**TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!! I LOVE YOU ALL AND STAY SAFE PLEASE! EVERYTHING GET’S BETTER!!!!**





I cut eight deep lines into my arm, and watch as the blood starts to trickle out of them. They were deep, but not deep enough to the point where I need stitches. I know i’m stupid but not that stupid.
One cut for making Gerard hate me. The second cut because I cause trouble to everyone. The third cut because I made Gerard get so mad he had to punch me. A fourth cut because i’m a fuck up. The fifth cut because my family abandoned me. A sixth cut because I didn’t listen to Gerard. The seventh cut because I know i’m going to end up all alone, eventually Gerard will leave me and never have to deal with me again. the eighth cut just because.
I come out of my own little world and notice that there is really annoying banging on the door. I have a headache, making it sound even louder.
“Frank let me in! Please, I need to know if you’re okay.” Mikey says, genuinely concerned. Obviously i’m not okay. I don’t have a sweatshirt with me and my arms are bleeding, it’s inevitable that at least Mikey will find out.
I decided to hold barry in a way that’s hiding my arms. I open the door and close it after he comes in, locking it again.
“Where’s Gerard?” I say, staring at the floor.
“I don’t know. He looked at me with fear in his eyes and then left.” Mikey shrugs.
I nod, not pushing the issue. I hope he will be okay.
Mikey then looks over at the sink, and of course, I left the bloody razor there. His eyes widen a little when he see’s it and then looks back at me.
“Frank...Don’t tell me…” Mikey says, barely above a whisper.
I just start crying in response. It would be idiotic to hide it from him after he saw a bloody razor that wasn’t in here before me.
“Mikey, don’t tell Gerard! Please….he might….He might hurt again!” I sob out.
“One of us is going to have to tell eventually. He won’t hurt you over something like that. Frank, I don’t know why he hurt you. He’s never hurt anyone before except when he saw I was being picked on in elementary.” He explains.
“I’m sorry Mikey.” I truly am sorry for him needing to find this out. This could be a sensitive subject for both the Way brothers.
“Don’t be sorry. Sometimes people have to know they have control of pain, and sadly self harm is an easy way to convince yourself. We can talk about this after if you want, but for now I want to get those cleaned up so they don’t get infected. You didn’t do that many so that’s a good thing but they are also pretty deep.” He says the last part as he examines the cuts that will permanently remind me of this dreadful night.
I nod and he goes into the cabinet to get out a first aid kit. He opens it, getting out gauze, bandages, and cleaning wipes. He gets the extra blood off with the wipes and then puts gauze over them, then applying the bandages on top.
“I’m putting extra padding because they are deep and I don’t want any blood seeping through and staining anything.” Mikey explains.
I nod in return, “Thank you, Mikes.”
“No problem...And if you ever need to talk to someone, i’m alwayshere.” He smiles.
“Thanks. That really means a lot.” I smile back.
He notices my jaw and his happy smile turns into a sad one, “Let’s clean that up too, yeah?” He suggests.
I nod and he brings me towards the sink and wets a tissue, then lightly dabs the blood from Gerard’s punch away, his eyes concentrating on my jaw. He then finishes and throws away the tissue.
“I’d kill to have a jawline like yours.” Mikey jokes.
“Uh, you have a pretty sharp one too. I bet your’s could cut paper.” I giggle a little.
“Yea, well your’s can kill the zombie apocalypse.” He retorts.
“Whatever that hell that’s supposed to mean…” I give him a weird look and he just sticks his tongue out like a kid.
“Come on, there’s some pretty good movies on right now. I wanna watch them.” He pulls me out of the bathroom and pushes me onto the couch, then sits next to me. Mikey starts searching through channels until he finds a movie that makes his eyes light up.
“SchoolHouse Rock! This brings back so many memories.” He puts the movie on and of course, there is a commercial, making him look pissed off. What is with the Way brothers and their mood swings?
We sit patiently for the movie to come back on, but there’s something that I really need to ask him. I hesitate for a minute and finally decide I should ask. He did say if I need to talk to him, he would be there, right?
“Mikey?”
“What’s up?”
“Well… I just want to know...Am I a bother?” I twiddle my thumbs.
“Of course you’re not, Frank! I love having you live here with us. You just moved in, please don’t plan on running away or anything. It would suck without you here and I think Gerard would be crushed...Even though he deserves to be.” I look up at him and smile. If there's one thing I’ve learned about Mikey, it’s that he really knows how to make people feel happy again. And that he can be annoying…
“That really means a lot, Mikes. You're a good person. Thank you for making me feel happy after all that just happened. You really don’t know how much it means to me.” I say with a grateful tone.
“You know what, Frank how about we make a pact?” This sounds interesting…
“Sure.” I agree.
“Okay, so no matter what happens between you and Gee, we will always be brothers. We’ll always be here for each other till the day we turn into dust. Is that a deal?” He puts his hand out and I shake it.
“It’s a deal.” I answer, happily. As much as I want Gerard to come back right now, i’m also thankful that this made Mikey and I become closer to each other. It would suck to live with someone you barely know and hate.
He looks at the tv and realizes the movie is back on and squeals in excitement, turning his body back to facing the television. I watched this movie too many times as a child, so I decide to go upstairs and change into some sweatpants and a sweatshirt. It’s still early but I just agree on going to bed. I’m probably going to be sleeping a lot for the next week, not that i’m complaining.
I run back downstairs and say goodnight to Mikey and grab Barry, I accidentally left him in the bathroom. I then finally go back into my room and get under the cozy blankets, cuddling my giant stuffed animal close to me. Gerard said if he ever wasn’t there and I missed him, to cuddle Barry extra close, so that’s exactly what I did.
You’re probably thinking that i’m crazy for wanting Gerard to be with me right now, but I mean that I want the sweet, loving, and caring Gerard. Not the asshole Gerard.


