But I Love You

I sit down on the couch, relaxing a bit and suddenly feeling extremely tired. Gerard sits next to me, putting his arm around my shoulders. He seems so comfy right now and I just want to snuggle into him. So that’s exactly what I do. I move closer to him, cuddling into his fluffy sweatshirt while he get’s a blanket to put around us. I could stay like this forever.
“Can you tell me where you went, Frankie?” Gerard asks, his voice full of care.
“Umm...I just kind of wanted to walk around I guess. A lot of things were stressing me out and I didn’t want to deal with anything.” I mean, it’s not a full lie because it is very true that i’m stressed out.
“Okay...what’s important is that you didn’t get hurt or in any sort of trouble. Just maybe next time you can text me saying you’ll be staying out or even come talk to me.” He says softly, rubbing my back soothingly.
“I promise I’ll do that for now on.” I say assuringly. We sit in silence for a little while til I remembered what happened last night.
“Did you talk to Mikey?” I ask.
“About him… he’s not here at the moment.” He says, his voice getting shaky.
“Well where is he?” I wondered.
“...The hospital…” He mumbles.
“WHAT?! What happened? Is he okay?!” I start to panic. Oh god, he can’t be okay if he’s in the fucking hospital. This is all my fault. Why didn’t Gerard tell me this earlier? Why did I even have to ask him if Mikey was okay, why didn’t he bring it up?
“When I got home, I went straight upstairs to go talk to him.” He began with a sigh, ”I knocked on his door and I heard sobs so I walked in and saw him laying on his bed crying wearing nothing but boxers and liquor bottles surrounded him. Some were smashed and some weren’t. I went over to him and noticed really deep cuts all up and down his arms and thighs. They were too deep for me to fix so I took him to the hospital. The whole way there he was yelling at me but it was just crazy, untrue nonsense...at least I think.” His voice was weak and strained.
This has to be my fault. He seemed so happy before last night. He fucking told me he’s in love with me with no stuttering or hesitation in his voice. No one is ever that confident when they admit such a thing. I don’t know much about his past, if he ever went through depression or had a problem with drinking. I could’ve been the one who caused him to break his sobriety, i’m an awful person. But again, I love Mikey like a brother because hopefully one day he might actually end up being my brother-in-law.
Why does everything always have to be so complicated? Just when everything seems to be going on the right track, it get’s completely destroyed in a matter of minutes. It’s not only like that with Mikey either, it’s also about Bert. I really enjoy hanging out with him because he’s a chill guy with some other cool friends and just a genuine person but Gerard hates him. So what are my options, hanging out with Bert who did hurt me but also is really nice to me, or Gerard who gave me a place to live even though he knew so little about me, makes me happy, and loves me unconditionally? I think the second option is much better.
Or maybe I can actually listen for once and talk to Gerard about these things. What i’m doing -lying- isn’t healthy at all. Gerard always says to me that he’s here whenever I need him, day and night. But then I see him so stressed out with his job and trying to not only make school fun for the students, but him too so I feel like i’m just going to add unneeded and unwanted stress on him.While he wants to make me happy, I want to do the same back.
“Were you even planning on telling me?!” I yell at him, anger coming up from me that I didn’t know I had. That should’ve been the first thing he said to me when he opened that fucking door. We even just sat in silence for a good two minutes without him seeming to have to tell me anything. This is a big deal to me and it should me even more for Gerard. All that shit that happened last night is now put aside. What’s most important is that Mikey is okay and he won’t try to do anything even more stupid. Why is it that i’m the youngest but feel like the oldest?
“I just did Frankie, what do you mean?” He says with a bit of a worried expression.
“I fucking mean that you should’ve said that to me earlier! Why did I have to ask that?” I get up from his chest and pull the blanket off of me.
“Baby calm down. You’re really over-reacting.” He says softly.
“Don’t call me ‘baby’, we're not together. You’re underreacting. Your own brother is in the hospital and you don’t seem to give a shit.” I snap at him.
“Well what the hell would you like me to do, Frank?! You wanna see me bawling and crying and acting like a five year old? What the hell is that going to solve? You think if I act like that Mikey will magically get better?! I’m sorry sweetheart but that’s sadly just not how the world works.” He suddenly yells back at me.
“It’s not about your reaction Gerard, it’s the fact that you weren’t even planning on telling me!” I said with exasperation.
“That’s not true! Maybe I just wanted to spend a little time with the person I love because he looked really stressed and worn out. Maybe I just want to show my love to someone who was too fucking lazy to pick up their phone and tell me they were okay meanwhile I was worried sick. Maybe this whole break up thing is driving me fucking crazy because all I want is to give you love and be closer to you but all you do is seem to push me further and further away!” His yelling got louder and louder every sentence.
“You know what, just fuck off. Learn how to control your temper tantrums and then their wouldn’t be any problems.” I roll my eyes, walking upstairs to my room and slamming my door shut.
He’s being ridiculous. He thought taking a break would be just as good of an idea as I thought it would be. Where’s the logic in making me calmed down and half asleep on his chest only to have him tell me out of nowhere that Mikey is in the hospital? Did he think I was just going to nod and fall asleep on his chest dreaming about unicorns and rainbows?
Maybe Bert is the better option. I love Gerard but I just can’t deal with all the drama that comes with him. With Bert, he doesn’t have a fucking care in the world. He’s living life day by day, playing it by air. That’s what I want, what I need. I just need to relax and act like a fucking teenager for once. When Bert and I tagged the side of the school, it was so much fun to tell you the truth. There's no way to describe the adrenaline you get with having a risk of being caught and the feeling of relief I got when I painted something that had a lot of meaning to me. Bert helped me realize that.
Maybe that’s how my mom feels when she’s all drugged up and drunk. She is in complete bliss, on cloud nine. She’s so fucking relaxed that she doesn’t even notice the affects it has on other people. She just doesn’t give a shit about other people’s feelings most of the time. In the same way Bert is like that too, just not with his friends. He doesn’t give a shit what people think about him or what they have to say about him because he knows what kind of a person he is and that’s all he has to know.
I wish I was like that. I wish I was the person who took shit from nobody and didn’t care about other people's opinions or feelings. Maybe if I hang out with Bert, he’ll help me with that. If I hang out with him, people will know not to mess with me and that’s all I want. To just be left alone.

Other than Gerard, Mikey, and Bert, I want the rest of the world to just fuck off.

Notes

Hey guys! Shorter chapter, I know but it was just another hint or more background info to what the story will be leading up to for a little while. I felt like If I just made a shorter chapter, but more detailed, it would make up for it. Hope you guys enjoy!!

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