But I Love You

It’s around ten in the morning and I should be in gym right now but i’m in the principal's office. I didn’t even do anything that bad! Well, okay...Maybe I did and I know Gerard is going to be so pissed.
So I went out for a walk by myself last night after I finished my homework. I walked to the park and I just so happened to be there when, of course, the one and only, Bert McCracken was there. Don’t get me wrong, I tried to leave and be unnoticed, but because God or whoever looks down on me hates me, he saw me. I wouldn’t have tried to run away from him if Gerard and I were never a thing, in fact I would’ve loved to hang out with him because he seems to really be a nice person… But also he’s a crazy motherfucker. But even if I never were with Gerard, I know Bert and I would never be more than maybe just a fuck. Even then I would probably be shit faced too.
We hung out for a little while, the whole time I felt really guilty but I couldn’t just say “I can’t be around you or anything because Gerard, my i’m not so sure boyfriend and also our English teacher would kill both of us if he found out i’m hanging with you.”
After a while, we started to just walk around and I noticed that there was a lot of clanging coming from his backpack, so I asked what’s in there. It was spray paints. I used to tag a lot while I was in middle school but I haven’t ever since. Suddenly a lot of adrenaline rushed through me and Bert noticed.
I don’t know how the fuck he convinced me, but we settled on tagging the side of the school. Again, not my idea, but Berts. And why we decided to leave our names on our art, was beyond me. Now, I painted something meaningful and pretty, while Bert painted a fucking cum covered dick. He must’ve been high, or I was right this whole time, and he is someone who escaped a mental institute.
So now Bert and I are in the office with a very mad principle sitting in front of us. I’m still so scared for when Gerard finds out about all of this.
“Okay, Frank I have to call your parents. What’s the number?” The principle asks. Oh dear lord…
“Oh U...Umm...They only have a house phone and they’re at work. Plus even the house phone is broken.” I guess I’ll be a guilty, lying piece of shit forever.
“I find that very hard to be-” She is cut off by someone walking into the room. I look over to see who it is and at that moment, I wish a tornado would pass by and kill me. Gerard. Fucking. Way.
“Hello Ms. Brooks. I needed to talk to you abo-” He stops his sentence when he realizes that i’m here with the person he is jealous over.
“What’s going on here?” He asks, concerned.
“These two boys decided to vandalize the side of the school.” She says, angrily.
Suddenly, he gets a very upset and disappointed look on his face, causing me to shrink back in my seat and feel even guiltier.
“What did they do?” Gerard questions.
“Well, they tagged the side of the school. Frank drew crying eyes and Bert painted, well… Something very inappropriate,” Bert chuckles at that, “And now i’m trying to call Frank’s parents but he won’t give me the number. He said their house phone broke and that’s the only phone they have.” Please, Gerard, help!
“Oh uh...He’s right. I know Frank’s parents personally. It really did break, but I can tell them if you want me to.” I love this man so so so much.
“Alright then. Also, Mr. Way, don’t expect to see these two boys in school for a week. They are suspended.” She looks at us and then Gerard. Honestly, i’m pretty happy I get a week off from school. I think it’s more of a privilege to the kid when they suspend them because they get school off. The whole system sucks to tell the truth.
He nods, “Alright. I’ll take Frank to get his things and leave.”
“Thank you.” She murmurs. I stand up and slowly walk to him. He leads me out of the office and down to my locker, not a word spoken between us. Jesus Christ, I really didn’t mean for all of this to happen. I just wanted to go on a simple walk to clear my head! But now, it made everything worse.
When I put my backpack around my shoulders, I look at him with an apologetic look. He looks so angry at me, it’s making me feel so worthless and weak.
“We’ll discuss this when I get to the house. You can walk home.” He whispers, firmly.
“But your house is two miles away!” I whisper yell.
“You sure didn’t seem to care last night now didn’t you?” I hate his sass.
“That was different. I went to the park and then to the school.” I bow my head a little.
“Then it’s your punishment.” No it’s not.
“Just...Please Gee, please tell Mikey to get me. I know what I did was wrong, I know. I’m such a bad person, I get it. But I can’t walk that far with this heavy backpack.” I start to get teary eyed.