It’s been an hour since I’ve tried to go to sleep, but my brain won’t fucking slow down enough to make me keep my eyes closed for more than a minute. I lay here, just staring at the ceiling till I hear a knock on my door. It’s probably Mikey because I never heard the front door open or close.
I get up, and walk over to the door and then opening it. No one’s there. I shrug it off, thinking Mikey was making sure I was asleep or something, and close the door. But before I shut it fully, I notice something on the floor. It’s a card and a red rose.
I pick them up and bring them into my room, laying the rose down on my nightstand and turning the lamp on so I can read the card. I know this is from Gerard, and i’m surprised about how quiet he was coming in. The front of the card had a picture of a red lace printed heart and the background is white.
I open it up to see a long note written for me. it says:
“dear my beautiful Frankie,
You dance in the moonlight
Like a flame at midnight.
An allure so strong
I can’t help but reach for you
& I know I’ll be burned
But you shine so bright
You bring my soul to light
& set my past ablaze
My history no longer matters
It’s just a haze.
But my lust for you runs rampant
It cannot be contained
And that kiss of yours pours gasoline
On this open flame

So kiss me again
And turn all else into ash
You are my only flare
Don’t bother to ask
And when it’s all chard up
I’ll reduce to ashes
In nothing but a yearn,
Led by my heart
I was toast from the start.
K.T”
I close it and start to cry. I don’t know if they are sad or happy tears, because I don’t know how I feel about what he wrote. It confuses me a lot, but I also feel like I completely understand the message. Or maybe I don’t. Does this mean i’m killing him in some way? I’m making him turn into a wreck? I never would want to hurt him. I’ve said this too many times.
But this could also mean that I make his life worth living. Or that he’s fallen for me so hard, in this short amount of time, that it’s confusing the hell out of both of us, and making us act out on each other. Maybe that’s why he punched me. He didn’t mean it, but it was exactly how it was like for me when I went tagging with Bert.
Our bodies are starting to take control over our minds and it’s fucking us up. It’s fucking this whole confusing relationship up. It’s fucking our love up.
I read it over again. And again... Over and over. “My history no longer matters it’s just a haze.” I read out loud.
That could mean three things, either about my parents and me being homeless (about my past in general) or about his past, that I still have no knowledge about. Or that when i’m around him, nothing else seems to matter but us in that exact moment. Hell, knowing him, it could mean all three things. He’s just complicated like that, and that’s one of the many reasons why I love him.
There’s a lot of meaning behind this poem, too many for me to process. I guess I have a whole week to fully understand this though.
Seeing as Gerard and Mikey are night owls, I think Gerard would still be up. Especially tonight. I’m scared he might get mad again, but like I said, this whole relationship that’s going too fast is really fucking with us. I definitely won’t do what I did before if anything happens, that’s for sure. I want that hug and kiss I was telling Mikey about. I want my sweet Gerard. I want to be happy.
You know what, fuck it. I want at least a hug from him and i’m going to try my hardest to get one. I just want to prove to him now that I understand what’s happening between us. I might even understand better than he does. Even if it means that we have to take a ‘break’ from each other, really only meaning no kissing, cuddling or lovey dovey talk because we were never really considered together. But i’m not going to bring up taking a break from each other tonight. I want to see if I can cuddle with him, too.
I get up, wrapping a blanket around me for an extra way to hide my cuts, and because it’s a little chilly. I bring the card with me and slowly walk down the hall near Gerard’s room. His door is slightly open, so I peak my head in, making sure he can’t see me. He’s laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling the exact same way I was earlier. His face is red, as well as his eyes. They are bloodshot and puffy, his hair sticking to his face in some places. I probably look the same too, maybe even worse.
I quietly knock on the door and I hear a muffled “come in” from Gee.
I slowly open the door and he looks towards me, his expression softening immediately after he sees me. His eyes are also tearing up again.
“Aww come here, baby.” He whispers and motions me towards me.
I run over to him and jump on top of him, hugging him the tightest I’ve ever hugged him. He does the same back and apologizes over and over again, his fingers running through my hair. This is the Gerard I wanted.
He moves my head so i’m looking at him. He puts his eyes on my bruise and he starts gently kissing it, making it actually feel better. I lightly giggle because i’m ticklish, causing him to smile against my jaw.
“Gee, i’m too exhausted to talk about everything right now. I just wanted to see if I could use you as a pillow?” I ask with the most innocent voice I can manage.
“Of course, Frankie. I just have one question.”
“Ask me.” I answer.
“Do you hate me?” He asks hesitantly.
“Oh God, no! Gerard, no matter what happens between us, I will always love you. You were my first love and I want you to be my last.” I say truthfully, getting under the covers with him and resting my head on his chest.
“Okay, that’s all I wanted to hear.” He says with a content tone, causing me to chuckle.
“Night, Geebear.” I cuddle deeper into his chest.
“Goodnight, my love.” He wraps his arms around me.
I want this moment to never end...

Notes

Hey guys! Part two WHOOP!
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