The Aftermath Of Death

'I don't wanna die alone...' Frank mumbled into Lindsey's hair as they lay snuggled close on the couch. It was a cold night for the time of year and Lindsey had decided she wanted to watch some old movie which was a bit too 90's for Franks liking. So instead of watching he just stared at the screen and let his mind drift aimlessly into a pit of thoughts. Lindsey turned her head slightly to look up at Frank. She lay with her head on his chest and smiled sadly up at him. 'I mean...' He started stroking her blonde hair slightly. 'He...' Her smile loosened slightly and her eyes grew concerned. 'I'm sorry, I shouldn't be thinking about him.' Frank groaned out and slumped his shoulders in embarrassment.

'No, no.' Lindsey shook her head sitting up properly and facing him. 'You were in love Frankie.' She cupped his cheek stroking it methodically. 'You can't blame yourself for thinking about him.'

'I just.' Frank moaned frustratedly as he couldn't seem to find the words to describe how he was really feeling. 'He died, you know, all alone in those woods.' He rolled his eyes at his own pathetic mind. He hated thinking about him. It made him crave the alcohol again. 'Cold and alone. I mean he had me. He'll always have me, but in that moment who knows what he was thinking and he died believing that he was alone. I don't want him to feel that. I don't want to die alone.' Lindsey and Frank were staring at each other intensely as he poured his heart out to her.

It had been a while since Frank had spoken about him. If been five weeks since Lindsey found him in the bathroom stall screaming. Everything seemed to fizzle into a normal life for Frank. The one he'd always craved with Gerard. He in no way had settled for Lindsey, he just knew that deep down inside he was lying to himself and her. They weren't in a relationship as such, Frank made it very clear at the beginning he was in no way fit or ready for that. But Lindsey was just being a comforting friend. But that didn't last long. Feelings got in the way and at that very moment they were considered a couple to onlookers and those close to them. Because that's what they emitted.

'You can't control your death.' Lindsey muttered truthfully as she snuggled into his chest and stared out the window frost starting to form over New York City. 'But you can control now, I mean what happens...the present.' She sighed closing her eyes as Frank stared down at her beautiful features.

'Can't control the past, can't control future. But I don't wanna control the present. I like the way things are just going.' Frank noticed Lindsey's breathing start to patter off into that of sleep. Before she could properly slip off into sleep he whispered quietly. 'There is so many things about my life I want to change. But right now is not one of them.' And like that he felt Lindsey's frame relax into his. He smiled down at her and quickly lay her head down onto a pillow and pulled himself off of the sofa without waking her.

It was 3am and Franks apartment was still and totally non moving. Which meant that his movements seemed to flow through the heavy air in slow motion and any sound he made ricocheted throughout the small flat, but still didn't seem to wake Lindsey from her restless slumber. Lindsey talked in her sleep, Frank had learned that throughout the last couple of weeks because they basically lived together. If they weren't watching movies and eating takeout at his they were baking brownies and having duvet days at her apartment. She was mumbling to herself incoherently, but happily. Frank made out a couple of words like his own name and 'ectoplasm'. He laughed wondering what she was dreaming of.

The room was swirling with little sounds as Frank leaned against his kitchen top staring into the darkness of his little apartment only lit up by the big windows that exposed New York City and it's secrets at 3am. The rush of traffic was now replaced by the dribble and drabble of whizzing cars and the occasional siren. The light of the city still flickered on and the street lights illuminated the barely moving pavements and the people who wandered them. Occasionally Frank would hear a scream or a blast of music or noise which made him jump and momentarily pulled from his daydream.

Frank couldn't sleep at the thought of what tomorrow was bringing to him. As Lindsey slept peacefully knowing that tomorrow everything was changing. Frank sat staring into a darkened abyss fearing that he wasn't ready for tomorrow or the day after that or anything that was in his future.

He sighed running his hands through his hair and cringed at the greasiness and how long it had gotten recently. He stumbled slightly to the bathroom of his small apartment and started to fill the bathtub with steaming water. He striped down to his boxers and stared at himself in the mirror and frowned. He'd never liked his body at all that's why he covered himself in tattoos as soon as it was legal because he didn't want to look at himself for the whole of his life and see something that made him sick to his stomach. He wanted to see art and beauty he wanted to see what Gee saw all those year ago. Because the way he looked at him was all he wanted.