I just want this day to be over. I want Gerard to be happy with me. I don’t want him to hate me, but I know he does. If I were him, I would hate me too. He specifically told me to not hang around with Bert. Even if he didn’t tell me, I would still see what it does to him, it makes him sad. I really hate myself.
A heavy breath escapes from him, “Fine.” He pulls out his phone and calls Mikey. He answers almost immediately and by how the conversation started, everything is going just great.
I can only hear mumbling on Mikey’s side of the call but Gerard is making sure he is loud and clear. “Because Mikey, Frank is a spoiled brat who needs a ride home. He begged me like a bitch for you to pick him up so just please come and get him as quick as possible. I want him out of my site.”
I put my head down and tears escaped my eyes. He’s acting like I killed someone, or me and Bert fucked after all of this, but we didn’t. Doesn’t every teenager do shit like this at some point in their life? I thought it was part of learning and growing up, but I guess I was sadly mistaken. Gerard obviously want’s nothing to do with me, he said it himself. Maybe I’ll just run away and he can just forget about me. Everyone does. When I get back to Gerard’s house, I’ll pack a duffel bag and run out the back door. No one is going to care anyways. Welcome back, depression.
After he hangs up, we go back to his empty classroom. He sits at his desk and I sit on the rug at the other end of the room, where his mini library is. I bring my knees to my chest and put my head down on them, then wrap my arms around so my face is hidden. These are the moments, where I wish I was invisible.
I only notice i’m crying when I hear Gerard say, “Oh my god, Frank. Stop crying, you’re not a baby.”
I look up at him, “You can not tell me whether I can cry or not. That’s up to me. I’m not going to act like a fucking robot and hide my feelings, Gerard. If I need to cry, I am going to fucking cry whether it means i’m a baby or not.” I say firmly, and full of anger. I really want to punch him right now.
His expression is a mixture of shocked and defeated. His mouth is also hung open, but he closes it after a while and blinks a few times, then goes back to working. I’m glad I left him speechless. It feels good to stand up for yourself everyone once in awhile.
“Mikey’s here.” Gerard states after fifteen minutes of silence.
I nod and get up, grabbing my backpack and putting it on. I walk to the door and turn my head to look at him. He’s still at his desk, grading papers, acting like I don’t even exist. Usually he hugs me and kisses me before I leave. I would really like that right now.
“Can I have a hug?” I ask quietly.
He looks over to me, “I don’t want to get caught.” Wow…
I try not to act phased, “Okay...I love you, but you probably don’t want to get caught saying that either. I get it.” Before he could say anything else, I storm out the room and leave the building, then into Mikey’s car.
“Frank, what the fuck happened?” Mikey asks.
“Too long of a story. We can talk about this at the house.” I answer.
He nods, knowing not to push the subject too much. The ride back to the house was faster than I would’ve liked, but it’s not like I can change that.
We walk in and I run up to my room and collapse onto the comfy bed. I really just want to cry right now but I know Mikey wants to be filled in with what happened. I hear his footsteps come closer to my room and he knocks lightly, “You okay, Frankie?”
I only hum in response. He comes in and sits on the edge of the bed, “You mind telling me what happened now?” He asks.
I tell him everything that has happened in the last twenty-four hours. About what Bert and I did, how i’m suspended and what it caused between Gerard and me.
“I hurt him real bad, Mikes. I didn’t mean for this all to happen, I would never ever want to hurt or make Gerard angry. I made him hate me! I’m such a fucking idiot.” I sigh.
“Hey, Frank he could never hate you. Listen, it’s part of growing up. Believe me, Gerard has done much worse than you when he was a teen. I think he’s just mad because he doesn’t want you to do stupid shit or hang out with the wrong crowds. He’s all new to this half parenting and half keeping a relationship type of thing. But that still doesn’t make up for him acting like a douche.” Mikey rambles, making me feel a little better.
“I think you’re right, Mikes. Maybe he will take time in school to calm down and come home and give me the biggest hug and kiss we’ve had yet, then we can just talk this whole thing out calmly.” I smile at the thought of it.
