But I Love You

Today is Saturday and since Gerard sleeps in on the weekend, I decided to get up early and make him his favorite breakfast. I’m not the best cook but I’ve seen Gerard make pancakes so many times that I think I can do it myself. I don’t know why i’m doing this; I guess it could just be like an apology to him for me being so harsh the past few days. I just felt the need to do something nice for him because he’s always doing nice things for me.
I start making coffee while the pancakes are finishing up cooking. While i’m doing all this I can’t help but feel really guilty about all the lies I’ve been telling. He deserves more than a liar, way more. I should just be open with him for now on. We seem to get along best when we are just open and honest with each other. I fucking hate the feeling of guilt.
I soon hear footsteps down the stairs while i’m putting the pancakes on a plate. “I smell coffee!” Gerard says excitedly.
I put the food on the kitchen table and see him standing there with a growing smile, realizing that I made him breakfast. Gerard comes over and gives me a big hug, picking me up off the ground and spinning me. “Jeez it’s just breakfast.” I say while giggling.
“I know but I wasn’t expecting it. Little things like this mean the world to me. Thank you Frankie!” He pecks little kisses all around my face while still holding me. We both laugh and he gives me one finale kiss on the lips. It seems like forever since we actually kissed. I look at him, quickly putting his lips to mine again, desperate for the feeling of him being close to me. Gerard pulls away after a few seconds, giving me a small smile.
“How about we eat, yeah?” He gestures to the food, setting me back on the ground. I nod and take a seat at the table. He’s just so cute and perfect. It makes me feel even worse about lying to him, especially about being high. It’s not even like I was extremely high, it was the fact that he asked me if I smoked and I said no when the answer was yes.
I watch him dig into his pancakes while I suddenly lose my appetite from the guiltiness. I hear him moan from how good it is, making me shiver at the sound. I wish I could hear that all the time. Maybe I just have to make pancakes more often.
He looks at me with a confused face. “Why aren’t you eating, sweetie?” He asks with a soft tone. The pet names make me feel even more guiltier. I look up at him and he just looks so beautiful with his hair all messy and his big hazel eyes and I can’t take the stress anymore.
“I was high.” I blurt out quickly. He stares at me for a moment then sets his fork down, laying his hand on top of mine. He rubs his thumb slowly on my hand, making me relax a little. I can tell he is really trying harder not to get upset like he used to and it makes me happy knowing that he realized it only made things worse.
“I know you were,” He says softly. “That’s not how you usually act and I knew you lied to me but I didn’t wanna push it. I’m not mad at you, just please don’t get into that kind of shit.”
I nod, sighing. “I’m sorry I lied. I feel so bad.”
“It’s okay, Frankie. At least you told me, right? I’ve never met a teen who hasn’t lied a few times in their life. I was expecting a lie or two from you.”
“What the hell do you mean by that?” I say in an offended tone.
Do I look like the type of person to lie a lot? I mean I definitely have been but it’s just to try to keep drama and shit like that out of my life. I don’t think I look like a person that lies a lot. I’ve said this before, I don’t like liars. I guess that means I don’t like a part of myself. What’s new, though?
“I don’t know. You just seem to keep a lot of things to yourself. Don’t get mad.” He shrugs and takes another bite of his pancakes.
I furrow my eyebrows, still confused by this. Yes, I do keep a lot of things to myself, but why would that make me a liar? He probably keeps a lot of things to himself too. What introverted person doesn’t keep things to themselves?
I roll my eyes, getting up and leaving the kitchen before I start an argument. He comes after me, pushing me up against the wall lightly. “Please don’t get upset. I’m sorry. I say some stupid shit sometimes. I don’t think you lie a lot, it was meant to be...I don’t know what it was meant to be but I don’t want to get into a fight over something so silly.” He looks at me with pleading eyes.
“It’s okay. I just took it the wrong way I guess.” I give him a quick kiss on the cheek just to make sure he believes me. I really do over react sometimes.
He suddenly smashes his lips onto mine, making me stumble a little bit. I kiss back, wrapping my arms around his neck and his arms go around my waist. We attack each others mouths, fighting to see who wins dominance. After a while I just give up, realizing he likes to be in control of things. That’s easier for me though because I never even lost my virginity so I wouldn’t don’t really know the first thing when it comes to shit like this.
And yes, it is very embarrassing that I haven’t lost my virginity yet. But I think saving it for someone you trust and love with all your heart is something so special and literally a once in a lifetime thing. Nowadays, shit like that doesn’t really happen anymore unless you're really religious. Christ, kids are having sex at the age of twelve. How the fuck does that happen?
Gerard then leads us into his room, our lips not leaving each other once. He pushes me onto his bed, jumping on top of me and kissing my neck. I let out a loud moan when he nips at a sensitive spot on my neck. I feel him smirk and he continues to lick and suck there, making my breathing get jagged.
He pauses, catching his breath and taking our shirts off. I know where this is leading and I suddenly get extremely nervous. Again, this is my first time doing anything sexual other than masturbating and to think that i’m doing this with my fucking English teacher makes me very on edge. Has he done this with other students in the past? No he couldn’t of. He knows the consequences of that and he’s already really subtle about him and I. I think if he was horny enough, all he would have to do is walk into a bar and all the guys would be on him. He just has that effect on people.
While i’m thinking about this, I don’t realize that he’s kissing down my chest and stomach. Gerard is really close to my boxer line. I really don’t think i’m ready for this yet. It’s not that I don’t trust or love him, because I fucking do with all my heart. It’s just that I know how illegal this is and it really worries me. And I might sound selfish or something, but I really want it to be more special than this. To me this is just considered make up sex for making me upset. I guess I just want that cliche type of sex for my first time. Candles, a nice dinner, something like that. Then again, i’m a fucking hopeless romantic.
All of a sudden I push him away. He looks up at me confused and I just stare at him. Then I quickly grab my shirt, pulling it on and running into my room. I can’t stay in the house right now, but where do I go? I’ll just let my feet decide. I put a jacket on, grabbing my phone and walk out the house. I start walking around, not having a plan on where i’m going but I just keep walking, my head down focusing on my feet. I’m glad I put a coat on, it’s really cold out.


