But I Love You

Today is the day. The day I tell Gerard that maybe we need a so called “break”. I really do think it would benefit us to be a better couple and treat each other how we should. I’m not even upset that he punched me anymore, i’m just more disappointed. Maybe i’m getting this whole thing wrong though, and we just aren’t a good match together, but i’m willing to do anything to be with him.
Right now he’s in the shower, getting ready for school. I’m still in his bed, contemplating this whole situation and how i’m going to say it, and if he reacts a certain way to this, what should I do? Or should I just continue on with this relationship full of worry and unwanted events? No, I need to talk to him about this. It’s too important to just let this topic go and carry on in what can turn into an extremely toxic relationship. We are already risking so much, him being my teacher and me still being underage is very illegal. Not to mention the whole guardian thing too. These are huge factors that also play a big role in this relationship and how we are going to end up. I could be over analyzing this whole thing, but it’s better than not caring or being uncareful. It just shows how much I care about Gerard and what happens between the both of us.
He finally comes into the room after what seems like forever, with just a towel wrapped tightly around his waist. “Morning Frankie. I hope you don’t mind if I change in front of you?” He says, his voice still full of sleep. Why in the world would I mind something like this with something that looks the way he does?
“Go ahead.” I answer. He takes the towel off his waist so now he’s naked, right in front of me. Hot damn, I’ve just realized I never saw his dick before. Even without a boner, he’s still really big. I got nothing compared to his, and the best part about this is that it’s all mine!...Or well, it will be.
I don’t realize i’m staring at his you know what until he says “Uh Frankie, My face is up here, not down there!” Sweet jesus.
“Oh god...U-I...I’m uhmmm...Ooops.” I lower my head in embarrassment.
He chuckles, “I’m glad you like what you see.” He winks at me and then turns around, pulling out clothes and putting them on. He’s wearing a pair of jeans with a blue and red plaid shirt and a black sweater to go over it. He looks nice.
He fixes his still damp hair and then comes over to me, “Okay, I gotta go to work now, baby.” Gerard kisses the top of my head and then pecks my lips, making me smile.
“Uh Gee….Can I talk to you about something important when you come back home?” There’s no going back now.
“Of course sweetie. I love you.” I can tell he’s trying to make up for yesterday, but I can also tell that he means it.
“Love you too.” I say back as he leaves the room.
Maybe I should talk to Mikey about this before I really decide to take a break. He always seems to help me, but I don’t want to bother him all the time with me and Gerard’s issues. I want to have a real relationship with him. Not just the one where you use someone for advice. I hate people who are like that. But then again, this is important for the three of us, because if I don’t go through talking about this to one of them, it could risk my relationship with Gerard and even Mikey. I could risk being hurt again or me hurting Gerard, which I think I could never do that to him, but I that’s probably what Gerard thought before he punched me. And maybe Mikey is very protective over Gerard, so he’ll start to hate me or something.
I just overthink things. This won’t fucking happen...Right?
I go downstairs and smell coffee, so I walk into the kitchen and Mikey is sitting at the table smoking a cigarette and drinking a mug of coffee. I make myself a cup, just plain black and sit opposite of him. I stare at him, hoping he’ll get the message that I need advice.
He stares back until he finally realizes what i’m trying to tell him and he lightly giggles, “You could just say you need to talk to me. I won’t be annoyed or anything.”
“I know but I just don’t want you to think i’m using you for advice.” I say, feeling guilty.
“Well I don’t think you are, so talk to me!” He encourages me.
“Okay, so I think Gerard and I need a break even though we were never really considered a couple, at least I don’t think. I don’t want to but I feel like this could help us and the relationship because we kinda rushed into things and it’s making us act out. I have no fucking clue what to do, please help.” I ramble on so fast, I don’t think he could understand me. He stays silent, taking in everything I told him and then says, “It’s actually not a bad idea at all. You’re right about maybe rushing things too fast and bad shit happen because of it. Just follow your heart and gut, and hopefully everything will turn out perfect in the end.” He beams, proud of himself.
“But Mikey, my heart and gut are going in different directions. My heart wants to just stay with him because of his cuddles and kisses, or the way he makes me feel so safe. But my gut is saying to take a break so it can be like that all the time, with almost no problems. Y’know, except for this whole thing being extremely illegal.” I let my brain take control of what i’m saying.
“Well think about it this way, you stay with him and risk this whole relationship turn into shit, or you wait a month or so to get both of your shits together and be happily ever after...Hopefully.” Damn his smartness.
“You’re right, Mikes. Gerard will understand all of this, right, that i’m trying to help us?” I ask, doubtfully.
“Of course he will. Just go for it, and if you want me to be there, I will.” Mikey reassures me.
“Thank you Mikey.” I give him a grateful smile.
He nods and smiles back. I’m so happy I get two amazing people like them in my life. Yeah, we might fight from time to time or disagree with each other on certain things, but that’s what makes us even more like a family. It brings us all closer together in the end. Even though I’ve only known Mikey and lived with the both of them for about a month, it seems like it’s been a lifetime. They both make me forget about my past, and make me remember all the good times we have shared already, and memories that are soon to come. They are making my childhood dream come true, to have an almost normal family; and to feel loved and wanted.
Of course i’m also grateful to have Bob in my life too, but it’s different. I don’t live with him. He’s never smelled my morning breath, or saw my dried drool and sleep in my eyes right after he’s woken up. He never saw my bloody cuts or bloodshot eyes. He’s never seen my weird eating habits or put up with my childish attitudes. I love him, but in a different way.
And as Bert goes, I know he means well but he’s not good for me. This whole situation proved it. I’m not just going to ignore him and act like we never met, but we aren’t going to get any closer than we already are. Bert hurts Gerard, and has no clue about it; which is also a good thing because I can’t have anyone finding out about Gerard and I. He’s a lit cigarette that I need to stomp out.

