When Will Anyone Notice?

I’m laying in my bunk, feeling like shit. I think I’ve got a stomach bug from something I ate. I am literally crippled over in pain, crying my eyes out and gripping onto the sheets for dear life. I guess it’s good I’ve got an excuse to cry as hard as I want to now because since Gerard and I have broken up, that’s all I’ve been wanting to do. I already feel so empty and broken, and this fucking stomach issue isn’t helping me at all. As cliche as this sounds, it feels like someone has taken a knife and twisted my insides all around. I have thought that a possibility to my stomach bug is that i’m so depressed that it’s affecting me physically too. Shit like that has happened to me before.
I wouldn’t say Gerard is doing any better either. He has been chain smoking like crazy and just doesn’t seem to give a shit about anything. He doesn’t have as much energy onstage and even gave up wearing the costume. Knowing him, that means something when he gives up on things related to the band. He is all about the aesthetic of everything, and having a costume and makeup is super important to him. Even when he was drunk all the time, he never gave up on the whole aesthetic of Revenge. It’s weird how everyone reacts to things differently.
Also, I would like to bring up how incredibly nice he has been to me all of a sudden. He tries to start conversations with me and is making sure i’m eating right and whatnot. It really makes me regret breaking up with him, but I know deep down that this is probably just an act. I think being in a relationship with someone really makes you show the others true colors and boy, I have seen some unique colors from Gerard.
Maybe since I showed him that I was serious about him not hurting me, he realized that what he did was really wrong and is trying to make up for it. Of course, that could just be my imagination trying to fool me for what I really want to happen. I just don’t understand why he can be so nice to me out of a relationship but when we are in one, we both hate each other. But as long as we are civil to each other in the meantime, that’s all that really matters.
Oh no, I have the feeling that I need to puke. I get up, running faster than I ever have before, into the bathroom. I kneel down in front of the toilet, and immediately start throwing up. It’s really only bile, seeing that I haven’t really been able to eat or drink anything except for water.
I feel a hand start to rub my back and a body sit down next to me. From the corner of my eye, I can tell that it’s Gerard. This is making memories come back from when I used to help Gerard when he was puking and fainting from all the alcohol and drugs. I would do the exact same thing, sit down next to him and rub his back. Basically just be there for him to show him that he wasn’t fighting all of his problems alone.
Once I finish, I turn myself in his direction. He picks me up, helping me to the sink so I can brush my teeth. I look in the mirror and see what a mess I am. My hair's a mess and greasy. I have big, dark bags under my eyes. I look like satan’s shit to some it up. After I finish brushing my teeth, he helps me back to my bunk.
“I’ll be right back.” Gerard says, running into the kitchen to get something.
He comes back with a water bottle and stomach medicine. Gerard takes a seat on the bed and pours the liquid medicine on a spoon. He aims the spoon near my mouth and I swallow it. Gee then proceeds to open the water and hand it to me. I take a few sips, handing it back to him afterwards.
“Do you want me to lay with you? Just incase you need anything…” Gerard suggests, his voice warming and his eyes are full of care.
I nod, gently laying down with him. We stay silent for a long time and I can’t help but feel sorry for the both of us. We have both gone through so many things individually and with each other, and it just really hurts now more than ever for some reason.
Suddenly, I just burst out in tears again. It’s not because of my stomach, but because I just feel hopeless. Gerard has ruined me and it feels like there is nothing I can do to fix it. Nothing is going to get better for me.
“Sweetie, what’s wrong? Is your tummy hurting still?” Gerard lifts up my chin so i’m looking at him.
“No. It’s that you keep hurting me. I’ve held in my feelings towards you for so long and I thought that once you found out, it would make me feel better. But then you tell me that you already knew yet you still made me go through it all by myself. I thought that once we were together we would be happy and you would give me the love that I crave from you, but the complete opposite happened. Instead, you just put me down mentally and physically. I just can’t take it anymore. I can’t take you being in my life. Stop fucking with my emotions!” I sob, stumbling over my words.
