Just Look At All That Pain

I step off the bus and inhale deeply, exhaling as I pull my sunglasses off the top of my head and down over my eyes. LA, I'm back here again. I take another deep breath before stepping away from the door, Evan following me out into the car park and as I turn to look at him I see the huge smile plastered across his face. "Excited for tonight dude?" He asks, bouncing a little on the balls of his feet and I shrug as I say "Yeah I guess." Evan frowns, clearly confused by my reply and I can understand why but the ball of nerves in my stomach makes it impossible to fake enthusiasm. Tonight we are playing LA, tonight I will see my ex band mates and brothers for the first time in over a year. Tonight I will see the man who broke me in ways I never imagined I could be broken before I met him.

The rest of the morning passes far too quickly for my liking, unloading of the equipment and merch seeming to take no time at all yet when I look at my watch it's only twenty minutes until I agreed to meet Mikey and his new fiancé at a restaurant a few blocks from the venue for lunch. I tell the guys I will be back, slowly making my way out of the car park and down the street and ten minutes later I see the sign for the restaurant, Mikey and his fiancé standing beneath it and I can't help the smile that breaks out on my face as my pace quickens as Mikey steps towards me and we wrap our arms around each other in a crushing hug. "Hey man, it's been so long" Mikey starts as he pulls away and I nod as I say "Yeah, way too long. You look good man, how have you been?" "Great, almost twelve months sober and..." "What? That's incredible Mikes" I tell him as I pull him back in for another hug and when we pull apart his fiancé is beaming at him, looking like a proud mother. "Hey nice to meet you" I say as I offer my hand and she shakes it, her smile never dropping as she says "It's nice to meet you, I've heard so many stories I feel like I know you already." "Oh man" I groan out as I glance over at Mikey and he chuckles as he says "All good I swear. Frank this is Kristin, my fiancé." I turn my gaze back to her as I say "Yeah I heard, congratulations guys." "Thank you" she says, reach out to take Mikey's hand and Mikey smiles at her before saying "Well, how about we go in?"

After we are seated at a table I glance around and notice there are four spare chairs at the table the waitress seated us at and as I open my mouth to ask why Mikey glances up and smiles over my shoulder and I turn to see what he's looking at as a familiar voice says "There he is." My head snaps the rest of the way around faster than I knew it could as my face breaks out into a huge smile at the sight of Ray but I feel my heart skip a beat as I see the last two people I want to see right now standing behind him. I feel the colour drain from my face as Ray steps towards me again and I force myself out of the chair to embrace him in a bone crushing hug, the smile returning to my face as we pull apart and I step over to hug Christa, Gerard stepping closer as we pull apart but I quickly turn and take my seat again, making it clear that there will be no happy reunion taking place between us.

After we all take our seats the waitress comes back over to see if we want drinks and after she leaves with our order, giving us time to look over the menus Mikey catches my eye and raises one eyebrow at me questioningly, clearly wondering why I gave Gerard and Lindsey such a cold reception but he should know better than anyone, having been the one to find and save me when I was overdosing on whatever I could find after the breakup. Lunch passes slightly awkwardly, old tour stories being told amongst laughter but mine dies too quickly and anyone paying attention can tell I'm just not into it. "So Frank, how's tour going?" Gerard asks and I glance over at him, his eyes clearly pleading with me and I glance around at everyone else before focusing back on my plate as I say "It's fine, this stint is almost over so I'll be glad to go home again."

The rest of lunch passes in what feels like hours, Lindsey and Gerard whispering to each other occasionally but finally I glance at my watch and see I need to be back for sound check and we all throw in money to pay the bill before leaving and once we're on the street I say goodbye and head back to the venue, knowing I will see the guys again very soon. Sound check passes uneventfully and I escape back to the bus, laying in my bunk with my eyes closed as I replay lunch in my head, cursing myself for allowing it to cross my mind, every touch and look that took place between Gerard and Lindsey while I pretended not to notice burned into my memory and I groan as I bring my hands up and press the heel of my palms into my eyes, trying to erase the vision I'm being tortured with.