It’s 2:30, school get’s out now. Gerard will be home within the next hour and i’m very nervous. Mikey and I have just had a movie marathon today, and by that I mean we watched all the Star Wars movies. I haven’t watched Star Wars since I was eleven. We decided that since Mikey’s room is right next to Gerard’s, Mike will just hang out in his room while I talk to Gee, and if he starts to hear yelling or anything he’ll come in and help.
I really want this to do good for us. I want to be all those cliche love stories and just have a happily ever after. I want what Gerard wants, when he said that we can runaway once I graduate to anywhere I want and get a hundred dogs. He is still young, he can pursue anything he wants, and I can too once I get out of college. I don’t know what I want to do yet, but it will come to me someday.

After about a half an hour, we hear Gerard’s car pull up, and rush into our rooms. I really just go into Gerard’s but I consider it half my room because I seem to sleep in there more than I do in my own bed. The front door opens and shuts, and then footsteps come up the stairs. Jesus Christ, my heart is beating a mile a minute and my hands are shaking. I really shouldn’t be this nervous, but it could just be my anxiety acting up.
Gerard walks into his rooms and sings “Honey, i’m home!” in a really deep voice, causing me to laugh.
“I didn’t know your voice could go that deep.” I tease.
“Me either!” He says, jokingly but also surprised. One of the many reasons why I love this man…
After he sets his stuff from school down, he comes and sits on the bed with me. He gives me a light kiss making me feel even more guilty for what i’m about to say.
“So what did you have to talk to me about? I’ve been dying all day to hear it.” He says with exasperation.
“Okay...So...You know I love you a lot right?” Here we go…
“Of course, I love you a lot too. Why?” He grabs both my hands and holds them.
“Well I really want a happily ever after with you, but I feel like with after everything that happened yesterday we might have to work a little extra hard for that. I’m not mad at you for hurting me, i’m just a little disappointed. Maybe we rushed a little too fast into this whole thing, and we need to slow it down a little.” I hope he understands what i’m trying to say because I don’t think I can actually say we need a break.
He looks confused and takes a few minutes to try to understand what i’m trying to say. “We need a separation, don’t we?” He sounds sad, but understanding.
“I think that would be the best thing to do for the time being. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be with you so friggin bad, but I don’t want us hurting each other. We need to slow the pace of the relationship down and maybe get to know each other more. I need to sort my shit out with Bert and make sure i’m not failing any of my classes; and you need to keep doing your teacher shit and do whatever needs to get done.” I say slowly, making sure not to sound like I don’t want to be with him or anything because that’s not the case at all.
He nods, “You’re right Frankie, this will do good for us. Just know that I love you and i’m so sorry for hurting you. I’ll never forgive myself for touching you like that. I’ve loved you since the first day you came into my classroom and that will never change.” He looks at me with adoration.
“I love you too, Gerard. It won’t change for me either.” I say truthfully.
We lean in and kiss each other, knowing it will be the last one for a while, so we make it count. The electricity we get is there and stronger than ever. It’s like we are spilling our feelings for each other into the kiss.
We then hug each other and the three of us decide to make homemade pizza and cookies. I can already feel a weight off my chest and have a feeling this really will help us. I’m glad I decided to talk to him about it.
I can go a month or so without his kisses and cuddles, right?

Notes

Hey guys! kinda a short chapter, I know. But maybe I'll post another later on in the week.
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