Gerard stays silent. I can tell he is thinking about what I just said- trying to take it all in. I hate that every time I want to say something, it always ends up with me being in tears and just really hurt. It really is true that if you hold in your emotions for a long time, one day you just snap. I have definitely gotten to that point.
Gerard and I both don’t have a lot of experiences with relationships and love. And to be completely honest, he was my first “real” boyfriend. I did date this one girl, Jamia, but she just helped me realize I was gay. We are still friends to this day though, so there are no hard feelings whatsoever. I’m not sure about Gerard though. He has never really talked about any past relationships. It’s not that surprising that we don’t have experience either. We weren’t the best looking people when we were teenagers and not to mention how introverted we were. When you live in a dangerous town or city though, you can’t really go out and do many things. So no one in Belleville were really fashion freaks or anything because we had no one to show off too- unless you were rich, but you wouldn’t be living there if you were. Not to mention we were in the pour part of Belleville.
So I do understand that it is hard for the both of us to have a relationship, especially since the other has pretty much no experience at all. But even with these circumstances, it still doesn’t make up for the things he has done and said to me. No amount of apologies or kind words and gifts will make up for it either. Yes, I might go back with him sooner or later, but I will still always have those memories at the back of my mind. And if he does one thing to hurt me on purpose, I will probably punch him and never talk to him again.
I know I feel very negative about myself and I don’t think the best things, but I do know that I deserve love. Everyone does. I deserve to have someone who is genuine, has empathy and just knows how to treat me well. I’ve always wanted that and I seem to fantasize over it, so I think I can do the same back. I have with Gerard when he was only my friend, so I think I can treat someone right. I tried treating Gerard right, but it’s hard when the other person doesn’t do the same back. I just don’t understand what gives him the right to treat me like a prince when we are just friends, but then treat me like a ragdoll when we are together.
“Can I tell you a story, Frankie?” Gerard asks, snapping me out of my thoughts.
“Sure.” I say just above a whisper.
“Well, in my life I’ve had lots of people come and go. If I meet someone I like, I get really clingy so they end up leaving me. That’s why I only have a handful of friends. It’s something I’ll always struggle with and I really do try to contain it. But then I realize that you like me more as a friend, and it makes me want you even more. I don’t know why. I’ve always had a lot of affection and respect towards you and when you confirmed that you really do like me, it kind of threw me off. I was always confused about my feelings towards you because I never really felt like the way you make me feel. But I realized that it’s love that I feel. I used to think love isn’t real and no one will ever love me and vice versa. I don’t know how to deal with love because it’s a very strong emotion and you can probably relate to thinking the same. I know i’m an inconsiderate ass and the way I treat you is so fucking wrong. But I just can’t seem to help it. I am scared you’ll leave me for someone else so it makes me feel like I need to be very controlling. You deserve someone else way better than me and I truly, from the bottom of my heart, am sorry for how I treat you.” He rambles on, but every word is important.
He seems really genuine. I know when Gerard is acting and right now I can tell he isn’t. He has admitted to the way he treated me and basically just said I really shouldn’t be with him. Abusive people don’t tell you someone else out there is better for you. They say no one else would want you. Maybe he has learned his lesson in this short period of time. But even still, I don’t want to risk anything. I don’t know for sure if this is actually genuine or not because he is an extremely good actor.
“I know sorry doesn’t make the emotional pain go away or the bruises on your waist disappear but I don’t really know what else to say…” He says after I don’t answer for a few minutes.
“I don’t know what to say either,” I whisper. “But I do know this… I think we need to take a break from each other. Just for a little while. We need to learn how to not fight when we disagree on things and for you not to be so jealous. I don’t want to be with anyone else but you and I don’t care how long it will take for us to be happy together. I’m in love with you, Gee.”
He smiles, nodding his head in approval. “I’ll wait for you.”

Notes

Hey guys. I hope you enjoyed! I don't have much to say lol whoops

Comment rate and subscribe pls!

^.^