When Will Anyone Notice?

It’s been a week-- A week, and I cannot think of a goddamn thing to write down. I know what I have to say but I just can’t seem to express it. I’ve sat all alone in the dark every sleepless night thinking of the real way I feel towards Gerard. I have thought of how much good has come out of our eight years of knowing each other, and how much bad has come out of it. And to be completely honest, there is way more bad than there is good.
I think the whole reason why I am, or was, so head over heals for him is because we have been through so much shit together. With his addictions, my mental problems, our relationship, the band… The list goes on. We have and continue to grow up with each other and experience things with one another every single day.
Sometimes people are just not meant to be together no matter how right it feels. Maybe that’s the case for us. Gerard and I get along better as best friends and we just might have to learn and accept that. I know for sure we will always be in each others lives, through the good and through the bad. And you know what, we are still soulmates. Soulmates don’t always end up with each other and it can really hurt, but it’s life. I can’t do anything about it.
I know he loves me, I just know it. But maybe not in the way I want it to be, or in the way I love him. Again, I cannot do anything about that either. I cannot tell someone to love me the way I want them to and I can’t do that if someone asks me to either.
Maybe Gerard doesn’t know how he actually feels towards me. There is a possibility that he does love me like I love him but he just doesn’t realize it yet. So thinking about it in this sense, the only option I am left with is breaking up with him. Maybe then he will come to terms and think about what he really wants out of us. This would be my way of telling him that we just can’t be together if he’s going to hurt me and put me down all the time. I understand being in a bad mood and taking it out on someone once in awhile, but everyday, over the most stupid things is just not acceptable.
What I have realized is he is my depression. All my depression has had something to do with him. I used to be an extremely happy teenager; of course a few problems but every teen goes through shit. And then I met Gerard, I slowly fell in love with him and that’s how it all started. I guess I grew up and realized how much life sucks so I got really angry and depressed. But I would always feel something in my heart whenever Gerard complimented me or stayed up with me all night when I used to cry over the most ridiculous things. He was the only person who ever took the time out of there life to make sure I was doing okay or if I was healthy and I guess I just fell in love really hard because of that.
I never thought my depression would get any worse but recently it feels like it has. At least back before Gerard and I started dating, I still got to be with the happy and cheery him. Now it’s like I can’t even say something or else I could get yelled at and possibly hit. I don’t want to live my life in fear. I will not allow my boyfriend, my friends, or even my family to make me feel like I have to live in fear.
I just don’t see the reason to get out of bed anymore. The only thing I look forward to is performing onstage and meeting fans, but now even that’s hard to do seeing as Gerard doesn’t let me fucking communicate. It’s like he just put a complete stop to all the things that bring me happiness. Don’t people in relationships want to see and make the other person happy?
Y’know, fuck it. I’m feeling confident right now and before I second guess myself, i’m breaking up with the bastard. And yeah, i’m still going to write him a letter, maybe song lyrics just to make him feel even worse. It might be two in the morning and he might be sleeping, but, I can’t let this continue any longer. It has been my goal for awhile now to make myself happy again and I will not give up. My mental health is what’s most important now, whether I have a significant other or not.
I go on my phone and look up meaningful song lyrics. This might be stupid but I’ve never been in a situation like this.
After I look through some songs, I finally find the perfect one. It’s short, simple, but has everything that needs to be expressed in it. I write the lyrics down in a notebook, ripping out the page and then get up and tiptoed over to me and Gerard’s bunk.
I take a deep breath, realizing that i’m actually about to break up with the only person I have wanted for years. It saddens me, but I know deep down that I am doing the right thing. I shake his shoulder lightly and he stirs around, his eyes fluttering open.
“Gerard, I gotta talk to you.” I whisper, making sure I don’t wake up anyone else.
He sits up, rubbing his eyes a little and murmurs sleepily “What?”
“Read this.” I hand the paper with the lyrics to him and turn on the little lamp on the side of the bed.
The paper reads:
“You’ll never know what it feels like till you’re there.
When love changes faces, appears from nowhere.
Where beautiful, lovely is ugly, alone.
You need me back bad, just can’t be on your own.
Love is not a battle, it’s a ticking time bomb.
Love is not a battle, it’s a ticking time bomb.
I’m gonna let you bleed for a little bit.
I’m gonna make you beg just for making me cry.
I’m gonna make you wish you never said goodbye.
Now your life is broken, revolves around love.
Not love of yourself but the love you have lost.
When sad desperation is lonely despair.
You don’t love yourself, you’ve got no love to share.
Love is not a battle, it’s a ticking time bomb.
Yeah, love is not a battle, it’s a ticking time bomb.
I’m gonna make you bleed for a little bit.
I’m gonna make you beg just for making me cry.
I’m gonna make you wish you never said good…
I’m gonna let you bleed for a little bit.
I’m gonna make you beg just for making me cry.
I’m gonna make you wish you never said goodbye.
If you’re gonna get me back you’re gonna have to ask nicer than that.
If you’re gonna get me back you’re gonna have to ask nicer than that.
Nicer than that!
Nicer than that!
Nicer than that!
Nicer than that!
I’m gonna let you bleed for a little bit.
I’m gonna make you beg just for making me cry.
I’m gonna make you wish you never said goodbye.”
He looks at me and then back at the paper with a very confused face. I guess this wasn’t clear enough!
“Frank what the hell are you doing waking me up at two in the morning, telling me to read these friggin lyrics? Did you take too much of one of your meds?” He asks, his voice weak from sleep. He doesn’t seem mad, just very confused.
“Gerard, we need to break up.” I say bluntly.
“...Why?” He asks, completely dumbfounded. I cannot believe this man sometimes.
“Because you hurt me everyday and think saying sorry makes up for it! You don’t care about my feelings or just me in general anymore. I love you so fucking much, Gee. I want this to work out so bad, but it just isn’t. I will not put up with your shit any longer. You make up these crazy fucking rules thinking you own me or some shit and I can’t take it anymore! Until you fucking get your act together, don’t even bother talking to me.” I get up and walk away but soon after hear his footstep running towards me.
He grabs me, turning me so i’m facing him and I can see the tears streaming down his face. He pulls me close to him and cries onto my shoulder. “No, Frankie! I’m sorry… Please don’t leave me. I love you more than words can say. You can’t just leave…. You can’t. We need each other! I’ll do anything to make you stay and be mine. I’ll tell everyone about us if you want. Just…. Don’t leave.” He sobs, holding me close. I stand there for a few minutes, thinking about everything and I know what I have to do.
If I give in, it’s just like he’s winning again. I need to make him know that i’m serious and as much as I want to be together, I need to give us a break. We are both going to be heartbroken and miserable, but it’s for the best. We both just need to get our fucking shit together.
“I’m sorry Gerard, but I have to leave.”

Notes

Hello again, guys! Btw this song is by The Used and It's friggin awesome so yeah you should look it up.
So yeah I might be an asshole to some people and a life saver for others... But lets face it, we all knew this would be coming, right?
What do you think? Did Frank make the right decision? Is Gerard putting on an act?
Comment, rate and subscribe! ^.^