But did any of that happen? Of fucking course not. What happened when Gerard got home from school makes me cringe at even the thought of it. I’ve never seen so much anger built up in someone. Fuck my life.
I heard his car pull into the driveway and the car door shut loudly, following by another loud slam from the front door. I snuggle up under my blankets and cuddle Barry, the big stuffed animal Gerard got me when I had a panic attack.
He comes to my doorway and says, “Downstairs, now!” Then goes down to the living room. I am scared shitless, but knowing I have Mikey there makes me feel a little better.
I slowly go downstairs, bringing Barry with me and see Gerard sitting in a leather chair across from the couch which Mikey is sitting on. I sit next to Mikes and look at Gerard, who is staring at me with rage.
“Care to explain why the fuck you did that?” Gerard wonders.
“I...I had adrenaline. My b-body had more c-control over me than my b-brain.” I say honestly.
Gerard fakes a laugh, “Nice excuse.” It wasn’t an excuse. I wouldn’t lie about this!
“Gerard, I’m telling the truth!” I’m starting to get pissed.
He stays quiet for a minute, then shakes his head in disbelief, “Frank I fucking told you not to hang out with that bitch! Are you really that stupid?” I guess so…
“Gerard watch what you fucking say to me! I swear I will leave you in a blink of an eye, and you’ll never see me again. We both know I can make that possible.” I scream at first but then lower my voice.
The truth is, no matter how much pain he will cause in my life - which i’m hoping not a lot - I don’t think I could ever leave him nor Mikey. Mikey and I don’t always talk to each other but he is still like an older brother to me, something I’ve always wanted but never had. And Gerard, well I love him. I love waking up to him kissing my face or telling me how beautiful he thinks I am before we go to sleep. This sounds really cheesy but, I truly couldn’t imagine a life without him anymore. This fight that’s going on, it doesn’t change my love for him. I love him more and more by the minute, and no matter what happens between us in the end, I will still love him. But if there is any fear I have developed throughout my life is that I will become too attached with anyone who I let into my life, especially love life. That’s why I don’t even talk to Bob much, but we are still best friends. We always will be. He understands my fear and he never pushes me to hang out with him or go to parties because he just gets me, and I get him. That’s what makes us best friends.
Best friends are the people you can go without talking to for weeks, even months, and once you finally talk again, it’s like you never even went that month without talking, you’re just that close to them as you were the last time you talked or hung out.
I guess I was daydreaming for a while because Gerard comes over to me and grabs me by the collar of my shirt and pulls me closer to him, “Fucking listen to me Frank!” He screams.
And before I know it, I feel his fist on my jaw. Not in a loving or caring way, no. But in a way that hurts and is going to leave a bruise. I can’t fucking believe he just punched me. I didn’t do anything to make him this fucking angry! I’m in complete disbelief for a good thirty seconds, before I meet eyes with him and put my hand on my jaw, where he just punched me. I start to cry so loud, like a baby, trying to push him off me but he stays stuck to me, with a look of disbelief on in his eyes, also.
“Oh my fucking god, Gerard! What the fuck is wrong with you?! You know, you are a complete piece of shit! Frank are you okay?” Mikey finally buds in, his voice softens as he asks me the question.
“Do I fucking seem okay, Mikey?! I just got abused by the person i’m in love with and he won’t get the fuck off of me! I’m in love with an abuser!...Oh god….I...I can’t. Gerard let go of me!”
I finally push him off of me with all my strength and run into the bathroom, locking it. I look into the mirror and immediately regret that decision. My face is red, my eyes are bloodshot and puffy, and it turns out Gerard punched me so hard that i’m bleeding and it’s already bruising. Let’s just say I don’t like what I see. I’m in so much pain right now; physically and mentally. I need to make it go away just for a little while. I can’t take how i’m feeling much longer.
I search around the bathroom and find an old friend, but also an enemy. Well here goes nine months of being “clean”. It’s all about to go down the drain, just a waste of my time….

Notes

Hey guys! Cliffhanger!!!! What do you think is going to happen?
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