I manage to fall asleep only to be woken by Ed an hour later, him gently shaking me and telling me we're on in an hour and a half and that my friends are in the dressing room waiting for me. I groan as I drag myself out of the bunk, grabbing my stage clothes and changing as Ed leaves to go back into the venue before following him and as I walk down the hallway towards our dressing room my stomach curls into an uncomfortable knot. I stop just outside the door and take a deep breath, trying to calm myself before I reach out and push the door open, stepping in and I immediately glance around and breathe out a sigh of relief as I see neither Gerard or Lindsey are in the room. I take a spare seat beside Mikey, joining in on the group chatter taking place and twenty minutes before we are going on I stand and leave the room, going to the restroom just down the hallway, pre show nerves always making me have to pee. I take my time, washing my hands and staring at myself in the mirror above the basin and just as I turn to dry my hands the door opens and I turn my head to see my nightmare enter the room. We stare at each other in silence for a few long seconds before I bite down on my quivering bottom lip, the heartache feeling fresh all over again and I take a few steps across the room, brushing past him on my way to the door but as I reach out for the door handle his warm soft fingers wrap around my other wrist. "Frank" he breathes out softly and I can't choke back the low whine that escapes me as the first tear rolls down my cheek. "What? What do you want now?" I snap, my voice shaky as I turn my head to look back at him and his face drops into a mixture of hurt and guilt. "Frankie" he says softly and I yank my wrist out of his hold as I shake my head, sniffling back more tears as I open the door and step back into the hallway.

I make it three steps away from the door before it opens again and I quicken my pace before an arm snakes around my waist and I'm pulled back against a solid chest. "Don't walk away" he breathes into my ear and I pull myself out of his hold, turning to tell him to not touch me but before the first word can leave my mouth his lips are on mine, his hands cupping my face and his fingers gently tangling in my hair and for a split second all the fight leaves my body, my mind temporarily forgetting all the reasons why this is now a bad idea and just as my lips start to move against his I snap back to myself and I brace my hands against his chest and shove as hard as I can, Gerard's lips leaving mine as he stumbles back and falls to the floor. We both remain still for a few long seconds, Gerard staring into my eyes and as I see his mouth open again I turn and run the rest of the way back to the dressing room, letting myself in and I see Lindsey sitting beside Mikey where I was before.

I take a deep shaky breath as I cross the room to my bag, kneeling down with my back to everyone as I rummage through it for my anxiety meds, feeling on the edge of a breakdown and just as I find them a warm hand touches my back and I turn to see Mikey kneeling beside me. "Are you ok?" He whispers and I stare into his eyes, unable to speak and he sighs softly as pity crosses his face and he softly says "I'm sorry, he insisted on coming when he found out you were playing here and...." "It's not your fault" I tell him, cutting his apology off and we both push ourselves off the floor, Mikey taking his seat again as I cross the room to grab a bottle of water and as I swallow down my pills the door opens and Gerard walks in, his eyes immediately locking with mine before dropping down to the pill bottle in my hand and he frowns as he takes a step towards me before he seems to remember where he is and he falters in his step as Lindsey stands up and walks over to him, leaning in and whispering in his ear before she takes his hand and they leave the room again.

Five minutes later Ed comes into the room and tells us it's time to go side stage and we all make our way out to where we need to be, Evan, Rob and Matt staying with me while the rest of the guys go out to join the crowd for the show, taking Gerard and Lindsey with them and I feel like I can breathe again. Ten minutes later we make our way on stage, the roar of the crowd deafening and I fade into the background in my mind, acting on autopilot as we launch into the first song, thrashing around and getting into it, bantering with the crowd between songs and halfway through our set I allow myself to really glance around and take in the crowd and as I scan the balcony above I see the last thing I need in that moment, Gerard and Lindsey locked in a passionate looking kiss, her hands in his hair and his hands on her hips. I stand there stunned for a few seconds until I register that the guys have started playing the intro to the next song and I join in, singing half heartedly and I can't keep my eyes from wandering back up to where I know they are, Gerard looking down at me frowning and a few seconds later when I allow myself another glance I feel my stomach clench as I see Gerard with his head tilted back, his eyes closed as Lindsey sucks on his neck and I'm sure I can hear the breathy little groans I know he lets out when someone does that to him and I feel myself break all over again.

"FUCK YOU" I scream into the microphone, stopping mid song as I rip my guitar off and throw it to the floor, running off stage to the protest of the crowd and I make it three steps off stage before I collapse to the floor, my whole body shaking with my sobs as I bawl my eyes out and I slump down to curl into a ball on the dirty backstage floor, a few techs and Ed rushing over to help me and I choke out a low whine as I push myself back up again and I run down the hallway to the exit and out into the car park, needing to escape.

Notes

My attempt to come off hiatus and break through my writers block. I've recently gone through the ending of a relationship that was important to me so if my writing is a little bitter or sad I apologise. Hope you guys enjoy the story