'Frankie stop covering yourself up.' Gerard called while he chased Frank around his flat in New Jersey. Frank had a white towel wrapped around him and Gerard was trying to pull it off.

'Gee' Frank giggled as Gerard had cornered him in his bedroom. 'Don't please.' He laughed a little more gripping onto the towel as Gerard got closer and closer. 'You know I'm self conscious' he looked down at his feet feeling embarrassed.

'Oh, baby.' Gee cooed moving into Franks personal space and playing with a strand of wet hair. 'You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.' He twisted his delicate long fingers around the towel and pulled Frank closer so their bodies were pressed against each other. 'Your olive skin.' He said kissing down Franks neck making him shiver. 'Your collar bones' he sucked on the skin on Franks shoulder causing him to moan slightly. 'Your little nose' Gerard whispered kissing the top of his nose delicately. Smiling softly and looking him the eyes with such sincerity that Frank believed every word that came out of his mouth. 'Such beautiful big eyes.' He mumbled kissing his eyelids and around his temple. He stopped pressing his lips to his cheek and mumbling against his skin. 'So pretty. My little Frankie.' He began to pepper his cheek with little kisses. He grabbed a hold of his arms massaging them and whispering his his ear between kisses. 'Big strong arms' suddenly Gerard moved away and looked down at Frank who was a blushing mess at this point and Gerard had a hold of his towel. 'And you know what else?' Gerard said seductively. Frank gulped slightly shaking his head and grinning up at his boyfriend. 'You've got a really good...' Suddenly Gerard ripped the towel from frank's frame causing his to gasp and cover himself up. 'Ass' Gerard said disappointedly looking down at Frank who was standing there in his boxers. 'Really? Boxers? You just like to ruin all my fun eh?' Gerard giggled dropping the towel and moving forward and grabbing the waist band and pulling him close again.

'Well...I knew I wouldn't be able to out run you.' Frank giggled digging his face into Gerard's neck breathing in his scent and mumbling. Gerard smiled pulling Frank over to his bed and pushing him down.

'I think it's time we did something about that underwear Mr Iero.' Gerard giggled climbing on top of him and tickling him. Frank squirmed under him trying to get out of his grip but failing because he was laughing too much. Gerard smiled down at him with such love in his eyes he thought he was going to burst. 'Lets go out.' He said suddenly after ceasing the tickle fight he was obviously winning.

'Why?' Frank said curiously staring up at the man he loved the most in the entire world.

'I want to show you off. My beautiful boyfriend. Mine.' He said kissing franks neck. 'All mine' he kissed his cheek. 'My perfect Frankie.' He said kissing him finally on the lips. Frank stared into the mirror noticing everything he tried to forget.

The marks on his neck that were long gone but still marked his memory. The fresh scars on his wrists and the faded ones on his thighs. His hair looks disgusting as it sat greasy and long over his shoulders. He grabbed a pair of scissors from the medicine cabinet and began to cut away at the brown locks until the hair was above his ears. The choppy look suited him and he knew that this short messy haircut was better than his long locks. He smiled at his reflection trying to tell himself that everything was gonna be okay in just a look.

~~~~

Lindsey woke up to the smell of burnt toast and the sound of Frank swearing under his breath as he tried to prepare breakfast as quietly as he could. She grinned slightly pulling herself of her couch where she had obviously fallen asleep last night. Hearing a noise come from the living area he turned looking at her move through the room towards him smiling sleepy with bed hair and makeup all smudged.

'Your hair.' Was the first thing she said as she reached the kitchen areas pointing at his short hair; shorter than he'd ever had it before. 'I like it.' She smiled up at him widely. 'You okay Frank?' She mumbled sleepily when she didn't get a response form him. Settling on a stool in the kitchen and watching him carefully. He nodded anxiously moving around the room trying to find the jam. He was mumbling about just having it when Lindsey smiled sympathetically and pointed towards the little red pot which was behind him. He smiled thankfully scraping the jar and spreading the deep red jam on his now cold and burnt toast. 'Are you sure?' She reiterated once Frank had taken a bite out of his toast and grimaced at its taste.

'I'm okay just....' He drifted off slightly not being able to fully admit what he feels.

'Nervous?' He nodded solemnly at her staring down at the mess in front of him. She smiled grabbing the bit of toast and taking a reserved bite from it. She cringed slightly swallowing. 'Why don't we go out for breakfast?' She smiled standing up and going around to meet him. 'That little cafe on 88th.'