Before I know it, i’m on the porch of Bert’s house. I’ve only been here once to help him walk his dog. He did tell me that he’s usually always home during the weekends and that i’m allowed over anytime. So I just decide to knock. What’s the worst that can happen? He’s busy so I can’t hang out? It’s times like these where I feel really bad for Bob, though. He’s been my best friend since forever and ever since everything happened with Gerard and I, I’ve totally ignored him. I should be going to his house, not Bert’s. But Bert is the one who knows about Gerard and I. My intentions were to talk to him about what just happened.
Don’t get me wrong, Bob is a great friend, but, Bert and I just seem to get along better, maybe in a different way. Bob is more like a big brother to me and Bert is like a best friend. Then again, Bob is the one who introduced me to Bert so it’s technically his fault if he’s mad at me. Damn, I don’t know how people can have multiple friends, I can barely keep up with two.
Bert finally opens the door after two minutes of me waiting out here. He realizes it’s me and immediately greets me in. “Jesus Christ dude, it’s ten in the morning? Well I was sleeping so sorry for taking a while to open the door. You know, I only let really special people into my house this early in the morning. Usually I would punch them in the face for disturbing my sleep.” He chuckles, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
“Sorry… I just needed someone to talk to.” I mumble.
Bert sits on the couch, patting the spot next to him for me to sit. Once I do, he asks me what’s wrong.
“Well Gerard and I talked things out last night and things went good. For an apology I made him pancakes this morning. While we were eating he just said some stupid shit that I took the wrong way so I left the table but he followed after me. He cornered me on the wall and said he was sorry. Then things just kinda escalated and next thing you know we were in his bed about to fuck.” I explain slowly, Bert listening intently to every word I said.
“That’s why you look like you were attacked by an animal...But what’s the problem then?” He asks.
“I got too nervous and I just kinda pushed him away and now i’m here.” I sigh, shrugging.
“Why were you nervous?” Bert asks with full intrest.
“Well he’s my fucking teacher, it’s illegal...Our age difference and something else.” I explain, not wanting to admit to him that I never had sex before.
“What’s the ‘something else’?”
“It’s too embarrassing.” I stare down at my shoes.
“Have I ever made fun of you before?” He makes a good point.
“It’s just that...I… never really lost my virginity.” I say just above a whisper.
“Frankie, that isn’t embarrassing. You're actually lucky you haven’t. You wanna know how I lost mine? I was drunk so I don’t really remember that much but it was to a nasty truck driver. I think that’s more embarrassing.” He explains to me with regret in his voice.
“I’m sorry about that. Yeah, that is worse.” We both giggle.
“You wanna stay over today? I’m not doing anything and I can get lonely.” He says in a sad tone.
“Of course I can.” I give him a sad smile, feeling bad that he feels like that.
I’m starting to think that there is more to Bert McCracken than what everyone thinks. Maybe he acts like he’s carefree and happy all the time to cover up how he really feels. I have done that before and it absolutely sucks.
My new goal is to figure out the complex creature named Bert, and to make him happy. That’s what friends do, right?

Notes

Hey guys! Sorry this took so long and is kinda crappy. I had a little bit of writers block. I knew what I wanted to write about but I just didn't know how to actually write it I guess.

Also, Haha i'm an ass aren't I. You thought you were getting smut LOL.

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