothing. Everyone's got something to live for, including you and me. I’ve been suicidal before. I’ve tried to kill myself a few times. I wanted to give up. But you know what? Life is too precious to give up on. I found my will to keep me alive...and that is to get my revenge. I am not gonna rest peacefully until I get my sweet revenge. I swear,”
I felt myself die inside a little picturing Gerard trying to take his own life. It already hurts me so much to see him hurt himself. Nothing so beautiful should ever be harmed and put to waste like that.
”And you know what, Frankie?” Gerard looked down at me, his eyes hopeful. “You're gonna help me. You're gonna fix me, like you said you would, right?”
”Of course, Gee,” I replied, shutting my eyes, the light of the sun gazing down at us. “I will help you. I will fix you...I promise,”
_ _ _
Mikey came and picked us both up after six, just like he said he would. Feeling barely awake, knowing that I didn't get much sleep last night and that I had a long day at work today,I laid my head down on Gerard's shoulder, who kept me wrapped in his gentle arms, his head leaning down on mine. That's what the rest of our day consisted of. We cuddled with each other on the blanket, watching the early sunset above us. It was just so fucking glorious, cuddling with Gerard, spending time with him. I couldn't have asked for a better day, despite the bumps in the road we encountered throughout it.
”Someone's sleepy,” he sang, stroking my hair. “Did you have fun today?”
”Yeah, of course,” I said sleepily. “What about you?”
”Yeah, Gerard,” Mikey glanced back at us through the rearview mirror, not at all seeming to mind us holding each other so intimately (at least, I hope he doesn’t mind). “How was it?”
”It was great,” Gerard replied, clearly enthused by his first experience outside, his first in ages. “I had so much fun. Juarez Park is beautiful, it's so clean!”
Juarez Park? Beautiful, yes. Clean? Yeah...sure. It is, much unlike the armpit that is downtown New York City; the whole town may as well be a giant dumpster...like Gerard's basement-
”There's something I wanna do tomorrow, guys,” Gerard said suddenly, his voice slightly raised, as if he just came up with an idea.
”What's that?” I asked, bringing my head up.
”I wanna clean up my basement. It's a mess down there,”
Well, of course it is, Gerard! Tell me something I don't know, why don't you? Oh, you did, actually! You actually wanna clean up that pigsty down there! Holy crap, am I dreaming right now?
”Really?” Mikey asked, his brow furrowed. “Now you wanna actually clean up down there, after living here for God knows how long?”
”Yeah, I do, guys. I came out here and...everything is just so clean and lively and...gorgeous! It all made me realize how much of a pigsty my room really is, and I want that to change, you know?” Gerard turned over to me, seeking my approval, which I nodded in agreement to. “I really need to change, if I wanna be fixed, Frankie. That's how it's going to be!”

Notes