~~~~~~

It turns out that even June can be a cold month in New York. Somehow Frank had taken the bright sunlight streaming through the windows as an incentive to only wear jeans and a tshirt, luckily a long sleeved one, he shivered as he trailed behind a babbling Lindsey as she tried to take his mind off of his impending day. She was dragging him around the some what frozen city in her oversized jumper and shorts which now that Frank was thinking about it he was pretty sure that jumper was his. She was warm though he could tell by the slight perspiration on her forehead and the way she panted slightly as she talked non stop for the whole 20 minute walk. Frank took this as a sign to look at all the other people he passed on this cold day. Children in sun hats and busy business men with their ties undone slightly and sleeves rolled up and the old women across the street fanning herself with her morning paper.

Frank shook his head slightly noticing his own sweat rolling down his face and Lindsey's concerned look.

'You all right Frankie!' She smiled down at him bouncing slightly on the balls of her feet. They'd stopped in front of the little cafe which was littered by people getting their morning coffees and munching on perfectly cooked breads and meats. Frank felt sick. The smell. The picture painted in front of him.

'I'm great.' He muttered pulling her into the cafe and to the spot furthest away from the kitchen, but was unfortunately a table beside a small family of four. A mother chatting on her phone loudly and two children under five one screeching and the other rattling her their toy against the wooden table methodically. The father was reading his paper and totally unaware of his family's noise. But then the whole cafe seemed to not notice the loudness of the quartet; only Frank.

Before he could even register what was going on Lindsey had already ordered them some coffee and croissants. They were sitting opposite each other and Lindsey was pulling her hair out of her face and into a pony revealing her slightly damp face.

'It's hot today.' She muttered pulling Franks jumper off revealing his band shirt. He smiled at her and when she noticed she threw his jumper at him. 'Your clothes are comfy.' She argued at him while smiling. He grabbed the jumper and pulled it on getting some odd looks especially from Lindsey.

'I think I might be coming down with something.' He said settling into his seat feeling just as cold as before, but sweating more profoundly. She smiled nodding sympathetically.

'You know, I heard at work yesterday that there's this bug going around....' Lindsey kept talking but Frank could feel himself move in and out of the conversation. The screeching on the child went straight through him and swirled in his brain until he could feel the echo of the ever going scream bounce around his ears.

'But Carrie is always falling ill you see so nobody thought anything of it....' Frank looked at Lindsey who's mouth was moving but all her words seemed to pitter off and get lost before they could reach his ears. Frank was watching her mouth move up and down as she recalled some story he couldn't fathom. He began to not be able to hear anything, but his own heart beating erratically and his head thumping and the beads of sweat rolling down his face at an alarming rate. Suddenly the gush of the coffee machine brought him out of soundless state and he was brought back to the real world.

'I mean I never knew her mother had been having an affair! I told you about Margret right?' Lindsey said to Frank. He nodded and made a noise hoping it would be enough for her to think he was engaged at all. The methodically banging of the child's toy was making Frank feel claustrophobic and seeming to speed up to an unimaginable rate as the child banged the toy. All the noise seemed to be building up like a pressure in Frank's brain. The screeching child, the clattering of pottery and low monotone mumble of the mother on the mobile phone. The ring of the door every time a new customer walked in, the click of the keys of the student in the corner and banging of the child's toy. Lindsey's voice wavering up and down, the gasping coffee machine and shouting of orders in the kitchen.

All the noises building up in his mind. Until he couldn't take it anymore.

'I need to go!' Frank announced to Lindsey standing up abruptly stopping her story and knocking the waitress who had come to their table with coffee. He walked out as quickly as he could to avoid the stares of the packed cafe and the questions from Lindsey.

He left her in the near empty Cafe with the only sound being the door closing behind him.

Notes

Hi, I'm back! Wow it's been 2 months of studying for exams and becoming way too obsessed with criminal minds! How have you guys been? I've been stressed, but now I'm good! Warning of got major writers block after putting down the keyboard for so long so I won't be updating regularly for a least two weeks and then hopefully I'll get into the swing of things. Any way I hope you guys enjoy this and please tell me what you think!!!!!!!!

-C