Just Look At All That Pain

I manage to make it to the bus before I break again, collapsing to the floor in the back lounge before I break down in sobs again and the world fades from around me until warm hands grip my arms and I am pulled from the floor, my mind vaguely registering Mikey and Ray standing beside me before I am sandwiched between their chests, my face burying in Rays neck as I continue to cry, wishing I could pull it together and stop but I don't seem to have any control over myself. I cry for what feels like hours, Mikey and Ray just holding me and letting me get it out before I manage to get myself under control again and I take a seat on the couch, Ray sitting beside me while Mikey disappears before coming back a few seconds later with a bottle of water which I take gratefully, gulping down almost half the bottle before pulling it away from my lips again. "Sorry" I say softly and Mikey shakes his head as Ray wraps his arm around my shoulders and says "Are you alright?" I shrug my shoulders, staring down at the floor as I take a few deep breaths before I say "I think I just need to get out of here." "Frank I'm really sorry, I should have fought him harder about coming tonight" Mikey says and I shake my head as I say "Seriously Mikey it's not your fault."

We sit for another fifteen minutes before the rest of the band comes back onto the bus and I walk Mikey and Ray back outside, ignoring the concerned stares from the rest of my band and as we step back out into the parking lot I see a lot of security and no fans and I feel thankful to Ed for arranging that for me, feeling unable to face anyone right now. "So I guess I'll see you guys around" I tell them, Mikey and Ray sharing a glance before Mikey says "You have a hotel night tonight right?" I nod slowly and Ray nods along and says "Be ready for breakfast tomorrow at 9." "Guys I can't..." "Just the three of us, we know you're not leaving until 11." I nod, knowing they won't take no for an answer and deep down I feel a sliver of happiness at being able to see the guys without the drama and catch up properly.

After Ray and Mikey leave I go back onto the bus and all the guys are sitting in the front lounge, every pair of eyes focused on me and I put my hands up as I say "I can't talk about it right now." Ed opens his mouth to argue before thinking better of it and he closes it again, a small sigh of relief escaping me as he swallows before opening his mouth again to tell us all to grab what we want before we are taken to the hotel for the night.

When we make it to the hotel we all wait in the lobby while Ed checks us in before coming back with the room keys, splitting us up into pairs but when he reaches me he hands me a key and quietly says "I got you one on your own, thought you could use the space." "Thanks" I answer back as I take the key and follow the rest of the guys towards the elevators. When I get to my room I let myself in and dump my stuff on the bed, digging through my bag and grabbing my clean underwear and pyjamas before heading to the bathroom where I take a long hot shower, washing myself before slumping against the wall and letting myself cry again, wishing I could just bury all the hurt again but it's broken free and I can't seem to force it away.

By the time I drag myself out and dress again it's been an hour and a half since we checked in and I dump my bag on the floor, looking forward to climbing into bed and being dead to the world for a few hours but just as I pull the covers back a knock sounds at the door and I frown as I cross the room, preparing to tell whichever band mate is on the other side that I don't feel like hanging out but when I open the door I feel like I've been slapped in the face and punched in the stomach, Gerard standing in the doorway fidgeting with his hands like he does when he's nervous.

"No" I snap as I try to slam the door in his face but he reaches out and stops it, pushing it back open enough to force his way in and I raise my hands to shove him back out but he brings his hands up and grabs my wrists, stopping me from shoving him again and I violently pull my hands back away from him. "Don't touch me" I snap before adding "Get out." "Oh Frankie" Gerard coos at me as he steps towards me and slowly reaches his hand out, gently pushing my damp hair back off my forehead and I feel all the fight leave my body, my heart betraying me by speeding up at his touch and my eyes slip closed, my breath escaping me in one long drawn out exhale. Gerard's warm hand leaves my forehead a split second before I feel the warmth of his body come towards me and as I reopen my eyes his arms gently snake around me, one wrapping around my waist while the other slides up my back and gently tangles in the back of my hair, coaxing my head forward to rest against his shoulder. "Oh baby" he gently coos as his hand starts softly stroking the back of my head and I tense up and pull myself away from him. "No" I choke out and Gerard frowns as he tilts his head slightly to the side in confusion and I shake my head as I say "You can't do this to me, why are you here?"

Gerard drops his head as he mumbles out something I don't quite catch and I sigh in frustration as I snap "What?" Gerard raises his head, his eyes wide as he says "I miss you" a little louder than before. I stare at him in disbelief for a few seconds before I burst out into short, sharp bitter laughter. "You don't miss me. You don't fucking care so don't you dare stand there and pretend like you do. You chose Gerard, I gave you everything I had and then some and you still chose against me. You chose her after everything we had been through just to protect yourself, you chose to break up the band and leave us all with nothing. You chose Gerard, you chose to ruin Mikey and Ray's lives and worst of all you chose to break me in ways you knew could never be fixed and for what? So no one would know you were gay? So no one would know you were in love with me? You chose all this you fucking coward so don't you dare stand there right now and insult me by telling me you miss me. You don't miss me, you don't fucking care and I don't know that you ever did, maybe I was just that fucking delusional I couldn't see it was all a joke and...." "It was never a joke babe" Gerard interrupts and I shake my head, my hands clenching into fists as I snap "Don't you fucking dare. Don't you dare do this to me, after everything you've already done you can't do this to me."

I turn my back to Gerard, walking over to the window as I breathe slow and even, trying to calm myself down again, not wanting to cry in front of him and I rest my forehead against the cold glass panel as I close my eyes, just focusing on breathing deep and even and a few seconds later I feel Gerard's chest press against my back, his hands gently running down my arms until he reaches my hands hanging limply at my sides, his warm palms pressing against the backs of my hands as his fingers gently snake between mine before he slowly raises our hands up, pressing my palms to the window either side of my head as his mouth just barely skims down the side of my neck before making its way back up and when he reaches my ear he whispers "My beautiful baby." I clench my eyes even tighter shut, tears welling behind the lids as my will to fight against him fades and I feel my body go limp beneath his. Gerard gently nips at my ear lobe before he starts pressing soft, lingering open mouthed kisses down my neck and I can't help the soft whine that escapes me as I tilt my head slightly to the side, giving him more access as shivers run down my spine. Gerard keeps kissing down until he reaches the collar of my shirt before kissing his way back up, his kissing gaining more and more pressure as he goes until they border on sucking and I lean back against his chest, my head falling back to lay against his shoulder and Gerard releases one of my hands as he reaches up and gently cups my chin, tilting my head slightly to get a better angle as he leans in to kiss me, my eyes remaining closed as our lips meet.

Notes

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